8. ACADEMIC LIFE

Subsections

8.8 EXAMS

Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:8.7 graduate students


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From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com
   I've no idea how true it is or if it's an Urban Legend.  This guy was
taking an exam in Trinity College here (old college, about 400 years old).
In the middle of the exam, he called a proctor and requested his pint of
ale.  The proctor, of course, just looked at him.
   Our hero then produced a copy of the *old* regulations which stipulated
that a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment.  The proctor
then reported to the college officials, who verified the existence of just
such a regulation.  The student was granted his one pint of beer ten
minutes before the end of the exam, and kicked back and drank his beer
while the other examinees frantically scrambled to finish the exam.
   The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes
in the future, checked the college regulations.  They then provided our man
with his glass of ale, but promptly fined him for not wearing his
ceremonial sword and shield to the examination.

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This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State
University.

The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:

An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"
Answer that question given the following:

   Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a
gold atom in which to dance.
   The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of
0.5 mm.

Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.

The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the
following answer:

I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0.

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From: KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net "Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird List"
Subject: Exams

GOOD!  YOU'RE LETTING IT OUT!

Tracy Thompson <thompson#NoSpam.spanport.umass.edu> relates:

I once wrote the word "kill" on a psychology final exam over and over
for an hour.

Strangely enough, I got an "A" on the exam in question.

(Then again, I didn't write the "kill" on it till after I got it back.)

Wei-Hwa Huang <whuang#NoSpam.ugcs.caltech.edu> [rec.humor.funny]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE STUDENT MIND DURING A FINAL EXAM

The last thoughts, and percentages of brain capacity

* 10%  The prof. never covered this section!
* 10%  Actual knowledge on the subject.
* 10%  The T.A.'s kinda cute!
* 10%  I knew I should have read the book!
* 10%  Soon this will all be behind me!
* 10%  I hope the curve is really low!
* 10%  PANIC ZONE!
* 10%  Prayers for a miracle flood, fire, tornado, hurricane,
earthquake...etc...
* 10%  Eeny, meeny, miny moe...
* 10%  Summer break!

HAND <smiles#NoSpam.bapp.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ELECTRONICS STUDENT IN AN INTERVIEW

Interviewer:  Why is a thicker conductor necessary to carry a current
              in A.C. as compared to D.C.?
Candidate:    An AC current goes up and down (drawing a sinusoid)
              and requires more space inside the wire, so the wire has
              to be thicker.

Interviewer:  How will you tell if that wall outlet carries AC or DC?
Candidate:    I will put my finger in.  If it is pushed away, it is DC.
              If it gets stuck, it was AC.

Interviewer:  How will you reverse direction of an induction motor?
Candidate:    I will remove the four bolts at the base, turn the motor
              around, and put back the bolts.

Interviewer:  How do you start a synchronous motor?
Candidate:    Vrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  (in rising pitch)
Interviewer:  Stop!  Stop!
Candidate:    rrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm  (in falling pitch)

Interviewer:  How do you limit surge current within an integrated
circuit?
Candidate:    By using a miniature circuit breaker.

External (to student):  Why does a capacitor block DC but allow AC
                        to pass through?

Student:      See, a capacitor is like this   ---| |--- , OK.
              DC Comes straight, like this ----------, and the capacitor
              stops it.  But AC, goes UP, DOWN, Up DOWN and jumps right
              over the capacitor!"

Examiner:               "What is a step-up transformer?"
Student:                "A transformer that is put on top of electric
                         poles."
Examiner (smiling):     "And then what is a step-down transformer?"
Student (hesitantly):   "Uh -- A transfomer that is put in the basement
                         or in a pit?"
Examiner (pouncing):    "Then what do you call a transformer that is
                         installed on the ground?"
(Student knows he is caught -- can't answer)
Examiner (impatiently):  "Well?"
Student (triumphantly):  "A stepless transformer, sir!"

David A. Rinke II <drinkeii#NoSpam.erie.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
JONATHAN LETHEM'S LATEST

From:  Jonathan Lethem's really quite wonderful new novel, _As She
Climbed Across the Table_ (Doubleday, 1997: ISBN 0-385-48517-4).

.....I looked at the clock.  I'd slept all night and morning, through
most of the last meeting of my freshman class.

I struggled back into my preworn clothing, my pretied shoes, ran to the
anthropology building, and rushed upstairs to the airless classroom.
Only one of my sixteen students remained.  He sat alone at his desk,
writing in his notebook with a ballpoint pen.  He looked up, astonished
at my arrival.

"Professor Engstrand."

"Angus."

"I'm almost done."

"Done with what?  Where did they all go?"

He blinked twice.  He looked frightened.

"Tell me what happened, Angus."

"We met and waited for you, sir.  Sat in our places.  But you didn't
come.  No one said anything.  Half an hour passed.  Then someone
suggested that your absence might represent some new form of final
exam.  Some arcane and menacing form, I believe those were the exact
words.  We laughed nervously at first.  But one by one we opened our
notebooks.  Began attempting to answer the question you were posing.
That's why it's a little unsettling to see you here, sir.  I was almost
finished.  The others handed in their papers to the department
secretary.  May I ask you a question, sir?"

"Yes, Angus."

"Does this mean I failed?"

"No, Angus.  There's no time limit.  Hand it in when you're done."

(page 159-160, and no, no names were changed)

Fred Burke <fburke#NoSpam.best.com> [alt.thinking.hurts]
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser#NoSpam.mail.otherwhen.com
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From: tsvetova#NoSpam.femto.cs.umn.edu (Maksim B. Tsvetovatyy)

In a high-level math class a prof gave a final with one question:
"Write a suitable final exam for this class (also supply a key)".
A student simply repeated the question and added "If this final exam is good
anough for prof. <insert name of prof>, it's good enough for me"

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From: Sarah Plummer <splummer#NoSpam.abacus.bates.edu>

I was also told this about happening at my college.  We'll see how many
schools have had the same story repeated there.  8)  In one of the houses
in which all the lacrosse/football players live they have a file of papers
for classes so people don't have to write them, they can just take a paper
previously written and change the name and hand it in.  Well, there was one
paper for a class which someone had written and gotten a B on.  But on the
corner of the front page was a little drawing of a whale.  The next year a
brother" took the class (we don't have frats on campus.  This is as close
as we get) and when he had to do the paper he just xeroxed the paper and got
a B on it as well.  Then the next time the class was offered another brother
took the paper and xeroxed it, but whited out the whale so the prof wouldn't
suspect that it was the same paper etc.  Well, he got a C on it.  When he
asked the prof why he got a C on it, when all the other people who copied the
paper got a B on it and he got a C and it was the same paper, the prof said
I liked the whale."

From: Stephen Satris <stephen#NoSpam.CLEMSON.EDU>

Simon J. Bronner has this story (which he says is also in a book by
Brunvand) and numerous others (see his Piled Higher and Deeper [1990],
pp. 39-40).

From: rhawkins#NoSpam.iastate.edu (R E HAWKINS)

Or from my father.  A student questioned his 0 on a test.  "But these
are the same answers as Tran, and he got hundred percent."
"Tran had a different test."

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                        UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM

                         ____________________University

 To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

 I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be
 changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

 ______1.    The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.

 ______2.    The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.

 ______3.    This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get
             into:
             ______ Law School
             ______Medical School          ______Graduate School
             ______Dental School           ______My Fraternity/Sorority
             ______The Mickey Mouse Club   ______Tri County Tech

 ______4.    I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in
             _______________.

 ______5.    I'll lose my scholarship.

 ______6.    I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy
             of your exam.

 ______7.    I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used
             did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

 ______8.    I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every
             little fact.

 ______9.    I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams
             asked about general principles.

 _____10.    You are prejudiced against:
             ______Males         ______Jews          ______Blacks
             ______Females       ______Catholics     ______Whites
             ______Protestants   ______Moslems       ______Minorities
             ______Chicanos      ______People        ______Students

 _____11.    If I flunk out of school my father will
             disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

 _____12.    I was unable to do well in this course because of the following
             illness:
             ______mono                  ______broken baby finger
             ______acute alcoholism      ______pregnancy
             ______VD                    ______fatherhood

 _____13.    You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly
             how you wanted that done.

 _____14.    I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

 _____15.    I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

 _____16.    The lectures were:
             ______too detailed to pick out important points
             ______not explained in sufficient detail
             ______too boring
             ______all jokes and not enough material
             ______all of the above
 _____17.    This course was:

             ______too early, I was not awake.
             ______at lunchtime, I was hungry
             ______too late, I was tired

 _____18.    My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my
             (book, notes, paper) for this course.

 _____19.    Other___________________________________________________

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From: Nathan Mates (nathan#NoSpam.cco.caltech.edu)

                       STUDENT RAISE OF GRADE FORM

 Dear Professor:_________________________________________Date:_______________

     My grade in __________________________ should be raised from __________
 to ______ because:

 1.  There must be a mistake somewhere.
 2.  I was not well at the time of the examination.
 3.  My mind always goes blank during an examination.
 4.  This mark ruined my prospect of getting a scholarship.
 5.  This is the only course in which I received a poor grade
 6.  This mark grieved my mother (or Father). whose pride I am.
 7.  Conditions in the room were not conductive to concentration.
 8.  The examination was unfair and unfairly distributed over the
subject
 9.  I have to work after school and nights; therefore I should be
given a break.
 10. I am married; therefore, I should be given a break.
 11. I would have done much better if I had taken the examination give
to one of the other sections.
 12. Several people around me copied from my paper during the
examination yet they received higher marks than I did. Surely this is
not fair.
 13. The reason I did not do better is because I am very honest. I do
no wish to say anything against any other members of the class.
 14. I know many of the class members who do not work as hard as I do
an who got a better grade. I am recognized among my classmates as a
good student - you just ask any one of them.
 15. The question were ambiguous, and therefore, my answers should be
graded according to the reasonable interpretations that I made of your
questions.
 16. Many of the questions could not be answered with straight facts;
they were matters of opinion. I do not believe I should be penalize
just because my opinions differ from those of the instructor.
 17. I have studied this subject from the broad philosophical
viewpoint and therefore, I was unable to answer your technical-based
question
 18. I am philosophically oriented to the realm of ideas; I respond to
the sweep and scope of great intellects. My work is beyond the
interest in petty details and parrot-like memorizing of those who are
merely students
 19. At the time of the exam, I was suffering from a severe case of
cognitive dissonance and was incapable of coping with the stress of
the hour.
 20. It is not a higher mark I seek; I care nothing about marks; I
think marks are wicked and I disapprove of them. However, this
pernicious system of which I am a victim requires marks for achieving
success and therefore, I seek a higher mark.


                                 Signed_________________________________

Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan#NoSpam.cco.caltech.edu)

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From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.
The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?

Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.

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From: "C e r b e r u s  -  T h e  D o g  O f  H e l l"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out
all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.  Once the test was over
the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one
of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A
dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got
back his test and $64 change....


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From: hjiwa#NoSpam.nor.chevron.com
Selections From The Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test (the S.A.P.)

English

1.  Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
    a.   b.   c.   d.   e. none of the above

2.  ingot:bleak   ::   ingot:_______
    a. tepid   b. gold   c. oak   d. bolonga   e. bleak

3.  pork:algae   ::   green:_______
    a. six   b. five   c. ten   d. marble   e. red

4.  mugger:park   ::   king:_______
    a. castle   b. burger   c. queen   d. Jacuzzi   e. bleak

Reading Comprehension

Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.

In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper atmosphere,
some scientists contend that it also affects the weather.  These contentions,
however, are for the most part unconfirmed and some are very dubious.  Even
further afield, a British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza A virus
have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."  Correlatons of
biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as this one, are generally not
taken seriously by most Western scientists.  Many researchers in the Soviet
Union, however, do believe in such possibilities, including even a correlation
of sunspots with outbreaks of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.

1.  In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
    a. Japanese   b. Urdu   c. Bengali   d. British   e. Media

2.  The term "most Western" means
    a. Hawaii   b. John Ford's longest film   c. nothing   d. correct

3.  A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
    a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
    b. The sun has sunspots
    c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
    d. all of the above

Mathematics

1.  Which of the following is a number?
    a. blue   b. Jacques Cousteau   c. watermelon   d. John Doe   e. 5

2.  If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine and weighs 70
    pounds, what is the probability that Juan can get anything he wants from
    Grover?
    a. 0%   b. 100%   c. a and b   d. a only   e. b only

3.  Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch.  The pawnbroker gives
    him eleven dollars for it and then sells it for a hundred and twenty-five.
    What was the relative rate of mark-up in the watch in relation to half of
    its worth, if the worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference
    between the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
    watch's value?
    a. 100   b. 50   c. 75   d. 115   e. none of the above

                                           /\50 6/\
5. Calculate the shaded area             6/  \__/  \2
    of the figure at the right.          /     2    |
    a. 0   b. 50%   c. c only            \    /\    |
    d. the answer is a                   9\  /7 \   |10
    e. go back, it's a                     \/   8\__|

6.  Grant McSwine is a repairman.  If he tells Mr. White that it will take him
    about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will it really take him?
    a. six weeks   b. half an hour   c. about three hundred dollars longer
    d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated

Quantitative Comparison

In the following questions, you are asked to compare two quantities.  These
quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither. On your answer sheet,
choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b are equal, choose c if a is bigger,
choose d if neither one is bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the
answer cannot be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
idea.

a. 2                       b. 15
a. the area of a circle    b. the area of a square
   whose area is 10           whose area is 10
a. my dad                  b. your dad
a. New York City           b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something               b. nothing
a. a mountain              b. a molehill

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From: nathan#NoSpam.visi.com
50 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter

(i. e.  you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get
on the final exam)


1. Bring a pillow.  Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes.  Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some
gibberish work.  Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form.  If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.  Be creative.  Use the
integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam.  Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam.  Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud.  If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk
the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down.  About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.  I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are
you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ).  Play with the volume at max
level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question.  For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs.  Be
creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically.  Breathe a sigh of
relief.  Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one.  Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.  Be as
vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language.  If you don't know one, make
one up!For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage.  Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam.  Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive.  Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it.  As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.  If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB.  BABE.
etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker.  Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam.  Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e.  Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving
after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk.  (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly.  If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper.  DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak.  After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera"
until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture.  Fight for your right to take
the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.  Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.  Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop.  When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of.  Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations.  If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life
story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam.  Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . .
like history notes for a calculus exam. . .  otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.  Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer.  Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol.  Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often.  Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . .  sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you.  Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes.  If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals.  Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

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From: "Djemma Tsourova" <gemmasour#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

What was the one about the Philosophy Final.... 
The paper read "Is this a question?" and the student wrote "Is this an
answer?" Easiest A ever!!!


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From: Chris N BJerke <chris_b50#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

When I was taking physics one of the students thought it would help to try
and pay for points on the mid-term.  He paper clipped a $100 bill and a
note that read $1 a point to his mid-term before handing it in.  The
following week when we got the papers back the prof had returned his paper
with $61 changs and a note that read 'Thanks'

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The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (620 students) for a Calculus final.
Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked.  He was
one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out
how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since
he was so busy gallivanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated
and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their
failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed
tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a
mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.

During this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent
grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did
poorly when rushed, and this guy standing in the front of the room barking
out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in didn't help
him at all. He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he
hardly flinched when the professor said "pencils down and submit your
Scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".

Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into forty... almost
an hour after the test was "officially over", our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to
submit his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the
room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

"What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood
in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked
piles of exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of
papers while he waited) It was clear that the professor had waited only to
give the student a hard time.

"Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently. "I'm afraid I have
some bad news for you," the professor gloated, "Your exam is an hour
late. You've failed it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you
repeat my course." The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you
know who I am?"

"What?" replied the professor gruffly, annoyed that the student showed no
sign of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name
is?"

"No", snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I
didn't think so", as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his
test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his
test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge
lecture hall.

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From: "Mr  Funny  Bone  International"

It had been 4 hard, gruelling years of computer science courses for John,
but the end was in sight, with only one more semester before graduation.
However, he realized he still needed one more general science class to
fulfil his graduation requirements. Rushing to register, he found the only
course still available was on "Birds and their habitats".  Reluctantly,
John signed up.

Like many elective courses at the university, the class was large, and
generally taught by one of the professor's assistants. As the semester
continued, the work load increased, and he found himself spending more and
more time studying birds.  To make matters worst, the professor offered
only one test at the end of the semester to determine each students grade -
It was all-or- nothing.  Two weeks prior to the final, John began cramming
and re-reading the class books and his notes.  As he walked in to the exam
room, he was confident that he would not only pass but would fly through
the test with little effort.

As John began the final, he discovered that each question cantered around a
picture of... a pair of bird legs.  He was to identify each bird by its
legs, and then answer the corresponding question.  He could not believe it
- he had studied so hard, and it all came down to his ability to identify
birds by their LEGS? He answered best he could, but after struggling with
the test for over an hour, John marched down to the front where the
professor of the class was standing and slammed the test down into the pile
of other exam books.

"This is the sorriest class and you are the worst professor on this
campus."

As he started out the door the shocked professor yelled back, "What is your
name, young man?"

John turned, pulled up his pants legs, held his bare leg in the air, and
replied,

"You're so smart, you figure it out!"

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From: Virgilio Velasco (vxv4#NoSpam.po.CWRU.Edu)
 It's almost finals time, and I feel like Schrodinger's cat
  -- half-dead.    
                           -- Virgilio "Dean" Velasco Jr.

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From : tomas_thefox2003#NoSpam.yahoo.ie (Tomेs Fuchsbauer)

During the 1985/1986 academic year at Dublin City University (then still
named The NIHED - The National Institute for Higher Education Dublin), I
found this priceless piece of wisdom on one of the 'General Notice Boards’
:
'Beat the End-of-Year rush. Fail your 'Final Exams’ NOW !!'

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From: "Anonymous sender"

Meeting in the room of the Head of Teaching in the Department of Applied
Moths in the University of Escafeld.  Present are the HoT, Professor
Zinoviev, Dr Loo and Professor Prim.

HoT:  I just had a report from the Staff-Student Committee and we seem to
have a real problem with that multiple choice paper you three set this year.

P: Really?  I thought they did quite well on it.

HoT:  That is part of the problem.  Possibly they did too well, but not well
enough.

Z: Can't understand that.  Can you elaborate?

HoT:  First can I ask who set the paper?

P: Not me, Z offered to set it.

Z: Actually, I passed it on to my underling L to set.

HoT:  Were you aware that the paper was identical to last year's paper?

L: Not a bad idea really.  After all, how could the candidates possibly
guess they would get the same paper as last year's students?  It would be
difficult to predict that.

HoT: Fair enough, but this was an open book exam wasn't it?

P: Yes, they can take in any coursework they like, papers, books, etc.

HoT: So they could take in last year's paper...

Z: Yes....

HoT: ...and last year's solution sheet, which you duplicated for them?

P: Er, yes, I suppose so!  That hadn't occurred to me.

Z: But what exactly is the point of their complaining?  They all got good
marks, fortuitously as it turns out.

HoT:  Oh no, that isn't the problem!  The problem was that there were quite
a few mistakes on the solution sheet they took in, which you used to mark
their solutions.

Z: Oh dear!  That would explain the high marks, but I did spot those
mistakes this year and marked accordingly.  I can see there is a problem,
but why are they complaining?

HoT: Sorry, you haven't got the point yet have you?  This year's students
aren't complaining, they had an easy paper!  It's last year's students who
are complaining.  You see, they got quite low marks last year, and would
like to know...

P, Z, L: Oh dear...

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From: FunHunter <armataultra#NoSpam.gmail.com>

Philosophy Final Exam

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you’ve learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST." So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn’t exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers. Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades … and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class. His answer to the question: "What chair?"

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From: "*G - P*" <G*P#NoSpam.G*P.Com>

Anything

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "... I would do... anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

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