Index  Comments and Contributions  previous:1.5 mathematics quotes
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak Mathematic puns are the first sine of madness (Johann Von Haupkoph)
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From: "Risto A. Paju" <rp241#NoSpam.cam.ac.uk> Q: How is a PhD student in Theology like the Laplacian operator? A: div grad (of course this refers to a graduate student of divinity, as well as del^2.)
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From: "David Lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> Mother: Why are you placing a tablecloth with the word "truth" on it on the study table? Daughter: Mom, I'd like to make this a "truth table."
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From: Pat McQuatty Special Category: Afterlife October 31 Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean  the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9? Peter said, "Don't worry. It's just another one of his parabolas."
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From: Alain Gottcheiner <agot#NoSpam.ulb.ac.be> This happened during a 2nd year college course of probability theory. Some girls come in quite a bit late, making all sorts of loud noises as they go down the classroom stairs, grab a seat, pivot the writing tablet, ... The teacher, cold as a cucumber : "you've come at the right moment, miladies. Is was speaking about discrete variables."
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October 31 From: fc3a501#NoSpam.math.unihamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) The zombie: "I HATE integrating by parts!"
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.oltronics.net> How does a Jew compute an improper integral? He takes the kosher principal value.
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From: Mariano Cecowski <Mcecowsk#NoSpam.dc.uba.ar> Big party; every possible function is having fun, chatting and drinking this evening. In an ndimensional corner e^x stands bitter and alone. Near the lonely one there's a small group of exponential functions, and 2^x within them turns to see e^x on it's corner.  Hey, e^x, comeon, integrate yourself  Said 2^x pointing to the group.  What for  whispers e^x  it makes no difference.
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From: naphtalia_leba#NoSpam.yahoo.com You hear the one about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some rays and came back a tangent?
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Some of my freshman math students are so clueless. They think General Calculus was a famous war hero! Here is a follow up: If General Calculus actually did exist, he probably knew how to integrate his troops together and differentiate between his enemies and his allies.
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From: rp241#NoSpam.cam.ac.uk (Risto A. Paju) To all these poor guys who ran into differentiation operators I know this one bloke who managed to avoid these nasty operators. Until he met the creature Del, which was on the same day he received his first degree. The result: the guy is a grad.
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Special Category: Definitions and terms From: S Nelson <snibbler#NoSpam.my.forest> Date: 1999/04/13, 1999/03/14 Random entries from Nelson's Dictionary of Mathematical Terms: C Calculus  what a dentist scrapes from teeth. Center of Mass  the Priest. Centroid  a 100 year old nerd. Chaos  Kmart. Chord  a pile of wood. Circle  the longest distance between any two points. Circumference  a circuitous inference. Coefficient  two heads are better than one. Cylinder  Budweiser. D Discrete number  a digit that won't talk out of class Divisor  what you wear on da head to protect from da sun. Disjoint  what I am about to smoke in dis moment. Denominator  one who nominates da candidate Decagon  what termites can do to a wooden ship Deduct  to butcher a waterfowl Differential  to show great respect From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.pop.trellis.net> Parabolas  two balls connected by a rope, and another one like it Rectangle  a twisted mess Scalar  mountain climber Abelian  a tousand melian Number  less sensitive
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Januari 14 April 28 From: "Martin Gillstedt" <m_gillstedt#NoSpam.hotmail.com> One time the famous mathematician Kurt Gà¥«del was to a restaurant, and when one of the waitresses went by, he started slapping her ass. Then she told him to stop it, and then he said: Don't worry, I'm just checking the consistency.
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From Fabio Rojas (aaprana#NoSpam.mazel.spc.uchicago.edu) Q What do you call a student who goes to campus, tries to go home but doesn't arrive in the same place he started? A  A noncommuting student.
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From: Luka Crnkovic (e98_tcr#NoSpam.e.kth.se) What does the math student say when he steps on a spider? R3>R2! What does he call the spider? Orthogonal projection!
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March 30 August 31 From: Andy Hicks (rah#NoSpam.grip.cis.upenn.edu) Q  do you know a good anagram of "banachtarski" ? A  banachtarski banach tarski
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From: Quiplash (quiplash#NoSpam.aol.comnojunk) For a good prime call: 555.793.7369
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From: Diogenes#NoSpam.kear.tdsnet.com wrote:
What is the square root of 69? 8 something ("Ate something")
From: tam#NoSpam.quest1.questconsult.com (Timothy Melton)What about sqrt(69)? I 8 something
From: deborah apple <debvolt#NoSpam.sirius.com>Q:and what about 68? A: do me and i'll owe you 1.
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From: Michael Rothgery <detroit#NoSpam.mci2000.com> Before Al Gore became vice president of the United States, he worked briefly as a drummer for a little known night club act. Some people say that during that time he came up with the best most mathematically precise rhythms ever known to man. They are now called appropriately enough: Al Gore Rhythms. [author unknown]
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From: The Professor (franbo#NoSpam.globalnet.co.uk) She was only a mathematicians daughter, but she knew how to multiply.
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From: qseep#NoSpam.iname.com (Quantum Seep)
My mother is a mathematician, so she knows how to induce good behavior. "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times...."
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From: madore#NoSpam.news.ens.fr (David Madore) Q. What is grey and huge and has integer coefficients? A. An elephantine equation.
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From: madore#NoSpam.news.ens.fr (David Madore) Q. What is locally like a ring and very evil? A. A devilish scheme.
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Graphing rational functions is a pain in the asymptote.
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Q: Why did the identity sin(2r) = 2sin(r) get turned down for a loan? A: Because it needed a cos(r). (cosigner)
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Q: Why would defeating the Chicago Bulls in the playoffs be like solving a system of linear equations? A: Because one would accomplish a KrauseJordan elimination.  (Bulls GM Jerry Krause, Bulls player Michael Jordan) For nonamericans: The Chicago Bulls belong to the National Basketball Association (USA) and their superstar player is Michael Jordan.
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From: ijf16#NoSpam.math.canterbury.ac.nz (Isaac Freeman) This one's original. That is to say, I made it up myself, and I've never met anyone else who claims to have invented it. There was once a factory that specialised in armour. They made leather jerkins, full plate suits, greaves, helmets, anything that would stop an arrow or a sword. One day, an order arrived from a foreign kingdom. It was a big contract, to outfit an entire army with chainmail leggings. The factory owner was delighted, and immediately took the design specifications down to the factory floor to begin production. Several days later, a second message arrived. Due to various circumstances, the design of the leggings had changed. The new standardised national military uniform required that the hems be lowered by several centimetres. The factory owner grumbled about the loss of time and money involved in changing the design, but there was nothing he could do. He took the new plans down to the foreman. Several days later, another new design arrived. The nation's uniform requirements had changed again, and the hems must be raised, even higher than the original design. This went on for several weeks. Every few days, there was a change of plan, and the leggings had to be changed. Sometimes the hems went up, sometimes they went down, but every change meant a loss of money. Finally one day, the factory owner called the foreman up to his office, and asked him if there was any way to stop the appalling wastage. "Well," said the foreman "it might be that the changes are gradually settling down, and will eventually lead to a stable set of leggings. If so, we could extrapolate from what we already know to find the ultimate design, and start producing it now, knowing that it's what they'll eventually ask for." The factory owner agreed this was a good plan. "On the other hand," continued the foreman, "it might be that the changes will never settle down to any final form, in which case there's nothing much we can do." This prospect depressed the owner, and he demanded to know whether there was any way to tell which situation they faced. "Oh, certainly." said the foreman, "There's a simple way to tell." He paused. "It's called the Wire Trousers Hem Test for Uniform Convergence." This was, of course, made up during an Analysis lecture.
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From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma#NoSpam.pop.trellis.net> Tabby and Calico are sitting on two tables, the addition table and the multiplication table, and were playing with a string. They are still holding it, one at each end, though it is now dangling motionless between them. What is the shape of the string? A catenary. From: charlie#NoSpam.tuna.net (charlie) The cats then took off after, and cought, a 4dimensional rodent... a tessarat
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From: feder001#NoSpam.coyote.csusm.edu (Todd Federman) If a travelling salesman starts in Houston, visits every city in the United States just once, and ends up where he started, has he completed a Houston Euler Circuit? From: Alain Gottcheiner <agot#NoSpam.ulb.ac.be> Funny, but wrong. This is a Hamiltonian circuit. He should have taken each and every motorway exactly once and come back in Houston. This would constitute a Euler circuit.
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From: amconn01#NoSpam.homer.louisville.edu (Andrew Connor) A better math joke might have been the one about the Neanderthal child who rode to school with a boy from Hamilton. When his mother found out she said, "What did I tell you? If you commute with a Hamiltonian you'll never evolve!"
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From: kovarik#NoSpam.mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (Zdislav V. Kovarik) Expand (a+b)^n. Solution: (a+b)^n (a + b) ^ n (a + b) ^ n (a + b) ^ n etc.
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From: Tpotter#NoSpam.voyager.cris.com (Tom_Potter) Tom Potter: Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components. From: "Mike Schilling" <mscottschilling#NoSpam.hotmail.com> And the irrational parts infinitely outweigh the rational ones.
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From: Erland.Gadde#NoSpam.sm.luth.se (Erland Gadde) Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine.
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March 14 From: mstueben#NoSpam.pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) I liked the PIous one best.
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From: rja093#NoSpam.nwu.edu (Rajan Jain) mathematician's PICK UP LINE Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply! Of course, we'll be entirely discrete.
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From: Emily AliceaMunoz <emily_alicea#NoSpam.yahoo.com> pickup line: "I wanna be your derivative so I can be tangent to your curves"
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From: achiever#NoSpam.mcs.net (Steve Warrington) How do you teach mathematics to a woman Look for the tan line subtract her pants stack her on the bed divide her legs calculate the distance arc her back add a length function properly provide constant movement give her a square root turn her over for a reverse polish notion gradiently increase the integer round the remainder fill the pi hope she doesn't multiply log the event sine on the dotted line get her to cosine profit from the experience base the result on an exponent
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UR 2 Good 2 Me 2 Be 4 Got == 10 "You are too good to me to be forgotten"
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From: A Friend to Society <freya#NoSpam.ccwf.cc.utexas.edu> 2 Good 2 Cute 2 Young +2 Be +2 Be +4 That    4 Gotten 4 Gotten 6 Pack
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A lazy dog is a slow pup. A slope up is an inclined plane. An inklined plane is a sheet of writingpaper. Therefore lazy dog is a sheet of writingpaper.
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Patageometry, n.: The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.
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From:kcarver#NoSpam.fox.nstn.ns.ca (Kevin Carver) I know most of you people who are "into" math have heard the pun (over and over and over ...) about knowing the difference between your "asymptote and a hole in the graph" but here's one you may not have heard. IT'S A TRUE STORY! A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher: Mrs. ___, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
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A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
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A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the right side of the plane. Caveat: While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes. I hope no one is offended but only humored.
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Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : 1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable! 2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! 3. What is a compact city? It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many nearsighted policemen!
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From: wheierman#NoSpam.corunduminium.com (Will Heierman) Recently, I read the following riddle on a math joke website. It was attributed to Peter Lax. "What is a compact city?" "A city that can be guarded by a finite number of nearsighted policemen." However, I doubt that he would make such a mistake. Moreover, he was my advisor when I was a graduate student, and I actually recall a conversation with him regarding this anecdote. It did not go exactly like this (but this makes a better story): "Dr. Lax, wouldn't it be better to say that a compact city is one that can be guarded by a finite number of policemen, no matter how nearsighted they are?" "That's not any better, really, for if the nth policeman could only see a distance of 1/2^(n+2), no finite number of them could guard even [0,1]!" "Wow! How do we handle this?" "I might reword it slightly: A compact city is one which can be guarded by a finite number of policemen, no matter how nearsighted a policeman is." Up until that moment, I had always thought that the only people who were uniformly nearsighted were baseball umpires! Great teaching does not merely expose the truth. It leads to the truth along a path which is fun to travel. From: "Nils R. Barth" <nbarth#NoSpam.math.uchicago.edu> You've perhaps heard from 17,000 mathematicians since this section was quoted in the 2005 Jan "Notices of the AMS", but while splitting hairs, this definition of compact is incorrect: it defines totally bounded, not compact. For instance, the open interval (0,1) is totally bounded (can be guarded by a finite number of policemen, no matter how nearsighted a policeman is) but not compact.
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Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered "Polynomial. Polygon."
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Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.
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March 14 Statement: pi * r^2 Reaction: Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
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From: RVFT60#NoSpam.email.sps.mot.com (Mike Scott) A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses. Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"? "It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
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A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was made. Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be champion wrestler of the tribe. As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated and that he would declare a winner. The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... "The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides"
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From: CarjL <carjl#NoSpam.springtime.org> There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms. Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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From: stan kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak THE POET'S WILL The Moslem poet, AbdulElHashiff, wrote sonnets, not the usual specialty of his own culture, but he felt that if he could disseminate his poetry he'd find a bride. In fact he did so well he married three, to each of which he wrote for the few months he lived. In that short spell Abdul became a poet of some note. He loved his brides, although I ought to mention he loved the most one for whom hypertension had been a chronic problem. We heard news he'd left her half his wealth. His will provides as follows: "The share of the hypertense muse equals the sum of the shares of the other two brides." (Pedro J. Saavedra)
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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd gotten from a previous teacher, etc...). It's multiple choice, and if you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy... S. What the acorn said when he grew up N. bisects u. A dead parrot g. center F. What you should do when it rains R. hypotenuse m. A geometer who has been to the beach H. coincide h. The set of cards is missing y. polygon A. The boy has a speech defect t. secant K. How they schedule gym class p. tangent b. What he did when his motherinlaw wanted to go home D. ellipse O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove W. geometry r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4minute mile j. decagon
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Special Category: quizzes and tests to do ___ 1. That which Noah built. ___ 2. An article for serving ice cream. ___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman. ___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot. ___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal. ___ 6. A sunburned man. ___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking. ___ 8. What one does when it rains. ___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator. ___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run. ___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn. ___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed. ___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up. ___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way. ___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles. ___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country? A. hypotenuse I. circle B. polygon J. axiom C. inscribe K. cone D. geometry L. coincide E. unit M. cosecant F. center N. tangent G. decagone O. hero H. arc P. perpendicular
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March 31 Februari 11 There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the matter and couldn't. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
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Special Category: Renà¤¼ Descartes March 31 Februari 11 From: "Gregory N. Jelinek, M.D." <gnjmd#NoSpam.txcyber.com> Rene was busy putting the last touches to a lavish table spread with all sorts of goodies at the annual Descartes' New Year's Party. The guests arrived and Rene was mingeling with them and astounding them with his alacrity of thought, when Mrs. Descartes called to him to take out the special New Year's meat pies. He placed them on a sideboard away from the main table  intended for the traditional post midnight revel repast. Still mingeling he espied a hungry guest ranging over toward the meat pies. Like a flash he was upon him. "Not now Monsieur, he cried, "I think they're for 1 a.m.!"
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From: Tim Hagman <hagmanti#NoSpam.pilot.msu.edu> Remember, never put Horace before Descartes...
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From: "I.A. Paul" <I.A.Paul#NoSpam.gmx.net> What is the error of saying, "I am, therefore I think"? You end up placing de Horace before Descartes!
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Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do problems on the blackboard that day. ``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?'' No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he finally got it right. ``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?'' Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. ``Who would like to do the third problem, division?'' Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right (she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends). ``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?'' Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the enthusiasm, Tim?'' ``God said to go forth and multiply!''
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August 8 October 20 In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac. Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth. One of the social leaders decided to have a grand ball. Being a cousin of the Governor, she arranged for a detachment of the state militia to serve as guards and traffic directors for the big doings. A captain was sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough room for him and his unit. The social leader replied, "But of course, Captain! It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit area."
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Special Category: Bertrand (Arthur William) Russell May 18 Februari 2 Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"
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November 11 May 8 The British Mathematical Colloquium consists of three days of mathematics with no dogs and no wives.  Henry Whitehead Quoted in D MacHale, Comic Sections (Dublin 1993)
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One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying.
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What keeps a square from moving ? why, square roots of course. How many square roots does it have ? why, 2 obviously.
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the weak What happened to the plant in the math classroom? It got square roots (Jake, 10)
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How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician? The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school...
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Mathematical Sex Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horror). Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a nonEuclidian space. She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once. Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good. "Arcsinh," she gasped. "Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have a lot of secs." "Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on." "Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary." "I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous." "What order are you?" the Brute demanded. "Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on." "Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent." "Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit." "Never," gasped Polly. "Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever. There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal. When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation. The moral of our sad story is this: 'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom...'
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He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1. He's always going off on a tangent.
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From: <U42157#NoSpam.uicvm.uic.edu> Jim Slepicka After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth and multiply'. However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as they have tried. Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try on the tabletops. The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply using log tables!"
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A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply." The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"
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Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the room dazed and staggering: OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!!
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From: jwalradt#NoSpam.rmci.net (John R. Walradt) Q: Where do mathematicians go shopping? a: At the decimall. From: dhobus#NoSpam.YESnet.yk.ca (Dave and Sandy Hobus) And when they park, they put their money in the decimeter. From: Intech <intech#NoSpam.imperium.net> Let's keep adding a few puns here, but don't let them divide us. The denominating factor that will determine if your pun is worthy or not will depend on if you can produce a good product or not. From: "Les Stewart" <lesstew1#NoSpam.mail.pernet.net> The mall was flooded, I tried to go by Uboat but I couldn't get any subtraction. From: shelleyd#NoSpam.interport.net (Shelley Levine) I'm sure the puns will multiply, and a fraction of them might even be good. From: "J.A. McCulloch" <xxxxx#NoSpam.concentric.net> Why are mathematicians so negative? Because they are nonplussed. Why are there so many mathematicians? Because they let nothing subtract from their multiplying. From: Melanie Aultman <afn10453#NoSpam.afn.org> There was a girl who took her math book to the gym because she needed to reduce her fractions.... From: "Les Stewart" <lesstew1#NoSpam.mail.pernet.net> I am a dark, welldressed man who would like join the fun. sined, From: Steve P. <stevep#NoSpam.interport.net> I heard you had to borrow a lot of money to buy those new clothes. Did you have a cosiner for your loan? the tangent From: "Les Stewart" <lesstew1#NoSpam.mail.pernet.net> Fractaly my dear, I don't give a damn! From: Adnan <nldc#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net> Couldn't we try seeing this from a different angle? From: LoRdGoOsE <bear4876#NoSpam.capital.net> How could you be so obtuse? From: fc3a501#NoSpam.GEO.math.unihamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) How can you factor a rhesus, when he belongs to the primates? From: Adnan (nldc#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net) PI the way who is keeping the log? From: LoRdGoOsE <bear4876#NoSpam.capital.net> I'm not sure, but this log is NOT natural at all, need i enumerate the probabilities? And by the way, in genetics, I think that the guys at the lab have to do their reporting per mutation, just to keep it straight From: "Pierre Abbat" <phma#NoSpam.trellis.net> August 5 April 6 Q: What fish commutes? A: An abelian grouper.
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From: just kiddin (Elisabeth) <maelmill#NoSpam.EUnet.at> Q: What is 8 divided in two parts? A: Vertically it is 3, horizontally it is 0.
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From: "Mark Chatterton" <chatt000#NoSpam.mail.genmills.com> Q: Can an english major learn math? A: Cosecant!
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From: mstueben#NoSpam.pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) Q: What is a backwards written integral sign? A: an impropral integral. Q:What is a proof? A: Onehalf percent of alcohol. April 10 Januari 25 Q:Can you prove LaGranges's Identity? A: Are you kidding? It's really hard to prove the identity of someone who's been dead for over 150 years!
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August 27 April 20 From: markrot#NoSpam.Glue.umd.edu (Mark Peter Rothlisberger) Q: What is black and white ivory and fills space? A: A piano curve
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August 5 April 6 Q: What's purple and commutes? A: An abelian grape. Q: What's purple, commutes, and is worshiped by a limited number of people? A: A finitely venerated abelian grape. From: bs#NoSpam.standrews.ac.uk (Ben Soares) Q: What's green, dangerous and commutative? A: An abelian grape with a machine gun. (and that one's just plain silly). From: Al Gerheim <gerheim#NoSpam.sonalysts.com> Q: What's an Abelian group under addition, is closed, associative, distributive, and bears a curse? A: The ring of the Nibelung. Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician, or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common? A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest? A: A highpotinuse Q: What do you call a broken record? A: A Deccagone Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? A: One hundred sowsandbucks Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists November 17 September 26 Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? A: To get to the other ... er, um ... Q: What is the world's longest song? A: "Alephnought Bottles of Beer on the Wall." Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? A1: He works it out with a pencil. From: jackson#NoSpam.dstc.edu.au (David Jackson) A2:(S)he tried to work it out with a pencil, but in the end (s)he had to use logs. From: saconn#NoSpam.iol.ie (Stephen Connolly) A3: He worked it out with a computer/calculator A4: he got one of his students to work it out for him From: Lynn Killingbeck <killbeck#NoSpam.phoenix.net> A5: Use to be "...with a slide rule." From: "John Charnock" <J.M.Charnock#NoSpam.dl.ac.uk> A6: How does a mathematician cure constipation? She works it out with a pencil and a piece of paper. So how does an elephant mathematician cure constipation? It works it out with logs. June 6 March 9 Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. A: Zorn's Lemon. Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. A: Elephant zebra sin theta. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape? A: Elephantgrapesin(theta) Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule. Q: What do you get when you cross a tsetse with a mountain climber? A: Nothing, you can't cross a vector with a scalar. Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber? A: Nothing. You cant cross two scalars. Special Category: Norbert Wiener November 26 March 18 Q: To what question is the answer "9W." A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" November 14 Q: What's nonorientable and lives in the sea? A: Mobius Dick. Q: What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and turn a corner? A: A funeral precession Q: What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? A: Cantor's Diagonal Elephant! Q: What do you call a young eigensheep? A: A lamb, duh!!! Q: What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"? A: A parroty error!! Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line? A: "Stop touching me!" From: Jos van Kan <j.vankan#NoSpam.math.tudelft.nl> Q: What's yellow, linear, normed and complete? A: A Bananach space. From: dmc#NoSpam.sjfc.edu (Dan Cass) Q: What's polite and works for the phone company? A: A deferential operator. From: bs#NoSpam.standrews.ac.uk (Ben Soares) Q: What is linear and sounds a bit like a Nectar Race? A: A vector space. (it is irrelevant what a nectar race is) Q: How do you make one burn? A: Differentiate a log fire. (that one is subtle) From: Large_Nassau_Grouper#NoSpam.Yahoo.com (Reef Fish) September 26 November 17 Q: What is huge and white and has only one side? A: Mobius Dick.
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From: "hugo lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> Elephant Banana peel math joke, revised version: Sinetheta: Teacher, What happens if you cross an elephant with a banana peel? (or Cindy Theta) Teacher: Elephant trips on banana peel, Sinetheta, and falls in the direction as indicated by the righthand rule!
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From: "Hugo and david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> A possible thought of Zorn's lemon: an unlucky decision. Making Zorn's lemonade means by averaging several bad decisions you get the optimum possible decision, although it may still be unlucky. (Heard of the saying that says "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade?" In other word, this is making the best of a bad situation!) My stupid theory!
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From: Large_Nassau_Grouper#NoSpam.Yahoo.com (Reef Fish) Inspired by a "mathematical joke" I came across on a web page: August 21 May 23 Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? A: Because he left a residue at every pole. which would require a rather deep knowledge of advanced mathematics (such as a graduate course in the theory of functions of a complex variable) to fully comprehend (and appreciate) the "joke", I hereby pose a couple of original (to the best of my knowledge) "Cauchy" jokes to see if there are mathematicians in this ng to answer any of it (you have to understand the math behind the intended "answers" first, before you can see anything funny about the answer(s) which may not be unique: Q1. Why was Cauchy convicted in the USA for violating its constitution? Q2. Why was Cauchy committed to an insane asylum? Q3. Corollary Q2. Why was Cauchy convicted for being a vagrant? Scroll down for suggested Answers and "explanations" to answers ... . . . . . . . . . . . . A1. Because he conspired with Schwarz in advocating ineqality. (Wellknown Cauchy Schwarz Inequalities in math and statistics.) A2. Because he was an extreme nonnormal deviate. (Cauchy Distribution is an extremelongtailed distribution in probability/statistics that looks "normal" (Gaussian) but extremely nonnormal  a Tdistribution with 1 degreeoffreedom whereas a normal distribution is a T distribution with infinite degreesoffreedom.) Deepish. :)) Derivative of the gag that a "normal deviate" is an oxymoron. A3. Because he can show no means of support. (The "mean" (Expected Value) of a Cauchy Distribution doesn't exist.)
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From: Brian Cornell <BCornell#NoSpam.tascm.com> Q: What do you get when you cross a hot dog and a pair of jeans? A: The weinerstrauss theorum...
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From: jhd#NoSpam.radix.net (Joseph Davidson) Q:Mathematical Name for a Toilet Seat A:An asstoroid
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Q: What does an analytic number theoriest say when he is drowning? A: Loglog, loglog, loglog, . . .
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March 14 October 30 From: v090nlb4#NoSpam.ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Mark J. VanDerwater) halloween math Q: Wadaya get when you take the circumference of your jackolantern and divide it by its diameter? A: Pumpkin Pi
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From: Melanie Aultman <afn10453#NoSpam.afn.org> Q: What kind of insect is good at math? A: The accountant
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From: bwhite#NoSpam.oucsace.cs.ohiou.edu (Bill White) Q: What's a polar bear? A: A rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
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From: lmmill#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com(LOUIS MILLER) Q: What is 710 inverted? A: Think: OILed up you brains
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Q: What quantity is represented by this ? /\ /\ /\ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ / \ /______\ /______\ /______\       A: 9, tree + tree + tree Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, one per tree, how many is that ? A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
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Q:After a big meal together, ask someone: What is the square root of 1/64? A:I overate (or i/8)
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Q: What's the title of this picture ? .. .. ____ .. .. \\===/======\\==      ____   ( )   \____/                     (\   ) )   //\\  A: Hypotenuse
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From: S Aggarwal <saggarwa#NoSpam.direct.ca> What do you call... A Politically Correct angle?.............. Right. A stubborn angle?......................... Obtuse. A pretty angle?........................... Acute.
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March 30 August 31 From: spog#NoSpam.jwgh.org (Jacob W. Haller) I always liked: Q: What's yellow and differentiable? A: A bananalytic function. "Bananalytic" is just fun to say.
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From: kovarik#NoSpam.mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA (Zdislav V. Kovarik) May 14 October 7 Math charity: improving Lipschitz conditions in New York slums. October 6 Februari 12 Math injuries: Dedekind cuts and bruises Math politics: The radical is the intersection of all maximal left ideals.
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Is the square root of ab absurd?
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Algebra is xsighting. Vectors can be 'arrowing. I'm partial to fractions. I like angles ... to a degree. I could go on and on about sequences. Translations are shifty. Complex numbers are unreal. I feel positive about integers. On average, people are mean.
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October 31 Februari 19 From:mstueben#NoSpam.pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) Puns on Theorems The Royal Chain Mail Factory had received a large order for battle uniforms. Each uniform consisted of a toga and a pair of short pants. Their only problem was how long to make the pants: too short and a soldier could be exposed; too long and a uniform would be excessively heavy. So they called in a mathematician. He had a uniform made and tested. The hem on the pants proved to be too short, so he increased it a little bit, then a little more, and then a little bit more, and so on until finally he was able to derive an exact trouserslength depending on the leglength of the soldier. The chief tailor was curious. "How did you determine this ratio?" he asked? "Easy," said the mathematician. "I just used the Wiretrousers Hem Test of Uniform Convergence." This is a pun on the "Weierstrauss Mtest of uniform convergence," where M[k] is a convergent series of positive real numbers. (It was sent to me by Andrius Tamulis.) I wonder why M and not, say, N (numeric) or S (sum). M stands for . . .? From: bdillon#NoSpam.admin.aurora.edu (Bob Dillon) The following is from the January 23, 1995 issue of Chemical and Engineering News. Story Problems Portray Gains in Teaching Math
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From: mstueben#NoSpam.pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben) THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN THE HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that ... 1) Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny." 2) Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his daughter "Tootsie." 3) William Horner was not called "LittleJack" by his friends. 4) The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand." 5) Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push." 6) Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel." 7) There is no such place as the University of Wiscosine, and if there was, the motto of their mathematics department would not be "Secant ye shall find." 8) Although Euler is pronounced oiler, it does not follow that Euclid is pronounced oiclid. 9) Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have to sphere is sphere itself." 10) Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. 11) It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could only see one side to every question. March 8 December 27 November 15 Special Category: Johannes Kepler 12) It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that after his lecture the first three questions he was asked were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What is a planet? 13) It is true that primitive societies use only rough approximations for the known constants of mathematics. For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is dependent upon government assistance, which is not always forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government at halfprice, and the government passed them onto the northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples: "He who has a Tait's is lost."
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From: immortal#NoSpam.wam.umd.edu (Immortal = Justin WyssGallifent) Q: Why can't you grow wheat in Z/6Z ? A: Because it's not a field.
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From: kovarik#NoSpam.mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca (Zdislav V. Kovarik) A retired mathematician took up gardening, and is now growing carrots with square roots. *
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From: G.P. <GPopper#NoSpam.Hotmail.Com> Q: What happens to plants that live in a math class room? A: They grow square roots
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From: brian#NoSpam.brisk.demon.co.uk (Brian Skinner) The retired mathematicians house was called aftermath.
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From: wft#NoSpam.math.canterbury.ac.nz (Bill Taylor) Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal. But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
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March 14 From: you#NoSpam.somehost.somedomain (Your Name Here) Mathematician's Bakery: House of Pi
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December 25 March 30 Special Category: Isaac Newton Special Category: Niels Abel August 5 April 6 From: Ralph Craig <rrcraig> Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory? A: Because he wasn't Abel.
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December 17 Februari 18 From: fc3a501#NoSpam.math.unihamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) Does a politician* exists who does nothing at all? Yes,because they form a Lie group. * optionally replace with your favorite hate group
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In this branch of mathematics it is very difficult to be sure of water proof tights.
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From: centaur#NoSpam.nai.net (Dave Wright) Mermaid mathematicians wear algaebras.
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From: centaur#NoSpam.nai.net (Dave Wright) Aftermath: The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra test. "Funky Winkerbean" strip by Tom Batiuk
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From: Scot Nelson <napuumaia#NoSpam.flex.com> My math teacher baked cookies and asked if I would eat sum. I said no, there were too many additives. From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> That's what you get for using a commercial product. I bet the class was divided about it. From: Guy Ritchie <whataguy#NoSpam.mail.utexas.edu> I don't think so. The roots of unity were deep in their minds.
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From: Jan Hyde My math teacher had a strange plant in the school room. It had square roots.
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Two mathematicians are looking at a convergent series. The first one says, "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?" The second asks, "Are you sure about that?" The first replies "Absolutely!"
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Special Category: Said Tom From: Melanie Aultman <afn10453#NoSpam.afn.org> "It's a plane figure," Tom said flatly. "99 is almost 100," said Tom roughly. "1,3,5,7," Tom said oddly. "Space is an infinite set of points," Tom said distantly. "They are mirror images," reflected Tom.
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Special Category: Said Tom From: Chantel Mijo <sesquipedelian#NoSpam.mindspring.com> "Consider a linear 2dimensional universe", Tom's teacher said plainly. "Not I", Tom replied unimaginatively. "Why not?", she asked initially. "We haven't discussed the addition problems", Tom said nonplused.
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Special Category: Said Tom From: Clinton Rogers <CRogers#NoSpam.eGain.com> "I don't know what (b^2  4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom indiscriminately...
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Special Category: Said Tom From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak "I'm a mathematician," Tom added summarily. (Simon Champion)
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak Sure, my friend Abacus is a bit socially awkward and dresses funny. But of all the people I know, he's the one I can always count on. (Andy Krakowski from Ruminations)
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/  1   = log cabin  cabin /
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/  1   = log cabin + C = houseboat  cabin /
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From: cfaerber#NoSpam.muc.de (Claus Faerber) Q: Why's 6 afraid of 7 A: cos 789
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"The world is everywhere dense with idiots."  LFS
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From: Richard Carr <carr#NoSpam.math.columbia.edu> Apologies in advance: A new PhD in algebra gets a temporary position at a university for a year. He bumps into one of the faculty and, having the cockiness and arrogance of youth, says to him, "I have heard it said that all logicians go insane. Why then did you decide to study Model Theory?" "My dear doctor, very few logicians go insane but the entire algebra faculty is seeing the psychiatrist," replied the logician. Thusly tempered, the young man replies uncertainly, "The entire faculty?" "Yes, they're all in group therapy."
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From: Scot Nelson <scot.nelson#NoSpam.gte.net> My math teacher has an negative arithmetic mean streak and a high coefficient of variation. I think he's only a few numbers > [] whose days outside of a sanitarium are numbered.
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From: "<Bleek>" <Bad @math.com> get a slice of the proverbial PI without being an ODDball or a SQUARE. Get a COSINEer for my loan. get to the ROOT of the PROBLEM Maybe EVEN SOLVE it. ADD a small FRACTION of sanity to an otherwise IRRATIONAL NUMBER of insane days in a row. oh what's the DIFFERENCE. It's just a SINE of the TIMES. Nobody cares if I use sugar or EQUAL in my coffee. Oh heck, QUANTUM to care about something. . . Tell them SINEfield is quitting Then they can't FUNCTION CORRECTly. or start a discussion about the student that put a noose on a black kid's car at school I't's amazing how much media HYPOTENUSE will get! (Ouch that one hurt!!) there's already too much racial DIVISION in this world. created, to some MEASURE, by the peoples' SPHERE of the unknown. I MEAN. . . . . . Sorry I went off on a TANGENT. I'm sure there are a WHOLE NUMBER of people that are good but it just seem that the world is so NEGATIVE! always has been. even as an INFINATE bugged me. We need to CIRCLE the wagons and pull together as a team. otherwize we will end up like the cars that are RECTANGLEd up on the side of the highway. I better stop now! Besides . . . it's just THEOREM talking. By the way, MINUS bigger than yours is! want SUM? OH BLEEK TRIANGLE lightly on them There not used TWO you yet.
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Q: How does a Mathematician support himself? A: With Brackets.
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From: fc3a501#NoSpam.math.unihamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) Joe Average can get very mean. From: Drew Cohn <007NO00SPAM#NoSpam.planetarymotion.net.invalid> Especially when he crosses the median while eating pie a la mode. From: obnoxio#NoSpam.hotmail.com (Obnoxio The Clown) Going off at a bit of a tangent, didn't you mean pi a la mode? My local diner has such nice pi, you have to sine a disclaimer that you won't overeat. Anyone you bring with has to cosine the paper. Anyway, I'm going round in circles.... From: Drew Cohn <007NO00SPAM#NoSpam.planetarymotion.net.invalid> Thanks for squaring me away. At 3.14, your diner's pi is too expensive. Unless we can come up with some kind of reciprocal arrangement, I'll just have a glass of root beer instead. From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> That's the variancer I was looking for. From: "Richard Haxby" <rhaxby#NoSpam.cableinet.co.uk> If you dont divide the bill proportionately, one of you could get a real shock  with 2 root beers, you could find your friend has paid an imaginary number, and your credit card bill will have recurring decimals for months to come. From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> That's a standard error to make. Even in your prime you should know the odds were against leaving you with that many degrees of freedom so that should have been a factor in your getting to the root of the problem. If that rings a bell, curve around the arc. There is no need to gauss distribution. From: obnoxio#NoSpam.hotmail.com (Obnoxio The Clown) I'm sure it will only be a fraction of the price. Hey, if we went together, we could integrate the bill. I'm sure it wouldn't be too much effort to differentiate our contributions...
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From: Larry Bavly <bavly#NoSpam.rci.rutgers.edu> Q: What do you call someone who's afraid of abstract albegra? A: Homomorphicphobic
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From: fc3a501#NoSpam.math.unihamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) Porno for mathematicians "Pumping Lemma"
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From: planb#NoSpam.newsreaders.com (J.B. Moreno) November 17 September 26 Moebius strippers only show you their back side.
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March 14 From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com> As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
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Special Category: Pierre de Fermat Januari 12 August 17 From: "Buffalo Chilkat" <mammal#NoSpam.watering.hole> Since I installed a large bear rug near my fireplace, my wife has become more amorous. She pulls me onto the rug and starts kissing me. It didn't add up until I thought about the bear rug. I think the rug makes her horny. This is Furmat's Lust Theorem.
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From: Cybe R. Wizard <cybe#NoSpam.cyberwizardztower.com> I know a crazy anesthesiologist who calls himself "The Square Root of Minus One." It seems that he is an irrational number. From: Joachim I don't believe it. That guy is clearly imaginary. From: Virgil <vmhjr2#NoSpam.home.com>: What is irrational about the square root of minus 1? It is a Gaussian integer! Now the square root of 2, that's irrational!
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From: "Peter The Great" <peter_the_great#NoSpam.24ghz.co.za> What kind of math did the monster student do best? Scare root.
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From: "Tushir Malik" <tushir_malik#NoSpam.hotmail.com> How will a mathematician will win a war easily ... By putting the enemy in close brackets ...
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Januari 10 September 18 From: Hauke Reddmann <fc3a501#NoSpam.unihamburg.de> Other name for Math Wizard Legendremain (But when he dies, will only a legend remain?)
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From: whEeeler#NoSpam.tns.net (mike whEeeler) Laguerre, fellow, where do you come up with this crap? Gauss I'll never know...
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From: Sam Wormley <swormley1#NoSpam.mchsi.com> Without geometry, life is pointless. From: "Boris Mohar" <borismnotrequired#NoSpam.sympatico.ca> Without a point there is no geometry.
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From: Hauke Reddmann What is the difference between numbers and people? For numbers, they are rational if they have a period.
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From: "Dr. Richard L. Hall" <hall#NoSpam.xari2.com>
At Heathrow Airport today, an individual (later discovered to be a public school teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious AlGebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. From: "Chuck" <chuck_dinsmore#NoSpam.hotmail.com> At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious algebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Algebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x"and"y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. "I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these mathdogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point,and draw the line." President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factorin random facts of vertex." Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say,read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply,their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."
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From: "PAUL ROBERT VARLEY" <VAR14084#NoSpam.gorseinon.ac.uk> What did Pythagoras say when he was confronted by the square root of 2? "Now there has to be a rational explanation for this..."
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From: "CY13E12 TE121201215T" A math problem had the student going in circles until he decided to walk around the block a few times. That's when he found the square route.
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Special Category: Niels Abel August 5 April 6 From: adomplayer#NoSpam.yahoo.com (dreamvigile) Q: What's the highest number in group theory? A: a belian
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From: From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> I took my two sons, ages seven and five to the playground at our local park. My seven year old was very proud as he was able to read the sign with all the rules to his brother. "Do not jump on the merrygoround when in motion." "Go down the slide while sitting only." "Only one child on a swing at a time." There were about twenty rules and the boys promised to obey them all, if I would trust them and let them play without Daddy standing by. They said that they were too old to be watched and their friends would tease them calling them babies if Dad stayed. I made them promise to be good and obey the rules, and rejoined my wife preparing our picnic lunch. When it was time to get the children, I decided to watch them at a distance for a while to see how reliable they were in following my instructions. I found that they obeyed most of the printed instructions. That is, all but one. They would get on the tall semicircular slide and go down head first or backward. Angerly, I picked up the children and took them over to the posted regulations and made my seven year old read it aloud again. Then I asked the boys what they had to say for themselves. My five year old answered immediately, "Don’t be silly, Dad. ... There’s no need for a slide rule anymore." (By Stan Kegel)
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, puns of the weak Q: Why did the student wear glasses in math class? A: Because it helps to improve division. (Daily Groaner)
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems! (Liana, 11)
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak What was the acorn’s favorite subject in school? Geometry (Gee, I’m a tree) (Tamrin, 8)
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From: vidyasury <vidyasury#NoSpam.vsnl.in> Q. How did the analytic number theorist finish his email? A. He loglogged out!
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From: Joseph A Spitzig <jaspitzig#NoSpam.juno.com> Xbar is where statisticians go when their work drives them to drink. As I began my statistics course, I wondered whether I might become a statistician … or just another statistic. Numbers make me numb.
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From: snispilbor#NoSpam.yahoo.com (Snis Pilbor) My diff. eq. instructor seemed a bit perturbed today. I hope he isn't an unstable point!
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From: snispilbor#NoSpam.yahoo.com (Snis Pilbor) Student 1: Why is this instructor so sarcastic and condescending? Student 2: We're just naive set theorists. He's a jaded set theorist.
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From: "Alex Yasgar" <alex#NoSpam.yasgar.com> Geometry is for squares
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From: "Snis Pilbor" <snispilbor#NoSpam.yahoo.com> An ambitious young graduate student gave a surprise lecture where he claimed to have disproven the Riemann Hypothesis. He began by drawing the Cayley Tables for some interesting groups. He used a table of integrals and a table of Laplacetransforms to demonstrate some identities. Then he wrote up some complicated truth tables to wade through some convoluted hypotheses. Finally he wrapped it all up with an appeal to the periodic table of elements. "You idiot!!" his mentor shouted from the audience. "That's not a counter example... it's a table example!!!"
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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak The test I gave my math class covered everything we'd studied all year  fractions, percentages and portions of whole units. But maybe I could have explained things better. To the question "What portion of a foot is six inches?"one student answered, "The toes?" (Lorraine A. Bellis)
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From: riemann#NoSpam.bezeqint.net Hi I have a few jokes of my own that I made up here are some of them: 1) Q: what does a one to one linear operator says? A: I don't Ker. 2) Q: who says I'm zero? A: the Kernel of one to one linear operator 3) trace(Y)=sigma(Yii) i=1 to n. this is the reason the name traceY is so famous 4) Q: what is a polar bear? A1: it is a rectangular bear after suitable change of coordinates times the Jaacobian. A2: it is a rectangular bear after suitable change of coordinates times r
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From: Sophia Alexander <sophiaalexander#NoSpam.optusnet.com.au> F(x) walks into a bar and asks for drink. The barman declines stating "we don't cater for functions.
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From: "david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> Where do the complex numbers take drinks? They have them at the z bar, of course!
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From: Hugo Lowenstein <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> An eigensheep calls its own wool eigenwool.
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From: "david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> for every apple, there is an associated orange. david there is a transformation between oranges and marmalade and apples and apple sauce.
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From: "david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com> Since one sometimes does not take the derivative of f with respect to x, does x feel insulted?
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From: "Buffalo Chilkat" <mammal#NoSpam.watering.hole> I got drunk at math club last night, but fortunately there was designated deriver.
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From: Hauke Reddmann <fc3a501#NoSpam.unihamburg.de> If you see a plant distributed as a^n*e^a/n!, better don't touch it. It's a Poisson Ivy.
New after last time posted (December 21, 2013) mathematics
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From: "Risto A. Paju" <teknohog#NoSpam.iki.fi> The Hausdorf definition In a Hausdorff space, two houses (German: Haus) can always belong to disjoint villages (Dorf). In other words, each house of any pair can have their own housevillage (Hausdorf)
New after last time posted (December 21, 2013) mathematics
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From: Pierre Abbat <phma#NoSpam.bezitopo.org> Question: What has Amman on the inside and Jerusalem on the outside? Answer: The Jordan curve (For people like Joachim, who did not knoww, the Jordan curve is another name for a simple closed curve.)
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