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April 23
From: Aliquotes iv.vi (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
AS THEY LIKE IT
By: Wm Shakespipette
All the world's a lab,
And all the men and women merely subjects:
They have theri theses and exams,
And one doc in his time plans many experiments
His notes in seven stages. At first the _undergrad_,
mewlink and puking at the frat house jams.
And then the winning _doctorate_, with his papers
And statistical analysis, doing just enough
If only to graduate. And then the _postdoc_,
Wailing like hell, with a woeful ballad
Of experiments gone sour. Then _assoicate prof_,
Full of strange theories and requiring a tech,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in temper,
Seeking the bubble reputation
While kissing the chairman's butt. And then the _tenure_,
In fair round belly with good postdocs lined,
With eyes severe and pen to thesis cut,
Full of wise saws and forgotten techniques;
And so he plays his part. The sixt stage shifts
To the lean and slippered _chair_
With spectacles on nose and job on the side,
His theories of youth, well saved, a world to weird
For his shrunk grant; and so his "go get'em" attitude
Turning again towards mild caution, tempered
Theories all around. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is status _emeritus_ and mere oblivion,
sans students, sans postdocs, sans grants, sans everything.
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From Hello i'm an Alien (TiddyOgg#NoSpam.half.co.ck) My son stood alone with head bowed. On his thesis he pondered aloud: "It's quite good, it's true, But what can I do, To make it stand out from the crowd." My answer, I'm sure you'll surmise, He greeted with some great surprise: "Compose it young Jim, In the form of a lim, You'll be sure to achieve a great prize." Tiddy Ogg. cf. "The Application Of Polymeric Compounds In High Temperature Spectroscopy." by JamesGawain Ogg, University of Rockall, 1998.
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Januari 14
Januari 27
From: "Zine" <jrasmuss#NoSpam.iupui.edu>
JABBERWOCKY A LA ACADEME
'Twas spring break, and the student droves
Did drink and snorkle in Florida:
Most times mainly without clothes,
And their Lit and Math ignorida.
"Beware the Professor, my son!
The jaws that lecture, the hands that grade!
Beware the Teaching Assistant: shun!
And the frumpy Librarian evade!"
He took his laptop computer in hand:
Long time the passing grade he sought--
But rested he in lecture-hall dreamland,
and dreamed awhile of nought.
And, while in daydreamy thought he drooled,
The Professor, with sinusitis a flame,
Came sniffling into the lecture hall,
And teaching as he came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The Prof wrote theorem, lemma, proof!
But alas, the laptop battery went dead
and all the notes went "poof."
"And hast thou pleased the Professor?
Come to my arms, my Baccalaureate boy!
O Graduation day!" But "Student loans to
pay," his son replied without joy.
'Twas spring break, and the unemployed droves
Did drink and snorkle in Florida:
Most times mainly without clothes,
And their resumes ignorida.
--
If you forward this messsage, please include this as the source:
"S k e w ! a journal on the rrragged edge of academe"
http://psychology.iupui.edu/skew/splash.htm
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From: LBlades595#NoSpam.aol.com (Lucy Blades) Now I lay me down to study, I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. If I should fail to learn this junk I pray the Lord I shall not flunk. If I do, don't pity me at all; Just lay my bones in the exam hall, Tell the teacher I did my best, Then pile my books upon my chest. Now I lay me down to rest I pray I'll pass tomorrow's test And if I should die before I wake, That's one less test I'll have to take. Amen. By Lucy Blades.
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From: Nik Synytskyy <u1644126#NoSpam.csi.uottawa.ca>
On a lecture this lim`ric was written
With boredom the author was smitten
`Cause Pascal does suck
Our TA is a shmuck
Who by mad dogs was surely bitten.
There was a bored student in Ottawa
Who during a lecture once gottago
But being embarrased
His nature he harnessed
In the end he has met his um... WATERloo
Our TA has tried to be slick
Tried to write an applet with a glick
But he got all crashed
The appled has crashed
Entirely screwing the trick.
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Grant, oh God, Thy benedictions
on my theory's predictions
Lest the facts, when verified,
Show Thy servant to have lied.
May they make me B.Sc.
A Ph. D. and then
A D. Sc., and F. R. S.
A Times Obit. Amen.
Oh, Lord, I pray, forgive me please,
My unsuccesful syntheses,
Tho know'st, of course -- in Thy position --
I'm up angainst such competition.
Let not the hardened Editor,
With referee to quote,
Cut all may explanation out
And print it as a Not.
- Researcher's prayer, from: R.L. Weber (ed.), A random walk in Science,
the Institute of Physics, London, 1973,1974,1975.
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From: "Thomasson, Dave" <dave.thomasson#NoSpam.HERITAGE.ORG> April 15 October 1 True story: Benjamin Jowett, probably best known for his translations of Plato's Dialogues, posted the following poem on his office door at Oxford so his students wouldn't mispronounce his name: My name is Benjamin Jowett; What ever is known, I know it. I'm the master of this college; What I know not is not knowledge.
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From: "*G - P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com> There once was an old man of Esser, Whose knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And now he's a college professor.
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From: Theron Friedman (tzf#NoSpam.csl.biosci.arizona.edu)
The following was up on the bulletin board at
Planetary Geosciences Dept., University of Hawaii (Manoa) a few
years ago:
(tune: I've been working on the railroad)
I've been working on my thesis
19 hours a day ...
I've been working on my thesis
Wasting all my youth away ...
I hear my committee mumbling
questions large and small
Can't you hear them all a-shouting
"Publish by the fall!"
Data won't you show
Data won't you show
Data won't you show something new-ew-ew
Data won't you show
Data won't you show
Data won't you show something new.
Someone's been fiddling with my data
Someone's been feeling pretty blue-oo-oo
Someone's been playing with the numbers
Now they show something new!
Fee-fie fiddle away
Fee-fie fudge fudge fay
Fee-fie twiddle tweak twee
I'll get my Ph.D.!
.... author unknown
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December 25
Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes
From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>
A College Version of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before finals, And all through the college,
The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing,
And dreading exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books,
And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver,
But each place I called Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel,
With futures depending on grades had in school.
When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off Ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She started to bellow:
"What kind of student Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!"
Her message delivered, She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."
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December 25 Special Category: Christmas Science Jokes The Twelve Days of Research (To be sung to the tune of "The Twelve days of Christmas") On the first day of research, My Prof he said to me, Make us a cup of tea On the second day of research, My Prof he said to me, Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the third day of research My Prof he said to me, Tutor three new students who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the fourth day of research My Prof he said to me, Fabricate some data Tutor three new students who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the fifth day of research My Prof he said to me, TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the sixth day of research My Prof he said to me, Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the seventh day of research My Prof he said to me Go to Summer school Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you Make us a cup of tea On the eighth day of research My Prof he said to me Get some bloody funding Go to summer school Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the ninth day of research My Prof he said to me No I haven't read it Get some bloody funding go to summer school Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the tenth day of research My Prof he said to me Where's your bloody thesis No I haven't read it Get some bloody funding Go to summer school Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the eleventh day of research My Prof he said to me Pull yourself together Where's your bloody thesis No I haven't read it Get some bloody funding Go to Summer school Plagiarise some papers TAKE an MSc Fabricate some data Tutor three new students Who the hell are you? Make us a cup of tea On the first day of research My Prof he said to me: AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT YOUR B S C.
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