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From: Ralph F. Couey (ralph.couey#NoSpam.gmail.com) How come it never rains inside a barn? It's a stable atmosphere. What did the Irish meteorologist name the stream behind his house? The Mary O'Donnell Flow What do meterologists get after a long night of tequila and bad tacos? Rear flank downdrafts. Why did the meteorologist paint a big blue "L" on his house? He wanted to be an area of low pressure. If Jeff Foxworthy had invented the WISR-99, what might he have called it? Necks Red Radar. What do they call the main conference room at The Weather Channel? The Topical Convergence Zone. What do meteorologists call a row of martinis? The Dry Line. Where do meteorologists go after work? The Milli-Bar. What happens at the Milli-Bar? Downpours. What if the Milli-Bar was at zero degrees latitude? It would then be the Equatorial Trough. What happens when meteorologists get a promotion? They get caught in an updraft. What happens when a male meteorologist forgets his anniversary? An approaching cold front with explosive storm development. What do you call a meteorologist super hero? Adiabatman What does a meteorologist call a Harley Davidson showroom? Chromosphere. What do meteorologists call PMS? Conditional instability. What meteorological condition is known as a "Marie Antoinette?" Cut-off High What meteorological condition is known as a "John Bobbit?" Cut-off low. What does a meteorolgist cry before he tees off? Fore-cast!
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From: Ralph F. Couey (ralph.couey#NoSpam.gmail.com) Did you here about the meteorologist who became Emperor of the South Pole? He had a Freezing Reign. Who cuts a meteorologist's hair? A Canadian Clipper. Why do meteorologists like to eat snow pellets? They have a sleet tooth. Why is the DEA suspicious of meteorologists? They keep talking about Canadian Highs. Why did the Puerto Rican Meteorologist go for counseling? He had a tropical depression. What's the difference between a politician and a Santa Ana Wind? Is there one? What does a meteorologist's wife call the point at which the force of nagging overcomes the inertia of a day off? The "Do" point. What is the only sound heard by a meteorologist in love? A Beau echo. What do you call a meteorologist who uses a psychic? The Weather Channeler. What do you call a group of NEXRAD experts? Dopplergangers. How do meteorologists coats wear out? They develop Gore-Tex breakdown. What do you call meteorologist DNA? Supercells. What's different about a meteorologist's dandruff? Crystalline flake structure. Why do teenage boys want to become meteorologists? Because they get to work with weather models.
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Februari 3 Special Category: Old scientists never die... From: Tim.Nelson#NoSpam.Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just) OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
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From: Wayne Watson <mtnviews#NoSpam.earthlink.net> A George Carlin joke Thanks to the sharp eyes of a Minnesota man, it is possible that two identical snowflakes may finally have been observed. While out snowmobiling, Oley Skotchgaard noticed snowflake that looked familiar to him. Searching his memory, he realized it was identical to a snowflake he had seen as a child in Vermont. Weather experts, while excited, caution that the match-up will be difficult to verify.
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From: Tim Vasquez <tim#NoSpam.weathergraphics.com>
The Tao of Forecasting
Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting alone and
unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is the source
of all forecasting knowledge. It has no name, so we call it the Tao.
1 If the chart is seen, the surface form is seen.
If the Tao is seen, then the underlying form is seen.
Then there is truly harmony.
2 The foolish forecaster is told about Tao and laughs at it.
The average forecaster is told about Tao and searches for it.
The wise forecaster is told about Tao and follows it.
3 A novice asked the Master Forecaster: "Sometimes my forecast verifies,
and other times it doesn't. I have followed the model guidance, yet I am
totally baffled. What is the reason for this?"
The Master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand
Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from the atmosphere. Why do you
expect this from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers simulate
determinism; yet Tao arises from chaos. Therefore, you must contemplate Tao
before you receive Enlightenment."
"But how will I know when I have received Enlightenment?" asked the novice.
"Your forecasts will be perfect," replied the Master.
4 A great storm was bearing down on the village. Pompous Forecaster was
intently studying the radar with Novice, while the Master Forecaster was
meditating in his chair.
Said Pompous Forecaster, "Come over here and see this radar image. Notice
the hook shape on this storm. Notice the mid-level mesocyclone
alert. Notice the appearance of high VIL values. Surely there will be a
tornado. We should take cover now."
The Master Forecaster said. "There will be no tornado." He then resumed
meditating.
Pompous Forecaster was stunned. "You fool! The facts are right here on the
screen. Do you not see?"
The Master ignored him.
It came to pass that the storm moved away, with no tornado. The Novice
confronted the Master in private. "Please enlighten me, Great Master. How
did you know there would be no tornado?"
"Do you see the window over there? Look through it, Novice, and there you
will find Tao."
5 There once was a Master Forecaster who consulted computer models in
detail. Often he shook his head mightily and cried out in disgust. Often he
tapped the chart in silent approval.
The Novice, seeking to imitate him, also began to consult computer models,
either crying out or tapping the chart in approval.
When Novice asked the Master to evaluate his progress, the Master
criticized him: "What is appropriate for the Master is not appropriate for
the novice. You must understand Tao before transcending beyond the real
atmosphere."
6 Taking a break from his forecast, the Student Forecaster said: "Master,
what is Enlightenment?"
Said Master Forecaster: "Enlightenment is complete attention on reality
itself, instead of focusing on our intellectual and emotional reactions to
reality. Reality is the ever-changing, ever-growing, indefinable something
known as the atmosphere."
The Student held up the 500 millibar chart: "But how does that help me with
this?"
The Master said: "Ignorance is studying the chart. Enlightenment is
studying the atmosphere on the chart."
Feeling the humid breeze which wafted through the open door of the forecast
office, Student and Master meditated on this.
7 Said the Student: "Show me the way to Enlightenment."
The Master dug through a pile of weather charts and pulled out a satellite
photo. "Do you see this image?"
"Yes."
"Enter here."
8 "All this Enlightenment stuff is nonsense," said the Bureaucrat.
"You are perfectly correct," responded the Master Forecaster. "But this is
a teaching I normally reserve for only my most advanced students."
9 Master and Student stood outside the forecast office, admiring a
beautiful mammatus display underneath a thunderstorm anvil.
Said Student: "Is there anything more miraculous than the wonders of nature?"
Said Master: "Yes. Your appreciation of those wonders."
10 Said the Master: "When Student depends on numerical models, it is like
chasing his own shadow. It makes Student healthy, fit, and enthusiastic,
yet all the time he is running away from the sun."
11 A renowned Professor once visited the Master to learn about
Enlightenment. "Let us see the weather patterns," said the Professor.
The Master sat at his weather analysis computer, began with a blank weather
chart, and pulled up hundreds of transparent overlays, turning the map into
a chaotic sea of green. The Professor cried for him to clear the screen and
start again.
Said the Master: "The screen is full of weather maps and can hold no
more. In the same way your mind is full of ideas and there is no room for
my teachings, unless you empty it."
12 The Master's student was wrestling with a difficult weather
forecast. Finally he stood up and said: "Master, surely Tao is not to be
found in this ETA forecast. Yet it says this trough will open and lift
northeastward. I have found Tao in my analysis, but how may I find Tao
within my forecast if harmony within the ETA forecast is not known?"
The Master replied: "Student, you have answered your own question. You are
looking for harmony within the pieces but not for harmony between the
whole."
Suddenly the student was enlightened.
13 Bureaucrat went to the Master Forecaster and showed him the requirements
to forecast for the Superbowl.
He asked the Master: "How long will it take to produce a forecast if I
assign five forecasters to the task?"
"It will take three hours," said the Master promptly.
"But we need a more timely forecast! How long will it take if I assign ten
forecasters to it?"
The Master Forecaster frowned. "In that case, it will take two days."
"And what if I assign a hundred forecasters to it?"
The Master Forecaster shrugged. "Then the forecast will never be completed."
14 The Master and Novice were sitting on a rock in the park. Energized by
the sun, the Novice said: "Master, enlighten me so that I may find harmony
in my forecasts."
The Master pointed. "Look. Do you see that old man? A friend told me that
he would climb Mount Xianjing tomorrow and stay up on the summit all night,
drinking wine and carousing. Do you agree he will do this tomorrow?"
Said the Novice: "I do not know. True, I could accept your friend's
opinion, but I would want to go over right now and talk to this man, ask
him questions, and understand him thoroughly before I could answer for
certain."
"You have been enlightened," said the Master.
15 Said the Master Forecaster:
"A well-developed analysis is its own Heaven;
A poorly-developed forecast is its own Hell."
16 Much to the dismay of the Master, the forecasters in the weather office
eagerly accepted the duty to devise an immediate forecast for the Emperor's
anniversary ceremony, ten days away. Many of the forecasters argued to use
the MRF, while others insisted that the ECMWF should be followed.
In a flash of insight, the student blurted, "Let us combine both models!"
The Master suddenly came forth and reprimanded the student with a
stick. "Novice! Enough nonsense. Come with me and let us meditate."
The two went outside into the rock garden. The Master said, "Let us sit
over here, where we cannot possibly be bothered by the blacksmith's smoke."
The two went to a corner of the garden and sat in silence, relaxing their
minds and staring into the sky, contemplating its great mysteries.
After much time had passed, a small cloud of smoke from the blacksmith's
fire wafted over and choked both Master and student. Suddenly the student
was enlightened.
17 The Master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all meteorology -- regardless of how
insignificant," said the Master.
"Is the Tao in a stratocumulus cloud?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a SKEW-T diagram?" asked the novice.
"It is even in a SKEW-T diagram," said the Master.
"Is the Tao in a numerical forecast model?" asked the novice.
The Master gently cleared his throat and stood up. "The lesson is over for
today."
18 Prince Li's forecaster was analyzing a map. His pencil danced upon the
weather map. His forecasts had always been faultless.
"I am astonished!" the Prince exclaimed. "Your technique is faultless!"
"Technique?" said the Master, turning from his map. "What I follow is Tao
-- beyond all techniques! When I first began to forecast, I would see
before me the atmosphere on separate charts. After three years, I no longer
saw this. Instead, I saw the atmosphere blended together from all of the
different charts, combined in three dimensions within my mind. Now I see
nothing. My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My
spirit, free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct while I put
pencil to paper and sift through the charts. In short, my forecast produces
itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I
slow down, I watch silently. Then I focus, use all of the tools available
to me, and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then
complete the forecast. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my
being. I close my eyes for a moment and then go home."
Prince Li said, "If only all of my forecasters were as wise!"
19 The Novice held up a chart for the Master. He said, "This ETA chart
shows that the CAPE over here will be quite large, but I do not understand
this, because the dryline should mix rapidly eastward."
The Master disappeared and came back with a glass of iced tea for the
Novice. "This is to help you think."
The Novice bowed deeply, took the tea, and sipped it. He looked at it,
thought, and sipped it again. He said, "Master, did you sweeten my drink
with Equal?"
"Ah, Student. Your senses tell you that it is not sugar! Is it not good?"
"Yes, Master, it is good. It is very much like sugar and sweetens my drink
nicely."
"And is it a perfect substitute for sugar?"
The Novice looked at his chart and suddenly was enlightened.
20 A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges.
These are the truths of the Tao of Forecasting.
21 When a forecaster computes stability indices, he sees the sounding
within man-made constructs.
Truly, this is not the Tao of Forecasting.
When a forecaster studies the sounding, he sees the underlying form.
Truly, this is the Tao of Forecasting.
22 Computer met Capitalist on the road to Changtse. Computer said: "You are
Yin and I am Yang. Together we will find Tao, redefine the science of
forecasting, and obtain vast sums of funding." And so they set forth
together, thinking to conquer the world. Presently, they met Hand Plotted
Chart, who was dressed in tattered rags and hobbled along propped on a
thorny stick. Hand Plotted Chart said to them: "I have seen Tao, and it
lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It
does not seek money; therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek
to teach, for those only those who desire it can find it. It does not seek
enlightenment, for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and
time." Computer and Capitalist, ashamed, returned to their homes.
http://www.weathergraphics.com/tao.htm
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From: Josh Phillips <j.phillips#NoSpam.msim.org.uk> Hurricane Michelle and El Nino are having a drink in a bar. 'I'm so tough' boasts Michelle, 'I can devastate entire island economies and cause multimillion dollar damage to the eastern seaboard'. 'That's nada' dismisses El Nino. 'I can cause flooding in deserts, the dessication of rainforests. Entire ecosystems thrive or die at my mere whim. The economies of nations are subject to my vacillations'. Upon which a small north atlantic low pressure system enters the bar, precipitating meekly on the floor. Hurricane Michelle and El Nino dive for cover behind the bar, trembling. 'What's up with you?' jeers the barman, 'I thought you two were the toughest meteorological phenomena in town!'. 'We're tough' wails El Nino, piteously, 'but he's cyclonic!'
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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Meteorology Test
Test your knowledge of the weather processes by filling each blank with one
of the terms listed below.
1. Which of my deer pictures has he ripped? Oh, no! He's ______!
2. "Hello!" ______ the weatherman. (Previously he had been raining.)
3. "He really believes his theories on severe thunderstorms." "Yes, he is
a man of strong ______."
4. Meteorologist on Broadway: "There's ______ business like show business..."
5. Given a choice, a weatherman always enters by the ______ door.
6. "To ______ is human, to forgive, divine."
7. Past participle of "to clow". ______
8. I've been debating ______ or not to be a meteorologist.
9. The study of the properties of light in an evil medium is called ______.
10. It is sometimes difficult to ______ with the difficulties of cold
rain formation.
11. When the Queen served tea, it was observed that she not only ______,
but she pours.
12. Knowledge of thunderstorm mechanics can often be en-______.
13. I hate water condensation problems! I never know what to ______.
14. When Cy had a duplicate made of himself, it was called the ______.
15. The weatherman puttered in his garden, using his ______ to dig out
the weeds.
16. Exhortation used to promote speed from Cain. ______
17. The ______ in this restaurant is terrible.
18. A large vehicle suitable for carrying nims. ______
19. Fred was warned about how slippery it was. When he fell, he said
"______ what you mean!"
20. The most common name of women from the Windy City. ______
---------------------------------------------------------------
a) Air f) Dew k) Hurricane p) Snow
b) Cirrus g) Front l) Icy q) Synoptics
c) Cloud h) Gale m) Lightning r) Tornado
d) Convections i) Graupel n) Nimbus s) Trowal
e) Cyclone j) Hailed o) Rains t) Weather
---------------------------------------------------------------
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From: Stan Jensen Rejected Hurricane Names: "Weird Hurricane" Yankovic Hurri-- [Shut yo' mouth!] Just talkin' 'bout the Hurricane! Hurricane "Used To Be Big and Scary But Now Means I'll Get a Big Fat Check When My Stilt House Falls in the Ocean" Hurricane Doodyhead Hurricane Finethenyouthinkafunnyoneupsmartass Hurricane Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me Hurricane Hurricane-Ghali Hurricane I Got Your Coordinates Right Here, Weather Boy Hurricane Kenny G. (not very strong, but man, does it blow!) Hurricane Le Petomaine Hurricane List Hurricane Paul Wellstone (D-MN) Hurricane Spanky Hurricane whatever name that poor Corporate Name Kid on eBay gets stuck with Ben Hurricane His-and-Hurricane Horatio Homeblower Hurric*N SYNC Hurricane Carter got NOTHIN' on dis storm! Hurricane Chester Hurricane Cruz-Cruise Hurricane Darkoth the Unspeakable Hurricane Deja Vu Hurricane FEMA form 81-93 Hurricane HE PUTS KRAZY GLUE ON HIS PENIS !!!! THAT'S PURE COMEDY GOLD, BABY! Hurricane J-Lo Pressure Center Hurricane Jackass Hurricane Jar Jar Hurricane Menthol (Brought to you by the good folks at Philip Morris!) Hurricane Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Hurricane The Wind Done Gone Hurricane Two-Thousand Dollar Deductible Hurricane bin Laden Jesus H(urricane) Christ THFKATD - The Hurricane Formerly Known as a Tropical Depression Hurricane Those Who Don't Learn From History Are Doomed to Repeat It H. Diddy McHurricane with Cheese Hurricane Burricane Banana-Fana Fo Furricane Hurricane Nancy Boy HURR1C4N3 1337 S70RM 0WNs j00!!!1! Hurricane Episode II: Attack of the Cloned Bad List Al "The Hurricane" Roker Hurricane Carolina Bane, Destroyer of Outer Banks, Leveler of Cape Hatteras, Marauder of the Tropics, Lord of All Low Pressure Systems Hurricane Honky: A Spike Lee Joint Hurricane Jenna "Hurricane Oprah touched down this morning, leaving in its path of destruction thousands of husbands and boyfriends wandering the streets in their pajamas, carrying hastily-packed suitcases, wondering just what the hell they did wrong *this* time." Hurricane-the-Pooh Tropical Storm Joe C. Hurricane Zoloft (Do not take Hurricane Zoloft unless prescribed by a doctor for Tropical Depression. Hurricane Zoloft should not be taken if you are pregnant, nursing, or taking MAO inhibitors. Hurricane Zoloft may cause dizziness and sexual side-effects.) Mr. Wheezy That Hurricane, Ms. Lewinsky Hurricane Mamet... You F*ck! Hurricane MariahBrain and the Number 1 Rejected Hurricane Name... Hurricane Help I'm Trapped In an Internet Humor Sweatshop Please Send Help
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From: herb#NoSpam.herbtyson.com (Herb Tyson) In this morning's 5 am discussion of Hurricane Isabel (17-SEP-2003), an honest meteorologist hedges: THE NEAR-UNANIMOUS GUIDANCE MAKES THIS A HIGH CONFIDENCE FORECAST...BUT THOSE AWAY FROM THE FORECAST TRACK SHOULD NOT LET DOWN THEIR GUARD JUST IN CASE THE GUIDANCE PROVES TO BE UNANIMOUSLY WRONG.
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