Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:4.2 biology quotes
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From: Scot Nelson <mammal#NoSpam.watering.hole> We just hired a molecular biologist. Man, is he small.
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From: "nemo" <nemo#NoSpam.naughtylass.wet> Our molecular biologist was so small, he got crushed by a speck of dust!
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From: SWISH3303#NoSpam.aol.com (Robert Ohabim) Q: what do you call the leader of a biology gang? A: The nucleus
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From: 73467.403#NoSpam.compuserve.com A fellow accidentally ingested some alpha-L-glucose and discovered that he had no ill effects. Apparently he was ambidextrose.
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From: saz#NoSpam.xxxjdal.demon.co.uk (Sarah Dalrymple) [remove the xxx to reply] "A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate. The barman says "That'll be 80p (ATP) please!" (note 100p = ः1, and ATP is short for Adenosinetriphosphate, but you already knew that :))
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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au> Q: Why are there no asprin in the jungle? A: Because the parrots-eat-them-all.
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From: tweet12547#NoSpam.aol.com (Tweet12547) There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds with a specific focus on terns. He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (from, of course, marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study. With trembling hands, he delivered his 247-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. The august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jell-o. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..." "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."
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From: "Heather Thompson" <Hpthompson#NoSpam.btinternet.com> Two guys, called Joe and Dean, were fishermen. Every day, before dawn, they set out to sea with their crews, coming home late in the evening with their catches of fish. Now, there was one particular area where they would cast their nets, because of a particular type of fish which was to be found there. This was a mutant type of fish which had no hearing apparatus. These rare fish fetched a high price from the local marine biologists who liked to study them. Now, the area where Joe and Dean caught these fish was very difficult to reach, and involved long hours of sailing through treacherous waters, which Joe didn't like at all. Well, one week, Joe didn't turn up for work at all, and when one of his crew went to Joe's house to find out what was wrong, Joe said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm feeling really tired and lethargic. I have no energy at all." "Don't worry," said the crewman, "Dean has been putting all his catch of those mutant fish through as yours, so you will still have some money to pay our wages this week." "Oh, no," said Joe. "That means that I will have to get over this feeling of exhaustion and go out to that awful bit of the sea next week, and all because - I OWE DEAN DEAF FISH IN SEA." (Iodine deficiency)
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.oltronics.net> Candiru: A tiny catfish of the Amazon basin that pisses people off. (Note: The candiru is the fish to swims against a urine stream...)
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From: David Stillman (david.stillman#NoSpam.qmserver.hci.utah.edu) Some two hybrid humor: I was grading exams, and a student referred to the components of a two hybrid screen as "bait" and "pray." There may be some truth to that!
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From: wall#NoSpam.ti-csl.csc.ti.com (Raj Wall)
I heard this morning that veterinarians are beginning to use on household animals expensive upscale diagnostic equipment previously only available for humans, including CAT and PET scanners.
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From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma#NoSpam.trellis.net>
Some genetic researchers were studying Acinonyx jubatus to find out why he had a high abnormal sperm count. They gave a group of these animals a histocompatibility (tissue-type) test.
"This is singular," observed one to the other. "Every one of these cats gave the same answers."
"Aw," drawled the other, "they're all a bunch of cheetahs
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From: Gwynt (author) http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/9609/ Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist. Q: Organ transplantation in the future. Brain transplantations are possible between relatives (immunological advantage). Father dies and donates his brain to his daughter. How do you call such a donor father? A: You call him Brain-dad. Windows 95 has a program option to index candybars: the Mars explorer. Do you know why dr. Frankenstein sometimes smoked knees and elbows? He just liked to smoke joints. You learn your whole life. When you were young you went to school. But even in the grave the learning goes on, because your head goes back to skull.
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From: Matthew K Ashford <mkast9+#NoSpam.pitt.edu> Q: What do you have upon a request for a mother's identification? A: Cardamom!!
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From: "Bruce P. Dunn" <bpdunn#NoSpam.home.com> Did you hear about the biologist who had twins? She baptized one and kept the other as a control.
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From: Andrea Alevi <andreaa#NoSpam.post.tau.ac.il> A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.
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From: "Brenda L. Carroll" <blcarrol#NoSpam.ehc.edu>
"Did you say you were 'mating' in lab? That gives new meaning to the
phrase, 'oral exam.'"
-Birchell Goldston
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October 2 From: "Jeremy Main" <wana9473#NoSpam.wanadoo.be> SCIENTIFIC THEORIES 6: DARWIN LOST Sumo wrestling: Survival of the fattest. From: Glenn Gardner <steed#NoSpam.netcom.ca> As proof of their prowess they spit powerfully trying to create the deepest depression in the wrestling mat---this provides the forced salival dents to back up the theory.
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.oltronics.net> Q: What tool is used to measure a hole in the head? A: A Phineas gage. (Phineas Gage was a railroad worker who was tamping a charge of explosives when it blew up in his face, driving the iron through the frontal lobe of his brain. He survived, to the total astonishment of the doctor, but with a radically altered personality, thus becoming the first victim of an accidental frontal lobotomy. You can read more about him in Phineas Gage - Into the Mind http://www.mc.maricopa.edu/~reffland/anthropology/anthro2003/origins/phineas.html )
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From: mini-AIR <marca#NoSpam.wilson.harvard.edu> 1997-02-10 Gene Story Contest Winners Here are the winning stories submitted for our GENE STORY ANTHOLOGY contest. Contestants were asked to write short stories - - 100 words tops -- in which all nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs are the names of genes or gene products (such as "sonic hedgehog"). Some cheating was allowed -- it was okay to also use "him," "her," is, etc. Both winners will receive a copy of The Annals of Improbable Research specail Symmettra Issue (vol 2, no 3) autographed by scientist/supermodel Symmetra. **************************** WINNER (1): Jonathan Epstein **************************** GOLIATH CAN CAST a GEM farther than BEN HUR. At its APEX, the fast OPAL HITA WHITE ANGEL. The ANGEL then BEAT a GALE. But the ANGEL's BOSS, GOD, from AFAR CAN CALM the ANGEL. GOD FUSED the GAP between GOLIATH, the ANGEL, and their ILK. The names in this story come from eight different species. (They are listed int the database Entrez, which is on the web at http://www3.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/Entrez/. Drosophila melanogaster: goliath ben white angel beat boss fused Homo sapiens: can CAST gem HuR fast GAP ILK CALM Mus musculus: Apex Haemophilus influenza: hitA galE Neisseria gonorrhoeae: opal Aspergillus niger: god Rattus norvegicus: AFAR ********************** WINNER (2): Jym Mohler ********************** In the LOT behind CLUB ETHER-A-GOGO, AMY PRUNE's BREATHLESS TORSO was SPLAYED in the GRAVEL. Her CROOKED-NECK was BENT over the STONEWALL in an ABRUPT TWIST. Her REFRINGENT THRONG was DISHEVELED and her WHITE-MOTTLED MINI UPTURNED . But no COPPER would ARREST the DERANGED KILLER-OF-PRUNE. No CELL would HOLD-UP that HEARTLESS SNAKE. For a SHOTGUN had REDUCED OSKAR's BIG-BRAIN into STARDUST and FAINT-LITTLE-BALLS. All the genes mentioned in this story are from Drosophila.
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From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma#NoSpam.trellis.net> >neural crest...........an oral hygiene product for the brain Use with mental floss.
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From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com) After the homeotic - and oncogenes they recently discovered a new group of genes; the dancing genes, e.g. Gene Kelly
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"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division."
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From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com) Q: How do you eat DNA-spaghetti? A: With a replication fork.
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Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
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From: lozinski#NoSpam.netcom.com (Joe Cool)
Special Category: Definitions and terms
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings.
Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails.
Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome.
Colic-------------------------A sheep dog.
Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark.
Congenital--------------------Friendly.
Dilate------------------------To live long.
Fester------------------------Quicker.
GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Grippe------------------------A suitcase.
Hangnail----------------------A coat hook.
Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane.
Minor operation---------------Coal digging.
Morbid------------------------A higher offer.
Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate.
Node--------------------------Was aware of.
Organic-----------------------Church musician.
Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted.
Post-operative----------------A letter carrier.
Protein-----------------------In favor of young people.
Secretion---------------------Hiding anything.
Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood.
Tablet-------------------------A small table.
Tumor-------------------------An extra pair.
Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out.
Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together.
Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight.
From: Santasam <Santasam#NoSpam.AOL.COM>
ANTIBODY: against everyone
ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
COMA: a punctuation mark
CONGENITAL: friendly
CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
D & C: where Washington is
DILATE: to live longer
ENEMA: not a friend
ER: the things on your head that you hear with
FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
GENES: blue denim slacks
HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
PROTEIN: in favor of young people
RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
RHEUMATIC: amorous
SECRETION: hiding anything
TABLET: a small table
TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
TIBIA: country in North Africa
TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
TUMOR: an extra pair
URINE: opposite of "you're out"
VARICOSE: very close
VEIN: conceited
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From: Aliquotes iv.v (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
Special Category: Definitions and terms
DR. NOAH BUDDY'S HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE TO SCIENTIFIC TERMINOLOGY
aminoacyl--------------An -NH/sub2 that's a real jerk
apical membrane--------That green bumpy stuff on the outside of a baby dill
asymmetry--------------Where you bury dead people
beta-sheet-------------Linen you only bring out for company
CA/sup{2+} channel-----The all-milk TV station
chemotaxis-------------A cab which provides drug therapy
detergents-------------What women do when telling a guy to take a hike
diglyceride------------what you scream out when trying to kill a glyceride
hippocampus------------where hippos go to university.
microtome--------------An itty bitty book
pachytene--------------Adolescent elephants
plastid----------------Drunk
prokaryote-------------In favour of take-out food
redox------------------Rusty cattle
taxol------------------Liberal plan for increasing revenue
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From: Aliquotes v.vii (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com) Special Category: Definitions and terms You know you weren't prepared for the exam when you gave the following definitons: stereochemistry........having the correct speakers for your CD player free radical...........a political movement propane................sadomasochistic tendencies grignard...............a three foot mile periodic acid..........sometimes it is and sometimes it ain't biotin.................how much coffee you purchase prostate...............when you want FSU to beat U.Florida in football helminth...............what the hockeyplayers wear on their heads, thilly IL-2...................me also homology...............the study of real estate membrane...............the opposite of forgettin' synapse................what you have after horizontal recreation phorbol................why the batter took first base
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From: Aliquotes iv.xi (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
Special Category: Definitions and terms
I Don't Re-Membrane, I Don't Recall
For many, to understand membranes is to understand key biological and
biochemical determinants of life and because of this they are real pains in
the butt to work with (Murphy, 1973). In an effort to assist anyone in
their studies of membrane biochemistry, we have formulated this brief
list of some of the terms across which they will come and our own special
definitions of these terms.
PIP2....................finding your boss at the next urinal
micellar................where I stayed when the tornado hit
palmitoyl...............what your hands secrete when you're nervous
polar head group........Inuit psychiatrists
amphipathic.............the ability to hike both ways
bilayer.................yeh, like, I'm gonna touch that one
lecithin................fatter
porin...................what it is when it's rainin'
Schiff base.............stealing second
ionophore...............where I ended when I fell
hydrophobic.............fear of your electricity bill
deoxycholate............countin' the oxen
sulfatide...............the effect of a moon on Venusian oceans
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From: Aliquotes iv.xii (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
Special Category: Definitions and terms
As molecular biology and biochemistry come to play more important roles in
the field of developmental biology, it is important for biochemists to
truly understand some of the more unusual terminology which they will face
as they set up collaborations or just try to keep up with the literature.
For this reason, we have presented the following definitions as a guide.
placenta...............Act III of V
allantois..............how we found out wat Allan knew
neural crest...........an oral hygiene product for the brain
trophectoderm..........the outer layer of the Stanley Cup
spermatagonia..........the reproductive area in South America
oogonia................the clumsy area of South America
oviposition............your opinion on whether one can eat eggs and still
be a vegetarian
uturus.................the question of whether you're a native of a visitor
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From: phma#NoSpam.trellis.net Q: Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married? A: All he ever dated was trees! Q: How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? A: He caught the garter snake.
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From: David den Ouden (david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com) Computational / Theoretical Biology: Q: How do you call eight Rabbits? A: One Rabbyte Biology, Morphology: Q: How do you call being drunk at the same side of your body? A: Tipsi-lateral Q: Heredity at the same time? A: Synchromosome Q: How do you call a positively charged pussy-cat? A: A CATion
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From: David den Ouden <david_den_ouden at hotmail dot com> Q: How do you call a laboratory in which they use rats as test-animals (guinneapigs)? A: Lab-rat-ory
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From: jimd#NoSpam.gate.net (James D. Davis) Q: What rock band keeps changing their music? A: Mutagenesis. Q: Which biochemicals wash up on beaches? A: Nucleotides.
biology
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Pat Bowne (pbowne#NoSpam.omnifest.uwm.edu) Q: What is a paramecium? A: Two latin mice
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From: mtwenzel#NoSpam.pdqnet.com (Michael Wenzel) Q: What is the only thing worse than a mecium? A: A Paramecium
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From: Garland Stern <stern#NoSpam.tiger.asel.udel.edu>, Matthew K Ashford <mkast9+#NoSpam.pitt.edu> Q:What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for? A:In order of increasing groans: 1: Hallowed. 2: Harold. (As in, "Harold be thy name.) 3: Haploid. (Best of all.)
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From: "Encarnacion Perez, Jr." <e.perezjr.#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net> Q: As what did the antibody go to the Halloween costume party? A: As an "immunogobulin"
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From: Sandy Waldow <sandyw#NoSpam.sbei.com> Q: how do you tell the sex of chromosome? A: Pull down it's genes
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From: mace#NoSpam.NorthNet.org (Mace) Q: What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? A: I like your "style"
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From: cvsjpd#NoSpam.leeds.ac.uk (J P Diesch)
'I want to shag a sheep' says one ribonucleotide to another.
'Dont be so base!'
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From: Aliquotes i.v (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com) The G ot F transition is due to proteins which are "actin up". People who go through waves of euphoria can be said to be suffering from PEP-tides.
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From: De Guerin <da6bd#NoSpam.herts.ac.uk> Q: What do you call a faulty spirometer? A: Expired!
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From: FRASER DOUG <douglas.fraser#NoSpam.abcol-netra.abcol.ac.uk> Special Category: Definitions and terms Q: what's a biologists definition of a graph A: an animal with a long neck
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Biology grows on you.
biology
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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com> Eat yogurt and get cultured
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From: dfinner#NoSpam.Kollsman.com Q: How do you make a horemone? A: Don't pay her.
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Q: Have do you call a tyrannosaurus that is afraid of his own shadow ? A: A nervous Rex.
biology
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From: "Becky" <beckyd35#NoSpam.hotmail.com> A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says," sorry we don't serve mushrooms here." And the mushroom replies, " Why? I'm a Fun-gi?
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From: "Cyber.Terrorist" <cyber_terrorist#NoSpam.adderleystreet.co.za> "Today," said the professor , "I will be lecturing about the liver and spleen." Up in the gallery, one med student leaned toward the other, "Damn, it there's one thing I can't stand ... it's an organ recital!"
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From: "William Heierman" <wheierman#NoSpam.corunduminium.com>
MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED AT A&M
College Station, Texas, Wednesday. In a press conference convened at 9
A.M. yesterday, Texas A&M Veterinary Research Lab Technician Vlad Czybczyk
announced what he called an important medical breakthrough: a "morning
after pill" for men.
Technician Czybczyk would not reveal how it works, stating that the
obviously revolutionary mechanism will remain proprietary until chemical
patents are obtained and pending contracts with pharmaceutical
manufacturers are signed. "Considering the permissive morality pandemic
within our current social environment, we believe that the economic
potential of this discovery is tremendous!", Czybczyk said.
He did reveal, however, that the new pills have advantages over those used
by women - most notably, that they do not have the tendency to fall out
which many distaff veterans of sexual campaigns find annoying.
The research, begun over twenty years ago when Vlad was cloning around in
the Office of Navel Research, led to this serendipitous discovery. He
said: "I was extracting penile stem cells from medusa jellyfish when I
realized none of them were pregnant. Isolating the whoremone responsible,
which we call 'oopsinase', led to the pill."
Preliminary testing has so far proven 100% efficacious; preventing
pregnancy in every one of the subjects, appropriately called "testees". It
is anticipated that oopsinase will have FDA approval and will be available
under the counter around the beginning of next year. It will be marketed
under the brand name: "Machonil".
Now that this project is completed, Vlad Czybczyk does not intend to rest
on his laurels. He will devote his time to other research which in fact
may be related: rediscovery of the Pompeiian recipe for day-old bread.
From its taste, he says he believes penile stem cells from medusa jellyfish
may play an important role there also.
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
In this modern era, where cloning, hybrid and generic engineering have
become household words, few of us remember the true pioneer of genetic
experimentation. I am, of course speaking of Dr. Moreau. Not the Dr. Moreau
immortalized by H. G. Wells in his famous novel, but the real Pierre Moreau
who actually attempted to form new species from unrelated animals. Most of
his experiments failed. Most of the documents that survived deal with his
attempts to cross a dog and a cat, but none lived more than a few hours
after birth. His studies were ridiculed by the French Academy of Science
and he died in disgrace not realizing he was a hundred years ahead of his time.
He had only a single real success, which occurred when he cloned the
chromosomes of the black rhinoceros with the giant panda of China. Only one
of this new species, which he called a pandaceros survived beyond infancy
but with diligence and care, one did grow to full maturity.
This magnificent animal was over five foot tall and weighed 500 pounds.
It had a long soft black and white fur coat and a 18 inch hollow
cylindrical horn on its forehead. The horn communicated through a canal
with the posterior pharynx, which, unlike the elephant which uses its trunk
to breathe, was primary used for feeding. His daily supply of bamboo shoots
and berries was placed in the horn and with the use of a plunger-like
devise invented by Dr. Moreau, the beast could get its frequent feedings as
it desired. It was a loving animal, ideal for a pet, and loved to play with
children. Unfortunately, like most hybrids, it was sterile. This made
commercial production of pandaceri uneconomical, and the process was never
repeated by Dr. Moreau or his disciples.
In 1895, faced with forced closure of his island laboratories,
Moreau sold his only successful hybrid to the Circus de Royal, where it was
the premier attraction for two years before its untimely death from
pneumonia. Visitors from throughout the world travelled to have an
opportunity to pet this wonderful beast. For a few years, the Circus de
Royal was the most talked about and visited entertainment center in all of
Europe.
Now, one hundred years after the untimely death of the world’s only
pandaceros, there are few still alive that remember their trips to the
circus and the excitement of seeing and petting the magnificent ... furry
with the syringe on the top.
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(By Stan Kegel based on stories by Richard Bratner and Bennett Cerf and a song by Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein, Jr.) From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> The couple left the gynecologist’s office with the wife in tears. They were just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. "Why are you masked?" the husband asked. "Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor will take a scrapping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you." "This is the answer to our prayers!" the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. He answered, "That was the Clone Arranger" (By Stan Kegel)
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> It had been a horrible week. Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem. It was not that he couldn’t teach. His Biology 210 classes were always packed and two years ago he was honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher. No his problem was with his research. He hadn’t had a successful research project in several years. His last paper that had been published was three years ago. And in this day of "Publish or Perish," this was not a good situation, particularly for a non-tenured professor. The week had started with a shock. He had received notice that his research grants would not be renewed for the coming year. And if that was not enough, the Dean had called him into his office and told him his contract would not be renewed unless he had a paper accepted for publication by a major entomology journal before the end of the school year. Depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite. But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants. He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect. Well, I’m sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure. And he received a new major grant to study this new species. You could say . . . he had discovered a new lice on leaf. (By Stan Kegel) For non-americans: The pun is a play on an old American cliche, "A new lease on life," which means a second chance.
biology
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> Are you bewildered by the fluctuations in the stock market. If so, you are not alone. The answer is really simple. The market has nothing to do with the profitability of a firm. It has only to do with the expectations of investors as to what future profitability might be. Take the meteoric rise and abrupt fall in Merck stock recently. As you probably know Merck is an old established chemical and drug company which has always been profitable. They are a leader in cardiac (Vasotec, Hydrodiuril) and arthritic (Decadron, Indocin) drugs. Their growth has been stabile but not spectacular. So why the sudden changes in their stock. Well, it seems that Merck researchers have developed a breakthrough drug in the treatment of depression, especially effective in the depression common in adolescent women. This new drug, dihydromethylfluxotine or the brand name proposed, Ufouria, has been undergoing extensive double blind studies in the United States and Sweden and preliminary reports indicated that this was a significant advance in therapy being highly effective without the distressing side effects of related drugs such as Prozac. News of the preliminary results reached the market. It was the consensus of market analysts that Ufouria would have the same effect on Merck’s profits that Viagra had had on Pfizer’s. The newsletters all recommended immediate buying and the price of Merck stock soared 220% in less than a week, and continued to rise slowly over the next several months. Finally enough data was available to petition the Federal Drug Administration to release the drug. In analyzing the results, a strange occurrence was noted. It seems that a large portion of the teen-aged girls treated with Ufouria had abruptly left home to join a convent. Well, needless to say, the F. D. A. refused to licence Ufouria and stock prices tumbled. In their denial, the F. D. A. cited as the reason that . . . Ufouria was habit forming. (By Stan Kegel)
biology
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Februari 13 November 12 From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> They were the first to attempt to colonize Mars. They knew it would be difficult , but they were determined to succeed. They had landed with grass seeds to plant and embryos of horse, sheep and cattle. But the grass wouldn't grow, and none of the calves survived. The horses and sheep were doing well, but there not enough animals to meet their needs. So they sent a message to earth asking for more sheep and horses and a replacement for the cattle and grass. They particularly wanted an animal that could be used as meat in place of beef. Earth radioed back asking if venison would be satisfactory and the colonists replied it was. Finally a space shuttle arrived with the needed supplies. The bill of lading was rushed to the leader of the colony who then spoke to his consul, "we got everything we asked for," he shouted. . . . "They sent mare zygotes and doe zygotes and little lambs and ivy." (By Stan Kegel) For non-americans: This is a play on the words to a classic children's song, "Mairzy Doats" the words being "Mairzy doats and doazey doats and little lambsie divey" meaning "mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy."
biology
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Special Category: Definitions and terms From: Tim Bruening <tsbrueni#NoSpam.pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> Peptide: The result of the moon pulling on the Pepsi.
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From: Buffalo Chilkat <mammal#NoSpam.watering.hole> What did one thermophilic bacteriologist say online to another? "I think you are really hot. Your PCR or mine?"
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From: "Karl Ackerman" <ackermak#NoSpam.upstate.edu> I have some science jokes,that I KNOW you don't have (because I made them up). 1. Q: What's a pirate's favorite amino acid? A: Arrrrrrrrginine. 2. Q: Where do they send the criminal neurons? A: To the chain ganglion.
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.webjockey.net> What kind of notebook does a dendrochronologist use? A tree-ring binder. Why didn't the dendrochronologist get married? All he ever dated was trees!
biology
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak There are some happy sciences, but others are not so happy. A case in point concerns embryologists who tend to be a morose and saddened group than most. No wonder. One of the first things they learn is that our lives are ova before they've begun. (Kegel Archives)
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From: Raphael Jesus <hercullessrj#NoSpam.yahoo.com>
Februari 12
April 19
December 27
Puns on evolution or the evolution of Puns?
Why was Darwin a bad man?
Because he was an Evilutionist!
Why is an Evolutionist not a good person to interrogate?
Because he always speaks with his on Volition (Volution?)
What did Evil Knievel and Darwin have in common?
They had an Evul smile!
If you take U and I out of Evolution, what do you have?
a TON of LOVE!
biology
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak We were being quizzed in bacteriology class about E. coli when the teacher hung a sign on the door: "In Testin" (Deb Hayes)
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak Vampire: Hemo-goblin (Kostick Foxgrover & Pellowski)
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak A red blood cell walked into a busy restaurant. The hostess asked, "Would you like to sit at the bar?" The red cell answered, "No thanks, I'll just circulate." (Stan Kegel)
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From: "Ricky Rountree" <powerscourt#NoSpam.glendalough.anglican.org> Why is the mushroom always asked to a party? Because he’s a fungi (fun guy)
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From: "Lighten, Jack" <Jack.Lighten#NoSpam.cityoflondon.gov.uk> How do you recognize a native American cell biologist? He lives in ATP !
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