Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:7.3 remarkable scientific sayings from school children and students

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From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>
                           SCIENTISTS EXPLAINED

People who work in the fields of science and engineering are not like other
people. This can be frustrating to the non-technical people who have to
deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to
understand their motivations. The following analysis will teach you
everything you need to know. Their customs and mannerisms were learnt by
observing them, much the same way Jane Goodall learnt about the great apes,
but without the hassles of grooming.



Science is so trendy these days that everyone wants to be one. the word
'scientist' is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you
think is trying to pass as a scientist, give him/her this test to discern
the truth:

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.

B. Ignore it.

C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,
self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the
inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who
writes "it depends" in the margin of the test or who simply blames the whole
stupid thing on "marketing".


Scientists have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.

"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social

* Stimulating and thought provoking conversation;
* Important social contacts;
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to "normal" people, scientists have rational objectives for
social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible;
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


To the scientist, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two
catagories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need
to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.

Scientists like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily
available, they will create their own. "Normal" people don't understand this
concept, they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Scientists
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No scientist looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would
take to turn it into a stun gun. No scientist can take a shower without
wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.

To the scientist, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
feature-poor toys.


Clothes are the lowest priority for a scientist, assuming the basic
thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages
are freezing or sticking together, and no genitalia or mammary glands are
swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.


Scientists love all of the Star Trek TV shows and movies. It's a small
wonder, since the scientists on the USS Enterprise are portrayed as heroes,
occasionally even having sex with aliens. this is much more glamorous than
the life of a real scientist, which consists of hiding from the Universe and
having sex without the participation of any other life forms.


Dating is never easy for scientists. A "normal" person will employ various
indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of
attractiveness. Scientists are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, scientists have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised
as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,
and handy around the house. While it's true that most "normal" people would
prefer note to date a scientist, most normal people harbour an intense
desire to mate with them, thus producing scientist-like children who will
have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male scientists reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than most
"normal" men, becoming irresistable erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to
late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistable men in
technical professions:

* Bill Gates
* MacGyver

Female scientists become irresistable at the age of consent and remain that
way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a
warm day.


Scientists are always honest in matters of technology and human
relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep scientists away from
customers, romantic interests and other people who can't handle the truth.

Scientists sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that
sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to
believe them. The complete list of scientist lies is stated below:

 "I won't change anything without asking you first."
 "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
 "I have to have new equipment to do my job/research."
 "I'm not jealous of your new computer."


Scientists are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean
spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem
in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining
the greatest amount of cash?"


If there is one trait that best defines a scientist, it is the ability to
concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in
the environment.

This sometimes causes scientists to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some
funeral homes in high tech areas have started checking resumes before
processing the bodies. Anybody with a B.Sc. or experience in computer
programming is propped up in a lounge for a few days just to see if he or
she snaps out of it.

10. RISK

Scientists hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is
understandable, given that when a scientist makes a mistake, the media will
treat it like it's a big deal or something.

Examples of Bad Press for Scientists:

* Hindenburg
* Challenger
* SPANet (tm)
* Hubble Space Telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto

The risk/reward calculation for scientists looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, scientists evaluate this balance of risks and
rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid
risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons
that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the scientist
will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but
it will cost too much."

11. EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to scientists:

* How smart they are;
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get a scientist to solve a problem is to declare that
the problem is unsolvable. No scientist can walk away from an unsolvable
problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get
the scientist off the case. These types of challenges quickly become
personal - a battle between the scientist and the laws of nature.

Scientists will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem
(other times just because they forgot). And when they succeed in solving
the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and
we're including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the scientist than the suggestion that
somebody else has more technical skill. "Normal" people sometimes use that
knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the scientist.

When a scientist says that something can't be done (a code phrase that
means it's not fun to do), some clever "normal" people have learnt to
glance at the scientist with a look of compassion and pity, and say
something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how
to solve difficult problems."

At that point it is a good idea for the "normal" person to not stand
between the scientist and the problem. The scientist will set upon the
problem like a starved chihuahua on a pork chop.

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From: Paul Brady <john.brady#NoSpam.ic.ac.uk>
University(college etc) is a fountain of knowledge where people go to

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From: duncan#NoSpam.rmy.emory.edu (Sara Duncan)

(I wrote this myself while lamenting the plight of the pitiful graduate
student that I am. Thus, it is original and, alas, is all the research I 
have managed to do this summer.
Sara Duncan duncan#NoSpam.rmy.rmy.emory.edu)

 The Pedagological Tribal System of Primitive Cultures of the
 Scientific Research Community

     This study deals with a pedagological tribal system with
     definite, almost overwhelming paternalistic mores and codes.
     I had had some difficulty studying these tribes because they are
     quite fierce and  often impossible to communicate with except
     in their own languages, which are diverse and may have roots
     in latin. (I, however, tend to hold that these languages are a
     development of the tribes themselves and are a major
     contributory factor in their continued isolation from the
     global community.) In general, members also appear to have
     little ability to learn new languages. To overcome these
     barriers, I am attempting to infiltrate a tribe and become a
     full-fledged member of it. I am currently undergoing
     initiation rites in a southeastern tribe called "Physiology
     and Pharmacology". This is a preliminary report of my current
     The adult males of any of the tribes which can be grouped
     under the broad designation "researchers"  are called
     "professors" and sometimes "doctors".
     The terms are not entirely interchangeable as the
     higher ranking males are always referred to as "doctor"
     whereas "professor" is a more generic term for all adult
     males who have completed any variation of the initiation
     process which is called "graduate school".

     There are two groups of females in this culture, one group is
     granted low ranking status as a quasi-male with
     responsibilities similar to the very low-ranking males. They 
     are referred to as "professors" also, but are never actually
     allowed to progress beyond certain set heirarchial levels.
     This group is not often granted reproductive status. The
     second group of females could be classified as sub-adult, as
     they are never granted any of the rights of the full adult,
     which is, of course, always male or quasi-male. They are
     termed "professor's wives" and may only assume any status
     through the male to whom they are attached and by telephone
     calls to secretaries. The phone calling privilege is unique to
     the "professor's wife" and is *never* usurped.
     Interestingly, offspring of these unions are not acknowledged
     within the culture and leave the tribe upon reaching
     Reproduction is quite unusual and very interesting! The
     tribes call this "recruitment". Several select members of the
     tribe, usually middle-ranking males and even a few quasi-male
     females travel to distant tribes called "undergraduate
     colleges" where they put on quite lovely displays and make
     generous offers to the neonates from the "undergraduate
     colleges". This is similar to courtship in some cultures, but
     is directed at procuring neonates. The neonates put on a
     secondary display for the professors of their choosen tribe,
     wherein they accept the wonderous offers. These are very
     intricate dances, and only the best research tribes and neonates
     are successful.
     Once the new tribe members have arrived at their new tribe,
     however, initiation may take anywhere from four to
     seven years. I have seen examples of initiates being
     subjected to trials for eight years! This does vary somewhat,
     but the general rule is an extrordinarily long and quite
     demanding set of incomprehensible tests that the candidates
     for initiation must perform well on. These are similar to the
     tribes of Africa who have to walk on hot coals in bare feet or
     draw elaborate scars on all parts of their bodies. The
     actual trials are called "preliminary exams" "qualifying
     exams" and, of course the dreaded "dissertation defense" rite.

     Unfortunatly, I have not yet been made privy to all the
     inuendos of this final rite. Although I have been allowed to
     watch during several. I was actually required to watch this
     horrible test of human ability to withstand the agony of hours
     of questions in very highly ceremonial language, many words of
     which I am not yet informed. The medicine man of the tribe
     changes for each different initiate. He is called the "major
     professor", possibly referring to his power during the rite of
     passage. The power of the medicine man is reflected on the
     initiate and will follow him through his entire adult life.

     These tribes have not yet been well characterized. This is
     understandable in light of the extreme reclusivity and
     exclusivity of all of the research tribes I have encountered.
     Yet this should not preclude further in-depth analysis of a
     truly unique way of life. I shall continue work within my
     present tribe in hopes of becoming a full fledged member, as
     it were, and of coming to full understanding of this culture.

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From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.

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From: Daniel Yoo <dyoo#NoSpam.sfu.ca>
Studying expands knowledge,

 Knowledge is power,

  Power corrupts,

   Corruption is a crime,

    Crime doesn't pay.

Why study?

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From: mini-AIR <marca#NoSpam.wilson.harvard.edu>
1997-04-05	Advice for Researchers

Here are some useful bits of advice for researchers. They were
devised or plagiarized by three of AIR's most experienced
editorial board members.

>From Earle Spamer, Academy of Natural Sciences, Philadelphia:
1.	Stare out a window frequently;
        it inspires thoughtfulness among others.
2.	Doze only when looking through a microscope;
        no one will know.
3.	Lend only dry pens to those who ask to borrow one;
        eventually, they will leave you alone altogether.
4.	Fungal colonies in coffee cups DO constitute
        science experiments.
5.	Start practicing now to write the date with "2000"
        for the year.
6.	Young researchers should practice their
        Nobel acceptance speeches early in their careers;
        but leave the subject area blank for now.
7.	Always keep a tie in your desk for emergencies
        (this applies to men, mostly).
8.	Don't keep a stethoscope in your white lab coat pocket
        unless you are actually in the medical profession.
9.	Smile a lot; it makes others nervous.

>From Wendy Cooper, Australian National University, Canberra:
1.	Alwys use teh speling cheker.
2.	Don't take naps in the lab.
3.	Wear nothing under your lab coat.
4.	Be nice to experimental animals -- nobody has been able
        to disprove reincarnation.

>From Leonard Finegold, Drexel University, Philadelphia:
1.	My mother used to tell me to never repeat an experiment
        (lest I get a different result).

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From:BRIAN6#NoSpam.VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (who has a lightbulb collection)
September 4
Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
Q:  How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q:  How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. That is what their students are for.  (from Philip Clarke in New

A:  Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical
    modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for
    publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q:  How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to
    change a lightbulb?
A:  Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around
    arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q:  How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q:  How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
    he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q:  How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A:  It all depends on the size of the grant.
A:  Two and a professor to take credit.
A:  1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A:  I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a
    $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me
    how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this
    incredibly vital question.

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From Phil Lee (p.lee#NoSpam.barnsley.org)
Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A, The current theory is one but new theories are being put forward all
the time and with experimentation the old theory may be discredited.

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From: Tim.Nelson#NoSpam.Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)

Special Category: Old scientists never die...
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded

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Special Category: Definitions and terms

From: "*G - P*"
                          The College Dictionary

CAFETERIA: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria"
meaning to wretch.

MAJOR:   Area of study that no longer interest you.

STUDENT ATHLETE:   See "contradiction in terms."

GRADE:   Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

SUMMER SCHOOL:   A viable alternative to a summer job.

QUARTER:   The most coveted form of currency on campus.

HUNGER:   Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.

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From: Aliquotes v.vii (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)

You've just finished another aruous week in the lab and you'v nothing to
show for it.  Your phospo-proteins aren't, you used DNase when RNasing your
plasmid prep, you knocked out three of you colleagues when etherizing your
rats and you somehow managed to develop a new protocol for the productions
of trinitro-toluene.  You've pretty much reached wits end and you're ready
to quit.
Well, we at *Aliquotes* have decided to give you the following suggestions
to help you cope with weeks like these and remind you that life is good.

1.  Buck up, chum.  Life is okay and you just have to remind yourself that
you'r pretty darn special.  (This one hardly ever works and your friends
start to get really worried about you.  Beware of men carrying the white
coats with really long sleeves.)

2.  Talk to some of your colleagues or your supervisor and see if you can't
troubleshoot the problems, coming up with a solution which will be
beneficial to all.  (This one is rarely followed as it requires the
scientist to own up to the fact that there is a problem in the first
place.  It's bad enough that you feel terrible, but to look stupid in your
department would be just too much to bear.)

3.  Lower your standards for success.  Congratulations, you've been able to
get a mole of NaCl to dissolve in a litre of water and the pH meter said
that the pH4 standard had a pH of four!  (This one is good, but tends to
only last a little while before the pH meter starts to give you trouble and
you realize that you need more than 1M NaCl to finish your experiments.)

4.  Go find someone else in the department who is having a worse time than
you are and revel in the fact that it could be worse.  Try not to gloat
though as that is just crass.  (This is a pretty good one and will give you
some satisfaction for a week or so, but the joy tends to wear thin as you
begin to empathize with the individual and can no longer take joy from
their misfortune.  Also there is the serious risk that there is no one in
worse shape than you and everyone else is coming to your bench.)

5.  Visit a factory where people work at jobs requiring excessive and
strenuous effort or are involved in the endless tedium of punch cards and
paper pushing.  (This tends to scare people into submission and should only
be attempted under the most extreme cases.)

6.  Take a look at you C.V. and you will quickly realize that you are not
acually suited to any other form of employment.  (This one tends to only
depress people further as they realize that they are trapped and their only
other choice involves the expression, "Do you want fries with that?".)

7.  Go to the local drinking establishment and run up a tab which
challenges your student loans.  (This is clearly the most popular method
for dealing with stress.  The one draw back is that you walk in on Monday
morning with a large woolen sock around your tongue and the ability to
sense every corpuscle wich passes through the capillaries under the skin
of your scalp, but hey, you had a good weekend.)

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From: jsih#NoSpam.gort.ucsd.edu (Julie Sih)

Dear Fellow Scientist:

This letter has been around the world at least seven times.  It has
been to many major conferences.  Now it has come to you.  It will
bring you good fortune.  This is true even if you don't believe it.
But you must follow these instructions:

 -  include in your next journal article the citations below.
 -  remove the first citation from the list and add a
    citation to your journal article at the bottom.
 -  make ten copies and send them to colleagues.

Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times!  This will
amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your
sex life.  In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do
not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.

Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on
she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences.  Prof. M.
threw this letter away and was denied tenure.  In Japan, Dr. I.
received this letter and put it aside.  His article for Trans.
on Nephrology was rejected.  He found the letter and passed it on,
and his article was published that year in the New England Journal
of Medicine.  In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter,
and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated.  This
could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.

1. Miller, J. (1992). Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory
of light.  Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.

2. Johnson, S. (1991). Micturition in the canid family: the
irresistable pull of the hydrant. Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.

3. Anderson, R. (1990).  Your place or mine?: an empirical comparison
of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.

4. David, E. (1994). Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic
Optimization: Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks
with Emergent Symbolic Structure. (doctoral dissertation, University
of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea.

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From: Bernard T. Donovan <btdonov#NoSpam.rs6000.cmp.ilstu.edu>
                             WRITE THESIS FAST
This letter was first written by a graduate student in Europe in 1954
and has traveled around the world at least 16 times.  At first I
wouldn't believe that it would work, but after trying it, I am now a
believer in its mystical and magical power.

This letter was received by a graduate student in Chicago, IL in 1973
and within two weeks, he had completed a 5600 page doctoral
dissertation and began a career which lead to a Nobel Prize.  A few
years later, another graduate student received this letter and sent it
to 5 of her friends, and she too completed a 3100 page paper which has
continued to grow to this day!

Simply write five pages of text on the given subjects for each person
on this list.  Than place your name in slot #1 and move everyone else's
name down one space.  Send this letter to ten of your colleagues, and
within a month, you too will have a thesis or disertation which your
advisor can choke on if he or she doesn't go blind or break his or her
back first.
1.      Bernard T. Donovan, M.S. student in biochemistry
EPR spectroscopy of crud from my refrigerator

2.      James C. Messier, PhD. student in political science
The Cuban Missile Crisis: What if Nixon were president?

3.      Frances K. Allen, M.A. student in music theory
Development of polyphonic forms from Gregorian Chant

4.      Penny S. Jordan, PhD student in computer science
Is Windows 95 merely Mac 84?

5.      Thomas J. Quinn, MBA student
Bears and Bulls in the stock market, but what about Sox and Cubs?

The last person who received this letter and did not respond was
tormented by receiving 100-level teaching assignments until he was 40
years old.  Today he works as a clerk for the Little-Plastic-Pizza-Table
Museum in Cleveland, OH, making minimum wage and regretting his
terrible decision not to perpetuate this letter.

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   * Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
   * Says "Look at the choo-choo"
   * Wets himself with a water pistol
   * Plays in mud puddles
   * Mumbles to himself

   * Runs into buildings
   * Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
   * Is not issued ammunition
   * Can stay afloat with a life jacket
   * Talks to walls

   * Climbs walls continually
   * Rides the rails
   * Plays Russian Roulette
   * Walks on thin ice
   * Prays a lot

   * Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
   * Is run over by locomotives
   * Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
   * Treads water
   * Talks to animals

   * Barely clears a quonset hut
   * Loses tug of war with a locomotive
   * Can fire a speeding bullet
   * Swims well
   * Is occasionally addressed by God

   * Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
   * Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
   * Is faster than a speeding BB
   * Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
   * Talks with God if a special request is honored

   * Leaps short buildings in a single bound
   * Is more powerful than a switch engine
   * Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
   * Asks how much it costs to fill the pool
   * Talks with God

   * Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
   * Is more powerful than a locomotive
   * Is faster than a speeding bullet
   * Walks on water
   * Gives policy to God

   * Lifts buildings and walks under them
   * Kicks locomotives off the tracks
   * Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
   * Freezes water with a single glance
   * She's the closest thing to God, at any College

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From: brooks#NoSpam.bizauto.com (Brooks Hilliard)

I picked this up from the LACC list to which I subscribe:

>To: qotd#NoSpam.ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day mailing list)
>Subject: LACC: Quote of the day
>From: qotd-request#NoSpam.ensu.ucalgary.ca (Quote of the day)
>Date: Wed, 29 May 1996 05:50:01 -0600
>On 12/2/95, the weekly magazine "Science News" ran an article entitled
>"When not to photocopy", which prompted this letter from a reader:
>"Your article caused me serious concern.  Many of my faculty colleagues
> routinely photocopy material from journals, and sometimes they even
> distribute photocopies to classes or to their research groups.  They are
> not aware, I am sure, that they may be in hot water.
>"Therefore, I photocopied your article and distributed it in all the
> faculty and staff mailboxes in our department."
> (signed) Jimmie G. Edwards, Professor of Chemistry, University of
> Toledo, Toledo, Ohio, USA
> Submitted by: "John S. Karabaic" <jk#NoSpam.exnext.com>
>                  Mar. 11, 1996

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From: magidin#NoSpam.math.berkeley.edu (Arturo Magidin)

              Weekly Work Reports and the Moshinsky Maneuver

This is a true story, as told by my father, whose sister worked in the
ININ. It is called "The Moshinsky Maneuver":

At one point, in Mexico's National Institute of Nuclear Research (ININ),
instead of appointing a scientist as head of the Institute (as was
traditional), the president appointed an administrator.  The new Director
promptly enacted all sorts of administrative procedures and forms that had
to be filled by every department.  In particular, he announced that every
Department Head had to file a weekly Activities Report, and a weekly
"Projected Activities for the Coming Week" report, both to be delivered
during a weekly Department Head meeting with the Director.

Dr. Marcos Moshinsky was then the head of the Theoretical Physics
Department. This is how he dealt with the announcement:

At the first weekly meeting, the Theoretical Physics Dept.  presented the
following report:

"During the past week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. worked
 on solving the following differential equations:" and then followed two
pages of hand-written differential equations.

"During the coming week, the Theoretical Physics Dept. hopes
 to solve the following differential equations:"
and then followed three pages of hand-written differential

The Head of the Institute announced the next morning that the Theoretical
Physics Dept. was excused from the weekly meetings, and could present only
one report every six months.

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From: voros#NoSpam.physics.monash.edu.au (Joe Voros)

This sequence of notices was reported on the Faculty of
Education's News Sheet.  The name of the writer has been changed,
but follows the original form of signature each time.  Enjoy.


Third Year Noticeboard.


Friday, May 4, 1990.

Just a friendly reminder.  Please note that the last date for the
submission of continuous assessment essays is Friday May 18 1990.
Your essays should be handed to Maureen in the departmental
office on or before that day and a receipt obtained.

Generic Lecturer


Friday, May 18, 1990.

It rather looks as though some third year students have not yet
handed in their continuous assessment essays to Maureen in the
departmental office.  The FINAL deadline for the submission of
these essays is TUESDAY MAY 22.

Generic Lecturer (Prof)


Tuesday, May 22, 1990.

One or two third year students have still not handed in their
continuous assessment essays to Maureen in the departmental
office.  The ABSOLUTE AND FINAL deadline for submission of these
essays is FRIDAY MAY 25.  You are advised that failure to submit
by this date may have implications for your final mark.

G. Lecturer (Professor)


Friday, May 25, 1990.

Listen.  You lot really are pushing your luck this year. I know
that some of you are relying on the soft-hearted liberals and
pusillanimous social workers in the department to vote down any
system of penalizing late submissions but you should note that we
failed to get a draconian punishment system through by only one
vote last year and that means with our new and highly
authoritarian external examiner on the committee this year you
could be in for a very nasty shock indeed. (How about THREE marks
off your total for every day late?  What d'you think of that, eh?)
Unless you get those bleeding essays in to Maureen by Monday
morning May 28 at 9.30am, I will do my damnedest to ensure that
there'll be no reason whatsoever for YOUR mother to show up on
this campus on Graduation Day.

Professor G. Lecturer BA, MA, PhD.

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Special Category: You might be a scientist if...

                      **You might be a scientist...**

If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail.

If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50.

If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal
point in the right place.

If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
hanging coats and taping ducts.

If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
the burnt-out bulb in the string.

If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi
movie looking for technical inaccuracies.

If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area.

If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that
actually takes five minutes to run.

If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on
the radio in your work area for better reception.

If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project.

If you have never backed-up your hard drive.

If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it.

If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile

If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight.

If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to
the front to fix it.

If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary.

If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN
stands for.

If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting.

If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.

If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain
atmospheric absorption theory.

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From: "Ted Smith" <tcsmith#NoSpam.calweb.com>
Colleges don't make fools; they only develop them

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From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net>, Puns of the Weak
The PhD student did his research on the origin of curly braces "{" and
"}". I guess he was just doing a Parent-thesis (Amit Kumar Saxena)

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From: "Cerberus - Dog Of Hell" <cerNOberSPAMus#NoSpam.mystacy.NOfsnetSPAM.co.uk>
                     University Student's Dissertation

Hubert Humphrey was asked to be an advisor on a university student's
dissertation.  A request he accepted with delight.  All proceeded well and
on the date the paper was due the student delivered a nicely bound
copy. Two months went by and the student hadn't heard a word.  So, he went
to Mr.  Humphrey's office and asked him what he thought of the paper.

"Well," said Mr.  Humphrey, "I think it needs to be redone."

Although dejected, the student decided to take another crack at the

And two months later, the student delivered the new version to
Mr. Humphrey, and another month went by without hearing a word.  So, again,
the student went to see Mr. Humphrey, and again was told the paper had to
be redone.

Totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board and
rewrote the paper for a third time.  Two months later he returned to
Mr. Humphrey's office with the new term paper in hand and said to him,

"I've re-researched and rewritten to the extent that I've left no stone
unturned and no thought unanalysed.  There is just nothing more I can do."

"OK," said Mr.  Humphrey, "I guess I will read this one."

-- Cerberus Jokes -- From The Gates To Hades --

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