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March 21
From: aj13#NoSpam.mindspring.com (Blind faith is overated, and very dangerous when
the terrain is rough.  ) [That's what the header gives as name anyway - JV]

                          LADIES & GENTLEMAN !!!!
                   IT'S THE BATTLE OF THE MILLENIUM !!!!
                         CREATION VS. EVOLUTION!!!

This is going to be a caged, no holds barred match, to the death!!!!

In one corner we have EVOLUTION, who brings with it an assortment of
weapons, including : records,  fossils, actual proof, and even a bit
of faith & belief.

In the other corner we have CREATION, who brings---wait a minute,
CREATION is pulling something from out of a sack, it's a....it's a....
It's a book ?!?  CREATION has brought a book to use in battle. And yes
a bit of faith & belief.

 It's unbelievable the way they are going at each other folks !  It's
a battle royal.  Who will win this grudge match?  Who will suffer from
their loss?   We may never know.  Let's watch & see, and pray ours is
the victorious one, which ever that may be.

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From: LEISTI#NoSpam.cc.Helsinki.FI (Teemu Leisti)

(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and
Stork Science, University of Helsinki)

(English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of Stork Research, University of

                          Ovulation versus cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory
of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in
the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory
at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour
of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught
in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth.
Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This
can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the
theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately
nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a
newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of
sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where
sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive
correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific
methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the

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And a footnote to the previous joke:
From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak
No human beings were around during the Ice Age because it was the pre-stork
era. (Richard Lederer) 

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From: "THE BIG PIG" <edwardaharkceaze#NoSpam.hotmail.comNoJunk>
Received from Poor Innocent Guy Bernard of Sennett, New York:
November 12
December 27

Scientists and God

 One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man
had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian
to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

 The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no
longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many
miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."

 God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was
done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.

 God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old
days with Adam."

 The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a
handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!"

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From: mini-air
1996-07-04	Scientific Correctness Survey

A recent survey by the U.S. National Science Foundation found that
52% of the respondents believe that the earliest human beings
lived at the same time as the dinosaurs.

Once again it is time to vote on "scientifical correctness" and
help the scientific community decide which side of various issues
it should accept as "correct".

Please check only one:

13% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
06% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
61% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.
14% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
06% Humans became extinct before the first dinosuars existed.

But later on, mini-air reported:
1997-01-12	Scientific Correctness: Dino Survey Results

Thank you to everyone who participated in the first of our
SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEYS to establish the correct answers to
heated scientific controversies. This first question is now
settled. The lion and the lamb, the preacher and the politician,
the spider and the fly -- all can now walk hand in hand (or other,
analogous appendage), in harmonious agreement.
Here are the results, of the vote:

33% Dinosaurs and man walked together less than 10,000 years ago.
30% Dinosaurs became extinct before the first humans existed.
23% Dinosaurs and man walked together millions of years ago.
09% Humans became extinct before the first dinosaurs existed.
02% Declined, or were unable, to express an opinion
02% Agreed with all of the choices listed above
01% Dinosaurs and man walked together, but it was purely platonic.

Investigator Thomas B. Roos reports that he plans to use this
survey in future exams at Dartmouth College.

Investigator J. Mohler reports, "As documented in the comic strip
"Alley Oop", while dinosaurs and humans coexisted during
prehistoric times, they rarely if ever walked together. When they
were going in the same direction, the human invariably choose to

Investigator John J. Lannutti concludes that, currently,
"dinosaurs mostly fly while man mostly walks."

Investigator Jim Culter concludes that dinosaur bones were placed
in the fossil strata 10,000 years ago in order to confuse and
mislead 20th century scientists, and that dinosaurs never actually

Investigator Frank Stephan raises a concern common to the German
scientific community, in reporting, "This vote is placed in the
belief, that alligators do not count as dinosaurs in spite of the
fact that these two species are relatives. But in this case it was
more a hating than loving relationship."

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From: jokemaster#NoSpam.jokecenter.com (JokeMaster)

                             Dating Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at
the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old
the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know
their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were seventy three million
years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years

[JokeCenter.com - http://www.jokecenter.com]
(PS I added 70 million to the date to get some semblance of correctness
                                   - JV)

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From: TSlothrop <slothrop#NoSpam.the.zone>
Back in the 40s or 50s a young dinosaur hunter excavated some fossilized
tracks in Texas (I believe). His work was being funded in part by an
eccentric philanthropist. A nearby small town had a pawn shop which
displayed in it's window a block of stone with a human footprint
purportedly recovered from the same locale as the dinosaur prints. The
human print was an obvious carved fake but the paleontologist took a
picture of it and used it as the frontispiece in a book he published
because it was the kind of far-fetched item that would appeal to his
benefactor. It seemed a harmless joke until creationists picked up on it
and used it as an example of a respected scientist proving the coexistence
of humans and dinosaurs. Don't remember where I read this but it may have
been in one of Stephen Jay Gould's essay collections.

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Jacques Ives Cousteau: Zee cheecken, unaware of zee dangare beehind heem,
crosses zee street. Weezout warning, zee Porsche strikes, and zee balance
of zee nature ees maintained.

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Rene Dubois: The chicken, by daring to cross, shapes himself through
decisions that shape his environment..

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Special Category: Charles Darwin
Februari 12
April 19
December 27
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A1: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
A2: The fittest chickens cross the road.
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
A3: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in
such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

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From:  (Bloody Viking)

                              OCCEAM'S RAZOR

Prigator (prigator#NoSpam.aol.com) wrote:
:If there is no fossil or other evidence of the aquatic ape, why do we
: need him?
:Isn't it time go get out Occam's razor?

That's it! A hominid a long time ago was named Occeam. He invented a flint
cutting tool and shaved his skin. Everyone else adopted Occeam's Razor and
started shaving. Becuse of that, the fat layer was needed to keep warm, now
that the fur coat was removed. Over time, people died of shaving cuts so a
selective advantage came from not having the fur to shave in the first place.

"Me furless. Occeam shave. Too hot outside." -- Occeam of 3,000,000 BC

How long ago were sharpened flint tools made? Given all the problems found
with AAT but Occeam's Ape Theory is so much simpler, if we apply Occeam's
Flint Axe, we see that the simpler is more likely when no evidence exists,
like the god debate.

And that's the Homo Erectus Occeamus theory.

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Subject:   (requesting critiques)
From: "Aron-Ra" <ilcunl#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
This is lifted from a serious articicle "A laymen's explanation of
evolution" - Joachim Verhagen.

This essay was originally posted on July 24th 2000 in response to a Biblical
creationist who misunderstood evolutionary theory so badly that he used the
following example in an attempt to refute it:
"If you put automobile parts in a box and shake it up for a trillion years,
you will not get an automobile".

I have since heard other creationists define evolution as a collection of
single cells that suddenly, intentionally, and purposefully amassed
themselves directly into a human being while other separate cell groups
independently evolved into reptiles, birds, fish, etc.  Another creationist
also described a single individual fish suddenly growing legs and walking
within one lifetime. Another demanded that if evolution were true, why
didn't horses sprout wings to escape predators?

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From: Cal King <getulus#NoSpam.no bull.net>
That reminds me of the cladist's weird world.  They assume that the
ancestral species becomes extinct in a speciation event and two daughter
species are born, but they concede that one of these two daughter species
is actually the ancestral species.  They call this an "asymmetrical split."

I will give a sociological example of the type of thinking cladists
practice below:

The world according to cladism:

A cladist's wife is pregnant.  One day she is experiencing labor pains.
The cladist calls an ambulance.  His wife and him arrive safely at the
hospital.  After a few hours of pacing back and forth in the waiting room,
the doctor congratulates the cladist: "Congratulations, you have two new
daughters."  The cladist asks the doctor in excitement: "Doctor, does that
mean that I have twin daughters?"  The doctor answers, "No, there was no
symmetrical split.  Instead, there was an asymmetrical split.  That means
one of your daughters is 25 years older than the other one, but your wife
seems to be missing."

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From: Tommy Tyrberg <tommy.tyrberg#NoSpam.norrkoping.mail.telia.com>

                         Strange world of Cladism

I saw this in a paper somewhere as an example of how cladists think:

The US Air Force originally started as a single company in the Corps of
Engineers (fact).  As it grew larger and more complex this caused problems
since a company only has four platoons each of four squads, so to
accommodate increasing complexity cladists had to introduce superplatoons,
subplatoons, infraplatoons, parvplatoons, supersquads etc.

Finally somebody thought this was getting ridiculous, so he proposed
removing the Air Force from the Army and making it a separate service.
However, all the cladists protested: No, no, You mustn't do that, it would
make the Army paraphyletic!

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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
Evolutionism: The speciocity of speciation!

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Q :Why did the chicken cross the road?
Evolutionist: Pure chance.
Evolutionist: Only the fittest chickens survive crossing the road.
Creationist: God created the chicken on the other side of the road.  There
is no proof it ever was on this side.

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

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From: "Vladimir Matveev" <matveev#NoSpam.mail.cytspb.rssi.ru>
Man did not  originate not from monkey, but from two monkeys...

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From: "Vladimir Matveev" <matveev#NoSpam.mail.cytspb.rssi.ru>
How does natural selection differ from sexual selection?

In distinction to natural selection, sexual selection may be natural,
unnatural, or perverted.

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November 30
From: Michael Weiss <columbus#NoSpam.pleides.osf.org>
Letter from the Smithsonian:

Paleonanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post.  Hominid Skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret
to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
"conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago."  Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small
children, believes to be the "Malibu Barbie."

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis
of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are
familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to
contradiction with your findings.  However, we do feel that there are a
number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you
off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are typically
fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic
centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the
common domesticated dog than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.  This latter
finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses that you have
submitted in your history with this Institution, but the evidence seems to
weigh rather heavily against it.  Without going into too much detail let us
say that:

a. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

b. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon dated.  This is partially due to the heavy load
our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon
dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record.  To the
best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science
Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your
specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino."  Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted-down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and did not really sound like it might be

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of the fascinating
specimen to the museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you
seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our Director
has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at
the site you have discovered in your back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed
in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for
it.  We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories
surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a
structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus Rex
femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty
3/8 inch Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

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From: JONATHAN CASWELL <jonathanecaswell#NoSpam.yahoo.com>

  from MSNBC (Live Science.com)---the ideas, anyway!

What happened, Neanderthal,
How did you lose it all
    In your dating scene,
    Were the better ones keen
On the human who could out-chase you all?
                                      ---J. Caswell
Neanderthal/Sapiens sex...
It's an issue that's sure to perplex,
    Did the children survive
    Progeny to derive
Diversity's modern context?
                                 ---J. Caswell
Our prominent eyebrow ridges
May point to anthropological bridges
    Between Neanderthal
    And Homo sapiens all...
The meeting of macros and midges!
                              ---J.E. Caswell
Extinction of Neanderthal
May not be about sex at all...
    If a dude gets no dates
    Progeny have sealed fates,
Then survival of a species will fall.
                                 ---J. Caswell
A Neanderthal genome's been plotted
And some sim'larities have been spotted...
    Though "human" by name
    We're 99.5% the same,
So who might with whom be spotted?
                                      ---J.E. Caswell (same cat as J. Caswell)

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In the beginning was the word
and by mutations came the gene
(Michael  A. Arbib)

New after last time posted (December 21, 2013) biology
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.bezitopo.org>

Two paleontologists went into a bar. Marsh was the designated driver, and Cope 
was the designated drinker.

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