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Special Category: Top Reasons
                          REASONS TO BE A CHEMIST

From: NOSPAMjmllab#NoSpam.lightspeed.net (T.A. Vera) "George D. McCallion"
; <chem#NoSpam.bellatlantic.net> ; dale#NoSpam.ox.mc.edu (Chris Dale) ; (Rick Fletcher)
; fletcher#NoSpam.news.uidaho.edu ; idigruach#NoSpam.aol.com (IDIGRUACH) ;
; M.J.Pitt#NoSpam.shef.ac.uk (M J Pitt)

- All the coffee and pocket protectors you could want!
- Clark Kent style safety glasses.
- Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cencerous substances.
- The "opportunity" to deal with irate clients asking "where are my
- Because it's pHun :)
- Access to 100% pure ethanol
- Knowing how to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies
- You never have to worry about what you're doing on Friday night
    (You're working in the lab)
- Permanent goggle marks cheaper than a tattoo.
- You hope someday to be able to use the word "buckyballs" without bursting
  into a fit of laughter.
- You wish to be blamed for all faults in the environment.
- ditto for cancer
- You are adept at poverty cooking
- You prefer to get your course credits the hard way

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Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

                         YOU MIGHT BE A CHEMIST IF
From: wpenrose#NoSpam.interaccess.com (William R. Penrose)

- You keep a picture of Mme. Curie over your desk -- and it turns you on.
- You named your firstborn after one of the lanthanides, and than felt
  compelled to have more until you had the whole set.
- When you had an unexpected sixteenth child, you just had to name him
  actinium, and now you're not sure how to stop.
- You know that Anal. Chem. is not the title of a raunchy video.
- You think that fresh air smells bad.
From: "Rebecca M. Chamberlin" <rmchamberlin#NoSpam.lanl.gov>
You pronounce "unionized" with 4 syllables....
From: Rich Lemert <RLemert#NoSpam.continet.com>
- You're a chemist if you wash your hands BEFORE you use the bathroom.
From: Rob Buckley <R.Buckley#NoSpam.sct.gu.edu.au>
- you played with explosives as a kid - and still have all you're
- you're favorite activity is testing the water in the fish tank - and
you don't even have any fish..  (if you have fish, you are a
- you wonder just _what_ the lubricant in that condom is made from...

From: Ren़ Henninger <Dalamar.Argent#NoSpam.gmx.net>
- you know you are a chemist if you are distilling your own alcohol
- you know you are a chemist if you heard another explosion without it
bothering you!

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Special Category: Famous last words
From: Mooseman#NoSpam.FATE.ohz.north.de (Bjoern "Mooseman" Harste)

(Blame JV for the translation from German.)

The last words of a chemist:
1.  And now the tasting test.
2.  May that become hot?
3.  And now a little bit from this...
4.  ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5.  And now shake it a bit.
6.  Why is there no label on this bottle?
7.  In which glass was my mineral water?
8.  The bunschen burnes *is* out!
9.  Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away...
19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...
20. Peter can you please help me.  Peter!?!  Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
22. Something is wrong here...
23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette...

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From: Chris Morton (mortoncp#NoSpam.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
do it collection

Special Category: Scientists do it...

Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists like to experiment.
Electrochemists have greater potential.
From: skreyn#NoSpam.netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds)

Polymer chemists do it in chains.
From: "Western Research Center" <user#NoSpam.company.com>
Toxicologists do it till they're half-dead.

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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Chemists have nice reactions.

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Special Category: Old scientists never die...

From: jay.freedman#NoSpam.pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
From: bill.considine#NoSpam.execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE)
 DeLuxe 1.1 #9385

Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium
From: wmaya#NoSpam.csupomona.edu (Walter Maya)

Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
From: Tim.Nelson#NoSpam.Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
From: "Dr. Gulshan Wadhwa" <ishan60#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
old chemists never die, only their entropy increases
From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Organic Chemists do it on the bench. But seriously, its pHun!

chemistry biology
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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Why to date a chemist/biochemist:
Biochemist knows what to do with "biomass"!!!
Organic chemists know how to cleave Double Bonds.

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Januari 2
April 6
From: roberts#NoSpam.ucunix.san.uc.edu (Michael A. Roberts)

Isaac Asimov said that if you want to find a chemist, ask him/her to
discuss the following words:


As he so eloquently put it, "If he starts talking about furry animals
and organized labor, keep walking."

physics chemistry
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Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!

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From: Casandra Sheldon <cls436#NoSpam.psu.edu>

okay so I came to the realization while I was riding in the Jeep with my 

  I say to him You know when I Chemist says 'put it in a round 
bottom'   (you know round bottom flask) it doesn't mean what you think it 

I don't know maybe you just have to have a dirty mind to find this funny 
hee hee

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From: John Bauer <jbauer#NoSpam.deathtospam.unm.edu>

As one of our teaching assistants observed:

"The Chemistry Department is located near the Psychology Department for 
good reason."  ~Allisha Ray (2003)

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From: John Bauer <jbauer#NoSpam.deathtospam.unm.edu>

      Why I Am A Chemist, by Tom Walz

I am a chemist because when I was young I was told to look around and 
see who had the kind of life I wanted to have.  Then go do the same work.
What I found was that chemists are generally much better looking than 
average.  They test out smarter and have more friends.  I heard about 
some guys from a university who studied chemists in a bar.  They found 
that chemists get approached and generally get lucky about 43 times as 
often as most folks.
Chemists win more at cards, catch more fish and are beloved by kids and 
dogs.  They can work their VCR and set the clock on the microwave. 
Their kids are brighter, their lawns are greener and their cars run 
better.  Their daughters are prettier and their sons are better 
athletes.  Their spouses are sweeter and their mothers-in-law hardly 
visit at all.
Chemists do things like save lives and generally make a better world.
Anyway, I looked around and it seemed to me that chemists were clearly 
superior folk and I would be proud to be one.  That is why I am a chemist.
That and all the good jobs were taken.

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From: John Bauer <jbauer#NoSpam.deathtospam.unm.edu>


"We had no doubts: we would be chemists, but our expectations and hopes 
were quite different.  Enrico asked chemistry, quite reasonably, for the 
tools to earn his living and have a secure life.  I asked for something 
entirely different; for me chemistry represented an indefinite cloud of 
future potentialities which enveloped my life to come in black volutes 
torn by fiery flashes, like those which had hidden Mount Sinai.  Like 
Moses, from that cloud I expected my law, the principle of order in me, 
around me, and in the world.  I was fed up with books, which I still 
continued to gulp down with indiscreet voracity, and searched for a key 
to the highest truths; there must be a key, and I was certain that, 
owing to some monstrous conspiracy to my detriment and the world's, I 
would not get it in school.  In school they loaded me with tons of 
notions which I diligently digested, but which did not warm the blood in 
my veins.  I would watch the buds swell in spring, the mica glint in the 
granite, my own hands, and I would say to myself: 'I will understand 
this, too, I will understand everything, but not the way they want me 
to.  I will find a shortcut, I will make a lock-pick, I will push open 
the doors.'
    "It was enervating, nauseating, to listen to lectures on the problem of
being and knowing, when everything around us was a mystery pressing to be
revealed: the old wood of the benches, the sun's sphere beyond the
windowpanes and the roofs, the vain flight of the pappus down in the June
air.  Would all the philosophers and all the armies of the world be able to
construct this little fly?  No, nor even understand it: this was a shame
and an abomination, another road must be found.  "We would be chemists,
Enrico and I.  We would dredge the bowels of the mystery with our strength,
our talent: we would grab Proteus by the throat, cut short his inconclusive
metamorphoses from Plato to Augustine, from Augustine to Thomas, from
Thomas to Hegel, from Hegel to Croce.  We would force him to speak."
~Primo Levi _The Periodic Table_ (1975) Translated by Raymond Rosenthal

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From: Norma van der Plaas <NorMa#NoSpam.optusnetXCAPS.com.au>

My daughter, not that long ago, made a basic error on a chemistry matter
in discussion with me, to which I replied, "Good heavens, you should
know that, you learnt it in the lab in your Yr 8 (first year High
School) Science class!"
She replied, "No I didn't"
I retorted, "Yes, you did!"
She replied, "No I didn't. How would *YOU* know what the dumb Science
teacher taught us, anyway?"
I replied, quietly, "Because, if you care to recall, I *WAS* your dumb
Yr 8 Science teacher"

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From: Norma van der Plaas <NorMa#NoSpam.optusnetXCAPS.com.au>

How to Get Thrown out of Chem Lab.
When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

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Special Category: Famous last words

                             Famous last words

Chemistry teacher: And if you combine the base and the acid just right, you
can safely drink it.

Chemist: What kind of tea is this?

Chemist: Why do they keep that under oil?  It wil be much safer under water.

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From: "Katrien De Gusseme" <katriendegusseme#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

The head of our department, was a professor who liked his titles very
much. The name tag on his office door read "professor PhD engineer xxx,
director of the laboratories of petrochemical engineering". And he always
introduced himself as "professor, PhD engineer xxx". He used to work in the
industry and was still very keen on "shaking hands", as he called it, with
people from the industry (no doubt to get research funds).

One fine day, we had a plant visit and we drove there by bus (or whole
chemical engineering group was about 7 people, so we had a mini-bus) but
the professor came directly from his home. We were there first and were
introduced to some people, then they offered us a drink, while waiting for
our professor to arrive.

About fifteen minutes later, he arrived, looked around the room and went to
the first person he saw and didn't recognize as one of his students or
assistants, shaking hands and introducing himself in his familiar way. We
all turned our heads to hear the reply:

"nice to meet you, I'm Jeff, the bus driver.

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