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December 11 May 27

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From Aliquotes Volume V Number vii July/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
                               CATS AND BUGS

Life as a graduate student or other student can get kind of lonely and it
would be nice to be able to go home to a loved one who is excited to see
you.  Having such a bizarre life style can cause problems though as pet
ownership is a big responsibility.  Thus, we at Aliquotes, would like to
make a suggestion which we hope will ease those lonely nights.  The
following is a list of reasons why one might consider having bacteria as
pets as opposed to the more traditional cat.  We hope that this is of

1.  A numbers game:  To get more cats (why you would want them is another
question), you need at least two of the opposite sex.  With bacteria, one
will set you up for life.

2.  Sleepless nights:  Unlike cats, bacteria do not go into heat and will
keep you awake all night crying for a little fun.

3.  Low maintenance:  There is no litter box to change and bacteria can be
easily fed by adding more sugar to their medium.

4.  Vacation consideration: Bacteria do not require a neighbour's attention
while you're away.  Just put them in the fridge and they'll stay fresh.
This can also be done with cats but is heavily frowned upon.

5.  Life in a vacuum:  While bacteria are also covered with hair (cilia),
but on a microscopic level, they do not feel the need to leave said hairs
all over the place.

6.  Exercise your rights:  You do not need to put your bacteria out for
exercise.  Simply put them in a large flask and shake them for a few
hours.  They are also easier to round up by using the centrifuge.

7.  Death before dishonour:  Bacteria will not bring dead animals into your
house, displaying them proudly at dinner.  At worst a renegade bacterium
will keep you in the bathroom for a few days.

8.  Scratching the surface:  Washing a bacterial pellet does not require a
knowledge of the martial arts and will not leave you with scar tissue.

9.  I can see clearly now:  It is rare when you cannot see the TV screen
because of a bacterium sleeping on top, dangling its legs.  If this is a
problem, it typically implies that you should spend a little more on your
next TV set.

10. Feeling a little flushed:  A bacterium is less likely to clog your
toilet when it dies, causing a $500 plumbing bill.

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Special Category: Definitions and terms
A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always starts with the germ of
an idea.

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From: mike#NoSpam.tao.eco.twg.com (Mike Bartman)

These two positive-strain E-Coli go into a bar. The first one says, "I'm so
thirsty I could suck the cytoplasm off a Bacillis Anthrax' pilli!" and the
second one says, "Moooo!!!"

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From: "Lewis, Donna" <donna.lewis#NoSpam.Vanderbilt.Edu>

Two E. coli walked into a restaurant.

1st E. coli:  I’m so starved I could gnaw a  Corynebacterium diphtheria’s
meta chromatic granule of a Loeffler’s steak.

2nd E.coli:  I like my Babes-Ernst granule with a little Elek or I choke!

I needed an explanation for this.
Here it is:

Corynebacterium diphtheria when stained with methylene blue reveals
red-blue metachromatic granules which are called Babes Ernst
granules. Loeffler’s serum media (i.e. Loeffler’s steak) demonstrates the
metachromatic granules. The Elek test is an immunodiffusion test that tests
for the toxigenicity of the toxin.  Therefore, a little Elek means that
there is low toxicenicity and only a small pseudomembrane in the throat
will be formed.  Therefore the E. coli won’t choke.

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From: "Lewis, Donna" <donna.lewis#NoSpam.Vanderbilt.Edu>

  Inspiration from Desperate Housewives.

            A Desperate Limerick of Lament
                    From Donna Lewis

 A housewife who lived on Wisteria,
 Greatly feared
               the red spheres
                               of Neisseria.
 Her glucose turned yellow,
 The maltose stayed mellow,
 Now her lovers are filled with hysteria!

Explanation for those not in Microbiology:
"Desperate Housewives," (TV series) live on Wisteria Lane.
The red spheres are gram negative cocci, Neisseria gonorrheae
Carbohydrate utilization is demonstrated in glucose turns yellow(positive)
,  maltose stays mellow (no rxn). 

This differentiates it from Neisseria meningitides, therefore her lovers
are full of hysteria. 

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From: John Tyler <crocketmeow#NoSpam.yahoo.com>

After treatment and wash, S. aureus slid its way onto another petri dish
and shouted to the amoeba on the dish, "I'm purple!"
The amoeba asked, "Are you sure?"
S. aureus replied, "Yes. I'm gram-positive!"

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