Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:6.2 fire

mathematics physics
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Februari 14
From: "ashok kumar jha" <ashokj#NoSpam.catsglobal.co.in>

                            THE SCIENCE OF KISSING

There is a general feeling in the public that IISc/IIT students are fundu,
unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare no better
in this respect. So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face when he
marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.

CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what
would be her reaction..


"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with
respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by
treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a
different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips.
How do you prefer?

The guy faints.


"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following

Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where
delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero and you
satisfy the closure property.

Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is
neither more than two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your
hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.


"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature.  This is
an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all
heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and insects. Out
of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in Yugoslavia 90%
of them seem to involve in the process of kissing but the subsequence is
very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kiss female
ant. First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches under various
conditions. That will be very interesting . Isn't it?

The guy has heart attack.

GIRL FROM CS (Computer Science):

"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for
that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds
or else connection will be timed out.  To optimise the timing lets do
parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other
things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you
put the process of Kissing background?"

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL from EE (Electrical Engineering):

"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old
communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted
from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event
(of kissing) is less. Hence take care.  If you want a successful
communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information
content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"

The guy is found hanging from a fan next day

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Ian Ellis <ian#NoSpam.iglou.com>
From "New Scientist" June 28, 1997:

Summer is the traditional season of exam howlers. This gem comes from an
ecology exam at the University of Nottingham.

Q: What is the consequence of the extinction of whales?
A: "The sea level will fall, combating the effect of global warming."

physics chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

March 6
From: jimjr#NoSpam.qis.net (Jim Moore Jr)

                                 Science Class

The chemistry teacher was berating the students for not learning the
Periodic Table of the Elements.

She said "Why when I was your age I knew both their
names and weights."

One kid popped up, "Yeah... but teach, there were
so few of them back then."

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
One student couldn't be motivated to take an interest in
science at all.  He said, "I plan to go into the business.
Name me one thing science has done to help business."

The teacher shot back, "And just where would the belt
industry be without the law of gravity."

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

In biology class the teacher was explaining that germs
always work in large groups.

The class clown piped up, "That would explain then
why no one has ever come down with the measle."

 = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
When Stan Kegel was in college, for a class project in
genetics, he wanted to develop a turkey that had bigger

Failure after failure resulted, until he finally crossed a turkey
with an ostrich.

Its drumsticks were large enuff, but the bird kept hiding
its head in the yams.

mathematics physics chemistry engineering biology computer science
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Special Category: Niels Abel
Special Category: Andr़ Amp्re
Special Category: Archimedes
Special Category: Charles Babbage
Special Category: Niels Bohr
October 7
November 18
Special Category: Robert Boyle
Special Category: Francis Crick
Special Category: Marie Curie
Special Category: Charles Darwin
Special Category: Ren़ Descartes
Special Category: Christian  Doppler
Special Category: Thomas Edison
Special Category: Albert Einstein
Special Category: Euclid/Euclides
Special Category: Leonhard Euler
Special Category: Michael Faraday
Special Category: Pierre de Fermat
Special Category: Enrico Fermi
Special Category: Jean Foucault
Special Category: Richard Feynman
Special Category: Galileo Galilei
Special Category: Kurt G५del
Special Category: Karl F. Gauss
Special Category: Stephen Jay Gould
Special Category: Stephen Hawking
Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
Special Category: Heinrich Hertz
Special Category: Edwin Hubble
Special Category: Lord Kelvin/William Thomson
Special Category: Johannes Kepler
Special Category: Gregor Mendel
Special Category: Isaac Newton
Special Category: Georg Ohm
Special Category: Blaise Pascal
Special Category: Louis Pasteur
Special Category: Wolfgang Pauli
Special Category: Linus Pauling
Special Category: Max Planck
Special Category: Ernest Rutherford
Special Category: Carl Sagan
Special Category: Erwin Schr५dinger
Special Category: Alessandro Volta
Special Category: James Watt


Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
From:James D. Davis (jimd#NoSpam.seminole.gate.net)
 If you don't ever get out, they figured, you've just got a

Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
From:James D. Davis (jimd#NoSpam.seminole.gate.net)
 But he was so dowdy. When he tried to be the announcer, everyone
called him an emcee square.

Volta was electrified.
Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
From:James D. Davis (jimd#NoSpam.seminole.gate.net)
Archimedes got in through some leverage. At least he didn't eat much. He
got full on a crumb.

Ampere was worried he wasn't up to current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
From:James D. Davis (jimd#NoSpam.seminole.gate.net)
 But they got rowdy, and they were charged with battery.

From: xjr3000#NoSpam.aol.com (Xjr3000)
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright said he'd take a flier on it.
Dr Jekyll declined-- he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse replied:  "I'll be there on the dot.  Can't stop now - must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audobon said he'd have to wing it.
Hawking said he'd try to string enough time together to make a space in his
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel said he'd put some things together and see what came out.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
   --Sent by a friend, taken from the Net.

Addendum; with contributions by my wife.

Nobel got a big bang out of it.
Freud could barely repress his excitement.
Galileo thought people were much too inquisitive about the whole thing.
Franklin said it beat flying a kite in a thunderstorm.
Armstrong was regenerated by the certainty he would get a better
reception than at previous events.
Hewlett was oscillating in his feelings.
Cantor wasn't able to count all the invitations he'd received.
Godel said he couldn't prove it but he'd be there.
Hubble wanted to bring the idea into better focus.
Sagan enthused that out of the billions and billions of
invitations he'd received, he would pick just this one.
Birdseye was frozen in indecision.
Bardeen, Schockley and Brattain thought the event might be semi-conducive
to a good time.
Bell put the invitation on hold but promised to get back to it
as soon as possible.
Watson had to determine precisely what jeans he would wear.
Fermat said his last invitation was truly wonderful but that
he couldn't fit it into the margins of his appointment book.

From: scotth9999#NoSpam.aol.com (Scott Harrison)

Darwin declined, saying he always seemed to make a monkey out of himself on
such occasions.
Galileo said he'd love to roll on down, but reminded everyone that the Pope
had him under house arrest.
Gamow got a big bang out of the whole idea.
Nobel thought the party-idea was dynamite!
Niels Bohr sent thanks for the complementary invitation.
Hans Bethe said the whole idea was stellar.
Richard Feynman studied the diagram and said the only way he could make it
is by going backward in time.
Steven Jay Gould and Niles Eldridge said they'd arrive by leaps and bounds.
William Harvey said he would circulate the bloody idea.

From: twp#NoSpam.panix.com (Tom)

Avogadro said he would like to bring a number of friends.
Carnot cycled to the banquet.
Coulomb got a big charge out of the invitation.
Fourier said he had received a series of invitations.
Jung said this occasion would be archetypical.
Klein could hardly bottle up his enthusiasm.
L'Hospital said that, as a rule, he didn't go to banquets.
Laplace expected it to be a transforming experience.
Mesmer was hypnotized by the prospect.
Occam asked whether he would have to shave.
Pasteur said this was just the chance for which his mind was prepared.
Pythagoras said the guests were all too square for him.
Roentgen saw through the whole scheme.
Shannon promised to communicate his decision via the proper channels.
Turing said that after this party he would have to call a halt.
Van Allen said he would wear his new belt for the occasion.
Wien said he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

From: jatzeck#NoSpam.freenet.edmonton.ab.ca (Bernhard Michael Jatzeck)

Newton gravitated towards such occasions.
Einstein made light of it, thinking it all relative.
Milliken replied: "Oil drop by some time."
Halley declined because he had another comet-ment.
Kelvin couldn't make it because of a cold.
Gauss normally didn't go to such functions.

From: middleto#NoSpam.mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (Gerard Middleton)
Naturally, Darwin said, he would select that engagement.

Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Newton planned to drop in.

From: "Louis Hom" <lhom#NoSpam.nature.berkeley.edu>
Watson and Crick thought it would be a nice chance to unwind.

From:  Linda Kerby
Celsius gave it the cold shoulder.
Bessemer wanted to sit on the hearth.
Bacon thought he'd see how things turned out.
Fleming looked forward to an evening of culture.
Napier made no bones about declining.
Moebius wanted to know if there would be strip poker.
Bernoulli said he would probably make it.
Jenner declared a pox on anyone who spoke ill of the hosts.
Pauling said, "Orange you kind to have invited me!"
Von Braun shot out of the house like a rocket to get there on time.
Roentgen shielded himself from a giving direct answer, but looked deeply
into the matter.
Harvey said he'd love to come and circulate among the guests.
da Vinci just smiled mysteriously.
Marconi heard about it on the radio.
Morse wired his reply.
Land volunteered to take photos of the gathering.
Bohr said he hoped he would be interesting, as he usually wasn't.
Freud wanted to bring his mother along with him.
Planck said it would be a quantum leap from what he had been doing to
attending a party.
Einthoven said he'd play his triangle for musical accompaniment.
Linnaeus said that his whereabouts were classified information and he
could not reply.
Cousteau dived into the hors d'oeuvres right away.
Tesla said the thought of a party really lighted up his outlook.
Krafft-Ebbing said he'd bring some slides to show.
Krebs said he'd cycle over.
Galvani had an unexpected reaction to the invitation.
Foucault said he'd have to consult his pendulum for the answer.
Faraday said the idea of the party completely transformed his outlook
on life.
Geiger said he could be counted on to attend.
Fermi declined because of a splitting headache.
Binet said it sounded like an intelligent way to spend an evening.
Salk sent his regrets due to a crippling work schedule.
Hubble said he'd have to look into it before he could give an answer.
Daguerre said he would help Eastman take photos, but they would have to
be the type he was familiar with himself.
Doppler said he would attend as soon as he figured out if he was coming
or going.
Kepler said he would come and bring Mars bars for all to enjoy.
Crick said he was genetically incapable of having a good time at a party.
Pascal said that the party filled the vacuum in his life that weekend.
Kelvin said he absolutely would be there.
Tesla said he would be there as soon as he had coiled his hair into an
attractive style.

From: Megan Waves (rg#NoSpam.netbistro.com)
Rutherford was up and atom.
Euclid hopped a plane.
Coulomb thought he'd get a charge out of it.
Galileo said he'd look into it

From: Hauke Reddmann
Kamerlingh-Onnes thought this was cool.
But Joule said it would be hot!
Alder had some Diels to attend.
Mendelejews wife had her period.
(Barbara McClintock jumped in for her.)

From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084#NoSpam.gorseinon.ac.uk>

Pythagoras declined - he was a bit of a square 
Descartes wondered if he had enough co-ordination 
Euclid primed himself for action 
Feynman asked if he could bring his bongos 
Edision lit up at the thought 
Joule had too much work on 
Hilbert decided to close his hotel for the night. 
Schrodinger couldn't come - his cat had locked him in a box. 
Brunel said it would bridge a gap in his schedule. 
Babbage never got round to replying 
Turing said he'd stop all other projects 
Euler said that x=((a+b)^n)/n, hence he would be there. 
Nobel was asked to give prizes. 
Hooke said he'd spring into action 

From: Michael Hamm
.....But at the last minute they changed the date, and poor Alexander
G. Bell forgot to phone first

From: "will willis" <willwillis4#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
Hamilton said he had a number of parties that night, but he would try to
work it in to the circuit.
Euler said he could too, but only if we have two driveways.
Abel wanted to know if the party could come to him.

From: "Eugene Hluschak" <genehl#NoSpam.sympatico.ca>

Pavlov simply drooled at the thought of going.
Konrad Lorenz thought the invitation insisting he should be there too aggressive.
Jean Piaget thought the whole thing too immature.
Otto Kernberg said he might show up provided the rest of the guests keep within their boundaries.
Freud wanted to know if they would be serving Coke.
Demming thought the whole affair was inefficient.
Kolmogorov called Fomin and asked "Is this for real?"
Margaret Mead asked Ruth Benedict if she could bring her lamb's hook. Benedict said no, it might spoil the pattern on the rug.
Malinowski was not invited for fear that he would ask the guests about their mating habits.
Leibnitz disagreed with the notation on the invitation and sat down to write a paper about it.
Jean Paul Sartre said he would transcend the experience.
Claude Levi-Strauss thought the whole idea was a bitter-sweet affair.
Wilder Penfield wondered if the guests would be cerebral enough.
Frazer Mustard heard this and commented "Some childhood he must have had!"
Benjamin Spock overheard this and said "Childhood - I discovered that as an intern?"
Doctor X, standing in a corner said "Yeah, for sure."

Lavoisier thought it would be a gas.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

                          At The Scientist Party
Special Category: Andr़ Amp्re
Special Category: Niels Bohr
October 7
November 18
Special Category: Ludwig Boltzmann
Special Category: Francis Crick
Special Category: Thomas Edison
Special Category: Albert Einstein
Special Category: Marie Curie
Special Category: Michael Faraday
Special Category: Stephen Hawking
Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
Special Category: Heinrich Hertz
Special Category: David Hilbert
Special Category: Isaac Newton
Special Category: Georg Ohm
Special Category: Blaise Pascal
Special Category: Wolfgang Pauli
Special Category: Max Planck
Special Category: James Watt

Everyone gravitated toward Newton, but he just kept moving around at a
constant velocity and showed no reaction.

Einstein thought it was a relatively good time.

Coulomb got a real charge out of the whole thing.

Cavendish wasn't invited, but he had the balls to show up anyway.

Cauchy, being the only mathematician there, still managed to integrate well
with everyone.

Thompson enjoyed the plum pudding.

Pauli came late, but was mostly excluded from things, so he split.

Pascal was under too much pressure to enjoy himself.

Ohm spent most of the time resisting Ampere's opinions on current events.

Hamilton went to the buffet tables exactly once.

Volt thought the social had a lot of potential.

Hilbert was pretty spaced out for most of it.

Heisenberg may or may not have been there.

The Curies were there and just glowed the whole time.

van der Waals forced himeself to mingle.

Wien radiated a colourful personality.

Millikan dropped his Italian oil dressing.

de Broglie mostly just stood in the corner and waved.

Hollerith liked the hole idea.

Stefan and Boltzmann got into some hot debates.

Everyone was attracted to Tesla's magnetic personality.

Compton was a little scatter-brained at times.

Bohr ate too much and got atomic ache.

Watt turned out to be a powerful speaker.

Hertz went back to the buffet table several times a minute.

Faraday had quite a capacity for food.

Oppenheimer got bombed.

From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084#NoSpam.gorseinon.ac.uk>

Crick and Watson wound everyone up 
Pascal and Pythagoras both got caught up in a love triangle 
Planck's attitude was constant 
Nobel said that the party went with a bang. 
Edison lit the party up 
Brunel beat everyone at bridge 

From: "Randall D. Wald" <randy#NoSpam.rwald.com>

Boyle read the paper, but worried the party would be too base for his
Einstein said he would go if there was no dice-playing.
Socrates questioned whether he would be able to attend.
Hawking said he could if it were in his light-cone.
Murphy said that something would probably go wrong anyway.

mathematics physics chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Special Category: Andr़ Amp्re
Special Category: Archimedes
Special Category: Robert Boyle
Special Category: Marie Curie
Special Category: Charles Darwin
Special Category: Ren़ Descartes
Special Category: Thomas Edison
Special Category: Albert Einstein
Special Category: Richard Feynman
Special Category: Karl F. Gauss
Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
Special Category: Heinrich Hertz
Special Category: James Clerk Maxwell
Special Category: Isaac Newton
Special Category: Georg Ohm
Special Category: Max Planck
Special Category: Carl Sagan
Special Category: Erwin Schr५dinger
Special Category: Alessandro Volta
Special Category: James Watt

From: "Mark S. Hutchenreuther" <mshutch#NoSpam.SUNED1.NSWSES.NAVY.MIL>

Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar.  The bartender came over and asked if
he would like another drink.  He replied, "I think not."  And he vanished.

Heisenburg was also sitting at the bar.  After Descartes vanished in a puff
of smoke, the bartender walked over to him and asked, "Did you see that?"
To which Heisenberg replied, "I can't be certain."

The bartender then noticed Einstein was there.  So he asked him if he could
believe what had happened.  Einstein replied, "It's all relative."

Then the bartender noticed that Carl Sagan was there.  He walked over to
him and asked, "Can you believe that all these famous people are here in
THIS bar?"  Sagan replied, "No.  Why there must be BILLIONS and BILLIONS of
bars out there."

From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>

The bartender asked Georg Ohm what had happened, but Ohm resisted giving
any answer.

Meanwhile, Gustav Hertz was having such a great time, that he promised to
return in the future at a much greater frequency.

Robert Boyle commented that he thought everyone was under too much pressure
to come up with an answer to what was happening.

Erwin Schroedinger tried to explain that in the absence of an observer,
Decartes left but at the same time did not leave.

But Alexander Volta disagreed stating there was a potential difference
between his staying or going.

James Watt had had a bad day and said he had come in just to let off a
little steam.

Charles Darwin refused to take a stand on the days events as he was waiting
to see what would evolve.

Thomas Edison stated that he found the whole thing illuminating.

Andre Ampere helped the bartender ascertain that all the statements
were kept current. (Stan Kegel)

From: Tiffany Wimberly <wimbo#NoSpam.arkansas.net>
Via: Puny <puny#NoSpam.yahoogroups.com>

Eli Whitney said, "I believe I will have another gin."

Sir Isaac Newton pondered the gravity of the situation.

Robert Goddard said the situation was not rocket science. (Tiff Wimberly)

From: Cybe R. Wizard <cybe#NoSpam.cyberwizardztower.com>

Ben (Jammin') Franklin told a joke key had heard somewhere, lightning the
spirits of those in the bar.  After he Layden wait, he even suceeded in
lightning Rod's mood.

Archimedes didn't participate.  He was out having a screw.

James Clerke Maxwell sent his demon in to take some of the heat out of the

Georg Ohm, though he resisted answering, did provide a tasty treat for the
crowd.  Everyone loved Ohm's slaw.

Isaac Newton didn't appreciate the gravity of the situation.  He spectrum
is at fault for the observation of Descarte's vanishing.  Descartes, had he
still been present, would have agreed.

Max Karl Ernst Ludwig Planck thought it a constant drain of energy to
contemplate the disappearance.

Einstein, making light of the situation, thought everyone should photon
whether it had really happened or not.  He, himself, didn't give a particle
either way.

John William Strutt, Lord Rayleigh, thought the patronage should scatter,
but with different frequency.

Hans Lippershey, making a spectacle of himself, could only tell us, "cope."

George Francis FitzGerald said that Descartes hadn't vanished at all, merely
contracted with de light to speed him away.

Charles Francois Du Fay gave us nothing but static, leaving it to Ben
(Jammin') Franklin to seperate the pluses from the minuses.

Andre Marie Ampere thinks the current intensity of discussion electrifying.

Steaming James Watt's only concern was for his joules every second.

Gaston Plante thought Descartes should be put in a cell for battery.

William Sturgeon and Joseph Henry made a good gauss at where Descartes had

Samuel Finley Breese Morse had to leave.  He was relay tapped out.

Alexander Graham Bell didn't believe the disappearance for a second.  He
could telephoney from any distance.

Johann Salomo Christoph Schweigger and Jacques Arsene d'Arsonval were
galvanized into instant action by the sight.

Charles Wheathouse thought that Descartes shunt do that.

Heinrich Fredrich Emil Lenz thought that Descartes should be inducted into
the haul aflame.  Their suggestion's feasability slowly sank to zero as
potential opposition built up.

Nicola Tesla re-coiled at the sight.

From: Allan K <junkmail#NoSpam.gigashadow.dyndns.org>

Both mr. and mrs. Curie thought that Descartes had a radiating
personality, even after his disappearance.

From: A student of "Kim. Chanju" <cjkim#NoSpam.ewha.ac.kr>
Richard P. Feynman said, "Surely, You are Joking, Mr. Bartender."

So, now it's your turn.  Who else was there at the bar, and what did they
have to say, or what happened to them?

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From demmy (demmy#NoSpam.usa.net)

Proposal: The Human Supercollider

For years now, the science of "anatomy" has been based on nothing but luck and speculation, shrinking away from addressing the true problem of uncovering the most basic constituents of the human body in fear of offending certain puritanical "moral" superstitions. I propose that, following in the footsteps of particle physics, we construct a tube 5 km long and about one meter in diameter into each end of which human subjects can be inserted and accelerated towards each other at upwards of 3*10^4 m/s. Upon collision the net energy should be sufficient to break apart the subjects into their component parts which will then be captured by a sophisticated bucket-and-tubing mechanism and classified by the planet's best anatomists. Only by such means can we ever hope to put the science of anatomy on a firm footing and shed light on that which has heretofore been veiled by the darkness of ignorance and fear.

Please donate generously to the cause. Send unmarked, low-denomination bills to [address deleted]. Ideas for potential subjects are also appreciated.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: "Callum Baxter" <callum#NoSpam.hotmail.com>
5 surgeons are taking a coffee break.

1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you
open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says: "Nah, secretaries are the best. Everything inside them is
in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try geologists, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers...they always understand when you have a
few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the
conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest.
 There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are

mathematics physics biology computer science
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: jha#NoSpam.manx2.demon.co.uk (John Atkinson)

_New Scientist_ has a competition each year in which readers are invited to
let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most
like to see (in _New Scientist_) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners:

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive
(Valerie Moyses).

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge
(Cheryl Chapman).

Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White).

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies
are true (J. White).

Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic
determinism (Stephen Thompson).

Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena

Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian
scientist (Peter Rowland).

Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one
each (George Oldham).

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator
in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson).

The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht
gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma).

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop
hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph).

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from
remaindered books (Ronald Smith).

Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley).

Special Category: Pierre de Fermat
Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin,
look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore).

Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down
by tourist's car (Richard Collender).

July 25
"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA
now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn).

Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach).

Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam).

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy
Christmas (Melissa Lewis)

mathematics chemistry computer science
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: mathnews#NoSpam.watmath.waterloo.edu (Math society newsletter)

                   Humourous Quotes from Professors at UW

(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine
called, appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is
the prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"
"Yes, I don't have one."
"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..."

                      - E. D'Azevedo Computer Science 372

"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."
                      - C. Durance Computer Science 234

"Let's make ethanol green this afternoon."
                      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
                      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
                      - R. Willard Pure Math 430a

"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?"
                      - M. Devine Computer Science 340

"Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?"
                      - R. Friesen Chemistry 124

"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?"
                      - D. Taylor Computer Science 350

"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like."
                      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldn't remember the proof."
                      - Baker Pure Math 351a

"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
                      - P. Buhr Computer Science 354

"Every prof blows this. We're all going to get AIDS or something."
                      - J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

"How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun."
                      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"You can't drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up."
                      - Forbes Math Elective 102

"Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today.  I do not give out extensions without good reason."
                      - Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
                      - Hepler Systems Design 182

"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion - I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
                      - J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
                      - M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

"We'll call it S for cyclic."
                      - Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

"Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it."
                      - F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

"All that was meant to bore you shitless."
                      - I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

"The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
aren't even any property taxes."
                      - J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

"So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and 'P' on it, right?"
                      - J. Baker Mathematics 234b

"That's an engineer on his work term. He's sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again...He'll do that 10 times to make the pipe
                      - J. MacKay Statistics 332

"What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?"
"Take out a loan."
                      - C. Durance Computer Science 234

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

               Genetic linguistics (or linguistic genetics).

This is a very promising field devoted to comparative analysis of genetic
and linguistic texts (sequences). Below is one of the examples:

There are overlapping genes, but to my best knowledge, nobody reported the
same for words. But it could save a lot paper or bandwidth.

Inviting my American colleagues to the conference devoted to biological
consequences of the Chernobyl fallout, which was to be conducted in
Chernobyl itself in the autumn a few years after the catastrophe, I
concluded the letter with the following sentence, trying to remind both
time and place in the same word:

"See you in the fall(out)."

Regrettably, they did not come. (As a matter of fact, I also.)

mathematics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Mike Nowacki <mike#NoSpam.expedition-leader.com>
'In science and mathematics 2+2 always equals 4... unless of course you
are a statistician or an ecologist where it can be made to equal 7 or 9
and sometimes even 3.'

Not sure who quoted this.  I first heard it from a geology professor at
McMaster University; M.J. Risk.

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in
close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to
spin dangerously fast.

From: "Narayan Pd Kusi" <narnkusi#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

We don't have to worry. As tall buildings and towers will be replaced for
the trees. So the rotating speed will be same.

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Birds take off at sunrise. On the opposite side of the world, they are
landing at sunset. This causes the earth to spin on its axis.

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: mini-air <marca#NoSpam.wilson.harvard.edu>

1997-03-09	Cloning Update

(This month the first cloning of a sheep was announced.  The sheep was
called Dolly, because she was cloned from breast tissue.)

Here are this month's cloning announcements from the AIR Research

1. We have successfully cloned the bacterium E. coli.

2. A team under the direction of MIT researcher Jim Propp
<propp#NoSpam.math.mit.edu> is combining the latest in cloning research
with recent advances in physics:
        b. As the world knows, Scottish scientists have figured
        out how to create large numbers (well, at least one) of
        identical sheep;
        a. Not long ago, some of Propp's colleagues figured out
        how to create coherent beams of matter-particles (rather
        than just photons).
Propp is combining these ideas to produce the sheep-laser. As yet,
he has not settled on a proper name for the technique ("Livestock
Amplification through ..." is as far as he has gotten). In a
second project, Propp is working to create a Bose condensate of
identical sheep.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Special Category: Ren़ Descartes
From: Ian Ellis <ian#NoSpam.iglou.com>
Did you know that Rene Descartes met the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

They were both visiting Paris, and met on a ferry crossing the famous
river. Somehow Quasimodo fell overboard. He disappeared under the water
because of the weight of handbells he was carrying on his belt.

As Descartes began a rescue, he shouted, "Quasimodo, I see where you
are," and plopped on his coordinates.

He found Quasimodo was already headed toward shore. He seemed to be
running across the bottom, but then Descartes saw he was dancing!
Descartes signed to him: "What are you doing that for?" Quasimodo signed
back, "Save yourself! I'm happy. I'm just Ringing In The Seine!!"

So Rene reached the shore by bobbing up and down.

An onlooker asked, "How did you do that?"

"I'm a Cartesian diver," replied Descartes. "I realize, 'I sink.'
Therefore I swam."

---- This story pasted together by Ian Ellis.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: asuter#NoSpam.Xenon.Stanford.EDU (Lupus Yonderboy / Alex Suter)

                        Amazing Historical Find!!!

                        Proof of Time Travel Found
                             By Donovan Jones

        Archaeologist Christopher Priest has found what he claims
to be conclusive proof that time travel is possible and that visitors
from the future have left their mark upon our past.
        The proof, said Priest, was discovered in his very own
front yard. He said, "I was clearing away strata of frozen white
water crystals from the front of my house when I came upon a layer
much harder than the others."
        Priest alleges that this harder layer is a primitive
pathway, used by homo sapiens before the advent of the personal
        He said, "The discovery of this primitive path is reason
enough for great celebration in the scientific community, but upon
closer inspection, I found something even more startling."
        Inscribed in the pathway is the cryptic phrase, "Archie +
Veronica 4EVR." It is surrounded by a heart-like shape.
        Priest explained his theory, "Archie and his counterpart
Veronica are clearly the names of the temporal explorers. I believe
that 4EVR is the year that they came from. That's right, they come
from over twenty thousand years in the future."
        Priest theorizes that in the future dates are calculated
on a base seventeen numerical system. "It just makes sense," he
        Public Works spokesman Jacqueline Branigin said, "By our
estimation Mr. Priest's discovery is over twenty years old. Truly
an amazing find."

mathematics physics chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Ian Ellis <ian#NoSpam.iglou.com>
Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without

mathematics physics chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: biology#NoSpam.ctos.com (Roberta Meehan)

                           WHY I AM A BIOLOGIST

As my e-mail address indicates, I am a biologist.  People sometimes ask me
why.  After much serious thought, I came up with this explanation: (Yes, it
is original -- mine, completely mine.)

When I first started out, I was going to be a mathematician.  So I took
algebra, but I found that was highly variable.

So, I tried geometry.  And that's where I learned all the angles.

Then I took calculus.  That was truly an integrating experience, but it
definitely had its limits.

After a great deal of consideration, I decided to turn away from math and
give some serious thought to science.

I tried geology, but found that was kind of hard.

Next I tried physics but I knew that would never work.

And even though I'd heard chemists had all the solutions, I finally opted
for biology because, after all, it's a living.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Three mathematicians and a physicist walk into a bar.
You'd think the second one would have ducked.  (Ha, that quack's me up!)

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might be
general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the law that
any field that had the word "science" in its name was guaranteed thereby
not to be a science. He would cite as examples Military Science, Library
Science, Political Science, Homemaking Science, Social Science, and
Computer Science. Discuss the generality of this law, and possible reasons
for its predictive power.
      -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems Thinking."

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: mcollins#NoSpam.plato.ucs.mun.ca (Michelle Collins)

Q:What's the difference between a science student and an arts student tying
his shoes?
A:The arts student gets a credit.

mathematics physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
>How much do you know about science?
>Questions from The Sunday Times, August 27th, 1995


>Would you like to answer the following questions? I*d like to know, how
>science is known without encyclopedia and schoolbook. Please answer the
>questions without helping utilities! It doesn*t matter whether a question is
>answered correctly or not, the "style" is important. If you are too keen for
>these questions, please don't be angry with me. Forget it! You could send
>your answers anonymously if this is possible. But please send  via e-mail to
>I am working on a radio project concerning science & education so I am really
>waiting for your answer.

>Lothar Bodingbauer

>The Questions!

>1. Did evolution have a plan?

Yes.  It was to turn single-celled slime into multicelled slime.

>2. Why does ice turn your whisky cold?

It doesn't.  It is purely an illusion generated by the psychotropic effects
of the whisky.  In actuality, your whisky is getting *warmer*.

>3. Could the flapping of a butterfly*s wing in Kew Gardens set off a
>hurricane in Bermuda?

Yes, but it is much more likely to get the butterfly eaten by a bird.
Also: The logical conclusion is that if there are about 20 hurricanes in a
year, there can only be 20 butterflies in Kew Gardens.

>4. When is a golf ball in flight travelling at its fastest?

In the car on the way to the golf course.

>5. If you have flipped an evenly weighted coin six times and it has come down
>heads each time, is it more likely to come down heads or tails on the seventh

It will come down on its edge.

>6. Does the eye work like a television camera?

Yes.  It gives a completely distorted view of reality.

>7. Is there more than one correct scientific explanation for any phenomenon?

Yes.  There is one explanation for each sponsor of the research.  Example: If
NIH is funding your research, smoking causes cancer.  If the tobacco people
are funding it, smoking does not cause cancer.

>The Questions!
>1. Did evolution have a plan?

No.  Absolutely not.  It is just non-equilibrium thermodynamics doing its
thing in an energy rich and aggressive environment - selfish genes
seeking to transmit their information against the ravages of entropy.

>2. Why does ice turn your whisky cold?

The heat of fusion of water is 80 cal/gm. The phase transition of melting
absorbs heat from the surrounding medium

>3. Could the flapping of a butterfly*s wing in Kew Gardens set off a
>hurricane in Bermuda?

Not goddamn likely, no matter how the chaosticians hype.  (The butterfly
must be in China.)

>4. When is a golf ball in flight travelling at its fastest?

At the moment of launch.

>5. If you have flipped an evenly weighted coin six times and it has come down
>heads each time, is it more likely to come down heads or tails on the seventh

Now that depends upon whether is is an honest coin and an honest flip.
If it an honest coin and flip, prior history is no prediction of future
performance.  If there is systemic bias, prior history is presumptive and
perhaps predictive.

>6. Does the eye work like a television camera?

No.  The mechanisms of detection, transmission... are different.  For
instance, the eye does not raster scan the received image.  Image
processing takes place immeidately within the retina to prevent
"blooming" and ther foibles of a non-dynamic ampliifcation and
limited, static gamma.

>7. Is there more than one correct scientific explanation for any phenomenon?

What does "correct" mean?  Any model, even a heuristic, which delivers
the right answer is accurate.  "Correct" implies a fundamental origin of
structure of the model.  By this criterion, >no< explanation is

Uncle Al knocks upon your door bearing gifts and gnosis.  Are you
sliding down the razor blade of life?  Yowl with Uncle Al!
Alan "Uncle Al" Schwartz

mathematics physics
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: gallegos#NoSpam.u.arizona.edu (Ranma Saotome)

While on my way up to the 7th (top) floor of the Math building here at
the University of Arizona to turn in my paper, I started reading the
little scribblings people would write on the wall such as "Love makes
the world go round", followed by "With a little help from intrinsic
angular momentum" and such.  (Dang physics students!)

Then I looked up at the lighted numbers above the door that indicate
which floor I was on and read the following (floor numbers in parentheses):

        --                          --
 (1)  \/ 2  (2)  e  (3)  pi  (4)  \/17  (5)  2e  (6)  2pi  (7)  infinity

And underneath all that, was written (in red pen, no less):

             "Incomplete proof. Resubmit."

[For the non-math people... e is the natural logarithm 2.71828, pi is 3.1415,
the square root of 17 is 4.12310, 2e is 5.43656, and so forth.]

physics chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: tvaughan#NoSpam.buphyk.bu.edu (tvaughan)

  Sensual Guide To Departments
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

mathematics physics chemistry engineering
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
                GENERAL/SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE QUIZ Time Allocated: 40 minutes
Text Books: As per joining instruction Marking: Each question is worth
equal marks

1.  HISTORY : Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the
present date, concentrating especially but not exclusively on its social,
political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

2.  MEDICINE :You are provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a
bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture your work unit it has
been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

3 PUBLIC SPEAKING : 2500 riot-crazed immigrants are storming the local
Citizens Advice Bureau, Clam them. You may use any ancient language except
Greek of Latin.

4 BIOLOGY : Create Life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years later with
special attention to its probable effects on the British Parliamentary
party system. Prove your thesis.

5.  MUSIC : Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
and drum. Your will find a piano under your seat.

6.  SOCIOLOGY : Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Show how the boy meets girl theory developed.  Construct and experiment to test
your theory.

7.  ENGINEERING : The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual,
printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to
the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate. Be prepared to justify
your decision.

8.  POLITICAL SCIENCE : There is a red telephone on the desk behind
you. Start World War III. Report at length on its sociological aspects, if

Extra credit: For the Noble Peace Prize, stop the war before all life as we
know it is ended.  Provide an in depth report on how this was achieved.  Do
not forget to mention fluctuations in the price of pork bellies.

Extra extra credit: For the CIA's Excellence in Covert Relocation Award
(sometimes referred to as the Elvis award), let the evidence that you
started World War III get into the hands of whatever agencies of authority
still exist.  Then, disappear.  (Please note, though the requirements to
claim the Elvis may actually be achieved, arriving, in person, to receive
it will automatically invalidate your claim.  Should you be awarded the
Elvis, we expect it, like you, to simply disappear without a trace.)

9.  PHILOSOPHY : Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

10 GENERAL KNOWLEDGE : Define the universe. Describe in detail.  Give three

NOTE: A pass mark of 85 % is set.

Hmmm...no physics or chemistry section?

11.  PHYSICS : Describe the workings of the universe at the molecular level
(see question 10). Pay particular attention to Chaos theory, and using
these two answers, predict the weather in Abu Dhabi (atlas provided) for
the 23rd of October, 2463.

12.  CHEMISTRY : Synthesise a prostaglandin, a steroid and at least one
heterocyclic compound using Phosphorous.  Starting materials include a ball
point pen, a bar of soap and a sandwich (hint - a video of McGyver is
provided.  Watch closely as he produces a bomb from the aforesaid items -
it may give you vital clues).

From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather
hybrid strain of wheat.  Describe its chemical and physical properties and
estimate its impact on world food supplies.  Construct a model for dealing with
world-wide surpluses.  Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.

In three minutes, a stupid gorilla with a negative I.Q. will be admitted to the
room.  Teach him to calculate cube roots.  You may not use any form of

Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the
examination period.  You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch
tape.  Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of
sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.

16. ART:
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.

Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat.
Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps.
You have fifteen minutes.

Three minute time test.  Read everything before doing anything.  Put your name
in the upper right hand corner of this page.  Circle the word name in sentence
three.  Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes,
yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper.  Draw a triangle
around the X you just put down.  On the back of this paper multiply 703x668.
Loudly call out your name when you get to this point.  If you think you have
followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small
holes in the top of this paper.  If you are the first person to get this far,
call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following
directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850.  Put a circle
around your answer and put a square around the circle.  Now that you have
finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.

Define computer.  Define Science.  How do they relate?  Why?  Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions.  Assuming an 1130 CPU
supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the
communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.  Trace the possible
effects of you plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy,
the wave theory of light.  Outline a method from all points of view.  Point out
deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last

Build a particle accelerator.  You have been provided with a wire cutter, ten
feet of wire, and a piece of bubble gum.

Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the validity of your position.

It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a
foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus.  Propose the ideal
opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered
so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation.  Discuss the
pros and cons.

In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI",  Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist
revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup
d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers".  In light of the present populist
mood in the United States,  assess the utility and any potential impact of such
a policy today.

Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and
footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and
the Marx brothers.  Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.

29. LOGIC:
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following: That the universe is
infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off
the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the
person taking this exam.  Now disprove all of the above.  Be specific; show all

Define Management.  Define Science.  How do they relate?  Why?  Create a
generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions.  Assuming an 1130
CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design
the communications interface and all necessary control programs.

Give today's date, in metric.  Extra credit: Prove that (0/0)=1.  You are
expected to show at least 234 formulas.  You may only use the following
variables: S=the speed of turkeys, F=the amount of snot in your nose, G=the day
of the week, and T=the number of pencils in your backpack.

Prove that you do not exist.

Explain the nature of matter.  Include in your answer an evaluation of the
impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity.  Construct an experiment to prove your

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.  Start World War III.  Report
at length on its socio-political effects this may have.

Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought,
successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes,
bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms.  Now do the same to the
person seated to your immediate left.  Also, based on your degree of knowledge
of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and
repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.  Support your evaluations with
quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references.  It is not
necessary to translate.

Extra credit: Translate the aforementioned works into Ancient Hebrew and
provide a concordance of all their works, also in Ancient Hebrew.

Extra extra credit: Jeffrey Dahmer will be admitted to this room.  He has
one chainsaw and a kitchen knife.  Calm him.  You may use any ancient
language except Latin.

Extra Extra Extra Credit: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate
the political stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations
of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramsesall, Gregory of
Nicoa, and Hammurabi.  Support your evaluations with quotations from each
man's work, making appropriate references.  It is not necessary to

Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve,
and the eating of the forbidden fruit.  Explain your position fully to a
Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments.  An Anglican bishop will moderate
this debate.

Extra credit: Memorize the entire bible backwards in Swahili.  Be prepared
to answer specific questions.

Extra extra credit: Describe the history of all religions from their
earliest origins to the present day.  Prove which is best in a manner that
will convince all other religions.

Create Aliens.  Provide them with a working ecosystem, technological and medical
bases, culture(s), systems of entertainment/traditions/belief and communication.
Document the manner in which you envision they would interact with humanity.
Test your theory, paying particular attention to unforseen consequences.

Use gene-splicing technology to create the ultimate carnivore.  Provide an
environmental impact study on this creature and estimate the chances of
survival of the Human species.  Be prepared with visual aids to
substantiate your estimate.

From: t0kx#NoSpam.unb.ca (t0kx#NoSpam.unb.ca)
Briefly define the position and velocity of every single atom in the
universe.  From this, concisely trace the evolution of the universe from
big bang to big crunch.  Ignore uncertainty principle for simplicity.
Raise your hand and state full results to nearest invigilator for
approval--you will have 10-15 seconds to do this.  [Hint: use these results
to verify ALL previous questions].  Failure to complete this question
results in student being tranferred to parallell universe which will be
subsequently collapsed.  Full marks go to student who can succesfully
collapse THIS universe before the examination period expires.  However this
could adversely affect your career, to say the least.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: ewp#NoSpam.cditi.UUCP (Rick Prins)
                    Answers to the famous 'Final Exam'

Instructions:  Read each question thoroughly.  Answer all questions.
Time limit:  4 hours.  Begin immediately.

[Ed:  The full test can be found in the Joka-Cola Classic section.]

PUBLIC SPEAKING.  2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language except Latin
or Greek.

     The proper response is:  "G'day mates!  Yahoo Serious will be out
     in a few moments.  While you're waiting, I'll just throw a few
     shrimp on the barby for ya, and you can help yourselves to a few
     pots of Foster's.  Right?  Right."

SOCIOLOGY.  Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany
the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory.

     The only problems would be from the car sales people and lawyers
     on why they can't get to the promised land.  The lawyers will try
     to appeal, and the sales people will try to finance or trade one
     another (for less than blue book) to get in.

ENGINEERING.  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
placed in your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual printed
in Swahili.  In ten minutes, a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to
the room.  Take whatever action you feel appropriate.  Be prepared to
justify your decision.

     Call management in room.  Inform management that engineering has
     had enough of cleaning up after sales demos and will not tolerate
     this shit.  Storm out of room leaving bewildered management to
     deal with dissasembled rifle and hungry tiger.  I mean, if
     management had been on the ball, the gun would be assembled and
     the tiger would have been fed.

POLITICAL SCIENCE.  There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.
Start World War III.  Report at length on its socio-political effects,
if any.

     Inform Kremlin that our entire nuclear arsenal accidentally
     launched towards them.  This should start a major skirmish.  After
     the exchange and near total destruction of the world, the only
     socio-political effect will be if we have enough shrimp and
     Fosters for the Aborigines who are still waiting for Yahoo Serious
     (they seemed to think that the big flash and noise was another
     Serious invention).

EPISTEMOLOGY.  Take a position for or against the truth.  Prove the
validity of your position.

     I speak the truth.  Everything I say is a lie.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE.  Describe in detail.  Be objective and specific.

     Life is a scam.

EXTRA CREDIT.  Define the Universe.  Give three examples.
      Time is relative.
      Time is money.
      Money is relative.
      Relatives cost money.
      Time is relative, and don't let your relatives spend too much
            time (or money).
      ex 1: Aunt Irma visits.
      ex 2: Aunt Irma won't leave.
      ex 3: You wind up buying Aunt Irma a 1 way ticket to
            anywhere.  Thus depleting your vacation fund.  Now you must
            go back to work.

mathematics physics chemistry engineering biology computer science
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

~Subject: Life  6.H
From: Henry Cate's Life collection 6.H
[original author unknown]

This file contains a list of quotes from people in mathematical or
scientific circles at Cambridge University, England (hehehe, never miss a
chance to put the Cambridge people down, especially if you study at


Overheard at a supervision :
Supervisor : Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum
Supervisee : Ah!  Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context
      	     of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisor : You mean "No", don't you?
Supervisee : Yes.

The Tautology prize goes to the lecturer who uttered the gem:
 "If we complicate things they get less simple."

This year's modesty award is given for a phrase spoken by a lecturer
after a rather difficult concept had just been introduced.
 "You may feel that this is a little unclear but in fact I am lecturing
  it extremely well."

Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party:
 "Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!"

A Senior mathematician was asked which language he used for some of
his computing.  He replied that he used a very high level language:


From an algebra lecture:
 "A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to."

From the same lecturer:
 "This book fills a well needed gap in the literature."

And another encouraging book review:
 "This book is only for the serious enthusiast; I haven't read it myself."

Two quotes from an electrical engineer (but former mathematician):
 "...but the four-colour theorem was sufficiently true at the time."
 "The whole point of mathematics is to solve differential equations!"

And, as a contrast, a quote from a well known mathematician/physicist:
 "Trying to solve [differential] equations is a youthful aberration
  that you will soon grow out of."

While on the subject how about this fundamental law of physics heard
in General Relativity this year:
 "Nature abhors second order differential equations."

A perplexing quote from a theoretical chemist:
 "...but it might be a quasi-infinite set."
What is a "quasi-infinite set?  Answers on a strictly finite postcard, please.

This year's Modesty Prize is awarded to the lecturer who said:
 "Of course, this isn't really the best way to do it.  But seeing as
  you're not quite as clever as I am - in fact none of you are anywhere
  near as clever as I am - we'll do it this way."

From the same lecturer:
 "Now we'll prove the theorem.  In fact I'll prove it all by myself."

And from a particle physics course:
 "This course will contain a lot of charm and beauty but very little truth."

A comparison between the programming languages BCPL and BSPL:
 "Like BCPL you can omit semicolons almost anywhere."

At the beginning of a course it is important to reassure the audience
about how straight-forward the course is and about how good the
lectures are going to be.
But what about this quote from the beginning of the Galois Theory course:
 "This is going to be an adventure for you...and for me."
Or this one from Statistical Physics:
 "At the meeting in August I put my name down for this course because I
  knew nothing about it."

In the middle of the Stochastic Systems course the lecturer offered
this piece of careers advice:
 "If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a
  career in chartered accountancy beckons."

A lecturer of Linear Systems found the following on his board when he
arrived one morning:
 "Roses are red,
  Violets are blue,
  Greens' functions are boring
  And so are Fourier transforms."

An engineer actually gave an answer to the question of "quasi-infinite" sets:
 "It's one with more than ten elements."
And they wonder why buildings fall over...


From a supervisor:
 "Any theorem in Analysis can be fitted onto an arbitrarily small piece
  of paper if you are sufficiently obscure."

No matter how elegant a course is there will always be occasions when
a certain about of arithmetic is called for:
 "I just want you to have a brief boggle at the belly-busting
  complexity of evaluating this."

A lecturer recently started to use RUNES in his course!  His justification:
 "I need an immediately distinguishable character...so I'll use
  something that no-one will recognize."

From a Special Relativity lecture:
 "...and you find you get masses of energy."

It's nice to see the general-purpose 'nobbling constant' making a
welcome return to Cambridge lectures:
 "This must be wrong by a factor that oughtn't to be too different from

A flattering comment by a student for his GR supervisor:
 "She's the only person in DAMTP who's a real person rather than an
  abstract machine for doing tripos questions."

A worrying thought from the same student:
 "Sex and drugs?  They're nothing compared with a good proof!"

A description of a lecturer:
 "G----'s a maniacal pixie!!!"

A less polite description of a famous (and notorious) mathematician:
 "I personally think he's the greatest fraud since Cyril Burt!!"
- any guesses ?

Renormalisation holds no fears for this lecturer of Plasma Physics:
 "...and divergent integrals need really sleazy cutoffs."

In the true style of Cambridge Maths Tripos we have the following:
 "Proof of Thm. 6.2 is trivial from Thm. 6.9"

Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another
 "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."

And from various seminars in the King's College Research Centre:
 "...the non-uniqueness is exponentially small."
 "I'm not going to say exactly what I mean because I'm not absolutely
  certain myself."
 "It's dangerous to name your children until you know how many you are
  going to have."
 "You don't want to prove theorems that are false."
And that last one wins the Sybil Fawlty Prize for "Stating the
Bleeding Obvious".

A slightly more honest version of "The student can easily see that..." :
 "If you play around with your fingers for a while, you'll see that's true."

Suggestions are welcome on the meaning of this:
 "If it doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless
  happens at a corner."
- Eh ?

In a Complex Variables course a long, long, LONG time ago a lecturer
wanted to swap the order of an integral and an infinite sum...
 "To do this we use a special theorem...the theorem that says that
  secretly this is an applied maths course."
I never name my lecturers but he's now head of the Universities Grant
Commission.  And a lot of universities would like to swap him for an
infinite sum.

From an Algebra III lecturer:
 "If you want to prove it the simplest thing is to prove it."

This year's Honesty Prize goes to the natural sciences supervisor, who
replied to a question with
 "Don't ask me. I'm not a mathmo."

And from Oxford...
"This does have physical applications. In fact it's all tied up with


Good heavens, do I see a lecturer actually noticing the existence of
his audience!
 "Was that clear enough?  Put up your hand if that wasn't clear enough.
  Ah, I thought not."

Snobbery or what?
 "In the sort of parrot-like way you use to teach stats to biologists,
  this is expected minus observed."
Also from statistics:
 "I too would like to know what a statistician actually does."
 "We're not doing mathematics; this is statistics."

"You could define the subspace topology this way, if you were
sufficiently malicious."

 "You mustn't be too rigid when doing Fluid mechanics."

Talk about ulterior motives...
 "This handout is not produced for your erudition but merely so I can
  practice the TeX word-processor."

From 1A NatSci "Cells" course:
 "There are two proteins involved in DNA synthesis, they are called
  DNAsynthase 1 and DNAsynthase 3"

From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture:
 "Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean
  that they are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed
  transitions, if you see what I mean."

From an IBM Assembler lecture:
 "If you find bear droppings around your tent, it's fairly likely that
  there are bears in the area."

A Biochemistry paper included an analysis of a previously undiscovered
sugar named by the researchers "godnose".

From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture:
 "This isn't true in practice - what we've missed out is Stradivarius's
And then the aside:
 "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the
  fiddle factor..."

One from a 1A Engineering maths lecture:
 "Graphs of higher degree polynomials have this habit of doing unwanted
  wiggly things."

"Apart from the extra line, that's a one line proof."
"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."

A slight difficulty occured with geometry in an Engineering lecture
one day:
 "This is the maximum power triangle" said a lecturer, pointing to a rectangle.

This year the Computer Scientists seem to be in the running for the
Honesty Award:
 "Sorry, I should have made that completely clear.  This is a shambles."

From a Computer Sciences Protection lecture:
 "Who should be going to this lecture?  Everyone...apart from the third
  year of the two-year CompSci course."

"I don't want to go into this in detail, but I would like to
illustrate some of the tedium."

Oh those poor CompScis....
 "I'm not going to get anything more useful done in this lecture, so I
  might as well talk."
later followed by ...
 "Well there you are, one lecture with no useful content."

Three from a NatSci Physics lecturer:
 "You don't have to copy that down -- there's no wisdom in it -- it
  only repeats what I said."
 "We now wish to show that they are not merely equal but _the same thing_."
 "And before I leave this subject, I would like to tell you something

From a first year chemistry lecture some personal problems of the lecturer:
 "Before I started this morning's lecture I was going to tell you about my
  third divorce but on reflection I thought I'd better tell my wife first."

From a single research seminar at the King's College Research Centre:
 "I'm sure it's right whether it's valid or not."
 "WARNING: There is no reason to believe this will work."


A nomination for the Sybil Fawlty "Stating the Bleedin' Obvious" Prize:

"A polynomial f is said to have degree m, written deg f equals m, if it
does have degree m."

Now it is fairly well known that lectures are not supposed to be copied
down mindlessly. But...

"Recall word 2 of defn 2.1" But then again...

"I know you all have very innocent minds, but occasionally a word should be
allowed to wander through before reaching the paper."

And on the subject of teaching styles:

"Proof left as an exercise for your supervisor."

And this year's first contenders for the Tautology award:

"It's obvious that what I've just written down is obvious."

"The fixed element can be said to be exactly what it is."

Mathematical notation is a minefield of obscure symbols ranging over most
alphabets and scriptstyles. Any guesses for which character was described
by an undergraduate as:

"It's a script spider"?

And with the reading problems come the corresponding writing ones suffered
by these lecturers:

"My script 'y's always end up looking like rabbits."

"Little mouse tensored with piece of cheese."

However, good notation has its rewards as described by this lecturer:

"The prime leaps on to the other factor in a most convenient fashion."

And now, back to the content of the lecture courses:

"You can hardly underestimate the importance of this."

"I've got a lot to say about this theorem, so don't stop me if I go too

"Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is"

Three from the same lecturer who is clearly having real problems...

"What am I doing? I haven't written any damn thing yet - I've just written
total rubbish."

"What am I talking about? Does anyone know what I'm talking about? This is

"Every time I go to the board with these notes I write down something
completely different."

Hmmm... do I detect someone almost as cynical as myself?

"Theoretical physicist - a physicist whose existence is postulated, to make
the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in the laboratory."

A IB Chemistry lecturer, refering to a previously derived equation.

"This is rigorous. Well, it's rigorous in the sense that ... All right,
it's not rigorous."

Certain calulations will always be CPU intensive...

"This principle is sometimes known as assuming the CIA is paying our
computing bills."

Letter from an editor:

"I very much regret to inform you that the review procedure of your paper
'Approximation of Delay systems by Fourier-Laguerre series', is incurring a


The end (as of 5th July 1990).

mathematics physics
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: nathan#NoSpam.visi.com
                              Teacher Quotes
Insights of a warped mind

Every once in a while one of my teachers will say something that makes me
think twice, and I find myself FORCED to write it down.  Then I tend to
add to it.  You can see some of the strange? wierd? interesting? results

The original teacher quotes are surrounded by asterisks.  Read at your own

*You hit a node*.  It is angry.  It eats you.

*Nothing happens instantaneously.*  You can just be sitting around,
talking about the weather and maybe drinking some brew, when all of a
sudden, bang, Nothing happens.  It's kind of scary.

*Reject the null*
"Sure, reject me.  Just like everyone else.  That's what they all say:
`Reject the null, he's no good, you don't want him.'  Well, maybe I have
feelings, too.  I'm sick of being rejected.  No one wants me.  No one likes
me.  Maybe I want some warm fuzzies instead of cold pricklies.  Oh, I can
see it's no use.  No matter how many self-help books I read, nothing will
change.  I'll just fade into oblivion someday.  Nobody cares.  No one will
even notice."
"Wow, I didn't know he'd feel that badly about it."
"Don't worry about the null, he's always like that.  If he was fun to be
around, do you think we'd reject him?"

*Some elementary particle whose name you don't recall.*  This can be
really embarrasing at parties.  Expecially since most elementary particles
don't have an ounce of tact and tend to be extremely offended if you don't
remember their names.  Sometimes, they'll throw their punch at you.  Then
you have to go through the rest of the party with punch all over your good
clothes.  People will ask you, "Did you forget an elementary particle's
name again?"

*I just pulled polynomials out of my hat.*

*The probe is flashing.* Call the cops!

*I don't have any problems.*  Nope, sorry, ma'am.  I'm fresh out of them.
Sold my last one 2 weeks ago.  Yes, I know you always have relied on me to
sell you stuff, but I just don't have any problems for you, ma'am.  If I'd
have known that you were going to need some, why of course I'd have gotten
some for you.  But I hadn't the faintest idea.

*You have a problem if you know about gravitation.*

*Make the proof work.*  The best way to do this is to stand over with a
whip.  Craack!  "Ow!"  "Work, you lily-livered excuse for a proof!"

*Often you have to count how many times you write "poof".*

*I can't read, either.*  Which raises the question of what I'm doing in a
responsible position as your teacher but does resolve the point of why I
accidently had you buy "Fun with knitting" instead of "Miserable,
horrible, and really ugly equations."

*It was radioactive material, and we had to store it.*  We decided to bury
it in mean old Mr. Jones' backyard because of the way he kept shooting our
dogs and strangling our cats when we were kids.  So far, he's only grown
one extra leg, and his eyes have turned orange, but it doesn't seem to
bother him.  Last time we checked on him, he was chasing along after
some kid's poor Siamese cat, all his (Mr. Jones') three legs going,
yowling as loud as the cat was.  I guess we'll have to try something else.

mathematics physics chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Dave Lorand (daveL#NoSpam.Yang.Earlham.edu)

Following the merger of the Geology and Geography departments at Central
Michigan University, the following flyer appeared in faculty mailboxes:

To the University Community:

Many misconceptions are circulating among the faint-hearted about
reorganization and its potential consequences.  We wish to express our
support for the bold leadership of Provost Frank in his creative
approach to combining departments and reorganizing schools.  We believe
reorganization can lead to a new era of intellectual florescence on
this campus.  Taking a hint from another similarly situated
institution, in which the motto of the newly-created Small Business and
Men's Physical Education Institute is:  "Pulling oneself up by one's
own jockstrap", we urge the administration to consider the following
possibilities as models for future reorganizations:

     Department of Military Science, Religion, and Political Science -
          or "Department of Propaganda Arts"

     Department of Biology and Rhetoric - or "Department of

     Department of Accounting and Fashion - "No Taste for Accounting"

     Department of Clinical Psychology and Gerontology - or "Still
          Crazy After All These Years"

     Department of Philosophy and Nutrition - or "Healthy Mind, Healthy
          Body -- Take Your Pick"

     Department of Geology and Men's Physical Education - or
          "Department of Hard Knocks"

     Department of Theater and Journalism - or "Show and Tell"

     Department of Mycology and Men's Studies - or "He's a fun guy"

     Department of Mathematics, Romance Languages, and Dance - or
          "Department of Order and Disorder"

These are only some of the more self-evident possibilities, but we urge
creative minds to propose their own combinations.

                          F ront for the
                          R eorganization of
                          A ll
                          N ature
                          K nowledge and
                          E ducation

Dave Lorand, innocent bystander.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]



Q: How do you find a needle in a haystack? Scientist says: One draws up a research and development proposal for a new and improved device, costing $100m in budget and just under $200m on final completion. The device can harvest for needles in any given haystack in any terrain at any time, and operated by remote or even hands-on control. Chaotician says: Faced with such a heterogeneous organisation of data you assemble a bunch of friends (say ten or less, or maybe more if there is free alcohol) and hold a party on the haystack. Someone will be bound to find the needle by stepping or sitting on it. Or if they don't something much more strange + interesting will appear, so that the needle is classified as a variant hay-straw. And the new discovery classified as the strange attractor. Copyleft/Stuart G-Hall/stuart_hall#NoSpam.excite.com

mathematics physics
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Empty news:rec.humor.oracle.d

From: Estelle Souche (esouche#NoSpam.ens-lyon.fr)

Either I'm having a problem with the new browser I'm using, either
news:rec.humor.oracle.d is curiously empty these days... :-(

I'm almost missing the cascades... :-S
(I said *almost*.)

From: Admiral Jota (jota#NoSpam.laraby.tiac.net)

I believe that Heisenberg proved that it's impossible to tell whether or 
not a newsgroup is empty without posting to it, and observing the post.

From: Richard Braakman (dark#NoSpam.xs4all.nl)

Godel showed that a newsgroup cannot prove its own validity.

From: Damon C Capehart (dcapehar#NoSpam.utdallas.edu)

No, no, no...
Heisenberg showed that you can jointly know the *amount* of spam in a 
newsgroup or the *rate* at which spam enters the newsgroup, but only to a 
parrticular degree of accuracy.  That is, if you can determine the amount 
of spam in a newsgroup *exactly*, then it is impossible to determine the 
rate at which the spam enters the newsgroup to any degree, and vice 

From: Tom "Tom" Harrington (tph#NoSpam.rmii.com)
Subject: Re: Empty newsgroup
View this article only
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle.d
Date: 1996/07/25

Damon C Capehart <dcapehar#NoSpam.utdallas.edu> wrote:

OK, then explain this scenario: Suppose that in a sealed container
you have a newsgroup, a spammer, and a radioactive atom.  You've
set everything up so that if the atom decays, the spammer will spam.
But you can't observe what's happening inside the container.  
(Assume, for the sake of the experiment, that it's a local
newsgroup that doesn't propagate beyond the container).  Now,
how do you determine if the group has been spammed?

This is the famous "Schrodinger's Newsgroup" scenario, which was
originally created as a thought exercise in quantum spamodynamics.

From: Phillip Abbot (phillip#NoSpam.gryffon.sps.mot.com)

Simple. Since 'spamming' is the gentle artof throwing junk at vast
quantities of newsgroups, then with only on available, it is
impossible to spam.

Consequently the radioactive atom can never decay.

physics biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Larry Krzewinski

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the
moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the
earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs.  

The tallest ones, anyway.

mathematics chemistry
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: "Marlene Larsen." <mn#NoSpam.vucaarhus.dk>

To mathematicians, solutions mean finding the answers.
But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all
mixed up. 

chemistry biology
[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Andre Heiser <a.heiser#NoSpam.student.qut.edu.au>

I don't react well with Chemistry
I supppose Stoichiomtery counts as chemistry
I made the grade in Metrology
I know where I stand in Cartography
I come from a long line of geneologists
Genetics is in my blood
Geology rocks
I suffered in Pathology
I'm going to slide through Histology
Histology left a stain on my GPA
I wonder weather I should do Meteorology?

next:7.1 combined sciences poetry | Index | Comments and Contributions


Member of the Science Humor Net Ring
[ Previous 5 Sites | Previous | Next | Next 5 Sites ]
[ Random Site | List Sites ]

Hit Statistics