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From: "Frank Bohan" <franbo#NoSpam.globalnet.co.uk> Focus Newsletter (MAA) Sample recommendation letter: Dear Search Committee Chair, I am writing this letter for Mr. John Smith who has applied for a position in your department. I should start by saying that I cannot recommend him too highly. In fact, there is no other student with whom I can adequately compare him, and I am sure that the amount of mathematics he knows will surprise you. His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days. It definitely demonstrates his complete capabilities. In closing, let me say that you will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you. Sincerely, A. D. Visor (Prof.)
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From: TWPIERCE%AMHERST.BITNET (They Call Me Tim) Special Category: Definitions and terms Reminds me of Raymond Smullyan's definitions of "obvious," according to various professors at a certain unnamed university (paraphrased from memory from WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS BOOK): Here, if Professor A says something is obvious, it means that if you go home and think about it for the rest of the afternoon, you will probably see that it is true. If Professor L says something is obvious, it means that if you go off and spend the rest of your life considering it, the day might eventually come when you see that it is true. If Professor W says something is obvious, it means that the class has known about it for the last two weeks. If Professor F says something is obvious, it means that it is probably false.
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Whenever I meet in Laplace with the words "Thus it plainly appears", I am sure that hours and perhaps days of hard study will alone enable me to discover how it plainly appears. -- Nataniel Bowditch (American mathematician and astronomer, 1773-1828) in "M़canique c़leste"
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From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
ESCAPED LION
A lion escaped from the Jerusalem zoo. He was at large for month, when
he was finally captured and returned to his cage. His cage-mate asked,
"How did you manage to stay alive for a whole month?"
"It was easy," said the lion, "everyday I went to the University and ate
a professor."
"How did they catch you?" asked the cage-mate.
"One day I made a mistake and ate the lady who brings the tea."
Louis Berkofsky
HAND <smiles#NoSpam.bapp.com>
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I learnt very quickly that the only reason that would be accepted for not attending a committee meeting was that one already had a previous commitment to attend a meeting of another organization on the same day. I therefore invented a society, the Orion Society, a highly secret and very exclusive society that spawned a multitude of committees, subcommittees , working parties, evaluation groups ans so on that, regrettably, had a prior claim on my attention. Soon people wanted to learn more about this club and some even decided that they would like to join. However, it was always made clear to them that application were never entertained and that if they were deemed to qualify for membership they would be discreetly approached at the appropiate time. Sydney Brenner (South-African/British molecular biologist,1927-...) in "loose ends from current biology" (1997)
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From: Mark Frascinella Question: What's the difference between a tenured professor and a terrorist? Answer: The terrorist you can negotiate with.
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From: fc3a501#NoSpam.rzaix06.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann) Why are dead post-docs always incinerated (not burned)? The rot of a grad is always zero! (a matter of life and div)
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December 25
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
From: "Mr Funny Bone International"
Santa at College
Consider the following:
You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants".
Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers to do
all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits with the
work.
Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
Santa travels a lot.
Yup, Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!
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December 10
December 26
From: dr.p.Vyasamoorthy (pvm#NoSpam.satyam.jvnc.net)
LIST OF ONE LINERS FOR THE LIBRARIAN
The purpose of this collection is to help the librarian use them in the
librarary as display in reading rooms, on Book Marks, Envelops,
letterheads, personal letters, signature files etc. Most of these are
authored by me. Few are adaptations of well known proverbs or sayings.
Some are quotations. Feedback, additions, comments may be sent to:
Internet email : pvm#NoSpam.satyam.jvnc.net
======================================
1 Sleeping Aloud is not Allowed in this library!!
2 A book in the hand is worth two on the shelf!
3 A book a day keeps your Boss away!!
4 Only a fool lends his book expecting it to be returned.
5 The BOOK means BIBLE. So don't swear by the BOOK
6 Don't write in a book Unless it is your cheque book!
7 Reading begets Reading
8 Books and the Librarian wait for All.
9 The printed word is no guarantee of truth.
10 While reading is good, understanding is better
but teaching is best.
11 Books are sources of substitutional pleasure.
12 Better pay for a good book than to the consultant.
13 Here is a puzzle: Can you give a word which contains
'unquestionably' all the five vowels?
14 R.L.Stevenson wrote "Travel with a Donkey" while he was on
his honeymoon!
15 Here is one of the longest among English words: Pneumono
ultramicroscopico volcanoeoniosis.
16 If you are thin don't eat fast. If you are fat don't eat. Fast.
17 The weaker sex is stronger because of the weakness of
the stronger sex for the weaker sex!
18 Louis the 14th invented High heel shoes when he found that
his consort was too short to kiss!
19 You may borrow a book and read it too!
20 Books may be used for cooking facts.
21 Too many authors spoil the book.
22 Spare a book and spoil your mood.
23 You can't remember what you never read.
24 'Never-read-books' do no harm.
25 Don't be a book worm. Put ideas into practice.
26 Books are silent teachers.
27 A book and its readers go together.
28 What is common between a woman and a book? You can take
both of them to bed.
29 Another name for a librarian: He is an information out-dater.
30 Don't do all the talking in the library. Please reserve some
for other places as well!
31 Do you know that there are no words rhyming with "ORANGE"
or for that matter with "MONTH"?
32 There was an automobile accident in Kansas city in 1904
At that time there were only two cars registered!
33 He was a beautiful lass and he, a loving male. He praised
her figure in English, French and Braille!
34 Better read it now than wish you would read it someday!
35 Better late than never holds good for returning a borrowed
book too!
36 Books of a subject stock together.
37 Good books need no push!
38 First law of library science: Books are for use.
39 Books concealed are books lost.
40 Second Law of Library Science.: Every reader his book.
41 There is no education without books.
42 Third law of library science: Every book its reader.
43 Write a book if you can't read a book!
44 Fourth law of library Science: Save the time of the reader.
45 Library is no place for romance.
46 Fifth Law of library science: Library is a growing organism.
47 Some are wise and some others are otherwise.
48 Some book is better than no book on a rainy day.
49 Some books promise much but offer little.
50 Neccessity is the mother of reading to most students.
51 Lend your books and lose your friends.
52 Library catalog proves that the librarian exists.
53 The library is no place to sleep.
54 Want to locate an address? Go to the library.
55 A book misplaced is a book lost.
56 Want to know about courses of study? Go to the library.
57 A never read book is always new.
58 Want to read newspapers? Go to the library.
59 On the exam eve even notes will do.
60 Want to know a phone number? Go to the library.
61 A show of books is no proof of wisdom.
62 The book that is misplaced is the book you need.
63 A good book never lacks readers.
64 Torn out books are most used books.
65 Readers are the best publicity for a book.
66 A torn book is better than a never touched book.
67 Books beget books.
68 Too many authors spoil a book.
69 Oscar Wilde : There is no such thing as a moral or immoral
book. Books are well written or badly written. That's all
70 Milton: A good book is a precious life-blood of a
master-spirit embalmed and treasured upon purpose to a life
beyond life.
71 Melville: To produce a mighty book you must choose a mighty
theme
72 Bacon: Some books are to tasted; Others are to swollowed and
Some few to be chewed and digested.
73 Carlyle: The true university of these days is a collection
of BOOKS.
74 Read a book - You can become friendly at least with the
author. Write a book if you want to get instant enemies.
75 A book jacket promises to showinteresting contents.
So does a saree; But both dissapoint most of the times!
76 Many books are written because they should not have been!
77 Life is a mystery novel where the last few pages are torn.
78 Read books : There is no tax on it as of now!
79 Dog eared books are better than never read books.
80 Books are good travel companions : They don't nag.
81 Take to a book on a holiday.
82 "Better Late than never " applies to returning books too.
83 In this library readership is worshipped. Please be silent
and let others concentrate on what they are reading.
84 You may smoke any number of cigarettes once from this library
you are out.
85 That was a different type of a book : From the beginning
to it was interesting to none!
86 You might have about citation Index. Hace you heard of
"uncitedness" as well?
87 Nature is a book of which god is the author.
88 A candle that lights another does not lose anything.
89 You can borrow a book and return it too.
90 A book (returned) in time saves time.
91 Sleeping allowed. But not aloud!
92 P Jisha : Library is the graveyard of the greatest minds
where the students fear to tread!
93 S Johnson : Your manuscript is both good and original; but
what is good is not original and what is original is not good.
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From: Jurrien Vroom <J.M.Vroom#NoSpam.fys.ruu.nl>
From Ann Landers column, The Boston Globe, Feb. 20, 1995
Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University
1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew and Greek.
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects
10. He rarely came to class and just told students to "Read the Book"
11. Some say He had His son teach the class
12. He expelled His first two students for learning.
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed
15. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
16. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the
sample.
From: fyikat#NoSpam.aol.com (Fyikat)
17. His first 2 experiments he threw out.
From: Stuart Anderson <sanders#NoSpam.nospamsmartchat.net.au>
18. No record of working well with colleagues.
From: KatharinaGutsche#NoSpam.auto-thera.com
19. His last publication was way too far back in the past.
20. Nobody has ever been able to replicate his experiment.
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From: "Rita Stanley" <ritastan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net> Reasons he did not want a Phd. 1. He got tired of people telling Him that Ph.D. means "piled higher and deeper" 2. He got tired of people telling Him that Ph.D. really means Phoney Doc or Phooey Doc. 3. He really wants to be an M.D.
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