5. EARTH SCIENCES

Subsections

5.1 GEOLOGY

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:5. earth sciences


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From: Tim.Nelson#NoSpam.Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
Special Category: Old scientists never die...

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Thanks everyone for your help on our tunnelling break-through t-shirt
slogan

Here are the results:

1. Geology: where subduction always leads to orogeny!
2. Shear Heaven
3. Hit and Miss - Shear Bliss
4. What a lode off my mind
5. What the hell do we do now?
6. Holy Schist, Batman...We made it!
7. What a lode of fuchsite
8. We Dig Mother Earth
9. My Psychologist told me that every decline is a great Break Through
10. Banbrytande genombrott
11. Banbrytande genombrott utan avbrott
12. Banbrytarna avbryter (inte?) f=F6r ett genombrott
13. Go, Goare, Bananbrytarna
14. Genom berg och =F6ver kablar, Tord han skriker sablar
15. Det s=E4ger pang om du k=F6r =F6ver en slang
16. Grabben a dike by the cleavage!
17. I'm a geologist and I'm hung like a horst
18. I -WAS- working damit !!, I've been TUMBLING and MIMING, all day
     and  THEY said I was goofing off !
19. Geologists make the bed rock
20. Cummingtonite?
21. Which bed are you in?
22. Geologists make the bed rock
23. I am a down to "earth" person
24. Follow me, I am looking for gold
25. Lost a rock ? I will find it for you
26. I can guess how old the earth is, but still an amateur in guessing
the age of a women
27. Wish the earth's inventor left the specs behind
28. Geologist drill at home and at work
29. Kiss a geologist: get your rocks off!
30. Geologists probe crevaces
31. Geologists get their Rocks Off
32. Mom Loves Geologists
33. Geologists know their plagioclase feldspar
34. Geologists do it in the dirt
35. Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
36. Thank God! That light WASN'T a train

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Geologists probe crevaces
Geologists get their Rocks Off
Mom Loves Geologists
Geologists know their plagioclase feldspar
Geologists do it in the dirt
Try a Geologist for a Volcanic Eruption
I'm a geologist and I'm hung like a horst.
Geological sexual harassment: Grabben a dike by the cleavage!

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Kiss a geologist and feel the earthquake.

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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak
Earthquake predictors are faultfinders. (Tim Davis)

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
My sister is marrying a Geologist, and jokes would be appreciated.

You should take her aside and warn her that
"Geologists have their faults".

You could warn her that "The more you try to be gneiss, the more you
get taken for granite"

>>Schist happens.
>>Tell her to have a gneiss day.
>>Whatever you do, don't take him for granite.
>>And lastly, may the quartz be with you!
>
>I've lost my apatite.
>
I stole this one off a tee-shirt from a guy I went through
field camp with (it's been my .sig for about a year and a half
now :-) :

And let her not forget on her wedding night that geologists' make the
bedrock!
That intrusion in his pants is a batholith

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From: Frank Maxey <76373.1101#NoSpam.CompuServe.COM>
Does an excellent student of vulcanology graduate magma cum
laude?

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
A man goes into a restaruant, sits down and starts reading the menu.  The menu
says:
Broiled Accountant  $5.95 per plate
Fried Engineer      $7.95 per plate
Toasted Teacher     $7.95 per plate
Grilled Geologist   $25.95 per plate

The man calls a waiter over and asks "Hey, why does the Grilled Geologist cost
so much more?"

The waiter says, " Are you kidding? Do you know how hard it is
to clean one of them?!?!"

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Is that a belemnite in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Folds, thrusts, and overturned beds are
all common in zones of orogeny

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From: Keith Morrison <keithm#NoSpam.polarnet.ca>
So I was standing in the library discussing cleavage with a female
colleague when the topic of intrusive dikes comes up.  She said
that the dikes she knew of were often associated with thrusting
movements in a bed.  I said that I usually didn't associate dikes
with any sort of thrusting, but then you never know what can happen
when a dike was in an orogenous zone.

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Never lend a geologist money.  They consider a million years ago
to be Recent.

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
Q:How does a geologist get his rocks off?
A:With a hammer and chisel.

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
avalance....a mountain getting it's rocks off.

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From: Keith Morrison <keithm#NoSpam.polarnet.ca>, dstierm#NoSpam.geology.utoledo.edu
(Donald Stierman)
A geologist is the only person who can can talk to a woman and use the
words "dike" "thrust" "bed" "orogeny" "cleavage" and "subduction" in the
same sentence without facing a civil suit.

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From: Paul Armitage <paul#NoSpam.darwin.ibg.uit.no>
Q: How fast do fault blocks move?
A: A mile a night

chemistry
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From: Glen Gardner <ggardner#NoSpam.oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu>
Q:  What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?
A: A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.
   A geologist will drink anything that is fermented....

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From: Geojoe <geojoe#NoSpam.ludin.com.au> wrote:
Q: Why did the fold get arrested???
A: He was caught rolling a joint!!!

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From: Roman G. Lahodynsky <r.lahodynsky#NoSpam.magnet.at>
Q: What is the difference between a geologist and a theologian?
A : There is none. They themselves have neither been below nor above.

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From: "Tedd F. Sperling" <tedd#NoSpam.sperling.com>
Here's an old joke that some may appreciate.

|--------------|--------------|
|              |              |
|       |      |              |
|      -O-     |       @      |
|       |      |              |
|              |              |
|--------------|--------------|

Given the above, namely a dry well on the left and a producing well on
the right, the following are the interpretations from some petroleum
professions.

The interpretation of:

a) The Petroleum Engineer:

|--------------|--------------|
|              |              |
|       |      |              |
|      -O-     |      (@)     |
|       |      |              |
|              |              |
|--------------|--------------|

b) The Landman:

|--------------|--------------|
|              |//////////////|
|       |      |//////////////|
|      -O-     |///////@//////|
|       |      |//////////////|
|              |//////////////|
|--------------|--------------|

c) The Geologist:

|--------------|--------------|
|              |   .------.   |
|       |      |  //////\\\\  |
|      -O-     | (|||||@||||) |
|       |      |  \\\\\/////  |
|              |   '------'   |
|--------------|--------------|

d) The Geophysicist:

|--------------|--------------|
|   .------.   |              |
|  /////|\\\\  |              |
| (||||-O-|||) |       @      |
|  \\\\\|////  |              |
|   '------'   |              |
|--------------|--------------|


Explanation:
The point of my joke, was that everyone had their own interpretation of the
producing well and the dry hole. Also, everyone was right, except for the
Geophysicist.

You see, being a Geophysicist, I can poke fun at my profession. Which is
something that is normally not in character for most Geophysicists. An
ironic double pun as one might observe. But then again, maybe not.

Tedd

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From: "wbrownlee" <xenoxyst#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>

|
|>     Thrust fault
|
|>
|

|
|
|
|D     Normal fault
|
|

      I
    -O-      Engineer's fault
      I

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September 14
May 19
Overseas Airlines: Now price reduction due to plate tectonics:
                           ._,             ,
                     ___   |_     _. _ ._ -+-
                           ._)   (_.(/,[ ) |


-- Sydney Harris Cartoon

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From: "tone" <tonyf#NoSpam.netspace.net.au>
"Reunite Gondwanaland"
was the Bendigo CAE T-shirt logo for a number of years -late 70's-early
80's.

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September 14
May 19
From: miklwillms#NoSpam.aol.com (Michael Williams)

"STOP PLATE TECTONICS".

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November 1
From: patrick Murphy <patrick#NoSpam.kaos.es>
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT !!

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From: StonyMeteor <nospam#NoSpam.geoserver1.aau.dk>
Geologists make the bed rock.

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From: StonyMeteor <nospam#NoSpam.geoserver1.aau.dk>
I'm into "hard rock

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From: Chris Morton (mortoncp#NoSpam.nextwork.rose-hulman.edu)
do it collection

From: Joao Batista(fbatista#NoSpam.cc.fc.ul.pt)

Special Category: Scientists do it...

Geographers do it globally.
Geologists are great explorers.
Geologists do it eruptively, with glow, and always smoke afterwards.
Geologists do it in folded beds.
Geologists do it to get their rocks off.
Geologists know how to make the bedrock.
Geologists do it on the rocks.
Oceanographers do it on the waves.
Oceanographers do it on the sea.
Oceanographers do it with currents.

From: "RMW Musson" <R.Musson#NoSpam.bgs.ac.uk>
Geophysicists do it with higher frequency.
From: Peregrine#NoSpam.t-online.de (FKoe)

Geologists do it for ages.
From: Neil McNaughton <neilmcn#NoSpam.csi.com>
Geophysicists do it till it hertz..

From: Bobby Holder <BHOLDER#NoSpam.tnrcc.state.tx.us>
Cavers do it deeper !

From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Geologists do it stratigraphically.

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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Geologists have paleomagnetic personalities.
Geophysical exercise.
Geologists never lose their luster.
Geologists don't wrinkle, they show lineation.
Geologists are gneiss people, everyone else is just schist.
Orogenous zones and hot spots.

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From: kring#NoSpam.physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring)

Geologists are amazing. They know hundreds of words for different sorts of
dirt and hundreds of words for things it does when left alone for a few
million years.

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From: pclarke#NoSpam.waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

Two Geologists are walking across a granite outcrop one day. The first says
to the second "Hey, this terrain is unmetamorphosed". Replies the second
one, "No Schist".

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From: Duncan A.McDonald <duncanmcdonald#NoSpam.home.com>
Geologists get Rock Solid when in a sedimentary position.

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From: Mike Walker <mike.walkerNO#NoSpam.SPAMbakeratlas.com>
Real story... still funny

Talking to a group of primary school teachers about geology, and how to
introduce it to the young.  The inevitable discussion on dinosaurs...all
kids are fascinated about dinosaurs.

So I asked the teachers, if so many kids were interested in dinosaurs, why
weren't there more geologists...

The answer...most kids grow up !

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From: Dan Shackelford <danshack#NoSpam.spam_me_not.ix.netcom.com>
Here in California, when a bridge falls down, we know it must be San
Andreas' Fault!

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From: Duncan A.McDonald <duncanmcdonald#NoSpam.home.com>
My Pet Rock went to a Shrink the other day and, The Doc told him that
he to fat and, had little personality.  Well, my pet rock to the Doc
to stuff he prognosis and, he would get a second opinion.  He then
visited a Barber and, he recommended the he grow some hair.  Then sold
him some Grow gain.  He also told him to socialize more my being seen by
lots of humans young and old.  He did this by getting a Job a Walmart
as a Nut Cracker and hundreds of customers used him to crash a lot of
nuts.  He was surely disappointed that nobody cared to see him other
than a Nut Cracker.

So the Moral of this story if you can't make it in Geology, don't ever
work for Walmart.

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From: Limestone Cowboy <outac#NoSpam.geocities.com>
I find drillers boring !

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From: Hoffman, Nick N <Hoffman.Nick.N#NoSpam.bhp.com.au>
Special Category: Scientists do it...

Geophysicists do it on impulse!
(courtesy of Merlin Profilers)

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From: Ste Lomax <stephen.lomax#NoSpam.worc.ox.ac.uk>
Geologists get hammered and stoned.

Geologists are good at examining 100 cleavage whilst bedding a slag hoping
to be cummingtonite

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From: Mike Dale <mikedale#NoSpam.ozemail.com.au>

Phil. Trans. Mem. Rept. J. Geol. Lithuania (22), 167-671



                       G.E.O  Lovarock
       School of Earth Sciences, University of Bitwindi


                           Abstract


The Googly Plateau of King Harry XXV Land is a metaclastic succession of
Archaean, Proterozoic and Phaneritic meta-amphibolite metafacies
intruded in some places by tonalite-trodnjemite-basanite-microdiorite
tuffs in part deformed and conformed probably during the Siluro-Permian
Maggie Tabberer Orogeny and bounded on many sides by steeply dipping,
flat-lying reverse thrust faults. The basement rock is Martian and
probably pre-dates the solar system. In particular, the Queen Kylie
Glacier Member of the Devilís Arse Formation is a phanerolithic band of
rock contorted and distorted in Northwest, Northeast, Southwest and
Southeast dipping anticlinoria. It is a quartz-nepheline diamictite
containing abundant clasts of pyroxene-rich limestone with ripple-marks,
wormholes and vesicles. It is probably definitely stylonodular. The
authors imagine that these highly terrigenous phenocrysts were derived
from lowlands in the North, South, East and West when they were exposed
to a primary oxygen ratio. Isotopic dating indicates that these
metaclastics are really, really old. Probably the uplift was initiated
in the Recent Epoch when plates were colliding all over the shop and
there were more Benioff zones than Iíve had hot dinners.

Robinovitch Daleski

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From: Nick Mortimer <epidote#NoSpam.es.co.nz>
INSTANT ABSTRACTS!

Want to go to that conference in San Francisco but short of ideas for
that abstract? SCISP Publishing House has the answer for its
long-suffering readers. And it's free! Just select an abstract, fill in
the blanks and submit. California here you come!


HIGH-RESOLUTION, HIGH-PRECISION, HIGH-ACCURACY, HIGH-SENSITIVITY
ANALYTICAL DATA FROM THE ____________ COMPLEX: IMPLICATIONS FOR RESOURCE
ASSESSMENT AND ENVIRONMENTAL CONTAMINATION
P.P. Em, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

While on vacation, one of the laboratory staff obtained a rock sample
from the side of a road somewhere near ________________ . The sample was
sawn, trimmed, split, disaggregated, sieved, pulverised, mixed with
concentrated hydrochloric, hydrofluoric, sulphuric, nitric, acetic and
citric acids, beaten until well-blended, placed in a round glass dish
and baked in an oven at 350deg F for one hour. Three picograms of sample
were analysed by state-of-the-art SEM, TEM, XRD, XRF, EPMA, AAS, PIXE,
XAFS, AMS, LA-ICP-MS, TIMS, SIMS and SHRIMP methods. All results were
filtered for anomalies and were then smoothed, corrected, reduced,
double-normalised and plotted on small diagrams with 0.5 standard
deviation error bars. Detailed interpretation of LLDs as well as HFSE,
LILE, PGE and REE concentrations, isotopic ratios, fractionation
factors, discordia trajectories, spidergams and colour inkjet plots
viewed through 3D glasses indicate that the sample is unlikely to
represent degassed unremelted homogenised depleted MORB-like Phanerozoic
subcontinental upper mantle, at least at the 34% confidence level.
Factors which could contribute to the observed differences between this
sample and the previous 3pg of material analysed by this well-equipped
world-class analytical facility are considered.

--

INTERNATIONAL MULTIDISCIPLINARY GEOPHYSICAL PROFILING OF THE SHALLOW AND
DEEP LITHOSPHERE NEAR _____________ : IMPLICATIONS FOR HAZARD ANALYSIS
AND GONDWANA EVOLUTION
T. Emblor, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

Mountain ranges are sometimes formed by compression or transpression at
plate margins. Specific examination of the utilisation of different
geophysical methods in common use around the world led to the conducting
of a "campaign-style" detailed, long baseline geophysical survey
experiment across _______________ in order to improve understanding of
the area. A supplemental series of experiments was conducted in an
attempt to assess the precision of measurable components. These
secondary experiments showed that geophysical processes can be estimated
to a high degree of precision. Accordingly, spatial parameters were
combined to make a new multi-terabyte database on a SUN workstation.
Although the Principal Investigators failed to agree on a snappy acronym
for the experiment, the main survey did reveal the presence of
lithospheric heterogeneity and/or anisotropy in the crust beneath the
area. Changes in the physical properties of the host rocks and/or
presence of fluids are favoured to account for changes in observed
components. Data are consistent with previously identified broad scale
tectonic models. Technical limitations, imposed by external factors,
were also identified during the main and secondary experiments.

--

GEOLOGY OF A REMOTE AND RUGGED AREA NEAR _____________ : IMPLICATIONS
FOR HAZARD ANALYSIS AND RESOURCE ASSESSMENT
Hal Fanglegraben, Science Consultancy Institute of the South Pacific.

During the course of a helicopter-supported field study, a previously
unmapped rock unit was found to outcrop over a large area. The upper
contact of the unit is hidden by a deeply-crevassed ice plateau, and the
lower contact is obscured by alluvium deposited by swollen rivers
impassable even by 4WD vehicle. Although a number of lithological
subdivisions can be made, different degrees of disruption are observed
across the unit and the recognition of at least seven phases of
deformation means that total thickness is poorly known. Detailed studies
of the unit together with analyses of its constituents provide the basis
for an assessment of its characteristics. Composition is variable, but
is generally similar to nearby bodies with which the unit is correlated.
Particular reference is made to possible, but enigmatic,
interrelationships between tectonic activity, mineralisation and slope
angle. More data are needed to extend this reconnaissance study, thus
enabling a better picture of regional relationships to be determined.
---

More of this sort of nonsense, if it's your sort of thing, at
http://homepages.ihug.co.nz/~epidote/Company/institute.html

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Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

YOU MIGHT BE A GEOLOGIST IF. . .

    * You can pronounce the word "molybdenite" correctly on the first try.
    * You think the primary function of road cuts is tourist attractions.
    * You own more pieces of quartz than underwear.  You associate the word
    * "hard" with a value on the Mohs scale instead of "work".  The
    * rockpile in your garage is taller than you are.  You have a strong
    * opinion as to whether pieces of concrete are properly called "rocks".
    * The local university's geology department requests permission to hold
    * field trips in your back yard.  You associate the name "Franklin"
    * with New Jersey instead of "Ben".  There's amethyst in your aquarium.
    * Your wife has ever had to ask you to move flats of rocks out of the
    * tub so she could take a bath.  Your spelling checker has a vocabulary
    * that includes the words "polymorph" and "pseudomorph".  Your children
    * are named Rocky, Jewel, and Beryl.  You were the only member of the
    * group who spent their time looking at cathedral walls through a
    * pocket magnifier during your trip to Europe.  They won't give you
    * time off from work to attend the Tucson Gem and Mineral Show and you
    * go anyway.  You begin fussing because the light strips you installed
    * on your bookshelves aren't full spectrum.  You've ever purchased an
    * individual, unfaceted rock, regardless of the price.  You've ever
    * spent more than ten dollars for a book about rocks.  You shouted
    * "Obsidian!" to a theater full of movie-goers while watching "The
    * Shawshank Redemption".  The polished slab on your bola tie is six
    * inches in diameter.  You find yourself compelled to examine
    * individual rocks in driveway gravel.  The USGS identifies your
    * collection as a major contributing factor to isostasy in your state.
    * You know the location of every rock shop within a 100 mile radius of
    * your home.  When they haven't seen you for a week, the shop owners
    * send you get well cards.  You're retired and still thinking of adding
    * another room to your house.  Your idea of a "quiet, romantic evening
    * at home" involves blue mineral tack and thumbnail boxes.  You're
    * planning on using a pick and shovel while you're on vacation.  You
    * can point out where Tsumeb is on a world globe.  You think Franklin,
    * New Jersey might be a cool place to go on a vacation.  You associate
    * the word "saw" with diamonds instead of "wood".  You begin wondering
    * what a complete set of the Mineralogical Record is worth.  When you
    * find out, you actually consider paying it.  You've fabricated a
    * backpack for your dog.  You've installed more than one mineralogical
    * database program on your computer.  The baggage handlers at the
    * airport know you by name and refuse to help with your luggage.  You
    * receive a letter from the county informing you a landfill permit is
    * required to put anymore rocks on your property.  Your internet home
    * page has pictures of your rocks.  There's a copy of Dana's Manual
    * next to your toilet.  You still think pet rocks are a pretty neat
    * idea.  You get excited when you discover a hardware store that stocks
    * 16 pound sledge hammers and 5 foot long pry bars.  You debate for
    * months on the internet concerning the relative advantages and
    * drawbacks of vibratory verses drum tumblers.  Your employer has asked
    * you not to bring any more rocks to the office until they have time to
    * reinforce the floor.  You decide not to get married because you'd
    * rather keep the rock.

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From: Jo Schaper <joschapern4ospam#NoSpam.2socketdot.no5net>

You know you are a geologist if

You watch Westerns movies just for the geology. Just watched full of 
sixguns, Saints murder and mayhem about the settling of Utah. Main 
character announced he was heading for the Escalante. "Good," I thought, 
"that's some really neat sandstone and slot canyons."

The Duke is probably rolling over in disgust.

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From: nathan#NoSpam.visi.com

The canonical list of the things to do in a geology exam when you know
you'll fail anyways: (By David Brunsting)

Please send any additions/flames to dbruns77#NoSpam.ursa.calvin.edu

Contributer(s):

Dan Rozman [drozma57#NoSpam.ursa.calvin.edu]


[-----Cut Here-----]

---  For a adament atheist/NON-christian historical geology prof start
every essay question with a sentence like, "This goes against my
fundamentalist christian background because we all know the the Earth is
really only 6000 yrs old so this really didn't happen, but I'll answer it
anyways..."

---  Bring a pick and chisel to the exam and hammer away at any sample of
rock in the room.  If there are no samples, hammer on the chalk-board and
calmly explain to the professor the you MUST do this in order to
understand slate...

---  Bring a quartz crystal and pretend it's your pet.  Ask the x-al exam
questions and every now and then loudly exclaim, "YES! I think you're
right!!!"

---  Use flint to try to set your exam on fire.  If there is no flint in
the room, bring your own.

---  Loudly exclaim after each question, "WOW! THAT'S NEAT!"

---  Pretend to discover gold on a sample in the room that has pyrite on
it.  Run out of the room screaming loudly that you've found gold and how
rich you're going to be so you don't have to take this (colorful
adjective) test.  Then come back into the room and say, "HA! I fooled ALL
of you!"

---  Sing "Plaster Caster" by Kiss as you pulverize a chunk of gypsum.

---  Yell loudly, "Oppressed geology undergrads of the world -
CRYSTALIZE!"

---  Bring a Brunton Compass and inform everyone around you that this
ISN'T the orientation the room was in the last time you were there.  Then
tell them that it is a vicious plot of the geology department to use
tectonic forces to move all to rooms on campus so that everyone will
sucumb to their devious plans to rule the Earth...etc...etc...

---  Bring a stuffed animal that looks really bizarre.  Mid-way through
the exam, walk up to the front like you're in show-n-tell and tell the
class in a cute 5 year old voice about your buddy, "Isogyer."

---  Bring a soft black rock (carbonates, coal, ...etc...etc...)
and write the entire exam with it.

---  Lay on the floor while doing the exam.  When the professor asks what
the heck are you doing, just tell the prof that you're getting closer to
mother Earth so that you'll do better.

---  For a palentology exam, bring bones and beat on the table you are
sitting at while singing "Roll the Bones" by Rush.

---  For an Environmental Studies class walk into the room with an NRA
shirt and begin to inform everybody that they're a bunch of
envronmentalist wackos.

---  Use a petrographic microscope to look at the exam.

---  Bring pulverized sulfur, be creative.

---  Come to the exam late and before you sit down at a desk strike it
with a pick.  Carefully listen to the tone and pretend it isn't right.
Don't sit down until you've tried this with every empty desk at least 3
times each.  After you finally find a place to sit, get up every fifteen
minutes and do it all over again and find another place to sit.

---  When you get the exam, give it back to the professor and tell him to
save the trees.

---  Pull out a decent sized chunk of gypsum and begin to gnaw on it.
Explain that it makes for a great aphrodisiac.

---  Hide small farm animals in specimine drawers.

---  If the test involves topographic maps, put Garfield stickers all over
it...If it's a map of Michigan, put an Elvis stamp on Kalamazoo.

---  Comment on how sexy the professor would look with a pick hanging from
their belt.

---  Run into the room screaming, "OH NO!  IT'S THE GLACIERS!  THEY'RE
COMMING BACK AND THEY'RE PISSED!"

---  Bring a calculator to an essay exam.  Pretend to use it often.

---  Do an imitation of soil creep.  Be sure to include sound effects.

---  Pretend to be blind and act like the only way you can see is by
looking through biotite flakes.

---  Act as though one of the crystals in the room is sucking the life
force out of you.  Just like superman and kryptonite.

---  Become a lithophagic organism.

-Dave

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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>

                       Geology and Mineralology test

Are you a rockhound or rockhead? Test your knowledge of mineral and rock
names by putting one of the names listed below into each blank.

 1. The geologist played poker, but wound up losing his ___________.

 2. The bar where mineralogists break the Ten Commandments is called the
__________ .

 3. If we ____________ rocks, we'll all lose our teeth.

 4. There are four ____________ to the gallon.

 5. "What shall we give Mike?" "Let's give ____________ new  mineral for
his collection!"

 6. Fracture of the ____________ column usually results in paralysis.

 7. All of the talkative geology students were put in one row, soon
christened the "__________".

 8. When Fred Zir was swindled of his jewels, it was called the Great ____________.

 9. You sent her flowers? What a ____________ thing to do.

10. If I don't get this ____________, when someone walks in he'll fall
through to the basement.

11. The mineral that is the very symbol of hunger. ____________

12. The con man tried to ____________ mineralogists with a  fake  ruby, but
he got caught.

13. At the circus, a clown threw a fake rock at another and got a   
____________ in his face.

14. Put Nick's book ____________ shelf where it belongs.

15. A baseball player's favorite gem. ____________

16. If a rube is a type of hick, does it follow that hickeys are
____________? 

17. Says one hip geologist to another, "Hey, that's really __________ man."

18. How to insult a geologist: look into his ear and say,  " ____________"

19. If you drop a rock on your foot while in polite company, you should say
"___________ all!"

20. Of all things, we must never take rocks for ____________.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
a) Albite          f) Diamond          k) Gneiss          p) Quartz
b) Apatite         g) Fluorite         l) Gypsum          q) Rubies
c) Chert           h) Gabbro           m) Mica            r) Scheelite
d) Cinnabar        i) Garnet           n) Onyx            s) Spinel
e) Coal            j) Granite          o) Pyrite          t) Zircon
---------------------------------------


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December 30
April 21
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything
about it."  - Mark Twain (US writer, 1835-1910)

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From: Scot Nelson <napuumaia#NoSpam.flex.com>
I studied geology in college, but found the core curriculum was too deep.

From: "Sheila Dundee" <sheilaD#NoSpam.chariot.net.au>
So no *magma cum laude* for you then?

From: Steve J
When I took geology, I went through a metamorphosis.  I really dig the
subject.

From: J. A. Mc. <xxxxx#NoSpam.lvdi.net>
We had a great Prof., the course rocked.

From: "Kha'tie" <katietakeoutpostma#NoSpam.home.com>
Shale I tell you about my college days?  I sometimes take them for granite.

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From: "David Ames" <worldrecord#NoSpam.juno.com>

A geology student ranked first in his class.  He graduated magma cum lava.

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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
California has its faults.

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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Geologist -- Fault finder

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From: Sarah Angier (Sangier77#NoSpam.AOL.COM)

TOTAL IMMERSION GEOLOGISTS
Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so,
then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are the ten warning signs:
1) You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use
rather than their food.
2) You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in:
    "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?"
    "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society
of America?"
3) The only thing you notice about attractive members of the opposite sex is
the stone in their jewelry.
4) You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue
looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.
5) You like rock music only because it's called "rock" music.
6) You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better
look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.
7) You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop
on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're
parked on.
8) You name your children after rocks and minerals.
9) You're not sure if you have children.
10) You view non-geologists as subhuman.

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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni#NoSpam.pop.dcn.davis.ca.us>
Basalt: Salted sheep.

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From: "jgsab" <jgsab#NoSpam.netzero.net>
To be written on the bathroom wall of the GLY bldg:
 
Gneiss schist from upper Jurassic!

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak
Why are geologists unhappy?
People take them for granite. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak
What do you call a geologist who doesn't hear anything?
Stone deaf (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak
When are geologists unpopular?
When they are fault-finders. (Joseph Rosenbloom)

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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak
Upper crust- A lot of crumbs held together with dough. (Geoff Tibballs) 

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
The geology student flunked his rocks exam because he took it for granite.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)  

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
How did everyone know the volcano was angry?
Because it was fuming. (Mike Artell)

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From: Raphael Jesus <hercullessrj#NoSpam.yahoo.com>

Why did the Geologist get expelled by the School House Marm?
 
.... he couldn't keep a clean slate!
 
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School?
 
... he was a dirty layer!
 
Why did the Geologist win top prize in the Military Prep School Parade?
 
... because he had that Drill down.
 
What state do Geologists live in?
 
...Ochrehoma.
 
Why did the Geologist win first place in the Braille contest?
 
...because he had a great Feeled Test.
 
What do a Geologist and a Clairvoyant have in common?
 
... they both are great Remote Sensing experts.
 
 
Need any more bad puns?
Email me the subject and I'll make some up on the spot for you! After all,
I am very Igneous. (Ingenious spelled as a dyslexic, probably a joke in
there somewhere?)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
Fanatic Californians overlook its faults. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
Where do geologists like to relax?
In a rocking chair (Betty Debnam)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
"Gonna take a sedimental journey," said the geologist. (Bob Dvorak)

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Subject: Geology Joke #1
From: The Geologist <stoney#NoSpam.rocks.com>

Why did the man refuse to eat the the rock samples of Fluorapatite, 
Chlorapatite, and Hydroxylapatite?

He did'nt have much of an Apatite

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From: "Brian" <brianarc#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Why was the Stripper at the Geologist's Stag Party called "spathic"?

- 'cause she had really good "cleavage".

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From: The Geologist <stoney#NoSpam.rocks.com>

Why did the biker carry a large piece of an extrusive, pyrclastic, igneous 
rock composed chiefly of volcanic ash as on his motorcycle?

He wanted to act tuff.

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak

 	Geologists may
 	Seem picky, girls, but love's just
 	A stone's pro away!
 		(John S. Crosbie)

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
"It's no one's fault the earth shook," Tom quaked after shock
 	diminished. (Stan Kegel) 

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From: "Maddy Rosamond" <numicus_min#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

If male geologists are saying "no more Mr. Gneiss Guy", female geologists
are "sugar and spice and everything gneiss."

- Dolly Might

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From: renan.birck#NoSpam.gmail.com

"Geologists like to roll rocks, er, rock'n'roll all night."


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Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

From: "steve kay" <stevekay#NoSpam.xs4all.nl>

Geotechnical Engineer Recognition
You are probably a soils engineer if you:
*look at excavations instead of shops
*can convert gpm to l/s without a calculator
*start counting "1-2-3.." when a pile driver starts up
*tell your beach partner whether the sand is fine, medium or coarse
*and can also explain why it dries out under your feet
*get upset in cinemas when somebody disappears completely into quicksand
*object to geologists calling clay "soft shale" 
*have seen the movie "Armageddon" more than once
*associate "centrifuge" with soils research rather than the kitchen
*suspect liquefaction when you drop a bag of flour onto the kitchen floor
*and mutter "thixotropy" when you shake tomato ketchup
*can explain why the Tower of Pisa leans - and what they are doing to fix it
*jump on the ground to feel whether itís clay or peat
*think of a deep pit in the ground when hearing a discussion about "block
sampling" 
*suspect the variability of the soil layers when you hit a bump in the road
*worry about future cracks in your house when planting a tree in your garden
*want to pick up a lump of clay and squeeze it through your fingers
*UU, CPT, CAUC, CAUE, DSS really mean something to you
*insist on Ticino sand for your children's playground
*associate PMT with in-situ soil testing rather than female distress
*think the equation σí = σ - u (or o = σ + u for FEA) is
really cool 
*think of sand rather than hair loss when someone says "Baldi"
*sniff dirt and say "Hmmm" or "Ah Ha"
*know how many kPa you exert when standing on one foot
*explain the cause of various pavement failures to the passengers in your car
*once took a hand auger home to see what was in your back yard
*get upset when people use "silt" or "mud" for any soil on the seabed
*think that others are interested in our explanations about suction and
sandcastles 
*think that you are cooler than a structural engineer, because your
materials are "always different"  - when in fact to the rest of the world
we are just as boring 
*think that the most exciting thing on a trip to Scandinavia is not the
blonde girls but "quick clay" 
*spend 30 euros a month on broadband to download CRISP 
*have designed an offshore foundation using a number derived from rolling
out a lump of mud and a bucket-load of correlations.

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From: "Jack Shore" <jackshore#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Its Sedimentary my dear Watson


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From: Nancy Dobson <nancybrian45#NoSpam.yahoo.co.uk>
December 25
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes

Igneous Rock

(tune: Jingle Bell Rock)
 
Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Volcanic magma waiting to pop
Bubbling and brewing up bushels of fun
Now eruption time has begun
 
Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Lava starts flowing; boy, is it hot!
Molten, then cooling in crystalline layers
In the frosty air
 
Sedimentary
Elementary
In all tectonic plates
Metamorphic
We're euphoric
To find that pressure
Turned the shale into slate
 
Silica makes up a rock holding quartz
Basalt and granite blocks
A-mix and a-mingle
And Vesuvian shock
That's the Igneous Rock
 
Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Extrusive forms when magma is hot
Rising up from the depths of the Earthís core
Onto the surface or on the sea floor
 
Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Intrusive feldspar is found a lot
Crystallised slowly with grains you can spy
With the naked eye
 
Sedimentary
Elementary
In all tectonic plates
Metamorphic
We're euphoric
To find that pressure
Turned the shale into slate
 
Igneous, Igneous, Igneous Rock
Rocking around the clock
A-mix and a-mingle
And a volcanic block
Thatís the Igneous
Thatís the Igneous
Thatís the Igneous Rock



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