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Special Category: Definitions and terms
mathematics
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April 5 December 4 Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679, English philosopher) In Geometry (which is the only science that it hath pleased God hitherto to bestow on mankind) men begin at settling the significations of their words; wich ... they call Definitions. (In: Leviathan (1651)
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From: davep <davep#NoSpam.quik.com> Scientist: A specialist in signs.
physics chemistry biology
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From 8643mrail%umbsky.dnet#NoSpam.ns.umb.edu Sat Oct 16 04:20:01 1999 From somewhere at UMass/Lowell THE LAST WORD The Ultimate Scientific Dictionary Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee. Atomic Theory: A mythological explanation of the nature of matter, first proposed by the ancient Greeks, and now thoroughly discredited by modern computer simulation. Attempts to verify the theory by modern computer simulation have failed. Instead, it has been demonstrated repeatedly that computer outputs depend upon the color of the programmer's eyes, or occasionally upon the month of his or her birth. This apparent astrological connection, at last, vindicates the alchemist's view of astrology as the mother of all science. Bacon, Roger: An English friar who dabbled in science and made experimentation fashionable. Bacon was the first science popularizer to make it big on the banquet and talk-show circuit, and his books even outsold the fad diets of the period. Biological Science: A contradiction in terms. Bunsen Burner: A device invented by Robert Bunsen (1811-1899) for brewing coffee in the laboratory, thereby enabling the chemist to be poisoned without having to go all the way to the company cafeteria. Butyl: An unpleasant-sounding word denoting an unpleasant- smelling alcohol. CAI: Acronym for "Computer-Aided Instruction". The modern system of training professional scientists without ever exposing them to the hazards and expense of laboratory work. Graduates of CAI-based programs are very good at simulated research. Cavendish: A variety of pipe tobacco that is reputed to produce remarkably clear thought processes, and thereby leads to major scientific discoveries; hence, the name of a British research laboratory where the tobacco is smoked in abundance. Chemical: A substance that: 1) An organic chemist turns into a foul odor; 2) an analytical chemist turns into a procedure; 3) a physical chemist turns into a straight line; 4) a biochemist turns into a helix; 5) a chemical engineer turns into a profit. Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun. Chromatography: (From Gr. chromo [color] + graphos [writing]) The practice of submitting manuscripts for publication with the original figures drawn in non-reproducing blue ink. Clinical Testing: The use of humans as guinea pigs. (See also PHAR- MACOLOGY and TOXICOLOGY) Compound: To make worse, as in: 1) A fracture; 2) the mutual adulteration of two or more elements. Computer Resources: The major item of any budget, allowing for the acquisition of any capital equipment that is obsolete before the purchase request is released. Eigen Function: The use to which an eigen is put. En: The universal bidentate ligand used by coordination chemists. For years, efforts were made to use ethylene- diamine for this purpose, but chemists were unable to squeeze all the letters between the corners of the octahedron diagram. The timely invention of en in 1947 revolutionized the science. Evaporation Allowance: The volume of alcohol that the graduate students can drink in a year's time. Exhaustive Methylation: A marathon event in which the participants methylate until they drop from exhaustion. First Order Reaction: The reaction that occurs first, not always the one desired. For example, the formation of brown gunk in an organic prep. Flame Test: Trial by fire. Genetic Engineering: A recent attempt to formalize what engineers have been doing informally all along. Grignard: A fictitious class of compounds often found on organic exams and never in real life. Inorganic Chemistry: That which is left over after the organic, analytical, and physical chemists get through picking over the periodic table. Mercury: (From L. Mercurius, the swift messenger of the gods) Element No. 80, so named because of the speed of which one of its compounds (calomel, Hg2Cl2) goes through the human digestive tract. The element is perhaps misnamed, because the gods probably would not be pleased by the physiological message so delivered. Monomer: One mer. (Compare POLYMER). Natural Product: A substance that earns organic chemists fame and glory when they manage to systhesize it with great difficulty, while Nature gets no credit for making it with great ease. Organic Chemistry: The practice of transmuting vile substances into publications. Partition Function: The function of a partition is to protect the lab supervisor from shrapnel produced in laboratory explosions. Pass/Fail: An attempt by professional educators to replace the traditional academic grading system with a binary one that can be handled by a large digital computer. Pharmacology: The use of rabbits and dogs as guinea pigs. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, TOXICOLOGY). Physical Chemistry: The pitiful attempt to apply y=mx+b to everything in the universe. Pilot Plant: A modest facility used for confirming design errors before they are built into a costly, full-scale production facility. Polymer: Many mers. (Compare MONOMERS). Prelims: (From L. pre [before] + limbo [oblivion]) An obligatory ritual practiced by graduate students just before the granting of a Ph.D. (if the gods are appeased) or an M.S. (if they aren't). Publish or Perish: The imposed, involuntary choice between fame and oblivion, neither of which is handled gracefully by most faculty members. Purple Passion: A deadly libation prepared by mixing equal volumes of grape juice and lab alcohol. Quantum Mechanics: A crew kept on the payroll to repair quantums, which decay frequently to the ground state. Rate Equations: (Verb phrase) To give a grade or a ranking to a formula based on its utility and applicability. H=E, for example, applies to everything everywhere, and therefore rates an A. pV=nRT, on the other hand, is good only for nonexistent gases and thus receives only a D+, but this grade can be changed to a B- if enough empirical virial coefficients are added. Research: (Irregular noun) That which I do for the benefit of humanity, you do for the money, he does to hog all the glory. Sagan: The international unit of humility. Scientific Method: The widely held philosophy that a theory can never be proved, only disproved, and that all attempts to explain anything are therefore futile. SI: Acronym for "Systeme Infernelle". Spectrophotometry: A long word used mainly to intimidate freshman nonmajors. Spectroscope: A disgusting-looking instrument used by medical specialists to probe and examine the spectrum. Toxicology: The wholesale slaughter of white rats bred especially for that purpose. (See also CLINICAL TESTING, PHARMACOLOGY). X-Ray Diffraction: An occupational disorder common among physicians, caused by reading X-ray pictures in darkened rooms for prolonged periods. The condition is readily cured by a greater reliance on blood chemistries; the lab results are just as inconclusive as the X-rays, but are easier to read. Ytterbium: A rare and inconsequential element, named after the village of Ytterby, Sweden (not to be confused with Iturbi, the late pianist and film personality, who was actually Spanish, not Swedish). Ytterbium is used mainly to fill block 70 in the periodic table. Iturbi was used mainly to play Jane Powell's father.
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October 10 From: labonnes#NoSpam.csc.albany.edu (S. LaBonne), fbecker#NoSpam.dtic.dla.mil (Francoise Becker), weitzen#NoSpam.temp10.physics.uiuc.edu (Scott Weitzenhoffer), BUTTHEAD#NoSpam.TRASHCAN.ESCAPE.DE (Matthias Grohmann), Kelvin Mok (klmok#NoSpam.shaw.wave.ca) POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -Bierce --------------------------------units and dimensions------------- 2 monograms 1 diagram 8 nickles 2 paradigms 2 wharves 1 paradox 10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles 1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit 1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship 10^6phones =1 megaphone 10^-6phones = 1 microphone 10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone 10^-12los = 1 picolo 10^9los = 1 gigalo 10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo 2PhDs = 1 paradox 52 cards = 1 decacard (deck of) 0.1 mate = 1 decimate 10^3 sions = 1 konfusion Originals from Kelvin Mok: 1 sion = 10 decisions 10^6 maniacs = 1 megalomaniac 10 monologues = 1 decalogue 10 dances = 1 decadance 500 bicycles = 1 kilocycle 10^3wontons = 1 kiloton 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds = 10 meal-units in Italy Q: What is one-trillionth of a surprise? A: A pico-boo.
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From: lpdavies#NoSpam.bc.seflin.org (Leslie Paul Davies) 6.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 2 pints = 1 Cavort Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 6 Curses = 1 Hexahex 3500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 1 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 1 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 1 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 1000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 2.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 2000 pounds of chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 10 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 8 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton to 1 meter per second One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 10 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 1000 pains = 1 Megahertz 1 Word = 1 Millipicture 1 Sagan = Billions & Billions 1 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes
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From: Frank McCoy <mccoyf#NoSpam.millcomm.com> Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong 1000000 aches: 1 megahurtz 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin 10 rations: 1 decoration 8 nickels: 2 paradigms 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
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From: brom#NoSpam.yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (David Bromage) Scientific terms made easy by Dr. Rudolf Kingslake. Calculus of residues: how to clean up a bathtub ring. Catoptric: A feline eye. Coma: Italian, multi toothed device for arranging ones hair. Commutator: A student who drives to school. Conic Section: Funny paper Corona: An officer who enquires into the manner of violent death Cosine: The opposite of stop sign Cusp: To use porfane language Exit pupil: A retiring student Flux: Past participle of "to flex" Gram: to review for examinations Graph: Principle item of bovine diet Ground state: Coffee before brewing. Harmonic function: concert Hermitian operator: recluse surgeon Humbug: noisy wire tap Hypotenuse: Animal like rhinoceros but with no horn on nose Len: Singular of lens. One surface optical instrument. Marginal ray: A ray of doubtful origin. Millimetre: A bug like a centimetre but with more legs Normal solution: The wrong answer Orifice: Headquarters or place of business Paradox: Two PhDs Polygon: An ex-parrot Poynting vector: A redundant term since all vectors point Spectra: Female ghost Sphere: A long pointed weapon Spin Operator: Owner of a ferris wheel
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From: sbaker#NoSpam.oro.net (Steve Baker) Samples of puns --er, misdefinitions --you'll find buried deep inside the "Ask Dr. Science" website -- http://www.drscience.com Ferric: ironic Genetic Code: Another name for so-called "Code of the West," exemplified by actor Autry. Kilogram: what scientists send instead of postcards Modulation: how the Golden Rule says we should do all things Semiconductor: part-time musician Bunsen Burner: the only safe method of Bunsen disposal Antidote: a brief, amusing story Fission: what atoms do for fun Hertz: prime ingredient in donuts Lecithin: Fat lite Neuron: What we'll need when Ron retires Parallax: Future perfect tense of paralyzed From: jhd#NoSpam.Radix.Net (Joseph Davidson) ass-toroid: mathematical name of a toilet seat? From: charlie#NoSpam.fia.net (charlie) High-tech consumer items Oedepus pyrex: Used for test tube babies Crater Ade: For thirsty moon walkers Quark Bars: Sweetness and 'charm' Bermuda Triangles: Diet breakfast cereal that makes pounds disappear without a trace Ether Oar: Small positioning thruster used by NASA Preparation A: Used to relieve the pain and suffering of asteroids Suture Self: Home medical kit
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From: MMandelbaum#NoSpam.edgewater.com 602.3 mice = miracle enough to stagger moles of infidels (with a nod to Walt Whitman)
engineering
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From: badour#NoSpam.umich.edu (Paul Badour)
Special Category: Top Reasons
Top 26 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it
delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere
with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
- Come to my office, I've screwed up again.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken. From: sapient#NoSpam.pearwood.demon.co.uk (Barny
Shergold)
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE
- I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS...
- Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-
GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS
- I don't know.
From: "Little Frank" <fkubat#NoSpam.ticnet.com>
24. FAX ME THE DATA.
- I'm too lazy to write it down.
25. WE ARE FOLLOWING THE STANDARD!
- That's the way we have always done it!
26. I DIDN'T GET YOUR E-MAIL.
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Credulous - having views about the world, the universe and humanity's place in it that are shared only by very unsophisticated people and by the most intelligent and advanced mathematicians and physicists.
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From: "James Maxwell" <jmaxw#NoSpam.mail.com> 10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings): 1. This book is very commonly used (I also studied from it 40 years ago) 2. It's important to understand what the material means in general (I'm not good with details) 3. Some might say... (My guess is...) 4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus (I don't know the answer to your question) 5. We'll discuss that question next week (I don't know the answer to your question) 6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out (I don't know how to spell that word) 7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test (You all failed) 8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson? (Did any of you review the material as I asked?) 9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups (I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy) 10. The homework is due on Monday (Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)
mathematics
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From: "david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
Many Terms By Hugo Lowenstein
a lurking variable is a sneaky variable!
feedback loop: a loop which gives comments on the website!
significant figs: important fruit!
Modular Form: A mathematical object with a special function, which can be easily put together with other mathematical objects, and assembled. All modular forms are interchangeable. Professor Moubius invented these forms because they use Moubius transforms.
A professor cannot proclaim an Explicit Formula in the classroom since it is dirty!
personal equation: Polly Nomial's own equation!
Polynomial Space, (Polly's personal space) series space, (where numerals play base ball!) function space, (where numerals hang out) and complex space! (The psychologist's office!) Sequence space: where numerals are on the highway
My own stupid thing!
"Oort! Pluto is a kuiper object!
Now that's getting Kuiperer and kuiperer...!"
Spherical coordinates-a well-rounded coordinate system!
Mathematical function: gathering of mathematical symbols for a celebration
Secret identity: a variable disguises himself as another variable, which true identity only he knows
Double identity: the identity of twin variables!
closed form: a mathematical object on which the door can be shut. if it cannot, then useless excess stuff comes inside.
fitness of a polynomial: Polly exercises!
numbers have roots! Polly searches for her own roots!
tangent bundle is to tie together some tangents with string!
mathematics physics chemistry
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Special Category: Definitions and terms
Scientific definitions
from
Ambrose Bierce's "THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY"
(1881-1906)
G.J = Poetry by Father Gassalasca Jape
The complete book can be found on the Project Gutenberg site http://www.promo.net/pg/.
ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were
taught.
ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is
taught.
AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for
the fattening of the poor.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor
and grave worm's provider.
When Jove sent blessings to all men that are,
And Mercury conveyed them in a jar,
That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth
Disease for the apothecary's health,
Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim:
"My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!"
G.J.
ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom
it greatly affects in turn.
"Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get,"
Consenting, he did speak up;
"'Tis better you should eat it, pet,
Than put it in my teacup."
Joel Huck
BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to
eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers,
which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-
smelling.
CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author
of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased
to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum
might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an
approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the
Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its
name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man
pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest
from disorders of the bowels.
DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth
of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
foolish their lack of understanding.
ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known
to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning,
and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most
picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory
of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in
France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition,
bearing the following touching account of his life and services to
science:
"Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This
illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the
world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages,
of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered."
Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the
arts and industries. The question of its economical application to
some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved
that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more
light than a horse.
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
So wide his erudition's mighty span,
He knew Creation's origin and plan
And only came by accident to grief --
He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief.
Romach Pute
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between
the outside of the world and the inside.
Habeam, geographer of wide reknown,
Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town,
In passing thence along the river Zam
To the adjacent village of Xelam,
Bewildered by the multitude of roads,
Got lost, lived long on migratory toads,
Then from exposure miserably died,
And grateful travelers bewailed their guide.
Henry Haukhorn
GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless,
will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up
garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe
already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one,
consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools,
antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The
Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary
comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy
boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage,
anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another
with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain --
the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength
of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and
edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B,
makes B the proof of A.
HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this
useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a
very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions
reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of
the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a
feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from
which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a
caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a
pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a
hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh
of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M.
Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also,
my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and
Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a
scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John
Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a
striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's
famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_.
HEAT, n.
Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode
Of motion, but I know now how he's proving
His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed
With skill will set the human fist a-moving,
And where it stops the stars burn free and wild.
_Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child.
Gorton Swope
HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession.
HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and
Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly
inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they
can not.
HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now
generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is
still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain
old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of
the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's
usefulness has outlasted it.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge
familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know
nothing about.
Dumble was an ignoramus,
Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble:
"Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge
That was got in any college."
Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly
You're self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I'm denied
A knowledge -- you of all beside."
Borelli
INSECTIVORA, n.
"See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers,
"How Providence provides for all His creatures!"
"His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows:
For us He has provided wrens and swallows."
Sempen Railey
INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to
light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other
men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an
argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong
way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international
controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is
precipitated in great quantities.
Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great
And universal arbiter; endowed
With penetration to pierce any cloud
Fogging the field of controversial hate,
And with a sift, inevitable, straight,
Searching precision find the unavowed
But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed
By the chirurgeon, settles the debate.
O useful metal! -- were it not for thee
We'd grapple one another's ears alway:
But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee
We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay."
And when the quick have run away like pellets
Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets.
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear
and his faith in your patience.
LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The
basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor
premise and a conclusion -- thus:
_Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.
_Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore --
_Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by
combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are
twice blessed.
MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism.
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet.
The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the
works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge.
MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is
large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased
in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was
before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be
larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the
relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the
astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist.
For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a
small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life-
fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures
peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper
emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these
to another.
MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a
state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened
put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an
imaginary one. Important.
Material things I know, or fell, or see;
All else is immaterial to me.
Jamrach Holobom
MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its
chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,
the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing
but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown
to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor
over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_,"
emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's
conscia recti."
MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the
structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the
atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of
precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the
condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific
thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the
molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth
theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more
about the matter than the others.
MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See
_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to
be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without
manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of
considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which
the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean.
Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities
needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class
-- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be
confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern
him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct
species.
MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in
genealogical trees.
NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented
by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but
was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so
far as to be able to say when.
NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent
dictionary.
NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which
merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is
a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of
reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and
exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the
endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah
(therefore) for the noumenon!
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses
of their predecessors.
PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and
affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte,
its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer.
PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum.
Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood.
He lived in a period prehistoric,
When all was absurd and phantasmagoric.
Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded,
Set down great events in succession and order,
He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous
In anything here but the lies that she threw at us.
Orpheus Bowen
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ
that a scientist is a fool with.
SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor
assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.)
TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that
of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us
with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a
bell summoning us to the sacrifice.
ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including
its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology
was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother
has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious
expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we
learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated
Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years.
next:9.5 The Nerd test and other tests. | Index | Comments and Contributions
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