4. BIOLOGY

Subsections

general

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:3.8 H2O


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From: Steven Bedrick <bedrick#NoSpam.bigfoot.com>

While sitting in lab the other day, a discussion broke out about weekend
plans. Naturally, these plans consisted mainly of drinking. Or, as one
person referred to it, "killing brain cells". Someone observed that, even
though alcohol supposedly kills brain cells, they seem to do better in
classes during which they regularly take in modest amounts of alcohol than
in classes where they don't. This turned out to be a fairly common
phenomenon.

Since this was during a cell bio class, and we'd been studying biochemical
pathways all day, we started theorizing about different mechanisms of how,
exactly, this works. We came up with two good ones: the "natural selection"
mechanism, and the "exfoliation" mechanism.

The natural selection theory states that drinking: alcohol kills off the
weak, old, and slow brain cells, leaving only the more fit and effective
ones.

The exfoliation theory holds that alcohol removes the old, crusty, dead
layer of brain cells, exposing young fresh ones which are much faster. Sort
of like peeling an onion.

Either hypothesis fits the data, but in order to determine which is the
true explanation, more "field study" will have to be done... such is the
price of science.

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From: "Rob Slade, doting grandpa of Ryan and Trevor" <rslade#NoSpam.sprint.ca>
By the same token, this business of genes outside of the normal sequence
is difficult.  A great deal of genetic material appears to have no
particular purpose.  There is the standard joke that has geneticists
finally decode some of this material, only to find that some great long
string of codons reads "This space intentionally left blank."

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From: susie_cleland#NoSpam.hotmail.com (Susie Cleland)

Special Category: Definitions and terms
Doctors and veterinarians aren't born knowing all those
fifty-dollar-words they use; there are whole books
devoted to medical terminology.  Most of it is dry, staid
lists of words and definitions, but every now and then,
a bit of the authors' personality shows through.

In "Bailliere's Comprehensive Veterinary Dictionary" by
D. C. Blood and Virginia Studdert, the following entry
appears on page 133, right between Brunner's glands and
brush border:

"Brunus edwardii: the urban, companion animal bear, much
admired for its low food requirements and excellent
house training, a high emotional output and complete
freedom from disease.  Called also Ursus theodorus (USA)
and Pooh, Paddington or Brideshead bear (UK)."


(I could add that they may be free from disease, but
they do seem to be susceptible to lacerations requiring
surgical repair...)

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From: "Alexander Vinogradov" <aevin#NoSpam.link.cytspb.rssi.ru>
Biology (or natural philosophy?)

Studying flatworms, the student observed <in a limping
translation>:
"There gut exists, and the duct to gonad leads.
What else for happiness one needs?"

Another observation:

"The parasites die (only) on the corpse."

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A joke that is too often used during a lecture on conferences:
The speaker shows a gen (3000 times the characters G,A,C and T) and says:
"People sitting at the back may not be able to read all of this, but the
point is..."

(From the column of Ronald Plasterk in Intermediair, december 4, 1997)

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From Aliquotes Volume V Number x October/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
Okay, let me see if I've got this right, _Bioinformatics_ is the science of
taking sequential, structural and functional data, developed through years
of tedious and painstaking experimentation by _other_ hard-working
scientists, manipulating the hell out of it with a series of statististical
and computational algorithms, in the hope of presenting grand theories
which you will never have to test yourselves but which will have to be
verified by _other_ scientists at a later date.

Cool.  Where do I sign?

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From Aliquotes Volume V Number xi September/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
I think that we should salute the dedicated scientists who spend every
waking hour slaving at the bench and in the clinics, working like dogs,
neglecting single-mindedly in pursuit of the answer to the causes of
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

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From Aliquotes Volume V Number xi September/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
A word of warning to those who are surfing the Internet and who may fall
into this trap... when you see a posting for "FREE XXX", this is _NOT_ an
advertisement for a group of rebels in support of a free state for women
with the XXX-Syndrome

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From: oberon#NoSpam.vcn.bc.ca (Doug Skrecky)

                        A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache:

2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.:

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From: bsb3#NoSpam.cornell.edu (Seth Bowden)

In neurobiology lecture today, the professor mentioned that much of the
data we were seeing was culled from studies of leeches. He said, "Now, a
lot of you may think leeches are nasty creatures. The people working with
these creatures are quite fond of them, however. It is also reported that
the leeches often become attached to the researchers."

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From: (Robert Grove) rgrove#NoSpam.pogo.GPID.TEK.COM
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.
He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following:
He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the
bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl
alchohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if
anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

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From: Chris Morton (mortoncp#NoSpam.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
do it collection

From: Joao Batista(fbatista#NoSpam.cc.fc.ul.pt)

Special Category: Scientists do it...
Biologists do it with clones.
Molecular biologists do it with hot probes.
Zoologists do it with animals.
Genetists do it with sick genes.
Geneticists Do Nearly Animalistically (DNA).

From: gmacbeth <gmacbeth#NoSpam.cawdor.darkout.ca>
Limnologists/Oceanographers do it in depth.

(as seen on a bumper-sticker at SETAC annual meeting)
"Toxicologists do it 'till they're half-dead"
"Zoologists do it LIKE animals"?)

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From: David Smillie:
A little neurological put down:
You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.

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Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.

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November 19
August 12
Special Category: Definitions and terms
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin

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From: johnston#NoSpam.mhc.uiuc.edu (SJANNA JOHNSTON)

Biology exam: Create life . Justify your answer.

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                     THE HARVARD LAW
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn
well pleases.

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From: Tim.Nelson#NoSpam.Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

Special Category: Old scientists never die...
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away

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From: joeshmoe#NoSpam.world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge)
(List of Taglines)

Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.

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Much of what we know about man is derived from the study of sweet peas and
a species of vinegar fly.

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From: stuart.andrews#NoSpam.stanilite.com.au (Stuart Andrews)

Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association

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From: mwriggle#NoSpam.uoguelph.ca (Michael Wrigglesworth)

There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs.  He
was measuring just how far frogs could jump.  So he puts a frog on a line
and says "Jump frog, jump!".  The frog jumps 2 feet.  He writes in his
lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.

Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment.  "Jump frog
jump!" he says.  The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet.  So he writes in his
lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.

He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot.  He writes in his
book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.

He continues and removes yet another leg.  " Jump frog jump!" and the
frog somehow jumps a half of a foot.  So he writes in his lab book again:
'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.

Finally he chops off the last leg.  He puts the frog on the line and
teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!".  The frog doesn't move.  "Jump
frog, jump!!!".  Again the frog stays on the line.  "Come on frog,
jump!".  But to no avail.

The biologist finally writes in his book:  'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'

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From: Aliquotes v.i (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)

                                    NEW
                          From Pair-Docs Pictures

             They killed his grant and they took away his lab.
                       Now, he's out for revenge...

@@@@@@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@     @@@@@@@   @@@@@@    @@@@@@   @@@@@@@
@@@@@@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@     @@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@
  @@!    @@!  @@@  @@!            @@!    @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@
  !@!    !@!  @!@  !@!            !@!    !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@
  @!!    @!@!@!@!  @!!!:!         @!!    @!@  !@!  @!@!@!@!  @!@  !@!
  !!!    !!!@!!!!  !!!!!:         !!!    !@!  !!!  !!!@!!!!  !@!  !!!
  !!:    !!:  !!!  !!:            !!:    !!:  !!!  !!:  !!!  !!:  !!!
  :!:    :!:  !:!  :!:            :!:    :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!
   ::    ::   :::   :: ::::        ::    ::::: ::  ::   :::   :::: ::
   :      :   : :  : :: ::         :      : :  :    :   : :  :: :  :


@@@  @@@  @@@   @@@@@@   @@@@@@@   @@@@@@@   @@@   @@@@@@   @@@@@@@
@@@  @@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@  @@@@@@@@  @@@@@@@@
@@!  @@!  @@!  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@!  @@@  @@!  @@@
!@!  !@!  !@!  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@  !@!  !@!  @!@  !@!  @!@
@!!  !!@  @!@  @!@!@!@!  @!@!!@!   @!@!!@!   !!@  @!@  !@!  @!@!!@!
!@!  !!!  !@!  !!!@!!!!  !!@!@!    !!@!@!    !!!  !@!  !!!  !!@!@!
!!:  !!:  !!:  !!:  !!!  !!: :!!   !!: :!!   !!:  !!:  !!!  !!: :!!
:!:  :!:  :!:  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!  :!:  :!:  !:!  :!:  !:!
 :::: :: :::   ::   :::  ::   :::  ::   :::   ::  ::::: ::  ::   :::
  :: :  : :     :   : :   :   : :   :   : :  :     : :  :    :   : :


    Mild lab worker, Zeno Puss, turns savage,
               becoming a specialist in amphibious assault...

   ~~|~~|         ~~|~~        |  |  |  |            '
     |  |/~\ /~/    |/~\/~~|/~~|  |  |  |/~~||/~\|/~\|/~\|/~\
     |  |   |\/_    |\_/\__|\__|   \/ \/ \__||   |   |\_/|

You can *Rana* but you cannot hide from...

   ~~|~~|         ~~|~~        |  |  |  |            '
     |  |/~\ /~/    |/~\/~~|/~~|  |  |  |/~~||/~\|/~\|/~\|/~\
     |  |   |\/_    |\_/\__|\__|   \/ \/ \__||   |   |\_/|

                           "It's a BLASTula..."
                    Roger Egg-case, Taddlecreek Tattler

                       "...metamorphic in scope..."

                        Look for the soundtrack to

                             The Toad Warrior
                               With music by
                               Tina TAdpole

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From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
                           IN THE SWIM OF THINGS
It was a banner day in the world of sport as the woman who won gold for
Canada at the 1985 Winter Olympics in Synchronized Freestyle 4x100m
Individual Relay, set a new mark in the swimming world. Famed Fay Kloried
set the world on its ear by being the first to be succesfull in a tripple
crossing of the Ion Channel off the coast of Greece.
When asked to explain this stellar feat, Ms. Kloried simply replied, "I
stayed with the current and rode the gradient." Ms. Kloried stated that she
next planned to take on a double crossing of the Kalseum Channel, which has
only been accomplished by one other swimmer, Iona Fore.

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A women who married for the fourth time appeared to be a virgin. She
explained to her surprised new husband: "My first husband was a homosexual,
the second had a weak heart and died during the wedding night. The Third
was a gen therapeutist who kept telling me how good it would be if it would
work.

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From Aliquotes iv.v (journal)
Something tells me that no matter how good a series of experiments on
reproductive technologies, the paper written about the work will never be
described as seminal.

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From: callista#NoSpam.phidar.traveller.com
A trio of biologists were studying fruit flies and attempting to do micro-
scopic observations.  The first put his scalpel to work under the micro-
scope and began to slice.  He successfully chopped the wings off.

The second biologist began to work, and with a bit more effort managed to
slice off the head from the body.  Then the third one went to work, but
nothing visible happened.

His two colleagues looked at him in astonishment.  "What are you going to cut
off?" one of them asked.  His response was:

"You said to cut the fly, so this one won't be having children any more!"

biology
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From: Pam Baker <pambaker#NoSpam.umich.edu>
A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd
read the assigned text.  He asked Miss Smith to stand.  She does.

Professor:  Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times
when excited?

Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.

Proessor:  Miss Smith, please sit down.  Miss Jones, please stand and
tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when
excited.

Miss Jones:  Yes, Professor.  It's the pupil of the eye.

Professor:  Very good.  Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down.  Miss
Smith, will you please stand again.  (She does)  I have three things to
say to you.
    1.   You have not done your homework
    2.   You have a very dirty mind.
    3.   You're in for a big disappointment.

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From: sbaker#NoSpam.oro.net (Steve Baker)

Dear Dr. Science:
    In order for people to have babies, the female egg has to be fertilized
by the male sperm.  How does the sperm get to the egg?

"It hitchhikes.  There are small arteries (or highways if you will) in the
man's urethra.  Small foreign bodies (or cars, if you will) pull over and
pick up these little spermatozoans (Latin for 'tiny hitchhikers') then
drive over the speed limit as fast as possible before the natural acids in
a woman's body (the highway patrol, if you will) pull the sperm over
reckless driving. ONce they get to the ovum (Latin for garage) they get out
of the car, turn out the lights, lock up, take off their shoes and watch TV
until they fall asleep.  This is where babies come from: small suburban
ranch-style homes hidden deep in a woman's body.  I hope I've answered your
question.  Good luck on your date tonight."
Dr. Science --- http://www.drscience-com/ He knows more than you do!

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From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry#NoSpam.mut1.muscanet.com>
Several years ago, I read something along these lines on the back page
of Chemical and Engineering News, in the "Postscripts" column.

New embryological research on salamanders has shown that when the optic
nerve is connected to the anus at a very early stage of development, the
organism usually develops into an animal with hindsight. Some of the
animals show symptoms of tunnel vision.

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From: Suzanne Sarlette/Gerald Pearson <suegerry#NoSpam.mut1.muscanet.com>

The Hexagon (Alpha Chi Sigma newsletter) column "Hot Retorts" told of a
genetic engineering project going on at Texas A&M University.  The
principle investigators are working on developing a breed of cattle which
are only 6 inches [15 cm] tall.  If the project is successful, members of
the research project are hoping to make a fortune selling microchips.


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October 24
Xdat082:identify cell
From: Mark Noworolski <noworol#NoSpam.eecg.toronto.edu>
A friend of mine studying medicine once told me this story.

Apparently one day there was a lab where all the students were
learning how to identify various cells. As samples they were
using tissue scraped from the inside of the mouth.

One girl was having terrible difficulties figuring out what kind of cell
she was seeing under her microscope--eventually she called over the
teaching assistant to identify it.

He came over, smirked, and exclaimed, loud enough for everyone to hear,
"Oh wow! That's a sperm cell!"

She was somewhat more careful after that experience....

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From: Norbert.Kondla#NoSpam.gems3.gov.bc.ca (Kondla, Norbert FOR:EX)

Herewith a tongue-in-cheek lepidopterists' guide to useful field techniques
(sources are deliberately not credited to maintain our pseudo-reputation as
normal and sane people):

Alpine ambling - highly effective in a flowery alpine meadow on a sunny day;
proper etiquette for watchers and collectors
Arroyo rambling - use this to turn up S. pulverulenta
Blossum bumbling - ideal for A. halesus
Bog bouncing - pursuing Boloria eunomia in bogs; when collecting these in
alpine meadows then shift to alpine ambling
Boulder bounding - this technique is only recommended for young, foolhardy
types who desperately want Oeneis melissa or Boloria alberta
Boulder budging - effective for locating Lycaena cupreus hiding under the
rocks; also useful for wiping out your competing collectors lower on the
slope
Bug mugging - only socially acceptable on small plots of land in large,
crime ridden cities
Bush busting - not sure if this refers to breaking bushes while looking for
bugs or if it refers to breaking bones as a result of blindly leaping over a
low bush and doing a lip stand in a rock pile; reputed to be useful for
pursuing L. bachmanni
Bush whacking - this does not refer to a Mafioso killing a bush ! In western
Canada it is used to describe the odious chore of navigating through dense
woody vegetation. It also describes the technique of striking a bush with
your net handle to flush out the hairstreaks that like to do more walking
than flying
Cliff leaping - a not recommended technique used while chasing Boloria
astarte along cliff tops. The important thing is to not damage your net when
hitting the rocks at the bottom of the cliff.
Cloud forest clogging -never had the pleasure but it sounds like fun
Coulee crawling -bipedal motion often not effective in coulees
Creek creeping - useful adjunct to stream streaking; creep up on the silly
bugs as they puddle in damp areas of a dry stream bed
Cuesta cresting
Desert dawdling - too darn hot to move any faster
Ditch dawdling - drive slowly along road, when you see a butterfly in the
roadside ditch, come to a screeching halt, leap out with net in hand and
give chase; this also works at high speeds on paved highways but it is
recommended that you check your rear view mirror for following traffic.
Fen flitting - useful approach when the fen contains dry hummocks and you
forgot your rubber boots
Flark floundering - what happens when you foolishly try to traverse the
wettest parts of patterned fens
Glade lurking - most enjoyable when accompanied by a chair and a case of
cold beer
Glade sniffing - great for those who have been genetically modified to
detect the pheromones or butterfly armpits; I rely on the sound of the wings
Gulch grubbing - preferred approach to C. nessus
Hide and seek - hide from guerilla's while seeking lepidoptera
Hill hawking - more sedentary method of dealing with hilltoppers than the
strenuous act of ridge running
Hilltop hovering - ideal for a nectar source on a hilltop; pull up a chair
and enjoy - or you can simply levitate if you prefer
Jungle boogie - precipitated by afternoon mosquitoes
Jungle jogging - result of encounters with army ants and wasps
Limestone lounging - for use in alvars and limestone scree
Marsh marching
Mesa moseying - another approach for topographic highs that appropriately
bear the name of this landform
Milkweed milking - proper technique for harvesting Monarch caterpillars
Mountain meandering - stratified random sampling of a mountainside to ensure
all habitats are captured in the dataset
Pampas prancing - South American equivalent to prairie prancing and steppe
stepping
Permafrosting - the technique of jumping into an arctic tundra pond while
pursuing a choice bug, and then slipping on the permafrost bottom. The
tricky part is to net the butterfly just before your head goes under the ice
water, and then keep your net from getting wet.
Prairie prancing - only in North America you say ? a pity !
Puddle pulling - ideal collecting technique for us clever types who realize
that there are places where in fact the mountain will come to Mohammed
Ravine wrestling
Ridge roaming - ideal way to get around and see flutterbugs in the high
country
Ridge running - best for fit folks who like to jog
Roadside romping - by far the most cost efficient and effective method of
sampling butterflies; and besides, everyone knows that the most difficult
decision a biologist must make is: where to stop the truck !
Sage sanitizing - removing the Papilio caterpillars from Artemisia arctica
and Artemisia dracunculus
Scree scrambling - appropriate for novices
Scree skittering - a true art form by accomplished practioners
Scree sliding - fastest way down after a day in the alpine zone
Scrubland scrounging
Seep scooping - used by volume collectors
Seep sifting - used by discriminating collectors to pluck out the choice
morsels
Shale shuffling
Steppe stepping - Asian version of prairie prancing
Stream streaking - describes chases along dry stream beds but note that
clothing is optional :-)
String striding - highly recommended in patterned fens unless you enjoy
being up to your ??? in loon poop
Swamp squelching - unfortunately necessary for those of us who are not yet
able to walk on water
Talus traversing - best done on a large mammal trail unless you have been
conditioned to engage in sidehill gouging
Trail tottering - a proper pace for old folks like me
Trail traipsing - use only with lightweight footwear
Trail tramping - unavoidable with rock boots or equivalent footwear
Trail tripping - quite entertaining when you are not the one doing the
tripping
Tropic traipsing
Tundra trundling - a sensible pace that will keep you on your feet
Tussock tumbling - guaranteed consequence of trying to move quickly in
tussock tundra
Waddle & Scoop - patented technique invented by N. Kondla to sample
butterflies without excessive caloric expenditure
Wayside wandering - only way to get new butterfly records for distribution
mapping without killing yourself bushwhacking or dodging unfriendly private
landowners
Woodland waltzing - this may look like the dance of the demented but it is
only your normal, sane butterfly collector turning round and round after an
Oeneis macounii in a forest opening
Yucca yanking - the only civilized way to acquire M. coloradensis

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September 10
May 20
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Special Category: Stephen Jay Gould
Why did  chicken cross the road?
Stephen Jay Gould:
It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we
have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the
fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behaviour,
and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviours that figure
most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

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From: "David Paterson" <David.Paterson#NoSpam.dbce.csiro.au>
Actual quotes from scientists who got a bit too immersed in their subjects:
"Beauty is a Chorus of Scarlet-sided Pobblebonks"

from "Wildlife in the Brisbane Area". It's a type of frog.


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From: "David Paterson" <David.Paterson#NoSpam.dbce.csiro.au>
"But all that had changed in just a few hundred million years"
            used in describing the environment of the early Earth.

physics biology
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From: Ron Gerards (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes
Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it
will digest itself.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its mouth. Then
the froguses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's contents and then
swallows the stomach back down again.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity to
swallow.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building, it
has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off
the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to
realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat
of arms for that reason.

Certain frogs can be frozen solid, then thawed, and survive.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2-6 years of age.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produce
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not
over that pig thing!!!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
(Licking?)

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous
spider.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people do.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

One in ten pig is gay.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1
for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, It's like a human jumping
the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to
death.(Creepy!)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. (Honey, I'm
home..
what the...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

biology
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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.

biology
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From: slavins#NoSpam.hearsay.demon.co.uk#NoSpam.localhost (Simon Slavin)

I have a hunch that [] the unknown sequences of DNA [will decode into]
copyright notices and patent protections. -- Donald E. Knuth

biology
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From: Joris

A stranger has to pull his car aside the road because there are sheep
crossing the road. He gets out of his car bored and asks the sheppard: "If
I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?". The
Sheppard says yes because he thinks the stranger will never guess exactly
the right number. After a while the stranger says: "165 sheep". Surprised
the sheppard says: "Ok, pick one". The stranger chooses one of the animals
and when he gets into his car again, the sheppard says: "If I can guess
your profession, can I get my animal back then?". "OK," says the
stranger. "You're a theoretical biologist, and now give me my dog back..."

biology
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From: Joachim Verhagen.
Special Category: Famous last words
                             Famous last words

Microbiologist:  These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.

Field biologist: They never attack humans.

biology
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From: oracle-humor#NoSpam.lyris.oraclehumor.com (Oracle Service Humor Mailing List)

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

As we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree
centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a
very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the
natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature
during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only
available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg.  F)
will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees
C (98.6 deg. F).  For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes
approximately 37 calories as stated above.  The average dessert portion is
6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216
calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat
as the dessert's temperature is normalized.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss
is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the
faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted
glasses.  Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts
1,036 calories (6,216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature
normalizing process.  Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020
calories.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240
calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the
process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes
83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37
cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are
really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an
opposite effect.  But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already
reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and
follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and
ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

- 
In case you wonder, the food Calory (written with a capital C) is a kcal, a
thousand physical calories (with a lower case c).  In the EU it is now
mandatory to use joules on the food packages, but most of the time the
value in Calories is also added.  Maybe it sells more ice cream. - Joachim.

biology
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From: "C e r b e r u s - T h e - D o g - O f - H e l l" <xcerxbexrusx#NoSpam.xmyxstaxcy.cxo.uxk>

The medical student was shocked when he
received a failing grade in radiology.
Approaching the professor, he demanded
to know the reason for the grade.
 
"You know the self X-ray you took?"
asked the professor.
 
"I do." said the student.
 
"A fine picture," the professor said,
"of your lungs, stomach, and liver."
 
"If it's a fine picture, then why did
you give me an F?" asked the student
 
"I had no choice," said the professor.
"You didn't put your heart in it."

biology
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From : tomas_thefox2003#NoSpam.yahoo.ie (Tomŗ•ás Fuchsbauer)

Translated from a postcard in Germany depicting a lady in the laboratory
looking through a microscope at her slide sample (The swearing at the end
was not included on it) :
"I donít believe it ! Thatís my husband together with another woman !!?
F@&*ing B@#+@=D"

biology
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From : tomas_thefox2003#NoSpam.yahoo.ie (Tomŗ•ás Fuchsbauer)

My recollection of where I first came across a version of this is not
entirely precise, as it was several years ago. The corrollary is my
personal addition :

First rule of environmental protection : A species will only be declared
'protectedí once it has become (nearly) hopelessly depleted.

Corrollary : An extinct species will be placed on the 'endangered listí
after the event has occurred.


biology
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From: Ron Gerards (On the Science Jokes mailing list:
http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes

Yet more from "The Best Howlers" by Cecil Hunt:

A ruminating animal is one tat chews its cubs.

Germs are sort of small insecks [sic] that swim in you if they can 
get in.

Moths eat least of all because they eat holes.

Blood consists of red corkscrews and white corkscrews.

The best food for babies is oxygen, hydrogen and a little carbon.

The bloodvessels are veins, arteries and artilleries.

A skeleton is a man with his inside out and his outside off.

biology
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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: "Bruce W." <brucewolfe#NoSpam.erols.com>

                 How To Be A Politically Correct Biologist
by Roger Lewin (in The American Biology Teacher)

Here is some of the stuff you need to know to survive as a biologist in the
be-sensitive-or-else 90s.

                Attitudes About the Organisms That We Study

Nonhuman Animal Speciesism
A prominent animal-rights activist has defined a "speciesist" as one who
"allows the interests of his/her species to override the greater interests
of members of other species." According to this definition, a human eating a
fish is a speciesist. However, if this definition is true, then nonhuman
animals should be held to the same standard. Thus, a bear eating a fish
would also be a speciesist, as would a bear eating an animal rights
activist.


Kingdomism
Kingdomism is the oppressive discrimination by animals against minerals and
plants. Corn and string beans are helpless victims of kingdomism. Astute
teachers of geology will note that "pet rock" is an oppressive, kingdomistic
term that should be replaced by the more sensitive phrase "mineral
companion." The term "botanical companion" is what you should call your
favorite plant, flower or corsage.


Fortuitarianism
This is the politically correct behavior that results from humans having no
"right" to interfere in natural cycles. Consequently, humans should eat only
plants parts that have become separated from their parent plant by natural
events (e.g. wind), and meat from animals that have died accidentally (e.g.
opossums that have been flattened by cars). If you're insensitive enough to
eat meat, be sure that it's road kill.


Honey, Milk, Eggs, Wool
These are products stolen from nonhuman animals by human animals. To
enforcers of political correctness, these thefts are unconscionable
violations of the rights of nonhuman animals. Politically correct biologists
know that the four major food groups are stolen animal products,
fortuitarian comestibles, victims of speciesist slaughter, and brutally
betrayed botanical companions.


Dead
This term should be replaced immediately by the more sensitive term
"metabolically challenged." Refer to living organisms as being "temporarily
metabolically abled."

Fish
I never realized how offensive I was when I referred to the guppies in my
classroom aquarium as "fish." The only politically correct way to refer to
these nonhuman animal companions is as "ichthyo-Americans." Referring to my
guppies as ichthyo-Americans has greatly improved their self-esteem.

                      How We Were Trained & Got Jobs
Credentialism
You were probably hired because your school practices credentialism, a
plague on society in which people discriminate against others by forcing
them to provide evidence of experience, knowledge, integrity or ability
before being hired, admitted to a college, etc. To hire qualified people
instead of unqualified people is unacceptable. After all, no one is really
unqualified; instead they are "uniquely qualified."


Biology Departments
If you got a degree (i.e. a credential) from a biology department, you've
helped perpetuate the oppressive, credentialistic culture that underlies our
educational system. According to the Berkeley Rhetoric Department, biology
departments are nothing more than places "where animals are tortured and
then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientists
lackeys of imperialistic drug companies." Perhaps you did not know this.


Educational Testing
Politically correct teachers call these tests "needs assessments."
Pathetically insensitive people like me have not yet learned that the word
"test" is terribly offensive because it puts the responsibility for learning
on students rather than on society.

                               Our Students
Failing grades
Never tell students that they have failed. Rather, declare that students who
learn nothing in your class "have successfully achieved a deficiency." It is
also acceptable to refer to them as "knowledge-based nonprocessors."


Cheaters and Liars
Students who lie, plagiarize, and copy the work of other students are not
liars, plagiarists or cheaters. rather, they are "morally challenged" or
better yet, "ethically disoriented."


Lazy
To be a sensitive biology teacher if the 90s, refer to lazy students as
"persons of torpor" or say that they are "motivationally deficient." The
term "lazy" is offensive because it blames students for a condition that
should be attributed to the failures of --yes, you guessed it -- society.
Politically correct teachers know that no student should be held accountable
for his/her own actions; society is the mantra on which we can blame
everything that's negative. However, society has nothing to do with anything
positive that our student do or achieve; all the credit for those things go
to us.


Emphasize Good Writing
Effective biology teachers often use biology as a means of teaching
important skills such as effective writing. According to Tom Fox, director
of a writing program at California State University at Chico, the qualities
of good writing are that it "be relentlessly plural, interrogate political
inequities, and oppose homophobia." Be sure to tell that to students before
asking them to write an essay about mitosis, photosynthesis or digestion.

If you can overcome your irrational bouts with common sense, your use of
this information will help make you a politically correct biologist.

biology
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Januari 5
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
George Washington Carver: To plant peanuts.

biology
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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

biology
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July 22
Januari 6
Special Category: Gregor Mendel
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Gregor Mendel:  
(1) To get various strains of roads.
(2) It was dominant.

biology
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Februari 28
August 19
April 4
Special Category: Linus Pauling
Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Linus Pauling:  To get some Vitamin C.

biology
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak

Two elderly gentlemen were visiting. "I guess you're never too old," the
first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be
interested in dating me. But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite
understand it." "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that
nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."
"No, I don't think it's that." "Well, maybe you remind her of her father."
"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something
about carbon 14." (William Brabant)

biology
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Special Category: Definitions and terms
Botany is the science in which plants are known by their aliases.



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