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mathematics physics chemistry engineering
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jwest#NoSpam.jwest.ecen.okstate.edu: A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his redrubberball table. If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going to work. From: "Ron Gerard" <ron#NoSpam.gerard.as> We chemists, who test by destroying a small sample, would weigh the ball, snip out a 1mm cube and weigh this  thus getting an accurate volume.
mathematics physics engineering
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So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. "Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deerhunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good. "Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." "What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!" (*) How they knew it was a deer: The physicist observed that it behaved in a deerlike manner, so it must be a deer. The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem. The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
mathematics physics
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A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
mathematics engineering
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From: LJGOLD01#NoSpam.ulkyvm.louisville.edu A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person. He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer, or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the applicants were male. The businessman devised a test. The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall, lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said, "You may only go half the distance at a time. When you reach the end, you may kiss our model." The mathematician explained how he would never get there in a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself. Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful woman and kissed her. Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch. "What was that about?" she cried. "Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't solve the problem, I change it!"
physics engineering computer science
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From: pascual#NoSpam.tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez) Three men, a physicist, a engineer and a computer scientist, are travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops. The three atonished men try to solve the problem:  Physicist says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque. It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of the main axis.  Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.  Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute, and then get in and try again?
engineering computer science
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From: Dave Murray <u01dagm#NoSpam.abdn.ac.uk> There are comp sci student, an engineering student and a meterology student going through the desert in a jeep. Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what happened.. The Eng student pipes up, " must be the fan belt thats broken..the engine has overheated...so we'll just have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine." The meterology replies, "naw, it's not that...its just the ambient heat in this place. It's not allowing the engine to breath correctly...we just have to wait till night time.." The comp sci student thinks about this for a minute then says, "yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea....What say we all get out..then get back in again?"
mathematics engineering computer science
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An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire fixes itself.
mathematics biology computer science
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A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photosafari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars. The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!" The statistician: "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra" The mathematician: "Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side" The computer scientist: "Oh no! A special case!"
mathematics physics computer science
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A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!" "Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed the same field full of sheep. "Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes. "Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes. "But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted. "Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!"
mathematics physics engineering
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A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last question is asked: "How much is one plus one?" Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer. The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but I think it converges". The physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one" The engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much do you want it to be?".
mathematics
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A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress. The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health. The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife  you can do some mathematics.
mathematics physics biology
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A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house. The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.". The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced". The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
mathematics engineering
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There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills. He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said "Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, because he could solve each problem individually. The second man moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a previously solved problem.
engineering
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
mathematics physics engineering
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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"
mathematics physics engineering
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One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I declare myself to be on the outside.'
chemistry engineering
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Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were. The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog was named TSquare, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat. The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem. The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their dog's were equally smart. Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do? The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said, "Show the fellows what you can do". Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
mathematics physics
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A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room. They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail, each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed, and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following description: Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.
mathematics engineering
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To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen floor and tell your subjects to boil some water. The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing. Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on. The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has already been solved!
mathematics physics engineering
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A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist. The topic concerns KulzaKlein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" M: "I just visualize the process." E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in 9dimensional space?" M: "Easy, first visualize it in Ndimensional space, then let N go to 9."
mathematics physics engineering
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When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
mathematics physics engineering
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From: "Frank Kosanke" <digger#NoSpam.htb.de> (Blame translation from German on Joachim) A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician make their first parachute jump. Before the jump the instructor explains exactly what they must do: Jump out of the plane, count until three and pull the line. The physicist jumps. For him counting till three is too unexact and too primitive. Instead, he calculates out of his height, angle and velocity the exact moment he should pull the line for a soft landing and arrives optimally. The engineer is a practical man and thinks calling to three is too unreliable and therefore dangerous... He jumps and pulls the line immediately. He takes a bit longer than the physicist but he lands safely. Both see jump the mathematician jump out of the plane. He falls ... and falls ... and falls ... No parachute opens and finally he falls on the ground. Fortunately, he lands in a haystack. The physicist and engineer walk alarmed to the haystack and while they dig him out they hear him say: "From this follows from complete induction: 3"
mathematics physics chemistry biology
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The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the dairy industry. So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk production improvement of 2% over the original. They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they got a 5% improvement in milk output. The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. The plans began: "A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: Consider a spherical cow......"
mathematics physics chemistry engineering biology
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An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the following question: "What is 2 * 2 ?" The chemist says immediately circa 10 to the power 1. The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell you, an answer exists!". Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA supercomputer and gives the answer. From: Tony Quinn <tonyquin#NoSpam.sixpints.demon.co.uk> Stress engineer: Well I know it's 4, but let's call it 50 anyway....... From: Detlef_Wendt#NoSpam.SU2.maus.de (Detlef Wendt) (blame JV for translation) The psychologist: Why do you wish to know that? The sociologist: I don't know, but is was nice talking about it. From: bhunt <bhunt#NoSpam.DEPAUW.EDU> Behavioral Ecologist: A polygamous mating system. XXS4ALLTo: <sciencejokes#NoSpam.xs4all.nl> From: Carsten Knop <Carsten.Knop#NoSpam.inis.de> Medical Student : 4 All others looking astonished : How did you know ?? Medical Student : I memorized it.
mathematics engineering
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From: pclarke#NoSpam.waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke) An Engineer, Statistician and Economist were asked "what does 2 + 2 equal?" They answered as follows: Engineer: With a safety factor of 2x, 2 + 2 = 8 Statistician: With a degree of freedom of 1, 2 + 2 = anywhere from 1 to 7, but I can't be sure. Economist: What would you like it to equal?
mathematics physics
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From: MARTIN.VIETOR#NoSpam.HEIDEBOX.HEIDE.DE (Translation to blame on Joachim) A mathematician, a physicist and a doctor were posed the questin 2*2. The physicist takes a notebook and starts scribbling. After 3 days of the most complex calculations he finds with use of the Earth radius, the gravitation constant : "Somewhere between pi and 2 times the square root of 3." The mathematican comes back after a week with dark rings under his eyes and proclaims: "Colleges, their is a solution." The doctor says simple :"4" The others answer: "Oh well you memorized it."
mathematics physics computer science
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From: "Frank Kosanke" <digger#NoSpam.htb.de> (Blame Joachim for translation from German) And yet another variation: A Physicist, a computer scientist and a mathematician must calculate what is 2 + 2. The physicist constructs out of slopes and balls etcetera a complicated measuring system and finds 3.99998 as solution. "Measuring errors are possible, of course" The computer scientist writes a 24 page Pascal Program, that spits out 4.000001 as solutions. "Going from a binary to a decimal system and back can cause inaccuracies." The mathematician buries himself in his books and writes complicates expressions on thousands pieces of papers. Then he proofs that there is only one solution, and it is calculable.
mathematics physics
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From: carrt#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com (Tim Carr) Three people answered an add for a an open job  an engineer, a physicist and a statistician. When the engineer went in, he was asked: Q: "What is two plus two?" A: "Four." When the physisict went in, he was asked the same question: Q: "What is two plus two?" A: "Four." The statistician went in next. When the question was posed to him, he looked around furtively, shut the door and drew the blinds closed. His response: "What do you want it to be?"
mathematics physics engineering
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The Board of Trustees, not convinced by the performance in a previous joke, decides to test the Profs. again. First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, the give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.
physics engineering
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From: "F. Ted Tschang" <ft0d+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu> An economist, an engineer, and a physicist are marooned on a deserted island. One day they find a can of food washed up on the beach and contrive to open it. The engineer said: "let's hammer the can open between these rocks". The physicist said: "that's pretty crude. We can just use the force of gravity by dropping a rock on the can from that tall tree over there". The economist is somewhat disgusted at these deliberations, and says: "I've got a much more elegant solution. All we have to do is assume a canopener."
engineering
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In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens  he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention  so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
mathematics physics engineering
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An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." "...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his wellfattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret. "Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."
mathematics physics biology
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A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions... first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere..."
mathematics physics engineering
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A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problemsolving techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician. The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot. Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the pail on the ground. The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot, filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have solved the problem." The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly. Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he had proven that a solution exists. Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail that was already halffilled with water. The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground, emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he commented that the problem should have been better stated. The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He then took his halffilled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had an exact solution, which of course he had found. The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has been reduced to one already solved."
computer science
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A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
mathematics physics engineering biology
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From: mstueben#NoSpam.pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) The biologist says "I study the principles of life." The psychologist says "You are controlled by the principles of life." The businessman says "My business can use its force to control the economy." The economist says "The forces of the economy will control your business." The engineer says: "My equations are a model of the universe." The physicist says: "The universe is a model of my equations." The mathematician says: "I don't care."
physics chemistry engineering
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From: chemistrwb#NoSpam.aol.com (ChemistRWB) A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied by a guide. The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness. Inside the cabin was a woodburning stove, but it was set up on bricks about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin. The three scientists speculated about the function of the high placement of the stove. The chemist said, "Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the semiadiabatic system." The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved." The engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do much camping. The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put it under the stove to dry." The guide soon returned and all three scientists were eager to find out who was right. The guide replied, "Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney pipe fell off the boat, so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the ceiling." PS: If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than 99% of native Americans.
mathematics physics engineering
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From: grayd#NoSpam.is.dal.ca (James D. Gray) An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was. All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with the sidewalk. The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad, measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of the building. These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to find the height of the building he replied: "Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
mathematics physics
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From: arkoff#NoSpam.sun.lclark.edu (Gary Arkoff) A math student and a physics student are camping. The physics students takes his turn to do the cooking first. He makes a tasty stew, but in so doing, uses up all the water. The next day, it is the math student's turn to do the cooking. The physics student watches him go to the creek to fetch the water. He puts the water into the pot and then stops and goes off to do something else. Puzzled, the physics student asks the math student when he is going to finish making dinner. The math student tells him that there is nothing left to do as now it has been reduced to a problem which has already been solved.
mathematics physics engineering
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From: spencer#NoSpam.cwis.unomaha.edu (Tom Spencer) A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all umpiring a softball game. The batter hit a fly ball to the outfield that was not caught. All the runners who were on base scored easily and the batter tried to turn it into an inside the park home run. It became clear that there would be a close play at the plate and all three umpires rushed into position to make the call. They all called the batter out. The captain of the batting team went out to argue and demanded "Why is he out?" The engineer said "He looked out to me, so he's out." The physicist said "I watched very carefully, and I saw that, at the moment that the batter was tagged, he had not touched home plate; so he's out." The mathematician said "He's out because I called him out."
mathematics engineering
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From: agdoll#NoSpam.wimsey.com (Alex Doll) Ask a surveyor, a statistician, and an engineer to measure a 4 cm piece of string: Surveyor gets out his tripod, gets an assistant to hold the rod, then compensates for temperature and declares that the string is 4.000 cm long. Statstician takes a ruler marked in metres and makes (n^1)/(11/n)! measurements before declaring that the string is between 1 cm and 10 cm 90 percent of the time Engineer takes out a pair of scissors and asks "How long do you want it to be?"
mathematics physics engineering
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From: j.p.openshaw#NoSpam.swansea.ac.uk (John Openshaw) A Mathematician, Physicist and an Engineer all have to nip to the loo. The M has a leak, and then sprinkles a few drops of water on his hands, turns to the attendant and says 'Mathematicians learn to be concise'. The P has a turn, spends 5 minutes scrubbing his hands, then turns to the attendant and says 'Physicists learn to be thorough'. The engineer has a wee, doesn't bother washing his hands, turns to the attendant and say 'Engineers learn not to pee all over their hands'.
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From: Alexis MonnerotDumaine <alexis.monnerotdumaine#NoSpam.bnpgroup.com> A mathematician, a physician and an engineer are on vacation in Paris at their friend's JeanPierre.  How high exactly is that Eiffel Tower? asks the mathematician  I've got an idea, replied JeanPierre. How about guessing it, and the winner wins a good dinner in a good restaurant?, what do you think?  All right, says the physician,...but let's leave us some time and meet tomorrow at 10 a.m., Ok?  Ok. As the mathematician and the physician stay to think on the problem, the engineer leaves: " Sorry, I've got a date, see you tomorrow ". The next morning, the friends meet at the bottom of the Eiffel Tower.  So, what's your estimation ? asked JeanPierre.  Well, says the mathematician, I measured the length of the shadow of the tower and, according to the position of the sun, date and time GMT, a simple trigonometric calculation gave me 320,68 metres.  Not a bad idea, replied JeanPierre, but not quite the right answer. What about you?  Well, says the physician, I climbed the stairs up to the top of the tower, then I started a chronograph and dropped it immediately. As it hit the ground, it broke, indicating the duration of the fall. Considering the Newton equations and the viscosity of the air, my calculations gave me 321,9 metres.  That's a bit better, but not the right answer, says JeanPierre. But, where is our engineer? The engineer arrives:  Sorry, I'm late, but, woahoo, what a night I had! .  So, what about our little bet ? asked the physician.  Our bet? What bet? Oh yes, the Eiffel Tower! I forgot...err...just wait here a moment. He turns back and comes again 2 minutes later:  The Eiffel Tower is 321,50 metres high.  That's absolutely right, says JeanPierre, you won the bet! The mathematician and the physician are puzzled:  How did you do it? And the engineer replies:  Oh...well...quite simple, in fact... I just went to that caf़ over there...and asked the waiter... .
engineering computer science
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From: Russell Turner <turnerr#NoSpam.actrix.gen.nz> Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?" One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The engineer replied, "Using a fourbit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll show you a working prototype." The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such shortsighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years." "With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes." "The ham and cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs." "Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an objectoriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too." "We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the product unless it has a userfriendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message 'Booting UNIX v.8.3' appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook." "Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80386 with 8MB of memory, a 30MB hard disk, and a VGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a builtin GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardwarefirst design strategy to lock us into a fourbit microcontroller!)." The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived happily ever after.
mathematics physics engineering
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From: Rich Griffiths <richg#NoSpam.cybercomm.net> A mathematician and a physicist are trying to measure the height of a flag pole using a long tape measure. The mathematician takes the tape measure, walks up to the flag pole, and begins to shinny up the pole. A short way up, he slips and falls down. The physicist notices a ladder lying nearby in the bushes. He leans the ladder against the pole, but it reaches only half way up. He climbs the ladder and tries to shinny up from there, but he also slips and falls. While they sit near the pole scratching their heads, an engineer walks by, so the mathematician and the physicist tell him their problem. The engineer notices a crank at the base of the flag pole. He turns the crank, and the flag pole tilts over until it lies on the ground. The engineer stretches out the tape measure, cranks the pole back up, and tells the mathematician and the physicist: 'It is 15 meters.' As the engineer walks off into the distance, the mathematician looks at the physicist and says: 'Isn't that just like an engineer? You ask him for the height, and he gives you the length.' BUT SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THE STORY GOES LIKE THIS: A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
mathematics physics engineering
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From: Henry Cate's Life collection A mathematician, scientist, and engineer are each asked: "Suppose we define a horse's tail to be a leg. How many legs does a horse have?" The mathematician answers "5"; the scientist "1"; and the engineer says "But you can't do that!"
mathematics physics engineering
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From: Henry Cate's Life collection 3.F There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is a physicist, and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out. The physicist says "He's out because I calls 'em as I sees 'em". The engineer says "He's out because I calls 'em as they are". And the mathematician says "He's out because I called him out".
physics engineering
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From: oldbear#NoSpam.arctos.com (The Old Bear) In an effort to determine the department which produces the most intelligent graduates, a university president threw down a challenge to the deans of the schools of science, engineering, and business. He asked each to send him their brightest student from the current graduating class to compete in solving a simple problem. The next day, three students showed up at the university president's office. He explained the problem as follows: "I want you to determine the height of the university's newest residence tower. I am giving each of you only three tools to work with: a stop watch, a ruler and a ball of string. You are each to devise your own solution to the problem and report back here by the end of the day. Whoever has the most accurate answer wins." The three students set off to the new residence tower. The science manor went immediately to the roof of the building and dropped the ruler over the side, carefully timing its descent with the stop watch. Factoring in the aerodynamic properties of the ruler, the science major calculated the height of the building within six inches. Next the engineering major, still panting from running up all the stairs to the roof, took his turn. He tied the stop watch onto the end of the ball of string and gently lowered it until it just touched the ground. Reeling the string back up, he measured it carefully with the ruler, making adjustments for its elasticity under the weight of the stop watch, and calculated the height of the building within two inches. At that point, the science major turns to the engineering major and asks, "What happened to the kid from the business school? I thought he was right behind us." They head back down to the building lobby and there, sitting comfortably in an upholstered chair, is the business major. "So, what are you going to do?" asks the science major. "Oh, I'm done," says the business major, unfolding a piece of paper on which is written the height of the building expressed to the last oneeighth inch. "How did you do that?" asks the engineering major. "Simple," replies the student from the business school. "While you guys were screwing around up on the roof, I went down to the basement and found the building superintendant. I told him I'd give him a nice stop watch if he'd let me look through the architectural plans for the building." There were a number of these kind of stories (which are somewhat similar in stucture to the many "There was a priest, a minister and a rabbi..." anecdotes).
mathematics engineering
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From: The Ghost In The Machine <ewill#NoSpam.sirius.athghost7038suus.net> A mathematician, engineer, and average Joe walk into a bar. The mathematician immediately orders a pie. The engineer immediately orders an 'e', since it's Euler's number, after all, and many engineers have to oil things. The average Joe doesn't exist, being a statistical anomaly.
mathematics engineering computer science
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March 14 What is "pi"? Mathematician: Pi is the ratio of circumference of a circle to its diameter. Engineer: Pi is about 22/7. Computer Programmer: Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision. Nutritionist: You one track mathminded fellows, Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!
mathematics physics engineering
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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle. "Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked. "Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer." "Yes  so what?" "Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle  how does it *know*?"
mathematics physics engineering
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An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
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