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physics
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JOKES FROM THE AMERICAN PHYSICAL SOCIETY PUBLICATIONS...(4/6/96)
Sex or physics discovers the joy of: Quite a surprise, the JOY of sex. Who
would have expected it? Imagine you are in your teens and it will take
another dozen years of intense study to master sex. The years are filled
with uncertainty. Sex is damn hard. It's not for everyone. You have to
work long hours at it and neglect other things. Will you qualify? And then
what? Sure, you're good at it but will you get a job doing sex? Come on,
gang, be realistic. What we need is The Joy of Physics. Lavishly
illustrated, it will show all the positions by which you can go blind
squinting at spectra.
Marketing or Physics Finally Learns How to Write a College Catalog Entry:
(Physics 101, in competition with comparable courses of other science
departments, is a Quantitative Lab Science Elective for non-science
majors.) Students, listen up. You don't want to get acid burns on your
clothes. You don't want to cut up frogs. You don't want to spend your days
cracking rocks in the vain hope that the inside will differ from the
outside or your nights freezing on the roof waiting for the clouds to pass
so you can peek at the moon. I didn't think so. Take Physics 101. The
objective is to learn a little useful science and get a grade you and I can
both live with without either of us suffering too much. Sound good?
The Legal Profession or Physics Discovers Advertising: Don't get burned
twice. Your experiment has failed to produce the desired result. It's not
your fault. It's the equipment. It's the manufacturer. They didn't do the
job. Sue them. Physics Legal Aid will handle your case. Remember, if you
don't get paid, we don't get paid. And we always get paid.
The Medical Profession or Physics Discovers Billing: Someone has a sick
experiment. That's your cue and a cue for all other physicists within
hearing. You simply show up one morning, read the thermometer, and mail in
a bill for two hundred dollars. It works like magic. And most patients
recover. The insurance company pays and we all feel better.
Major League Sports or Physics Discovers Free Agency: (Be careful; this
strategy works best for twenty game winners or thousand yard rushers, in
other words Nobel Prize candidates.) My client has worked through his
contract and is not free to sign with any other school run by millionaires.
So bid him up. Maybe when all bids are in he'll re-sign with the same
school for ten times his former salary. Plus incentives. Multi-year offers
only.
Telemarketing or Physics Discovers Matchmaking: Have I got a physicist for
you? She's fresh out of school, our latest product. She programs in many
languages. She builds equipment. She can pull a vacuum with best of
them. And don't worry, fans, she checks for hidden leaks and repairs them.
But that's not all. Your ginsu physicist takes data, analyzes it, fits it
to standard models. That's still not all. At the command WRITE she will
type your paper meeting the requirements of PHYS REV. Attractive enough to
be in your own home yet sufficiently durable for the laboratory, this
physicist will make you the envy of your friends. And she is almost willing
to share housework or babysitting 50/50. Make that 25/75 and you do the
cooking. Not sold in stores.
Astrology of Physics Encounters the Daily Newspaper: (Can you believe the
Hartford Courant?) If today is your birthday and you are reading this
column, you're out of your mind. What are you doing? Get out, get a life,
study physics. (Getting control over my word processor.) Energy will be
conserved. Use it well. Entropy will be created. Try not to worry.
Discoveries will be made. By someone. (This shows the strong resemblance
between astrological divination and Chinese cookie fortunes.)
physics
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Physics Course List
* Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when
painting a rainbow?
* Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a
boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?
* Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and
'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a
budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).
We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing
(DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as
a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look
at all the wonderful courses we offer.
PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics
A required course for students in all subject areas which
require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math
...)
Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,
optics, gravity
Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics
PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics
The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of
science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If
the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class
is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the
course for you.
Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the
good stuff covered in PHYS 100
Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between
moving and parked cars
PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies
This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in
physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some
of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for
Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be
the one department in the University that only offers quality
courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as
little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who
have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff
will have an advantage in remembering this.)
Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the
difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence
permitting)
Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute
PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy
The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without
having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the
course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look
good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the
subject.
Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?
Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'
PHYS 200 Modern Physics
Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the
last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that
would permit you to do something with this knowledge.
Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)
Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught
you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation
PHYS 201 E&M #1
We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100
because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though
you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we
consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should
be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first
week of the term.
Topics Include: Maxwell's equations
Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100
PHYS 205 Optics
Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will
acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of
light - what is it and how does it behave?
Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes
that are too strong, not too weak?
Prerequisites: PHYS 201
PHYS 207 Mechanics
No, this is not a course in car maintainance!
Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space
Prerequisites: PHYS 100
PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)
Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum
mechanics say would happen if you were to put
1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this
class and find out!
Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function
Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523
PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)
This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't
able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.
Topics Include: is your cat really alive?
Prerequisites: PHYS 200
PHYS 400 E&M #2
Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students
with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the
subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.
Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms
Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get
PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies
We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to
offer an advanced physics course especially geared for
humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is
evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for
everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching
this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of
the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they
will love this class'.
Topics Include: which way is down?
Prerequisites: PHYS 123
physics
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From: <sinan#NoSpam.lumina.ro> I am a Physics teacher at The International School of Bucharest. Your site is a real treasure, and I wanted to add a small jewellery: It happened in my class.. 'We were talking about the acceleration of free-fall. I wrote a 'g' letter on the board, and asked 'How can we measure this constant? Do you have any idea?' One of them stood up, came to the board, and measured the length of the 'g' letter on the board, and said 'by a ruler, teacher!'
physics
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Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach your
hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. Did you
notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in pain? This
teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, but we must never
use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an important electrical
lesson.
It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed your
feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small objects
that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will attract dirt. The
electrons travel through your bloodstream and collect in your finger, where
they form a spark that leaps to your friend's filling, then travels down to
his feet and back into the carpet, thus completing the circuit.
Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your finger
would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you have
carpeting.
Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
physics
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From: "Frank Bohan" <franbo#NoSpam.globalnet.co.uk>
Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of
these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them
in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who
flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock.
This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it
also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in
incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned."
Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Ben Franklin may have found electricity, but the guy who invented
the meter is the guy who came off with the real gold out of this
whole process. --- Unknown (may also be Dave Barry)
physics
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From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
TRANSFORMATIONS AND DISTRIBUTION
Dear Dr. Science,
I am interested in Fourier Transformations and the Theory of
Distribution. Can you help me?
-- Prabir Mitra, Katowice, Silesia/Poland
What could you possibly need help with? Why, those transformations are
as plain as the nose on my face. Think of them as a filter that detects
random patterns and sends them far, far away. The Theory of
Distribution is the way the random garbage finds its way to the dump.
The dump used to be on Staten Island, but now it's on a barge, circling
the world, looking for a port that will accept it. If Poland doesn't
watch out, all the world's random patterns will end up there or in
Czekoslovakia. Throw them into the Baltic, it's already so polluted no
one will notice. At least that's what the Soviets thought.
All Dr. Science material Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre.
All rights reserved.
Dr. Science <Doc#NoSpam.drscience.com> http://www.drscience.com
physics
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From: ablang#NoSpam.mailcity.com (Ron Ablang)
Physics saves lives
One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have
to learn this pointless information."
"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the
lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does
physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses like you out of medical school," replied the
professor.
physics
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From: livesey#NoSpam.eng.sun.com (Jon Livesey) I don't know if this counts as a joke, but I was there when it happened. Early morning Physics class filled with slightly dazed freshmen. Eager beaver post-doc teaching the class asks "The wavelength of the Sodium yellow line. What is it? You there!" Fortunately he has his eagle eye on the guy next to me, who mutters: oh shit, and replies "A hundred and one?" "Hah!" says the postdoc "A hundred and one what?" "Um, a hundred and one, point two?"
physics
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From: "Jason Sykora" <theoretical_physics#NoSpam.lycos.com> Superposition Redefined As a doctoral student in phsyics, I was recently teaching a freshman lab on vibrations in strings. One of the students asked me, "What is superposition?" One of the young women in class responded very quickly, before I had the chance to, "Oh, that is when you are on top!" Followed a few seconds later by, "I can't believe I just said that!"
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From: Kiwini Motutu <shegosay#NoSpam.yahoo.com>
"How I Became A Scientist"
or
"Things I Said In School That Got Me In Trouble"
By Edmund Johnson
2/16/05
Teacher: In 1887 Dr Heinrich Herts discovered radio waves.
Edmund: How did he know they were waving?
Teacher: Huh?
Edmund: The way you described the motion looks more like they were
swimming, maybe they should be called radio swims...Maybe they
were walking or running or giving him the finger.
Flux
Teacher: Today we are going to study flux, luminous flux, magnetic flux and
radiant flux.
Edmund: This is going to be one fluxed up day.
Switch
Teacher: Switch is an electrical device that makes or breaks a complete
path for the current.
Edmund: Oh no! Switch is a wooden device my mother breaks from a pear tree
that makes a complete path from her hand to my behind and
yes, it is electric!!!
Momentum
Teacher: Momentum is linear motion.
Edmund: That means memento, oops, I mean momento is a toe in linear
motion, just a toe at a time, not the entire foot, that would
be momentfoot and that is just not a word (pause) Wait!! yes
it is, I just invented it, I am a scientist!!!
Edmund Johnson
next:2.7 not learning physics (featuring Heavy Boots) | Index | Comments and Contributions
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