3. CHEMISTRY

Subsections

3.3 CHEMICAL PUNS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:3.2 chemistry quotes


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From: "ROBERT HOLDAR" <bholdar62#NoSpam.verizon.net>

The vet at the zoo had a problem: beryllium.  He had only two options, to
curium or to barium.  He lead the dentist to boron the bearís tooth.  Iíd
give a nickel to have seen what happened when the bear woke up.  Now the
vet and the dentist argon.  Itís ironic what can happen when you have a
beryllium and try to curium. 


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October 23
March 23
From: "Gautam Subbarao" <gsubbara#NoSpam.uiuc.edu>

My name is Bond - Covalent Bond. 

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From: Caren Thomas <cthomas#NoSpam.access.k12.wv.us>
My name is Bond, Ionic Bond;
Taken, not shared!

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From: Amanda Bonner <amandab#NoSpam.displaytech.com>
This is one for all you feminists out there...(Fe)male...male with iron
added, for greater strength, ductility, and magnetism.

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From: Amanda Bonner <amandab#NoSpam.displaytech.com>
What did the MS say to the GC?
MS - mass spectrophotemeter
GC - gas chromoatograph
Breaking up is hard to do.
(You have to know the mechanism of how these work to get it!)

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From: "Myra L. Peak" <myra#NoSpam.peakenvironmental.com>
What emotional disorder does a gas chomatograph suffer  from?
Separation anxiety

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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do
From: "dcoble" <dcoble#NoSpam.gateway.net>
                             Chemistry Test 1

Test your knowledge of chemistry by filling in each blank with a word
from the list below.

 1. What a ship does when it's torpedoed. ____________

 2. When there's no gas left, we say it's ____________.

 3. The weather in Antarctica is quite ____________.

 4. Overtime for British policemen. ____________.

 5. What we do when we're in pain. ____________

 6. ____________ is a measure of, uh, light intensity.

 7. What you get if you put Robin Williams in jail. ____________

 8. The power company's special cocktail. ____________

 9. She hit me with an Eveready, so I charged her with assault with
    ____________.
10. Old Chemistry profs never die, they just fail to ____________.

11. What the cowboy did with his horses. ____________

12. When I meet a 6'6" mugger, ____________ away very fast.

13. The element that comes after nine. ____________

14. An original inhabitant of North America. ____________

15. Motto of land developer: ____________ is better.

16. Slang for "You got it correct". ____________!

17. ____________ only at the finest restaurants.

18. When a Chemistry prof dies, we have a funeral, then____________.

19. How can you expect me to do all these problems? ____________
    little boy!
20. "I'll knock down these buildings!" "You mean you'll ___________?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
a) Aluminum       f) Beaker            k) Iodine         p) Rhodium
b) Ammonia        g) Copper nitrate    l) Iron           q) Silicon
c) Argon          h) Gold              m) Platinum       r) Sulphur
d) Barium         i) Hydrogen          n) Radon          s) Tin
e) Battery        j) Indium            o) React          t) Zinc

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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>

                             Chemistry Test 2

Test your knowledge of Chemistry again by filling each blank with one of 
the words listed below.

  1. Chemistry exams at the end of the year are ____________ exams.

  2. On this tree the chemists grow. ____________

  3. "I ____________ a question, but she didn't know the answer."

  4. Would you buy a drink from a woman named ____________ Alcohol?

  5. "I want to report Ben as a missing person." "OK, where was 
____________ last?"

  6. Organic chemists get ____________ with rage.

  7. Some say chemistry profs are the ____________ of the earth; others 
say otherwise.

  8. Many people wish for the day when a chemist's word was  his 
____________.

  9. A chemistry teacher in favor of teenagers is ____________.

10. A chemist's favorite rabbit is the ____________ Bunny.

11. A person in favor of barter is ____________.

12. In spite of the bank robbery, it was ____________ as usual.

13. Studying the pH of solutions is a ____________ part of chemistry.

14. A drink to consume while rowing long after sunset. ____________

15. A chemist will mistranslate "autobahn" as "____________".

16. A chemist can be __________ to water, but cannot be made to drink.

17. You're a doctor, and Brad is sick! Why don't you ____________?

18. When kneeling to be knighted, a man must put one ____________ the floor.

19. The correct answer is "____________", Mr. Ranger, not "Tonto".

20. A chemistry prof in favor of torture is ____________.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
a) Antimony        f) Carbon           k) Helium          p) Phenol
b) Basic           g) Chemistry        l) Lead            q) Propane
c) Benzene         h) Ester            m) Lipid           r) Protein
d) Bismuth         i) Ether            n) Neon            s) Silver
e) Bond            j) Ethyl            o) Nitrogen        t) Salt

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From: "nemo" <nemo#NoSpam.naughtylass2.wet>
                   Better Answers to chemistry quiz 2
                                (says Nemo)
a) Antimony: The wife paying the husband after a divorce.

f) Carbon: A Frenchman's opinion of his nice new automobile.

k) Helium: A miracle! An old Austin sports car that runs on an inert gas!

p) Phenol: A small natural hill where a ho/Tom hides what she's just been
paid.

b) Basic: A reddish-brown horse who is ill.

g) Chemistry: The puzzle of the vital force believed in Taoism and other
Chinese thought to be inherent in all things.

l) Lead: A Roman's rounded arse: Plumbum!

q) Propane: A Tom/ho with cystitis! (^!^)

c) Benzene: British eccentric comedian, Forename: Michael.

h) Ester: Surname of plastic-fibre parrot who celebrates Purim.

m) Lipid: A German technical pen which writes with fat and leaves a nasty
Rotring all around the bath: Lipidograph.

r) Protein: A young Tom/ho.

d) Bismuth: A white, crystalline, brittle, highly diamagnetic metallic
element used in alloys to form sharp castings for objects sensitive to high
temperatures and in various low-melting alloys for fire-safety devices.
Atomic number 83; atomic weight 208.98; melting point 271.3ŗ§ďC; boiling point
1,560ŗ§ďC; specific gravity 9.747; valence 3.

And it's not fussy who it sleeps with, hence, symbol: Bi.

i) Ether: Well, ether you risk brain damage by using an obsolete anusthetic
or you don't.

n) Neon: Used in mains electricity testing devices known as screw-on knee
drivers.

s) Silver: Ah, gent! You got me there!

e) Bond: Industrial espionage agent in the writing paper industry: "My name
is Bond. Basildon Bond."

j) Ethyl: And why ith Ethyl pothtin theth thilly quitheth anyway?

o) Nitrogen: Information about blackguards and vagabonds who operate after
dark.

t) Salt: Sailor carrying an accumulator: A salt and battery!

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A small piece of sodium which lived in a test tube fell in love with the
Bunsen burner:
"Oh Bunsen, my flame. I melt whenever I see you . . .", the sodium pined.
"It's just a phase you're going through", replied the Bunsen burner.

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From: "Mike Bauer <Mike Bauer" <mpb4r#NoSpam.giss.nasa.gov>
Acid is base.

chemistry
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Februari 22
December 23
Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium
and just couldn't put it down?

From: "Rebecca *Hugs*" <rebhal87#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
--It was probably just light reading--

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From: Mariano Cecowski <MCecowski#NoSpam.sif.com.ar>
Q: if both a bear in Yosemite and one in Alaska fall into the water
which one disolves faster?
A: The one in Alaska because it is Polar.

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Author: Quiplash (quiplash#NoSpam.aol.comnojunk)
Oxidants happen.

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From: "Billy Dunne" <billy#NoSpam.dunne16.freeserve.co.uk>
Hydrogen atom: Darn these oxidising agents!

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Only 1 individual answered the question right.
The question was "If h20 if water, what is h204?"
This was a quick question.
The answer is:
If h20 is water, what is h20 "4" (for)...drinking, bathing, etc.

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From: "Thomas P. Koch" <tom_koch#NoSpam.email.msn.com>
Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.

chemistry
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From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu>
Two chemists meet for the first time at a symposium.  One is American,
one is British.  The British chemists asks the American chemist, "So what
do you do for research?"  The American responds, "Oh, I work with arsoles."
The Brit responds, "Yes, sometimes my colleagues get on my nerves also."

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From: BerniE#NoSpam.E-Mail.address (BerniE)

Poisson thought the vessel with the pestle had the solution in distribution.

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From: Ralf Linnemann <ralf.linnemann#NoSpam.gmd.de>
(Blame translation from German on Joachim Verhagen.  The original was
longer, but puns are impossible to translate, especially because the
English/Americans use different names from everybody else.)

The school homework becomes more foolish all the time..
I have to tell my son the origin of the names of the first ten elements and
to my shame I must confess that I don't know.

With a lot of trouble, I found that Helium is called after the Nordian
death godin Hel, because it was discovered in Norway and that Bohr is
called after the Danisch atomic physicist Niels Bohr, as he was the one
that discovered it in the twenties, and that bromide occurs in
blackberries, wich in German are called Brombeere.

Who can help me further?

From: Emil Kelich <emil.kelih#NoSpam.kfunigraz.ac.at>
Plutonium is called after the famous Disney dog, Pluto.

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Special Category: Said Tom

From: gmacbeth#NoSpam.cawdor.frozen.ca (GMacbeth)

"Take plenty of the dark purple solution", Tom offered, managnimously.
"This old pipe is rusty", said Tom, ironically.
"Scale keeps forming inside the kettle", complained Tom,
recalcitrantly.

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From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma#NoSpam.pop.trellis.net>
Q: How did the chemist survive the famine?
A: By subsisting on titrations.

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From: user557686#NoSpam.aol.com (Jim Palm)

The media did a plate count and reported that the Mr. Petrie dished up
several batches of gram crackers, inoculation fruit loops and tube steaks
(made from his pet lab).  Petrie graduated Beakers University, but was
barely able to slide by with a 2.0-2.0 (cc) grade point average.  Students
described him as a vial, no culture specimen with an infectious smile.

From: ehorvath35#NoSpam.aol.com (Eileen Horvath)

He was also a liar, his lab assistant was burned one day quite badly
because of his lack of ability. He told the police that Bunson Burned her!

From: rg#NoSpam.netbistro.com (Megan Waves)

He overreacted because he was insolvent. The lab assistant dissolved their
partnership.
From: pml <lavietes#NoSpam.dhc.net>
Then he got arrested for flasking.

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From: Ovidiu Cristea <ez064938#NoSpam.mailbox.ucdavis.edu>, rg#NoSpam.netbistro.com
(Megan Waves), An Insouciantly Blithe Fellow <philonos#NoSpam.crl.com>

"Welcome to Entropy Burgers -- may I take your order?"

"I put in disorder a long time ago. The service here is getting worse all
the time."

"My experience Gibbs me reason to believe you."

"I know the waitress who asked that, too.  Her name's Ellen Omega.  She
really made me thermally dynamic.  So, I asked her out.  I tell you, when
she don't like you, she really Boltz, man.  Women like that are never
distributed normally among the population."

"What kind of Poisson would say something like this?"

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From: Rob Sanders<saunders#NoSpam.ednet.co.uk>

Before Richard Wagner completed his Ring cycle he wrote the well-known
opera on chemical themes "Tristan und Diels-Alder".

Other composers to write chemical operas include Jacques Offenbach ("Tales
of Woodward and Hoffman"), Richard Strauss ("Electron"), Giuseppe Verdi ("A
Masked Buckyball") and Wolfgang Mozart ("Die Sauerfloete").

Many modern composers have undertaken similar projects, such as Nigel
Osborne ("The Elecrophilic Substitution of the Soviet Union"), Leonard
Bernstein ("Chloride"), John Adams ("Neon In China"), and Philip Glass
("Einsteinium On The Beach"). However, some critics believe Rossini's "The
Silicon Ladder" to have been a more significant influence on Glass. Sir
Michael Tippett was nitred in recognition of his chemical opera "The KNO3
Garden".

chemistry
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October 4
October 12
What element do women use to get dates ? Tellurium
What did the chemist say to a chic babe when he passed by her in his
sports car ? Radon baby !

chemistry
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From: jpark#NoSpam.eis.calstate.edu (John Park),
 Amy E. Bradburn

(a.bradburn#NoSpam.sympatico.ca), flatter#NoSpam.rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter),
,Ron Forsch, (rforsch#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com) Megan Waves (rg#NoSpam.netbistro.com)

What does one do with a dead body? Barium in a krypt-on
Maybe he was killed oxydentally.
They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
Ah, barium anyway, just to see how he reacts.
better though to have helium.
Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
Locked up for life, in Irons.
They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.

Maybe their into plastic surgery.
What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
To large gashes?  Sodium.

Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
Like BaNa2, name IOAg.  I O Silver.

Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
From: nuke#NoSpam.netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...

Where does one put the dishes? Zinc
What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc

Name BaNa2. banana

Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice
Also done w/ MD for paramedic
Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist.
1,3 and physics, metaphysics.

Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost
carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.

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From: "Darwin Smith" <darsmit#NoSpam.adams.net>
What did the cowboy do with his horse? Rhodium
Tell the rodeo cowboy what to do with the calf - Europium
What did the gambler do with his cards? Palladium
If a chemist becomes flabby, find a way to Fermium up.

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From: bill.considine#NoSpam.execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE)
From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48):

What's a cation afraid of?  A dogion!

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From: CLD#NoSpam.msc.com

        PhD
         |
        / \
       |   |
        \ /
         |
         PhD    Para - Doc's   (can draw ortho - doc's as well)

HiHoAg           hi ho silver!!!

From: dan.arico#NoSpam.wdn.com (Dan Arico)


     CH3- _    _    _    _ - CH3
        /   \/   \/   \/   \
       |    |    |    |    |
        \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
        /  \ /  \ /  \ /  \
       |    |    |    |    |
   CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3


Tetramethylchickenwire

From: bkd#NoSpam.christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann)

               o  o  o
H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
               |  |  |
              / \/ \/ \

A propyl people ether!

From: dan.arico#NoSpam.wdn.com (Dan Arico)


               Fe - Fe
              /       \
             Fe       Fe
              \       /
               Fe - Fe

Ferrous Wheel

From: sppp#NoSpam.hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)


        PhD
         |   PhD
        / \ /
       | O |
        \ /

                Orthodox        (ortho - Doc's)
                --------


      MD
       I
      / \
     | O |        Metaphysicians
      \ /\        --------------
          MD


       O   O
    ---I---I-----O-C3H7   Propylpeople ether
       I   I              ------------------
       /\  /\
      /  \   \



         4
         |
        / \
       | O |__4
        \ /

                Metaphor        (meta - 4)


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From: ChemTeam#NoSpam.clubnet.net (John L. Park)

More benzene variations:

  chutes         dice        I guess this looks even better with
    |             |          pictures for the dice.
   / \           / \
  |   |         |   |
   \ /           \ /
    |             |
  chutes        dice

parachutes     paradice


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From: nuke#NoSpam.netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)

   O-R-NMe2
   |
   |
  / \  /\
 /   \/  \
I         O                a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
          |                  (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements)
        --|--
          |
         / \

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From: "donald haarmann" <donald-haarmann#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>

         HO_       This should be a circle with --OH's radiating out.
          / \
         |   |
          \_/       Sun diol
            OH

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From: a481#NoSpam.mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer)

What is this:

        NaCl(aq)   NaCl(aq)
        C  C  C  C  C  C  C

Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"

From: Colin_Douthwaite#NoSpam.equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)


         /|\\
        / | \\
       /  |  \\
     ||   |    |
     ||   |    |
     ||  / \   |
       \/   \//
        \   //
         \ //


          or



         ,o*^|*`?.
       ,8    |    ?
       8     |     8
       8    / \    8
       `8  /   \  d
         `?._  _.o'
| -root#NoSpam.rivendel.com-
           ======
          /      \
         /        \
         \\      //
          \\____//

     mercedes benzine??

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From: Martin <clarke#NoSpam.web.net.au>
   ___                                      ___
 //   \\   Pyrole                         //   \\   Azole
 \  O  /                                  \  N  /


   ___                                      ___
 //   \\   Thiole                         //   \\   Arsole
 \  S  /                                  \ As  /

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  Ma
    \   /
     C=C
    /   \
         Pa

trans-parent

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From: Eric Lucas <ealucas#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
Ter     Ter
   \    /
    C==C              Sister

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From: jvinson#NoSpam.cyberhighway.net (John Vinson)

Sister
      \
       ==
         \
          Sister      Transistor

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From: "DeCoster, David C." <David.C.DeCoster#NoSpam.sgppl.com>
transistor:

Ter
    \
     ==          Ter
          \      /
            ==

trans-cis-ter

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From: "McCord Matthew SSgt 373 DET8" <Matthew.McCord#NoSpam.McConnell.af.mil>


C-O-C            is Di Methyl Ether

C-O-C-C      is Methyl Ethyl Ether
 

                     \o/    \o/  
what does C-C-C-O -  /\  -  /\  equal?
The last two figures are suppose to be stick figures

From: privacy.at Anonymous Remailer" <mixmaster#NoSpam.remailer.privacy.at>
Answer:  purple (=propyl) people eater (=ether)
An old silly song (search "purple people eater" on any music site, such as
amazon.com or see: http://www.shebwooley.com/ppe.htm )


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From: Bill Walker (walker#NoSpam.hap.arnold.af.mil)

I also remember a few from organic chemistry:

  /\
    \
     N--N
     |    \
     |    /
     N--N
     |  |
    /  /

Chicken Tetrazene

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From: Robert F. Drury (drury#NoSpam.esvax.dunet.dupont.com)

           /\ /\
             O

The Ether Bunny

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From: johnmark#NoSpam.leland.stanford.edu (jmj)

What is the name of this molecule:    bunny-O-bunny

A:"ether bunny"

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From: tomm#NoSpam.netcom.com (Tom Murray)

chemical formula:

        HIJKLMNO

What is it?  It's the formula for water.

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From: KGNJ65A#NoSpam.prodigy.com (Ed Strnad)

What's the formula for water?
-H-two-O

What's the formula for an ice cube?
-H-two-O-CUBED

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From: eridani#NoSpam.scn.org (Martha K. Koester)

Chemical formulas:  (NH2CONH2)2 = diurea

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From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu>
Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH3? (Numbers are meant to be subscripts)

A:  Urea.

Q:  What is this molecule: H3NCONH2-H2NCONH3?

A:  Diurea.

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From: "Dr. Steve Simpson" <S.J.Simpson#NoSpam.chemistry.salford.ac.uk>
Hexakis(nitroso)benzene C6(NO)6 - the ultimate contraceptive ; NO in all
positions.

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From: lanzi#NoSpam.inland.com
Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2?
A:Oxymoron

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From: "Gary K Gardner" <gary.gardner#NoSpam.freeuk.com>

Have you heard about the new oral contraceptive - hexanitrosobenzene? It
has "NO" in all six positions.


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From: jay.freedman#NoSpam.pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)

These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:
It takes alkynes to make a world.

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From: bgnosis#NoSpam.isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene,
helicase, and ATP?   Screwballs."

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From: bgnosis#NoSpam.isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)

Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?
A:HIOAg, away!

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From: ts#NoSpam.uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi)

Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.

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From: gardner#NoSpam.sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner)

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

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August 9
July 9
From:  S.P.F.
Q: What do chemists use to make guacomole?
A:Avogadros.

chemistry
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From: "George Scott" <gscott#NoSpam.brawleyonline.com>
 
Q: What do you get if you chop an Avogadro up into 6.02 X 10^23 pieces?
A: Guaca-MOLE!

chemistry
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August 9
July 9

From: tm37#NoSpam.acme.gatech.edu (Tom Merchant)

Q: What did the Italian chemist say when he became becalmed whilst sailing?
A: Avagadro  (I've a gotta row)

chemistry
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October 11
August 31
From: "Robert L. LaDuca" <rlladuca#NoSpam.rs01.kings.edu>
Yesterday when talking about energy units/enthalpy I drew a man, woman, and
child on the board.  I put a "J" on each of them.  Then I kept on going,
without paying it any attention. I let them figure it out, a minute or so
later got groans and laughter.  Yup, the "Family Joule". ;)

chemistry
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From: Dennis Feely <dfeely#NoSpam.unlinfo.unl.edu>
Chemistry:  Did you hear about the chemist that fell into the
esterification vat?  They managed to save his life but he was left
terribly butylated.

chemistry
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From: "Kerry L. Opel" <kopel#NoSpam.dragonbbs.com>
Be a free radical! Join the anti-Markovnikov Movement!

chemistry
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From: xxxxx#NoSpam.concentric.net
The politically-aware chemistry student protested by carrying
a picket sign that stated: "Free Radicals Now!"

From: charlie (charlie#NoSpam.tuna.net)

I'm positive that a free electron once stripped me of an electron after
he lepton me.  You gotta keep your ion them

From: Soby1 (soby1#NoSpam.msn.fullfeed.com)

It could be just a quark of his nature...  Or perhaps he's just
seeking a reaction.  Chemists do like to mix it up.

From: Matt Swanson <edgetho#NoSpam.aol.com>
It's good to keep a positive attitude and not have an electron cloud
hanging over your head.

From: fc3a501#NoSpam.GEO.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

Did your hear about the chemist who had to
visit the urologist because of a screw dislocation?

chemistry
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From: Rocky and Mugsy <just#NoSpam.aminute.duck>
The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.
Their idea of a catalyst:

2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar

chemistry
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From: pkenny#NoSpam.titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny)

 Black Angus            :          Black Angus
 Black Angus            :          Texas Longhorn
 Black Angus            :          Brown Swiss
 ___________________________________________________
 Homogeneous Catalyst   :        Heterogeneous Catalyst

chemistry
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak
Catalyst: A record of your cows and bulls  (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

chemistry
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August 9
July 9
From: tphillips#NoSpam.biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips)

Q:How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocado's number.

chemistry
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From: mykestan#NoSpam.csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge)

Q:What is the most chaste organic compound?
A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!

chemistry
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From: (fortunes)
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer!  My joules!  Someone has stolen my
joules!"

"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment.  Perhaps they're mislead."

"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence.  "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."

Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.

"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous.  His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium.  Maybe I can
catch him there."  With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
                -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"

chemistry
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From: fc3a501#NoSpam.AMRISC04.math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)

How do you make a 24(??)-molar solution?
Put you artificial teeth in water.

chemistry
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From: pclarke#NoSpam.waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

Q: What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?
A: Methylated Spirits....

chemistry
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Februari 28
August 19
From: "\"Alan \\\"Uncle Al\\\" Schwartz\"" <uncleal0#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
What do you call a fruit which is 97% ascorbic acid?  A Pauling.
(appalling)

chemistry
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From: "Anthony M. Becker" <becker#NoSpam.oakland.edu>
I saw one of those monster chemicals attacking a woman and shouting her
name; he kept screaming "Die, Ethyl!" That's radical, dude.

chemistry
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From: mdecaire#NoSpam.eagle.wbm.ca (Marc Guy DeCaire)

Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his
factory?

His business went insolvent.

chemistry
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From: mkastela#NoSpam.jagor.srce.hr (The MACAN Family)

And why does a white bear melt in water?
Because it's polar.

chemistry
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From: adwohlwi#NoSpam.uic.edu (Arthur Wohlwill)

I was going to make up a buffer, but I was out of Potassium Chloride. Oh,
well as they say K Cl, Cl.

chemistry
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From: fmjones#NoSpam.gate.cybernex.net (Fred Jones)

You mean you haven't heard about that fatty acid ester, ethyl
palpitate, and the synthetic procedure, how to make ethyl palpitate??

chemistry
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From: outlier#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com (Ray Redd)

Q:How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.

chemistry
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From: bpc#NoSpam.netcom.com (Benjamin P. Carter)

How about the chemical workers--are they unionized?     ;)

chemistry
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From: Larry C. (LC2B#NoSpam.delphi.com)

A groaner in the "Periodic" tradition:
 
Q: Why did the chemicals refuce to react?
 
A: They were unionized (WINCE!)

chemistry
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From: cblair#NoSpam.thenet.co.uk (Christopher J Blair)

Another example is the name for a molecule that is not ionized.  Is
"unionized" a synonym for neutral?

From: wpenrose#NoSpam.interaccess.com (William R. Penrose)

No, it means they will stop carrying a charge until they get more money.

chemistry
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From: thweatt#NoSpam.prairie.nodak.edu (Superdave the Wonderchemist)

My favorite has always been uranyl acetate is it pronounced "yur-AYN-ul"
or "YUR-u-nil"?  The pronunciation makes a big difference.  For those of
you in the UK try uranyl arsenate.  Of course you can try uranyl uranate,
but that would be anatomically incorrect (or at least wierd).

Is PoO4(2-) polonate?  If so is it necessary for plant reproduction?

What about GeO3(2-), is that germinate?  If so is it necessary for
agriculture as well?


chemistry
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From: peabody#NoSpam.wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran)

Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado
Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket"
The Uranium Songs:
"I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter)
"I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan)

Movie:
"I Was a Teenage Werewolfram"

Miscellaneous:
The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the
Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland

June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy.

chemistry
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From: Sluggo the Pig <sluggothepig#NoSpam.geocities.com>
A group of students were in Chemistry class.  They were in the process
of heating a chemical material in a flask for futher study.  They
asked the teacher if he had any insulating material to handle the hot
container with, to which the teacher replied, "No, Do as best as you
can!!!"

chemistry
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From: "R.Balk" <balk.rg#NoSpam.hsbrabant.nl>
For people who understand Dutch:
V: Het staat in een lab en luistert altijd?
A: Een chromatobraaf.

chemistry
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Q: Why does hamburger have lower energy than steak?
A: Because it's in the ground state.

chemistry
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October 10
Februari 24
Q: What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer?
A: Hydrogens.

chemistry
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From: Lester S. Ruth <lajm#NoSpam.mediaone.net>
Did you hear about the chemist who fell into the methoxybenzene reactor and
made anisole of himself?

chemistry
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From: LOUIS <Louisphz#NoSpam.SKYNET.be>
1)What is the most feminist acid?
What is the most oscillating acid?
What is table acid?

        A:Periodic acid

2)If all the acids has to participate to the Olympic games, which one
would win all the gold?

        A:Performic acid

3)Which acid can spend his entire life in devotion?

        A:Acetic acid

chemistry
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March 6
From: wmaya#NoSpam.vmsb.is.csupomona.edu (wmaya#NoSpam.vmsb.is.csupomona.edu)

Periodic Acid is the acid that is obtained from boiling old periodic tables
in class rooms.


chemistry
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From: blueyes82#NoSpam.attbi.com
Two men sit on their pourch and stare at a car from across the street.
One man says: That CARBON there for days.

chemistry
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Januari 6
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
From: "Samara Morgan" <fussylady01#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Three wise chemists walk into a bethlehem stable. Seeing the son of god
lying in his manger, they tell Mary they have brought three gifts.  They
drop to their knees and each give the baby jesus an isomer of
[Au(NO2)(CO)2].
 
Gold, FAC n' CIS and MER

chemistry
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November 3
April 30
From: PowerTenGiver#NoSpam.aol.com

When asked if she wanted a PB and J sandwich for lunch, Jane said no I
don't want a Lead and Jelly sandwich!

chemistry
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From: "gigihart" <gigihart#NoSpam.email.msn.com>
oxidative cleavage is not just another fashion statement...

chemistry
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November 12
July 30
Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni#NoSpam.pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
Argon: Someone stole the letter between Q and S!

chemistry
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From: Ed Felton (felton#NoSpam.eng3.UUCP)

Add to this list if you can, but please send additions to me too.

Some of these are not obvious, try looking at them for a while.

           List of "XXX's favorite elements"

                               ELEMENTS


What is a mortician's favorite element?  Barium &  Krypton
What are a doctor's favorite elements?  Helium & Curium
What is a robber's least favorite element? Copper
What is a stage performers favorite element? Actinium
What is Pat Sajak's favorite element?  Vanadium
What is Mickey Mouse's favorite element? Plutonium
What is a geneticist's favorite element? Mendelevium
What is Saddam Hussein's favorite element? Cesium
What is a nymphomaniac's favorite element? Fermium
What is George Bush's favorite element?  Protactinium
What is a friend's favorite element?  Palladium
What is Monty Pithon's favorite element? Nickel 
What is Dr. Watson's favorite element?  Holmium
What is a tourist's favorite element?  Europium, Germanium, Francium
What is the Cowardly Lion's favorite element? Osmium
What is a tailor's favorite element?  Sodium
What is an hit man's favorite element?  Iridium
What is a guy's favorite element?  Gallium
What is a captain's least favorite element? Zinc
What is a programmer's favorite element? Carbon
What is a plowman's favorite element?  Oxygen
What is a baker's favorite element?  Flourine
What is an orthopaedic surgeon's fav. element? Neon
What is Odyssius' favorite element?  Beryllium
What is a draftsman's favorite element?  Cadmium
What is Margaret's defense against rape? Magnesium
What is Mrs. Pacino's favorite element?  Aluminum
What is a prison's funniest element?  Silicon  
What is "Happy Days" favorite element?  Phosphorus
What is a merchant's favorite element?  Sulfur
What element inspired famous designer jeans? Calcium
What is a steam rollers favorite element? Platinum
What is a fax machine's favorite element? Scandium
What is prince Charles' favorite element? Polonium
What is a Usenet Users favorite element? Radon
What is a morning person's favorite element? Americium
What is a Hayes Modem's favorite element? Astatine
What is San Francisco's favorite element? Titanium
What is Frisco's second favorite element? Uranium
What is Frisco's third favorite element? Bismuth
What is Odin's favorite element?  Chromium
What is a college registrar's favorite element? Iron
What is used car dealers favorite element? Selenium
What is Mad Max's favorite element?  Rhodium
What is a music lover's favorite element? Cadmium
What is the clergyman's least favorite element? Tin
What is the KGB's least favorite element? Tellurium
What is the football player's least fav. elmt? Hafnium
What is a thespian's favorite element?  Actinium
What is a bald man's favorite element?  Chromium
What is a C programmer's favorite element? Argon
What is a three year old's favorite element? Yttrium
What is the friendliest element?  Hydrogen
What element is not as friendly?  Gold
What element is always leaving?   Copper
What is the least truthful element  Lithium
Which element is least liked at a party? Boron
What element do you use to clean a   thunderbucket?    Potassium
Where do you get Jovian fast food?  Iodine-r

chemistry
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                            Imaginary Elements

From: Harry Farkas (hfarkas#NoSpam.columbus.rr.com)
Unobtanium: Metal from which impossible-to-find auto parts are made [from
news:alt.autos.studebaker]
Gotohellium: Self-explanatory
Tedium: Element used in boring
Carbom: Element used by terrorists
Titamium: Material used for support brassieres

From: Bob
Carban: What was used before they discovered Unobtanium
Hairgon: A noble gas that causes baldness
Tonguesten: The essential element of politicians
Bedelam: What little boys are really made of
Cranium: What the inventor of the lifting device thought would be good
Dallium: Half-life of 1E9999999999 years
Halfnium: Metal used for patella replacements
Rekneeum: When Halfnium isn't enough
Perterbium: Very difficult to discover
Anguscrum: Used instead of leather for Scottish rugby matches
Angstrum: A very small element
Myanium: Not uranium
Eastgermanium and Westgermanium: Products of germanium fission
Shelium: Fuses with helium
Flowerine: A bloomin' beautiful element
Sodayum: New sweetener for carbonated drinks
Nigh,o,be,um: The essential element of love
Crypton: The element of death
Donnyosmium: Gets teeth really, really white
Pallidium: Grayish-white element
Seizeium: Stickyest element
Goholmiun: What I gotta do.  Bye.
Argon: (What we'll be when we all goholmiun)

From: Glenn Gardner (steed#NoSpam.netcom.ca)
Iumium: Highly addictive element used in making chocolates. (GG)
Hagisesium: Causes intense reaction after eating local 'delicacies'.

chemistry
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                      Out Of Their Element
From: A.M.H. (SPAMannhov#NoSpam.total.netSTINKS)

The silicon put his neon the window ledge, climbed out and then
krypton along the wall to meet his buddy. I hope the guard cesium
before they argon!

From: mellnick (mellnick#NoSpam.sunnetworks.net)

But the guard lepton the ledge.  Might be that silicon has an unusual quark,
a magnetic personality.

From: Robert Amesz (rcameszREMOVETHIS#NoSpam.dds.nl.removethistoo)

These puns get boron real soon. We could branch out into minerals, of
quartz. On second thought, how about a Heavy Metal thread? Discuss Van
Helium, or some other (absorption) band. O dear, I believe I've lead you

Steel yourselves -- someone's about to copper an attitude, and some of us
are not as ferrous others and can berylli,um, sulphurous.

From: Bob C. (bobcar#NoSpam.eskimo.com)

It was Sherlock Holmes who organized all those elements into today's  modern
tree structure.  He always patted himself on the back by repeatedly saying
"Element tree, my dear Watson".

chemistry
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From: Anonymous

Before starting an organic chemistry test on isomerism, a student asks his
professor if the test was difficult.  The professor, recognizing the
student was not prepared answered, "Of course, all of this material is
E-Z."

chemistry
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From: "Eugene Hluschak" <genehl#NoSpam.sympatico.ca>

Kekule, who conceptualized  the Benzene Ring was sitting at the bar at the
Scientists Ball expounding on how the whole idea had come to him in a dream.

'Thatís very interesting.' said the man sitting next to him.

'Oh yeah! And who might you be?' he asked.

'Iím Robert Chesebrough.' said the man.

'And what are you famous for might I ask?'

'Not much ... but I did invent petroleum jelly ... you know Vaseline!'

'And how did you dream up that idea?'

'Oh, I didnít dream it at all Ö I got it from my pet parrot Ö the one with a
speech impediment.'

'Oh really ... now just how did that happen?'

'Well I was working with crude oils back when Rockefeller was making his
fortune in the industry and we had all these by-products that were being
dumped into a stream and I was thinking about how they could be put to good
use. I was out for a walk in the park one day with my pet parrot on my
shoulder when she spied a rather large duck! She immediately squawked
'Polymer needs a Quacker'. I realized that it would put her to great stress
so I came up with Vaseline.'

chemistry
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From: Eric Daymo (eric#NoSpam.fold.berkeley.edu)

            The Story of Ethyl & Grignard ....  E.D.    2/4/93
 
 
Ethyl and Grignard met at the H bar - a popular spot for continuous
operators to hang out.  Ethyl noticed Grignard as soon as he transported
himself in.  At first their attraction was only Van der Waals, but
after Grignard bought Ethyl some ethanol the conversation became quite
friendly.
 
The couple fell deeper into the potential well of love.  Grignard felt his 
rigid rotor gain a quanta and he knew it was time to operate on Ethyl.  
"Would you commute with me, Ethyl?  My Mercedes Benzyl is parked right 
outside."   Ethyl was excited about the opportunity to hybridize with the 
best molecule in the bar and left without hesitation.
 
The reaction proceeded at a fast rate, and Grignard was quick to distill the
small talk down to the synthesis that was at hand.  He exposed his nucleophile
and asked Ethyl to remove her protecting group.  Ethyl was taken aback by this
lowering of the energy barrier.  "Shouldn't we take precautions against
side reactions?"  Grignard laughed - he knew the conditions were right and no
unwanted products would be formed.
 
Ethyl removed her protecting group and exposed her lone pairs.  Grignard,
who to this point was in a ground state, realized the potential and entered
an excited state. The transition shocked Ethyl, who moaned, "I've never seen
such a long alkyl group before." Grignard smiled with pride, but in his mind he
worried whether or not his long chain would cause steric hindrances. 
Ethyl and Grignard maneuvered near each other without any hydrophobic 
tendencies.  Ethyl's feelings were basic:  she wanted maximum overlap.
 
Grignard backside attacked ethyl, taking advantage of her fully exposed
carbo-cation.  "Ooh," Ethyl said, "no solvent molecule has ever done that
to me before.  All they ever did was deprotinate me - I was left all alone
feeling rather negative." 
 
Grignard added himself to her, but he never equilibrated and was forced to
reverse his reaction. 
 
"Don't tease me with your carbo-anion ... Complete the mechanism."  When 
Grignard backside attacked for the second time, he could feel the hyper-
conjugation taking place.  Grignard maneuvered her lone pairs and pushed 
his electrons deep into her conjugated pi system.  Ethyl shrieked at the 
thought of this un-natural anti-bonding configuration, but Grignard explained 
that what they were doing was symmetry allowed.  Afterall, this was a hetero-
lytic reaction.
 
Now that the initialization step was complete, the long series of propagation
steps started.  Ethyl started feeling rather radical, and her new reactivity
caused Grignard to vibrate faster.  Grignard could begin to feel a coupling
between his vibration and rotation.  Obviously he was dealing with no simple
basis set, for she was currently fully orthogonal.   Grignard whispered
to Ethyl, "You better watch out because I'm going to normalize you."  Ethyl
reminded Grignard that she can't be diagonalized like any other molecule,
and her wavefunction was too complicated for even the most sophisticated 
algorithm to elucidate.
 
They were both happy until Grignard asked Ethyl if she'd mind if he had her
spectra taken.  The thought of being probed by an electromagnetic field
horrified her.  If that wasn't all, the spectra would likely be published
in one of those chemistry magazines ... and her pi system and lone pairs
would be exposed for all to see.
 
Ethyl entered a new resonance structure, shifted a negative charge to her
carboxyl group, and made further conjugation by Grignard unfavorable.
To make matters worse, Grignard forgot Ethyl's IUPAC name!  Ethyl put her
protecting group back on and kicked Grignard out of her beaker.
 
As Grignard walked back to his Benzyl he realized that he was a little 
dehydrated.  The night was still young, so he convected himself back to 
the H Bar, where he continued to operate frictionlessly on other hermitian 
functions.

chemistry
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From: zahir hussain <zahirratan#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

amino-acid: Am I No Acid?
keto-acid: Yes, you are.

chemistry
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From: "D Tan" <d_tan#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

Daddy Graduated cylinder: *proudly* My son just graduated today!!!
Daddy Thermometer: *with a smug* no big deal!!! my son, he has many degrees!

chemistry
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From: <sporkymf#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Chemistry puts the "cation" in education.

chemistry
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From: "Vector Marketing" <cutcocutler1#NoSpam.bellnet.ca>
Q: How can you get a criminal record working as a chemist?
A: You can get charged with assault and battery.
(A salt and battery)

chemistry
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak
He was studying chemistry in college but by third year he was out of his
element. (Pun of the Day) 

chemistry
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From: HWEI S. TEOH (cs932156#NoSpam.ariel.cs.yorku.ca)
Subject: Re: chem humour
 
View this article only
Newsgroups: sci.chem
Date: 1994-01-18 12:28:40 PST

Chemical formulae which spell words :)

HI      hydrogen iodide
HAt     hydrogen astatide
GaP     gallium phosphide
RaTe    radium telluride
RaTiO3  radium titanate
BaSe    barium selenide
CAt4    carbon tetra-astatide (4 cats?)
H2CmO3  curious acid??!

or, with some twists:

NO      NO, not me
NO2     NO, not me too (two)
NaH     NaH, not me either!
BaH2    Bah! all no's!
SO3     so what?
AsH3    Arsine = ash?
AsH4Cl  (Ash chloride???)
AsH4CO3 (carbonated ash???? or ash-cola?!)
GeO2    short for GEnuine oxhide?!

From: Steven Patterson (chesepx#NoSpam.gsusgi2.gsu.edu)

TiCl2  Tickle too
TiCl4  Tickle 4

From: DMH132#NoSpam.psuvm.psu.edu (DMH132#NoSpam.psuvm.psu.edu)
NaCHO3 Nachos

Can anyone come up with more? :)

chemistry
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak

	There once was a girl named Irene
	Who lived on distilled kerosene
		But she started absorbin'
		A new hydrocarbon
	And since then has never benzene.

chemistry
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From: jarosw#NoSpam.hotmail.com

Flame away if you'd like, but these need to be shared with other
chemists :)

-What is 1,3-dinitrobenzene's favorite dinner item?



------------Meta-loaf!
----------------------------------------------------
-What is acetone's favorite big-screen actor?


-----------Michael Ketone!

...Sorry, I couldn't resist.  Just saw 'White Noise' last night.  Feel
free to add to this gold-mine of comedy.

chemistry
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From: ol3#NoSpam.webtv.net (Oscar Lanzi III)

Q.  Can free radicals be isolated under ordinary laboratory conditions?
A.  NO.

chemistry
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From: "Douglas D. Anderson" <dda#NoSpam.rr.rochester.com>

Never call your chem lab equipment nasty names

You might get an angry retort

chemistry
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak
The formula for water is H2O, so the formula for frozen water is H2O
cubed. (Renee from Napa) 

chemistry
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak
Propane: My dentist doesn't believe in anesthesia. He's PROPANE. (Suuzzee)

chemistry
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From: Vik Olliver <vik#NoSpam.olliver.family.gen.nz>
Heard about the man who poisoned his wife with a razor?
He gave her arse a nick.

Potassium ethoxide rules  C2H5OK

chemistry
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From: "Farrar, Clarence" <FarrarC#NoSpam.joshuaisd.org>

What do you call too many cows on one side of a ship?

A catalyst!

(In nautical terms a list (I think the spelling is correct) is when a ship
leans to one side.)

chemistry
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From: Chris Urquhart <urquhart777#NoSpam.gmail.com>

Oh chemistry, how you Bohr me. 


chemistry
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From: <kittyman#NoSpam.peoplepc.com>

LAB FAST FOODS:  Bunsen burgers.  (Dr. Charles G. Waugh)

chemistry
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From: Jacob <megagmr1#NoSpam.yahoo.com>
Hydrogen and Oxygen are in a bar having a drink when Gold walks in and both
say:
 
Au get outta the bar!!

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From Ard Rietveld
A Dutch one:
Wat beeldt deze scheikundige formule uit? 
H2O H2O F D 

H2O =  Water 
H = H 
2 x een O = OO 
F = F 
D = D 

WATERHOOFD 


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