3. CHEMISTRY

Subsections

3.1 CHEMISTRY POETRY

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chemistry
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From: Uncle Al <UncleAl0#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
                      THE CHEMIST'S SONG

Sung to the tune of Monty Python's "I'm a Lumberjack and I'm Okay."

        CHEMIST                            CHORUS

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep al night and I work all day.     He sleeps all night and he works
                                                                 all day.
I clean my flasks, I read my JACS,       He cleans his flasks, he reads
                                                                 his JACS,
I do reactions well.                     He does reactions well.
Someday I'll be unlucky                  Some day we'll all be lucky
And blow my self to Hell.                And watch him blown to Hell.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I prowl the library all day.             He prowls the library all day.
The articles that I could use            The articles that he could use
Are gone when they're in need.           Are gone when they're in need.
If I were a bookbinder,                  If he were a bookbinder,
I'd have them all to read!               He'd have to learn to read.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I like my work, I like my profs,         He hates his work, he hates his
                                                                     profs,
I go to seminars.                        He sleeps through seminars.
When I do any research                   The Boss can take his research
I just wind up with tars.                And shove it up his arse.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I work all day.     He works all night and he works
                                                                  all day.
I rotovap, distill it off,               He rotovaps, distills it off,
Do chromatography.                       Does chromatography.
I think that by tomorrow                 We think that by tomorrow
I'll have some THC.                      He'll have some LSD.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                           sleeps all day.
I do my work, I teach a class,           He does his work, he teaches class,
I earn another buck.                     He earns another buck.
There's one girl in my section           There's one girl in his section
I'd surely like to fail.                 He's never gonna fail.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.    He sleeps all night and he
                                                             works all day.
I used up all the ethanol,               He used up all the ethanol,
I don't know where it went.              He don't know where it went.
Now I can't work for six weeks,          Now he can't work for six weeks,
The stockroom's closed for Lent.         He's drying out in Trent.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I work all night and I sleep all day.    He works all night and he
                                                            sleeps all day.
I make bad smells, I produce tar,        He makes bad smells, produces tar,
I spend the bosses grant.                And spends the boss's grant.
I tell him I'll make progress            He tells him he'll make progress
And work so hard I'll pant.              Although he really can't.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I sleep all night and I sleep all day.   He sleeps all night and he
                                                             sleeps al day.
I work with nasty chemicals,             He works with nasty  chemicals
They really make a stink.                That really make a stink.
I use the waste containers               To clear a room is easy,
And never use the sink.                  He pours them down a sink.

I'm in chemistry and I'm okay,           He's in chemistry and he's okay,
I phone all night and I phone all day.   He phones all night and he
                                                           phones all day.
I buy up stocks, invest in bonds,        He buys up stocks, invests in
                                                                    bonds,
And sell commodities.                    And sells commodities.
And when the Market's slumping,          And when the Market's slumping,
I live in poverty!                       He does his chemistry!

chemistry
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March 31
August 19
March 12
October 17
From: nelson#NoSpam.cs.rochester.edu

For non cesiophiles, cesium is the most electropositive element known,
and as such has merited its own newsgroup news:alt.cesium. It has a number
of unique properties:

  o   It explodes violently on contact with water.

  o   It burns with a brilliant blue flame - the name cesium derives
      from the sky-blue lines in its spectrum.

  o   It's hydroxide (what is left after it is finished exploding with
      water) is the most powerful base known, and will eat through
      glass.

  o   It is used as the central component of cesium-beam clocks, the
      most accurate time pieces in existence.

  o   When consumed over a period of time, it produces a characteristic
      mania.

The following songs were posted to news:alt.cesium over a period of several
weeks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
                            SONGS OF CESIUM
                      Translations from the Cesish


Translator's note:

The ancient manuscripts from which these songs are derived are
fragmentary, and consequently the accuracy of the following
translations must be taken with a grain of Cesium Chloride.  In places,
the translator has filled in gaps to the best of his ability using
available knowledge about the culture and traditions of ancient Cesia
much of which, is itself controversial.  Legitimate questions may
certainly be raised, see for example, the comments on #117.  To aid in
perspective, the songs are presented in the order in which they were
translated, rather than numerical order, as the translator learned much
during the process of translation.  The effort is an ongoing process,
as the collection of available fragments is vast; and new translations
may be added to this catalogue periodically.  For now, Enjoy, Sing, and
Hail Cesium!!!  RN

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.

Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.

---Songs of Cesium #34

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Wish I had a Pound

Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.
I would take it in the shower,
And I'd glory in its power.
Oh I wish I had a pound of cesium.

---Songs of Cesium #111

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium

Cesium, 'tis of thee,
Thy 'positivity,
Of thee I sing.
Thou whose hydroxide, dis-
solved my wife when she died,
Glorious too, for suicide,
Here, death, is thy sting.

---Songs of Cesium #65

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium the Beautiful

Oh beautiful for blue of skies,
Among thy spectral lines.
When cast upon the waters clear,
Thy splendid fire shines.
Oh Cesium,
Oh Cesium,
Our days we trust to thee.
Thy faultless rhyme,
In keeping time,
From care doth set us free.

---Songs of Cesium #68

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium (Burning in the Dead of Night)
(Tune, Blackbird)

Cesium burning in the dead of night.
Take your sky blue lines and start to shine.
All my life,
I was only waiting for the moment you were mine.

Cesium burning on a lake of ice.
Lift your glorious flame up to the skies.
All your life,
You were only waiting for some water to arise.

Cesium burn.
Cesium burn.
Give your light to this coal black night.

--- Songs of Cesium #133

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Don't We Mix Up the Two

(Tune, "Why don't we get drunk..."
with apologies to Jimmy Buffett)

I've got a pound of Cesium,
It's burning gently near.
The sky-blue flame looks lovely,
But it's noise I want to hear.
So darlin' bring some water,
A couple pints'll do.
And why don't we mix up the two?

Why don't we mix up the two?
'Cause Cesium and water,
Really make a wicked brew.
You say I've got a death wish,
But honey, I'm just blue.
So why don't we mix up the two?

---Songs of Cesium #29

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday

Yesterday.
I had Cesium with which to play
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
By cesium, since yesterday.

Yesterday.
Her sky blue flame appeared to light my way.
Now the world seems so cold and gray.
My eyes are dim since yesterday.

Why she had to blow,
I don't know,
They wouldn't say.
I used water wrong,
And my skin dissolved away.

Yesterday.
Her path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know that there's a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.

---Songs of Cesium #117

Soon after the publication of the above translation
A mysterious monkey paid a call and pointedly insisted
that the translation of SOC #117 (Yesterday) from the Cesish was seriously
flawed, particularly in the second stanza, and offered a corrected
version, which I supply without further comment.
RN

Yesterday

Yesterday,
I had Cesium with which to play.
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
And silence reigns since yesterday.

Suddenly,
I'm just half the man I used to be.
I have no eyes with which to see.
My legs have parted company.

Why she had to blow,
I don't know,
I can only say.
Something went awful wrong,
In the waterbed where we lay.

Yesterday,
Her sky blue path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know there is a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.

---Songs of Cesium #117(b)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Lectropositive Mama
(tune, Lady Madonna)

'Letropositive mama,
Cesium on your meat,
Wonder how you manage,
To stay on your feet.

How d'ya stand the smokin'?
How d'ya 'bide the flame?
Do you think that life's just
A burnin' game.

Monday night your hunger's a blue fire,
Tuesday morn' you're cookin' 'fore the sun.
Wednesday rain, you're only flamin' higher,
Having your fun.

'Lectropositive mama,
Cinders in your curls,
No way can compare you,
To ordinary girls.

Likin' the explosions,
Rock you on your seat.
How can any woman handle
All that heat?

---Songs of Cesium #47

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's So Easy
(Tune, It's so Easy)

It's with Cesium I'm in love!
It's with Cesium I'm in love!

People say that I'm a fool,
When I take my Cesium into the pool.
And it's so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yes it's so easy,
Where my love's concerned,
To get myself burned.
But it's with Cesium I'm in love,
It's with Cesium I'm in love!

I look into her flame and see,
A sky-blue light floodin' over me.
Though it's so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yeah it's so easy,
When she's concerned,
To get myself burned.
Still it's with Cesium I'm in love,
It's with Cesium I'm in love!

---Songs of Cesium #87

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)

(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much I'd dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat that's hard to bear.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin' brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.

(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.

I need my Cesium!
Burnin' hotly.
Cesium shinin' so bright.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.

(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give 'em that glow.
Cesium --
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!

(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!

They needed Cesium!
Flamin' madly.
Cesium burnin' so blue.
Cesium --
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.

(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesium's the stuff to heat you up,
And you ain't gonna find no shade!

You'll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium --
It's almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!

--- Songs of Cesium #96

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium Glows
(Tune, Love's a Rose - Neil Young)

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when it's on the tongue.
Lips full of holes, you'll know you've kissed it,
Just take a bite if you want to die young.

I want to see what's never been seen,
I want to dream that Cesium dream.
Come on love, we can glow together,
Let's eat it all right now.
Take a bite right now.

I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
Six feet deep, and twelve feet 'round.
Sky blue light around me shinin',
Pale blue worms upon me dinin'.

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
It's fire grows when its on your tongue.
Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
Gimme a spoon 'cause I wanna die Young.

---Songs of Cesium #109

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium's Burning
(a round, tune Scotland's Burning)

Cesium's burning, Cesium's burning.
Look out!  Look out!
Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!
Pour on water, pour on water.
Oh shit! Oh shit!

(repeat)

---Songs of Cesium #81

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons...

Hold it!  Hold it!. That's Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Let's go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway...

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesium's bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
'Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

--- Songs of Cesium #76

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cesium's Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)

Cesium's strange,
when you're a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.

Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
Don't you remember the pain?
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---

Cesium's strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!

Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You'll always remember the pain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---

--- Songs of Cesium #13

chemistry
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From: rchin#NoSpam.resident.kenso.unsw.edu.au
To the tune of Losing My Religion by REM

That's me in the acid
That's me in the test tube
Losing my electrons
Trying to keep my ions true
But I don't know if I can do it
Oh no this work's too tough
I didn't study enough
I thought that I saw it bubbling
I thought that i saw it burn
I think I thought I heard it pop

(By Allison Healy and Melissa Shong)

chemistry
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Elements
from Frey Scientific catalog

You Pb me to believe he's dead;
I Zn he won't survive.
Ba in the ground, you fool,
Do you Zn he's still alive?

chemistry
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November 25
From: Colin Murtagh <C_Murtagh#NoSpam.compuserve.com>
Johnny saw some dynamite
Couldn't understand it quite
But curiosity never pays
It rained Johnny for seven days.

chemistry biology
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Januari 12
May 2
From: adamb#NoSpam.bgumail.bgu.ac.il (Adam Bernard)

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane

[paraDichloroDiphenylTrichloroethane is the the full name for DDT]

chemistry
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David Smillie:
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

chemistry
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From: Mail#NoSpam.scri.sari.ac.uk
Poor old Brown is dead and gone
His face you'll
see no more
For what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4.

chemistry
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From: Mario Zlatovic <mario#NoSpam.eunet.yu>
Little Lucy in the lab
Lies dead on the floor
'Cause what she taught was H2O
Was realy H2SO4.

chemistry
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From: "Jason Hill" <jhill#NoSpam.actionwebservices.com>
Here lies Harry,
Harry lives no more,
What Harry thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

chemistry
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The bells in town are ringing
for Bill who is no more.
Instead of drinking H2O
drank H2SO4.

chemistry
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From: Richard Laysell <richard#NoSpam.laysell.demon.co.uk>
Johnny, finding life a bore,
Drank some H2SO4.
Johnny's father, an MD
Gave him CaCO3.
Now he's neutralised it's true,
But he's full of CO2.

chemistry
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December 25
From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor From:
grandish#NoSpam.kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish)
December 25
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes

       CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS CAROLS

1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs
4. Deck The Labs
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry (2x)
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
7. O Little Melting Particle
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
9. Chemistry Wonderland
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
11. O Come All Ye Gases
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
14. Lab Reports
15. Silver nitrate

1.  The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town

You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.

He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.

Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.


2.  I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
   just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
   and the chemist is livid
      to see impurities in the snow.

I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
   with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
   and may all your reactions be bright.


3.  Silent Labs

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
   Oh, how long will chemistry last?

Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
   Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

4. Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
  Fa la la la la, la la la la.

5.  The Twelve Days of Chemistry

On the first day of chemistry
   My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.

(second day)   two asbestos pads
(third day)    three little beakers
(fourth day)   four work sheets
(fifth day)    five golden moles
(sixth day)    six flaming test tubes
(seventh day)  seven unknown samples
(eighth day)   eight homework problems
(ninth day)    nine grams of salt
(tenth day)    a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day)  a twelve point quiz


From: shaffer#NoSpam.morpheus.cis.yale.edu (Wendy Shaffer)

Just thought I'd post this little carol, which I wrote to celebrate
succesfully completing a recent Quantum Chemistry exam.  Enjoy...
5b. The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum
Chemistry.
On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a
double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a
double integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic
oscillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian
Operators!  Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit
couplings, etc.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis
functions, etc.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent
perturbations, etc.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater
determinants, etc.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons
tunneling, etc.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons
emitting, etc.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions
exchanging, etc.


6.  Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")

Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
    Strong smells nipping at your nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
    Will find it hard to be inert tonight.

They know that Chlorine's on its way
    He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
    To see if the teacher really can multiply.

And so I offer you this simple phrase
    To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
    Merry molecules to you.

7.  O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")

Para Dichloro Benzene
   how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
   is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
   of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
   and what you get is ice.

8.  We Wish You a Happy Halogen

We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.

Good acid we bring
   to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
   and a happy halogen.


9.  Chemistry Wonderland

Gases explode, are you listenin'
   In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
   Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

Gone away, is the buoyancy
   Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
   Walking in a chemistry wonderland.

In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
   and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
   and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"

Later on, as we calculate
   the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
   walking in a chemistry wonderland.


10.  I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine

I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
   under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
   to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
   it was neat.

And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
   under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
   if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.


11.  O Come All Ye Gases

O Come all yea gases
   diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
   calls Avogadro.

O come yea in moles
   6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
   O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.


12.  We Three Students Of Chemistry Are

We three students of chemistry are
   taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
   worrying all the time.

O room of wonder
   room of fright
Room of thermites
   blinding light:
With your energies
   please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.


13.  Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")

There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
   Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
   the most famous element of all?

Iron the red atom molecule
   had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
   You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
   used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
   join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
   Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
   won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
   and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
   you'll go down in Chemistry!


14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")

Dashing through the lab
   with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
   and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
   making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
   a chemistry song tonight.

Oh, lab report, lab reports,
   reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
   for a chemistry test today, Hey!

Chemistry test, chemistry test
   isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
   a chemistry test and pass.


15.  Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")

Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
   it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
   soon it will be chemistry day.

Take your nitrate, in solution
   Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
   silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
   now the data procesing begins.

Get the mass, change to moles
   what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
   we're glad it's Chemistry Day.

chemistry
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December 25
From: monroem#NoSpam.UWYO.EDU (Matt Monroe)

Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
        CHEMISTRY CHRISTMAS

'Twas the night before Christmas,
The lab was quite still;
Not a Bunsen was burning
   (Nor had they the will).
The test tubes were placed
   In their racks with great care,
In hopes Father Chemistry
   Soon would be there.

The students were sleeping
   So sound in their dorms,
All dreaming of fluids
   And Crystalline forms.
Lab-Aids in their aprons
   And I in my smock.

When outside the lab
   There arose such a roar
I leaped from my stool
   And fell flat on the floor.
Out of the fire escape
   All of us flew.
What was the commotion?
   Not one of knew.

The flood-lights shone out
   O're the campus so bright
It looked like old Stockholm
   On Nobel Prize Night.
My fume-blinded eyes
   Then viewed (dare I say?)
Eight anions pulling
   A water-trough sleigh.

And holding the bonds
   Tied to each one of them
Was a figure I knew
   As our own Papa Chem.
With speeds in excess
   Of most X-rays they came.
As they Dopplered along
   He called each one by name.

"Now Nitrite, now Phosphate,
 Now Borate, now Chloride
On Citrate, on Bromate,
   On Sulfite and Oxide.

Forget what you know
   Of that randomness stuff,
Let's go straight to that roof,
   If you've quanta enough."

As fluids Bernoullian
   Behave in a pinch,
Those ions said "Alchemist
   This is a cinch."
So up to the lab-roof
   Those "chargers" they sped
With Pop Chemistry safe
   In his water-trough sled.

Just a microsec later
   Electroscopes showed
Charged particles coming
   To our lab abode
We raced back inside,
   And what d'ya think?
Down the fume-hood Pop Chem fell,
   Right into the sink.

He was dressed in a lab-coat,
   Quite ragged and old,
With removable buttons
  (The style, we're told)
A tray-full of beakers
   He clutched to his heart--
And under his arm
   Was an orbital chart.

His eyes through his goggles
   I just couldn't see
His hands were all yellow
   From H-N-O-3.
His head was quite bald
   With a fringe all around
Like a ring test for iron,
   That same shade of brown.

He puffed a cigar
   With a smell not at all
Unlike the organic lab
   Right down the hall.
The smoke billowed forth
   From his angular face
And with Brownian Movement
   Enveloped the place.

He was thin as a match
   And not terribly tall
He wasn't the type
   I'd expected at all
But a look at his clothes,
   In the lab's harsh white light,
With their acid-burn holes--
   He's a chemist all right!

He didn't say much
   (He had no time to kill)
And filled all the test tubes
   With nary a spill.
Then placing them bak
   On the benches with care
He dashed to the fume-hood
   And rose through the air.

He called to his team
   And his ions took off
And kinetics took care
   Of Pop Chem and his trough,
But I heard him cry out
   As he flew down the street
  "Merry Holidays to all!
   May your stockrooms stay neat!"


chemistry
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From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>
December 25
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes

Rock and Roll Chemistry

(tune: Rock and Roll Christmas)
 
Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!
 
Light the Bunsen, safety flame
Youíre gonna be so glad you came
Grab a splint, go get some fire
Come on and get it burning higher
Good to see, a heatproof mat
Over which the burner sat
Turning up the methane gas
What a blast in Chemistry class
 
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
H2 makes a squeaky pop
Youíll wish this fun would never stop
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
O2 makes our splints burn bright
Weíre gonna do these lessons right
 
Guys and Gals, stay in late
Theyíre so excited to titrate
Let there be some HCl
What will the indicator tell
Weíre gonna drip, weíre gonna drop
Weíre gonna make the endpoint stop
Swirl the flask and that will be
Great results in chemistry
 
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Extracting iron in the lab
Chemistry practicals are fab
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Electroplated all our keys
We canít go home, weíll stay here please
 
And youíll be rockiní in your stockiní
When you see your alkalis
Because itís weaker in your beaker
You wonít believe your big blue eyes
 
Come on in, join the fun
Itís test tube time for everyone
Weigh some CuSO4
Thatís not enough?  Well get some more
Pour in some H2O
Watch while your thermometers go
Up, up, up! Oh what an attraction
An exothermic heat reaction
 
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
All dressed up, here we go
In our labcoats white as snow
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Safety goggles on our face
We might need them just in case
 
Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!
Itís chemistry!
 
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Borax, glue weíll make some slime
Itís so much fun in Chemistry Time
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Vinegar, milk, weíre making plastic
Wow this science is fantastic
 
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Flame tests colours burning red
You might just guess which one is lead
Another Rock and Roll Chemistry
Another Chemistry Rock and Roll
Zinc and acid making gas
Science lessons make us laugh
 
Chemistry! Chemistry! Chemistry!
 

chemistry
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From: "Tristan Jenkins" <tjenkins#NoSpam.cgcc.cc.or.us>
This bit of wisdom was on the walls of my undergraduate school:

There once was a chemist from Reed
Who never washed his hands before he peed.
The stuff on his hands
Got into his glans
And inhibited his ability to breed.

chemistry
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From: awillis#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com (al willis)
      Orig.  Al Willis

The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
   His arms he did flail,
   Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.

chemistry
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From: "Gareth Jones" <GarethNOSPAMJones#NoSpam.computerweekly.net.zzz>
There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium,
And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium,
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium,
Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
And gold, protactinium and indium and gallium (inhale)
And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium.

There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium,
And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium and barium.

Isn't that interesting?
I knew you would.
I hope you're all taking notes, because there's gonna be a short quiz next
period.

There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
And phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium
And manganese and mercury, molybdinum, magnesium,
Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium
And lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium,
Paladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
Tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium, (inhale)
And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium.

There's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium
And also mendelevium, einsteinium and nobelium
And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc and rhodium
And chlorine, cobalt, carbon, copper,
Tungsten, tin and sodium.

These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard,
And there may be many others but they haven't been discovered.

-Tom Lehrer

A flash animation can be found at
http://www.privatehand.com/flash/elements.html

chemistry
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From: George Maxwell <georgemaxwell2000#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>

Everybody who's anybody in a chemistry department will have heard Tom
Lehrer's brilliant 'Elements song', in which the nimble-fingered
mathematician reels off the names of the elements at lightning speed, to
the tune of Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Modern Major-General'.

 Recently, whilst brooding over a particularly abstract physical chemistry
 course, I happened across the following ditty, penned in the 1930's. Set
 to the same frantic tune, it is an exploration of the qualities that the
 'Modern Doctor (chemical)' must have. Enjoy!

I am the very model of a modern doctor (chemical)

I send to all the journals my remarks and views polemical.

Iíve studied mathematics Ďtill I think in terms vectorial,

And scorn the plodding soul who seeks for molecules pictorial.

Oh, Calculus is food for babes; I love a complex vari-able,

And state a simple law in terms the layman thinks are terr-i-ble.

I can talk of relativity and space time for a month or more, 

And integrate elliptically to terms the (N+1)th  or more-

And yet, my hand and mind are seized with palsy and paralysis,

When I essay that dreadful task Ė a chemical analysis.

 

Iíve mastered all of physics, wave mechanics and spectroscopy;

Thereís not a Planck or Rutherford whose sage remarks are lost to me.

I know the private life of each electron Ďround the nucleus;

Their inner quantum numbers and their interactions dubious.

I outdistance Bohr and Sommerfeld in matters theoretical,

Anticipated Goudsmit with electron spins heretical.

And yet my heart is filled with woe and primal trepidation,

When in the lab, Iím faced with an organic preparation.

 

I surpass Debye and HöÄĀõckel in their views interionical,

Dumbfound LaMer and Sandved with equations non-canonical,

I can compute the entropy from levels in the molecule,

And fill the journal page-by-page with integrals symbolical.

I calculate reaction rate and heat of ac-ti-va-tion,

And any other quantity expressed by an e-qua-ti-on.

Yet still the old-time chemist shakes his head in vulgar merriment,

When I confess how I detest performing an experiment.


chemistry
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From: Werner Haelg <Haelg#NoSpam.inorg.chem.ethz.ch>
Chemist's fast prayer:
Dear Lord, if I mix sodium
with concentrated HNO3,
and add to it Plutonium,
would you take care on me?

chemistry
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From: pp002759#NoSpam.interramp.com (Richard Rateick, Jr.)

I had a brand new beaker once
its gone beyond recall
for all the glass and pieces are
embeded in the wall.
-- Frey (sp?) Scientific Catalogue, ca. 1978.

chemistry
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From: Rose_Adrienne#NoSpam.msn.com (Rose Shlachtman)

A mosquito was heard to complain
That a chemist had poisoned his brain
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro
Diphenyltrichloroethane.

chemistry
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mini-air:
Dr. Robert Stein sent us an essay about his adventures with
pharmaceutical sales representatives.  After lamenting that the
drug companies no longer offer him free vacations to Hawaii, he
concluded with this heart-rending flourish:

        The rep from the drug company
        Offers gifts that are no use to me.
                Of that junk do me spare!
                Give me one year of AIR!
        Till you do, go away! Let me be!


chemistry
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From: Dave Arnold <arnold#NoSpam.pop1.science.widener.edu>
 "Little Willie from the mirror
  Licked the mercury off.
  Thinking in his childish error
  It would cure his whooping cough.

  At the funeral, Willie's mother
  Smartly said to Mrs. Brown
  "Twas a chilly day for Willie
  When the mercury went down."
                                    Anon

chemistry
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From: "Hugh Janus" <HUGH_JANUS#NoSpam.born.in.the.USA.NET>
A teacher in chemistry class
Gave a talk on combustible gas
He scoffed down some beans
And pulled down his jeans
Then held up a match to his ass.

chemistry
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From: Eric <eric343#NoSpam.2alpha.com>
There once was a chemist from Reed
Who washed his hands not 'fore he peed.
The stuff on his hands
Got into his glans
And inhibited his ability to breed.

chemistry
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From: "Ryan L. Cobb" <ryancobb#NoSpam.cox.net>

This is  an original poem written by one of my dad's best friends
note: 'old Panky'=teacher

                        Student Bill's Experiments
 
On the 15th of April in the year of '62,
It was early in the morning Bill his head off nearly blew,
In a class that was called chemistry, don't ask me how or why,
'Cause no chemistry took place there if old Panky wasn't nigh.

Now young Dallas, genius of a sort, insecticide had made,
And poor William had inhaled the stuff; his sense began to fade.
He had made some HCl that morn, and wondered what to do;
He didn't want to waste the stuff -- he'd have some fun, he knew.

He acquired several Mg strips, and stuck them in the juice:
"We'll get reactions now, my friends, just all you dolts hang loose!"
Well the hydrogen would bubble, and the hydrogen would pour,
And he caught it in some test tubes that were from a neighbor's drawer.

"Why catch it in the tubes," said Wayne, "you'll get a little flame,
If you light the end there," (and he thought, "but I won't get the blame!")
So good Bill, with trust in his dear friend, did bring the fire near;
And the sound that then resulted wasn't pleasant to the ear.

Well old Panky looked quite grave; he thought, "I knew it, yes I did,
And if this youngster keeps it up, I'm sure to flip my lid."
But poor Bill is still alive now, and it really is a wonder,
That the stupid fool himself and classmates didn't blow asunder.

chemistry
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From: Mike van Scherrenburg (mvs#NoSpam.berlioz.nsc.com)
 Mary had a little lamb,
 a black sheep now is he,
 for what she thought was rug shampoo,
 was AgNO3.

 Got the idea from reading "Black like Me" in high school.  Don't know if it
does the same to sheep as it does to humans though.

chemistry
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Februari 14
A Valentine that is Technically a Sonnet

by Lowell T. Christensen

 
How do I love thee? Let me quantify the ways.
I loved thee when first I observed thy configuration,
And I jumped to an excited state.
Before I met thee, I was a free radical,
But thou has made me more stable.
I loved thy reaction when a jewel (joule?) I shocked thee with.
We bonded and are now at equilibrium in the combined state.
 
Thou makest me feel almost noble.
I love thee for the children thou hast generated,
Who daily prove the second law of thermodynamics.
I love thee this Valentine's Day, February 14,
Which incidentally is Jimmy Hoffa's birthday.
I tell thee how I love thee,
That our love may never be reduced.

chemistry
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From: phil <philbo#NoSpam.cix.co.uk>

              "First Row Transition Metal" by Phil Alexander

                              To the tune of:

            "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkel


Count electrons in their shells
Shells 1 and 2 are full, 3s as well
4s has two, sometimes just one
It's filled before 3d, so 
It's a first row transition metal
3d's incomplete
It is a first row transition metal
3d's incomplete
 
First there's Scandium
Titanium
V is Vanadium
Cr - Chromium
Then Manganese
Iron, Cobalt
And Nickel, Copper, Zinc
They're the first row transition metals
And that's right - I think
They're the first row transition metals
Yes it's right, I think
 
The electrons in
The 4s shell
They're lost so easily
All these elements are metals
See how they shine, 
And if they're oxidised
There's even more besides:
For a first row transition metal
Has coloured oxides
Yes a first row transition metal
Has colored oxides

If you've enjoyed this parody, or found it useful, please vote on it at:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/70s/simonandgarfunkel13.shtml

chemistry
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From: Phil Alexander <dd#NoSpam.philbo.cix.co.uk>
 
"Henry the Eighth" Based on the performance by Herman's Hermits

    "Element the Eighth" Parody by Phil Alexander
 
I'm element the eighth I am
'Tomic number eight I am I am
When I'm liquid I am cold and blue
My normal state is molecular O2
I'm an oxidising element
It's me that makes explosive stuff go BLAM!
In the periodic elements
Element the eighth I am
 
Second verse - yet more diverse
 
I'm element the eighth I am
'Tomic number eight I am I am
Sev'ral miles high above the sea
You'll find me as ozone (which is O3)
I'm a divalent element
Two singles or a double-bond I can
I'm number eight in the elements
Element the eighth I am
 
(Solo... er free radical?)
 
I'm element the eighth I am
'Tomic number eight I am I am
I've got eight electrons in my shell
Eight nuclear protons, eight neutrons as well
I'm a mass of sixteen element
That means one mole of me is sixteen grams
In the periodic elements
Element the eighth I am
Element (Element)
Element (Element)
Element the eighth I am
 
http://www.amiright.com/parody/60s/hermanshermits47.shtml

chemistry
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December 25
March 30
Special Category: Isaac Newton

From: "Stephanie S. Landis" <kgirl#NoSpam.dejazzd.com>

I would like to contribute a poem I wrote after watching a PBS show on
Isaac Newton. They showed a guy repeating one of Newton's alchemical
experiments and the alloy he got was so beautiful I wonder why it isn't
used in jewelry. So that was the basic inspiration.

                                  The Net
                                      By Stephanie S. Landis

"The Net" is an alloy created by Isaac Newton in his alchemical
experiments.
(Here is a picture: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/newton/alch-newm-05.html

A purple alloy with a laced surface
That looks woven by fishermen
On some mysterious isle set in another sea,
On another world, perhaps, its motion governed by immutable gravity.
And caught up in it, one prism of a mind
That channels clear light and then explodes it into a spectrum of ideas
Blinding in their stark originality.
Ideas focus like light through a lens
And burn into the world an action it never knew it hadó
Apples poised in mid-fall
Measured! The eye blinded
By the force of its own power to perceive! Then, seeing again,
Overwhelmed by sheer lucidity.


#78 November 17, 2005

chemistry
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From: "Musselman, Paul" <pmusselman#NoSpam.generalcable.com>

A green little chemist
  on a green little day
Mixed some green little chemicals
  in a green little way.
Now the green little grasses=20
  tenderly wave
O'er the green little chemist's
  Green little grave.


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