Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:8.6 In the classroom

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The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer:

    * Pocket calculator

    * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair
      (Choose any of the above)

    * IBM PC

    * Apple Macintosh

    * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice)

    * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice)

And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities:

*******     G R A D U A T E   S T U D E N T S    ********

Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly
graduate students.  Imagine the advantages:

    * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have
      students.  You can easily add more power by promising more
      desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college
      through your guidance.  Special student units can even
      handle several tasks *on*their*own*!

    * Full voice recognition interface.  Never touch a keyboard or
      mouse again.  Just mumble commands and they *will* be
      understood (or else!).

    * No hardware upgrades and no installation required.  Every
      student comes complete with all hardware necessary.  Never
      again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation!
      Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing
      utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous
      end) and off it goes.

    * Low maintenance.  Remember when that hard disk crashed in
      your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit
      bucket in the sky?  This won't happen with grad. students.
      All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!*
      upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run
      good as new.

    * Abuse module.  Imagine yelling expletives at your computer.
      Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there
      and ignores you.  Through the grad student abuse module you
      can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot!

    * Built-in lifetime.  Remember that awful feeling two years
      after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new
      faculty member on the block sneered at you because his
      FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your
      dinosaur?  This doesn't happen with grad. students.  When
      they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them
      the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for
      themselves.  Out of sight, out of mind!

    * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane
      equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy
      chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely
      synthetic macaroni replacements.  It is entirely unnecessary
      to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does
      get them going a little faster from time to time).

    * Expansion options.  If your grad. students don't seem to be
      performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager
      or software engineer upgrade.  These guys are guaranteed to
      require even less than a student, and typically establish
      permanent residence in the computer room.  You'll never know
      they are around!  (Which you certainly can't say for an
      AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk
      with its ten noisy fans....)  [Note however that the
      engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the
      idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as
      incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly
      screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous
      messages on world-wide bulletin boards.]

So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks
and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage.  The wave of the
future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today!  You'll never
go back!

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From: north#NoSpam.hgl.signaal.nl (S.North)

In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what
are you up to?"

"I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit.

"Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"

"Well, follow me and I'll show you."

They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges
with a satisfied expression on his face.

Along comes a wolf.  "Hello, what are we doing these days?"

"I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves."

"Are you crazy?  Where is your academic honesty?"

"Come with me and I'll show you." ......

As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face
and this time he has a diploma in his paw.

The camera pans back and into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should
have guessed by now, we see an enourmous  mean-looking lion sitting next
to the bloody and furry remains of the wolf and the fox.

The moral of this story is:

It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
it's your PhD advisor that counts.

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A PhD dissertation is a paper of the professor written under aggravating
circumstances.  -- Adolf Hurwitz
Quoted in D MacHale, Comic Sections (Dublin 1993)

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From: Tonu Laas <tony#NoSpam.tpu.ee>

After a party for getting a master degree, one of graduate students says to colleagues:

"Henceforth I will go only in funerals and not to graduation parties."

"Why that?" ask the others.

"At funerals nobody asks "Are you the next one?"

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From: "Little Frank" <fkubat#NoSpam.ticnet.com>
                          GRADUATE SCHOOL BARBIE (TM)

  Graduate School Barbie comes in two styles!
  Delusional Master's Barbie (tm) and Ph.D. Masochist Barbie (tm).

  Every Graduate School Barbie comes with these fun-filled features
  guaranteed to delight and entertain for hours:

* Grad School Barbie comes out of the box with a big grin on her face
  that turns into a frown after 2 weeks or her first advisor meeting
  (whichever comes first).

* Adorable black circles under her delightfully bloodshot eyes!

* Two outfits: a grubby pair of blue jeans with 5-year-old gap T-shirt,
  and a floppy pair of gray sweatpants with a matching "Go Screw
  Yourself" T-shirt!

* Grad School Barbie talks! Just press the button on her left hand and
  hear her say such upbeat grad school phrases as,
  "Yes, Professor, It'll be done by tomorrow"
   "I'd love to write it all over again"
  "Why didn't I just get a job, I could have been making $40,000 a year
   by now if I had just started working with a Bachelor's degree. But
   noooooo, Mom and Dad wanted a masters degree" and
   "I wish somebody would drop a bomb on the school so that I'd
   have an excuse to stop working on this degree that's sucking every
   last drop of life force out of my withered and degraded excuse for
   a soul..." (9 V lithium batteries sold separately)

* Grad School Barbie is anatomically correct!  Experience the exciting
  changes that come with pursuing a higher education! Removable panels
  on Barbie's head and torso allow you to watch as her cerebellum fries
  to a crispy brown, her heart race at 150 beats per minute, and her
  stomach lining gradually dissolve into nothing!

  Deluxe Grad School Barbie comes with specially designed eye ducts.
  Just add water and watch Grad School Barbie burst into tears!
  Fun for the whole family!

  Other accessories include:

* Grad School Barbie's Fun Fridge (tm). Well stocked with microwave
  popcorn, Coca-Cola, Healthy Choice Bologna (99% fat free!),and
  small bottle of Mattel Brand Rum (tm).

* Grad School Barbie's Medicine Cabinet ',".  Comes in Fabulous Pink
  and contains Barbie sized bottles of Advil, St. Johns Wort, Zantac, and
  your choice of three fun anti-anxiety drugs! (Barbie Medicine Cabinet
  not available without a prescription).

* Grad School Barbie's Computer Workstation. Comes with miniature
  obsolete PC (pink of course), rickety desk, and over a dozen miniature
  Mountain Dew cans to decorate your workstation (Mountain Dew deposit
  not included in price, tech support sold separately. Miniature
  cigarette butts and Oreo packages also available)

  And Grad School Barbie is not alone! Order now and
  you'll get two of Barbie's great friends!

  GRADUATE ADVISOR KEN: Barbie's mentor and advisor in her quest
  for increased  education and decreased self esteem.

  Grad Advisor Ken (tm) comes with a supply of red pens and a
  permanent frown. Press the button to hear Grad Advisor Ken deliver
  such wisdom as:

  "I need an update on your progress"
  "I don't think you'll be ready to graduate this spring" and
  "This is no where near ready for publication."

  REAL JOB SKIPPER: When Barbie needs to talk, she knows that she can
  always count on her good friend Real Job Skipper (tm), who got a job
  after getting her bachelor's degree. Press the button to hear Real
  Job Skipper say:  "Sometimes I wish I went for my masters degree"
  and "Work is so hard! I had to work a half an hour of overtime!"
  Real Job Skipper's Work Wardrobe, Savings Account, and New Car sold
  separately. (WARNING: Do not place Grad Student Barbie and Real Job
  Skipper too close to each other, as there have been several mysterious
  cases of children leaving the room and coming back to find Barbie's
  hands mysteriously fused to Skipper's throat.)

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From: "Kelvin Mok" <klmok#NoSpam.tunnel.cal.shaw.wave.ca>

Umpteen years ago when I was an undergrad the Zoology Department used
to keep a  gibbon under the rooftop sheds.  Every morning and
evening this gibbon would whoop it up and cry like a child, a very
mournful, disturbing and distracting cry that carried half across
the campus. That expression of territorial behavior had many students

Well during one of the lab classes a student asked the teaching
assistant "What is that noise?"

Without missing a beat the TA said "Well a few years ago we had a
brilliant student.  Studied too hard.  Couldn't hack it and went mad.
 We had to lock him in the roof to let him finish his thesis."

Our man could certainly tell a whopper when he hears one but
couldn't call the TA a liar. So went to higher authority.

"Prof Harrison, TA says that there is a mad student locked upstairs.
Is that true?"

"Huh?" The Prof's jaw dropped.  One could clearly see the thoughts
that raced through his mind. "What has today brought?"

Then the light bulb lit - Ah! that TA.

I was the only one who saw the whole thing because the joke
went so smoothly and was totally unplanned.  The old prof had passed
away and the TA is now the Asst. Prof.   She said she had no
recollection of the incident but we really had a good laugh  when I
retold that story over a class reunion. Nearly everyone fell off
their chairs.

That student went on to law school.  Always wondered if the gibbon
had anything to do with it.

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From: "Keith E. Sullivan" <KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
Subject:      Graduate School
                               HARD EARNED Ph.D.

After 12 long, difficult years of study, my daughter finally earned her
Ph.D.  On the night of her graduation, we celebrated at an exclusive
restaurant.  "Honey," I said, raising a glass in her direction, "we are
so happy for you."

"Thanks, Dad," my daughter replied.  "But from now on, it will be DOCTOR

Gerald DeHaan

"Many of the requirements of graduate education ...are "dragons."  Dragons
have no purpose except to be slain; that is, they are tests of motivation
to prove how difficult it is to get knighthood (or the valuable doctorate)
and, therefore, how valuable those people must be who already have it (the
faculty)."  --Mills (1953) cited by Karon, 1995 in "Becoming a first-rate
professional psychologist despite graduate education."

James Taylor <tayl5980#NoSpam.mach1.wlu.ca>
Quote of the Day <qotd-request#NoSpam.ensu.ucalgary.ca>
                       A GRAD-STUDENT CHECKLIST

6:30 am Wake up and lie awake in bed.

6:31    Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out
        for the next 6 weeks.

6:32    Hit snooze button.  Go back to sleep.

7:00    Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't
        hit the snooze button -- you turned it off.

7:01    Fall asleep again.

7:44    Wake up with heart in mouth again.

7:45    Get ready to go to school, will shave tomorrow, will eat early
        brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

8:03    Arrive at school.  Realize your foreign office mate arrived
        earlier today must have got more work done.

8:04    Pass by Advisor's office, chat with Secretary to find out if he
        is coming in today.  He is, darn.  Need to start work on the
        draft due this afternoon.

8:15    Read electronic mail.

8:20    Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions
        about the class.  Hate your TA job. Depression:  too much
        work to do today.

9:00    For jump-start:  go to Pepsi machine.

9:05    Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company
        and ask for your money back.  Wonder why they would believe you.

9:33    Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to
        your work.

9:41    Early morning stupefaction.  Mutter racist comments to yourself
        about your office mate.

9:43    Curse your office mate in a low tone he would not comprehend.
        Feel good about him not grasping English well.

9:58    Finger everyone in the department and most people half way
        around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)

10:19    Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing Tetris last

10:31    Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:43    Edit .plan file.  Write a shell program to edit .plan more

10:59    Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't
         need & and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your

11:05    Perverted daydreams.

11:11    Read electronic news.  Midmorning yawn time.

11:34    Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend
         you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.

11:35    Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minute until all
         the garbage you typed in is erased.  Realize that you can type
         more than 256 characters per half minute.

11:41    Flirt with the new girl in the department.

11:45    Print out some slides for afternoon's draft + presentation.

11:47    Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last

11:49    Print another copy in case this one gets lost.

11:51    Completely forget about suing the coffee machine company.

12:15 pm Hunger pangs:

12:20    BigMac/Fries time.  Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola
         from your desk.  Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying
         bulk cola.

1:00     Group Meeting with advisor.
1:14     Sudden awareness of one's shallowness.  Resentment towards foreign
         office mate for sucking up to your advisor.  Get reminded by your
         advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature

1:51     Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections.

1:51:02   The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!

1:51:52   Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/
          graduation possibility/graduation date/all job opportunities/
          and the rest of your life.

1:52:53   Thank him.

1:52:54   Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.

1:53:00   Splitting headache #1.

1:59    Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy
        to do that.

2:06    More generic cola.

2:17    Oh No, it is my turn to cook tonight. :-(

2:30    Sit through the class you were told to sit through.

2:39    Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this
        degree program and take up a job.  Wonder why blonde girls are
        so pretty.

2:48    More perverted daydreams.  Close the office door and open a
        few .gif files.  Sharpen pencil.

3:06    Worry about never graduating.  Time to write a letter -- NOT!
        no time for that.  Rearrange desk.  Call up bank; see if you
        have any money.  Fear of losing aid next fall.  Read latex
        manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format.

3:43    Watch the clock.  Make plans to do a all-nighter tonight.  Vow to
        watch only 2 TV programs

4:58    Notice Advisor leave.

4:58:01   Sudden sense of freedom.  Go home for quick, short dinner break.

9:00    Come into the office.

9:01    The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the

        office late at night to "get the work done."

9:03    Check electronic mail.  Decide it would be a good time to attack
        those ftp sites since network won't be loaded.  Run into "since
        network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your
        machine.  Compress all unwanted research/class directories to
        make space.  Back up all your pictures.

10:11    Admire pictures.  Begin work.  Realize you need references.
        Realize its too late today to go to the library.  Sudden feeling
        of having wasted the day.

10:49    Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night.  Decide to
        turn in early and come back very early tomorrow morning.  Decide
        to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.

11:15    Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on
        the scoreboard.  Realize that your office mate is still at number
        6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.

12:20    Play until you beat your office mate into the 7th place.  A sense
        of achievement!!  Yes, today was not wasted!!  Return home to find
        your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC.  Tell him
        about the "hard working grad student day you had."  Discuss
        philosophy with roommate

1:09    Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others.
        (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-)  (Comp Sci joke)

        Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese
        cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold"
        to defrost the windshields faster.

1:49    Realize neither of you have bought milk today.  Get reminded
        of the "too much milk problem"

2:04    Forget about getting up early.  Turn the phone ringer off and
        go to sleep.


Deanna <deanna#NoSpam.keylink.net>
David A. Rinke II <drinkeii#NoSpam.erie.net>
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

To subscribe or unsubscribe, write maiser#NoSpam.mail.otherwhen.com
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From: G_Popper#NoSpam.Hotmail.Com

They are your friends if you feed them.
They talk to you and you can't understand what they are saying.
They tend to run amok in the apartment/house for no apparent reason in short
bursts of frenzy, followed by dormancy.
They can survive with a minimum of attention, but do like to be noticed and
praised every so often.
They are creatures of the night.
They follow instructions if they feel like it.
They can be soft and cuddly when they feel like it.
Cats barf hairballs, grad students barf highballs (and any other drink they
can consume to excess).
Food is very important to them.
Sleep is also very important to them.
Both can sleep or otherwise ignore you while you are talking to them.
Both hide when something big and noisy (vacuum cleaner or supervisor) comes
into their vicinity
They eat some of the most disgusting things (free food)
They can sleep just about anywhere
They have their own set of morals
They both like using the computer (cats for warmth)
They both could care less about (insert anything here)
They both get amazingly high on herb extracts
They both represent anarchy in its most creative form
They both show a general lack of respect for authority
You see them only at dinner hour
You get looks like "and you are?", "this concerns me how?", "am I under
arrest? can I go now?" ,and "duuuude!" from them at least once a day
The idea of movement horrifies them
They both tend to collapse in the middle of rooms due to alcohol and/or a
warm sunbeam.
They are both vomit machines

computer science
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From: raja#NoSpam.cs.uiuc.edu (Bala Rajagopalan)

Recent Results in Theory of Computing - I

                     "The Halting Problem is Solvable"

A fundamental question in the graduate computer science curriculum can be
posed as follows: Given an average grad student doing a Ph.D, will the
student ever complete his dissertation? This problem has been termed the
"Halting Problem," and it has been an open problem thus far. In the
following, we show that the halting problem is solvable. Furthermore, the
problem can be solved within the time stipulated by the Graduate College
for Ph.Ds or, in the worst case, with only a constant number of petitions
for extensions.

The halting problem was first formulated by Alan Turing, who observed a
number of his graduate students being apparently busy all the time but
never graduating. Turing tried to solve the problem by first stopping all
assistantships after the sixth year and then by purging all games from the
research computers. Needless to say, his efforts were fruitless. Later,
Church almost succeeded in solving the problem when he placed notices in
grad students' mailboxes indicating attractive jobs in industry with
several orders of magnitude higher remuneration. The so called Church's
thesis was that the halting problem is solvable, given enough financial
motivation. Church's idea backfired when grads found out that they have to
actually work to earn money in the outside world. Thus, far from solving
the halting problem, Church aggravated it (After this, we are not sure
whether Church himself graduated). Recently, Cook et al have shown that the
halting problem falls under a new complexity class, "NP Hairy." (NP hairy
is the class of hopelessly complicated problems with no known solutions.
The hardest problem in NP hairy has been shown to be the problem of trying
to claim standard deductions in the 1040 form).

In the following, we show that the halting problem is indeed solvable. For
this, we assume the existence of a "Super Grad," who is capable of working
in any area in CS (except possibly numerical analysis). For notational
convenience, we call this super grad, S sub G sup i,j sub * (written using
a funky theoretical CS font). The property of Super grad is that, given the
description of any grad (mostly in terms of the number of newsfiles he/she
reads every day) and a description of his/her thesis topic, Super grad will
either halt with a dissertation or keep publishing technical reports
indefinitely. Now, we give Super grad a description of himself and his own
thesis topic. If Super grad halts, we are done (and so is he) otherwise we
get a stream of technical reports. But by the "fundamental research
theorem" of CS Departments (refer to the graduate study manual) any five
arbitrary technical reports on unrelated topics can be compiled into a Ph.D
thesis. Thus, we are done in the second case too.

Finally, how long does it take for a dissertation to be completed? The time
is either less than or equal to the duration allowed by the Grad College
for the completion of a Ph.D or it is greater. In the latter case, infinite
number of petitions can be filed for extensions. Since the Grad College
never remembers previous petitions, the total number of petitions received
by the Grad College is always one, a small constant. (QED)

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From: Tonu Laas <tony#NoSpam.tpu.ee>

Q: Why is the thesis of a doctoral degree worse than the thesis of a master degree?

A: Because the theses for a doctoral degree are written by students of masters, but theses for a doctoral degree - by doctors.

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From: Amitabha Roy <aroy#NoSpam.cs.uoregon.edu>
                               GRADUATE LIFE

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp.  They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."

"Me first!  Me first!" says the grad student.  "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes
topless."  Poof!  He's gone.

"Me next!  Me next!" says the post-doc.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."  Poof!  He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."

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From Aliquotes Volume V Number x October/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)

                   ििििि                         ििििि
                  ओओििि                         ओओििि
                   ओििि         िििििि   ििििि  ििििििि
                   ओििि        िििओओििि िििओओ  ओओओिििओ
                   ओििि       ओििि ओिििओओििििि   ओििि
                   ओििि      िओििि ओििि ओओओओििि  ओििि ििि
                   िििििििििििओओिििििि  िििििि   ओओििििि
                  ओओओओओओओओओओओ  ओओओओओओ  ओओओओओओ     ओओओओओ

One...   belief in a bright future

Last Seen... between transfer into PhD programme  and present

If Found... please return to nearest graduate student

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April 23
From Aliquotes Volume V Number vii July/97 (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
While it is true that William Shakespeare was an extremely prolific
playwright and is known the world over for his keen insights into the human
condition, it is a much lesser known fact that Bill was also a graduate
student in the Department of Alchemy at the University of Avon (home of the
"Fighting Lip Balms" football team).  His experiences in science have lead
to graduate school references in a number of his plays, as indicated below.

"My friends were poor but honest."
  - All's well that ends well, act I, scene ii.
"Oft expectations fail, and most oft there where most it promises."
  - All's well that ends well, act II, scene i.
"The little foolery that wise men have makes a great show."
  - As you like it, act I, scene ii.
"My pride fell with my fortunes."
  - ibid.
"A wretched soul, bruised with adversity."
  - A comedy of errors, act II, scene i.
"Some griefs are medicinable."
  - Cymbeline, act II, scene ii (originally linked with the line "Get thee
to a med school." which was later adapted for Hamlet.)

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From: David A. Rinke II <drinkeii#NoSpam.erie.net>, Natalie Brady
<Natalie_Brady#NoSpam.maclan.mcgill.ca>, Tonia Sciannamblo
<TONIA#NoSpam.PENSIONS.Lan.McGill.CA>, Daniela Addona <lmcdaad>, Martin Miron
<lmcmmir#NoSpam.LMC.Ericsson.SE>, Laporte Isabelle <laporti#NoSpam.ERE.UMontreal.CA>,
Jocelyn G <jgagnon#NoSpam.refer.qc.ca>, Peter Langston <psl#NoSpam.langston.com>, Keith
E. Sullivan <KSullivan#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>


-------------------------             --------------------------

Look at this as a learning            You're going to suffer

Let me explain the format of the      Let me make you even more nervous.

I'm here to lend you support.         I'm here to destroy you so you
                                      won't look smarter than me.

I found the overall concept           This is my token compliment before
interesting.                          ripping your idea to shreds.

I would like to have had more time    I didn't read it.
to study this.

I have some concerns about the        I hate the theory, but I can't insult
theory upon which your study is       the author so I'll insult your
based.                                work instead.

There are some aspects of the         I read it but I just don't remember
study that I would like to hear       anything about it.
more about.

Your hypotheses are not strongly      You came up with an innovative idea
enough linked to the existing         and I want to make sure you never
literature.                           do it again.

Your research is an interesting       Why didn't I think of this before
extension of my own work.             you did?

You have failed to take into          You failed to cite me.
account some of the more relevant

I would like you to explain...        I don't know anything about this stuff
                                      so you'll have to explain it to me.

Your statistical results don't        I don't understand statistics.
seem to support your hypothesis.

Your selection of statistical         I'm the only one here that understands
tests is rather simplistic.           statistics and I wanted to rub it in.

How did you ensure that you had       I had to come up with at least one
drawn a random sample?                question and this one always

This is a great topic for your        This is some grunge work that
thesis.                               will help me get tenure.

You will be ready to write up         You have now become a useful slave,
soon, but need to do just one         and I am not about to let you
more experiment/program/chip.         graduate without doing more
                                      footwork for me.

Your funding is secure.               Maybe.

Your funding is probably OK.          Start worrying.

I'll see what we can do about         Start looking for another advisor.

Think of this as an investment        We're going to exploit you to the
in skills that will be useful         gills.
to you in your later career.

Don't listen to XYZ, just             Both XYZ and I are fools, but I'm
listen to me.                         funding you.

Let's wrap this up.                   I'm hungry.

Could you step out of the room        We decided beforehand to give you
while the committee comes to a        your degree, but we still want to make
decision?                             you sweat some more.

Write another chapter.                Write another chapter.

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From: srt#NoSpam.cs.ucla.edu (Scott R. Turner)

Special Category: Top Reasons

10. Recurring bouts of malaria slow research.
 9.  Cost of translation from Ancient Sumerian limits
     obtainability of important research materials.
 8.  Can't remember anything that happened in 1986.
 7.  Six month sabbatical to train for World Bellyflop
     Championships (placed sixth, highest U.S. finisher).
 6.  I.M. coaching position a lifelong responsibility.
 5.  Certain I can win with a female gnome paladin.
 4.  Could type a lot faster on a Dvorak keyboard.
 3.  Wasted time memorizing UUCP map of the US and
 2.  Thought the major field exam was "just a joke" until too late.

And the Best Reason for Not Yet Graduating:

 1.  Could have finished years ago, but wanted dissertation to rhyme.

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From: Aliquotes iv.iii (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
Special Category: Top Reasons

1. I had to run that gel nine times before I loaded just enough to keep the
   contaminants from showing.
2. I couldn't remember the biological significance of my work.
3. Writing is very boring ... although, I now have high score on
4. I had to repeat that last experiment four times to get the results
   I wanted^D^D^D^D^D^D^D^D just right.
5. I had to wait three weeks for new cells as my original tissue cultures
   are now a rhinovirus purification kit.
6. I was to busy in interviews with future employers (yeah right!).
7. My psychotherapy sessions took longer than I expected, but I'm
   apparently doing much better.
8. I wanted my thesis to be not only informative but an entertaining work
   of fiction.
9. Mine is not a hypo-thesis, it's a hyper-thesis.
10.I don't want to leave ... please, don't make me go ... I like it here ..
   it's scary out there ...

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                                                    By  Godfried Bomans

Such a thesis defense, it gladdens me.  I sit there as promotor, hugging
myself in glee.  Because naturally there has to be opposed.  In the first
place, I do that myself. The matter is safe.  I won't say more, as this
book will also fall into the hands of the less educated.  In the second
place, others do this.  The law it says that everybody may do this, even
the cleaning woman of the building, but in practice not much comes of that.
As a rule the practice is limited to professors of the own or adjoining
faculties.  And there are some dirty customers between them.  My advise to
the promovendus is, to bent forward observantly and ask smiling *this*
question: 'What does the esteemed opponent mean?'  Then he is
stuck. Because what does this question imply?

For starters, that what he is saying *now*, is in any case gibberish.  And
because that is usually true, you already reached *that*.  But there is
more.  Because the question, that the man had constructed the night before
in bed, has to be rigged up again.  In the case he succeeds (which rarely
happens), there is still no case for panic.  You *keep* smiling, but this
time with compassion, tempered by respect.  Especially the last is
important, because you may not infuriate the guys.  In their anger they
might rap out something sensible and then we are in real trouble.  What to
do now.  I will tell, despite that it is really a waste.  You remark,
tilting your head a little to show that the blunder hurts you yourself, the
following: 'As you know Nudelman already anticipated this contention in
1903'.  I would not go before 1903.  Put it in the nineteenth century and
it becomes too big.  'Already in 1903' is bitter enough.  Prof. Nudelmann
does not exist naturally, no more than the book you refer to.  I will
explain later how important this is.  Because what must your opponent do

He can say, that he never read Nudelmann.  Then he is a goner immediately.
You show this with a movement of your hand to the Academic Senate and sit
down.  The man will reach his pension, but as a professor he can forget it.
He can also say, that of course he knows Nudelmann but not *this*
particular passage.  This is also weak.  People should master Nudelmann
completely.  Half science is charlantanry.  He can also say, that of course
he knows the pronouncement, but is of a different opionion.  That is a
dangerous game. And that *must* go wrong.  Who disagrees with an author,
about one did not even know the existence will undoubtly ride into a hole.
You can confidently leave that to him.  On his every assertment, you
answer: 'Exactly, exactly, continue just a bit longer, because that is
exactly the chain of reasoning, Nudelmann had in mind.'  And nothing is as
unnerving as encouraging nonsense. It will sap the strongest.

But your opponent is wiser.  As soon as you utter 1903, he will declare
himself 'completely satisfied' and sit down.  Yeah, he will risk his cap,
just for the pleasure of endangering yours.  He may be a professor, but he
is also the provider for his family.  Take care, that afterwards, during
the reception, you go to him and thank him for his remark, which gave you
something to think about *anyway*.  Stare into your sherry and move away
pondering, as if you had been revealed a vision.  There is even nothing
against agreeing, that he was really in the right. He is no longer a

Source: Godfried Bomans: Thomas Robert Spoon
Part of chapter III : Confidential guidelines
Godfried Bomans, werken III, 1999
(Originally published in Elseviers Weekblad, 1954)
Blame the Translation on Joachim Verhagen.

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From: mnsotn#NoSpam.picard.cs.wisc.edu (Christopher Bovitz)

189 THINGS (NOT) TO DO AT OR FOR YOUR THESIS DEFENSE (in no particular order)

Written by Peter Dutton, Jim Lalopoulos, Alison Berube, and Jeff Cohen,
        grad students extrordiannaire (#1 - 101).
        Appended by Chris Bovitz, grad student grandioso (#102-131).
        (#132 from Mary C. Liles).
        Patricia Whitson and a few others (#130-...)

  1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National
  2) Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
  3) "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
  4) Interpretive dance.
  5) "Musical accompaniment provided by..."
  6) Stage your own death/suicide.
  7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
  8) Have a sing-a-long.
  9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"
 10) "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
         concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
 11) Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors
         from sitting in.
 12) Puppet show.
 13) Group prayer.
 14) Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
 15) Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
 16) "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
 17) Imitate Groucho Marx.
 18) Mime.
 19) Hold a Tupperware party.
 20) Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
 21) "Everybody rhumba!!"
 22) "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
 23) Charge a cover and check for ID.
 24) "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal oppression of
 25) "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
 26) Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
 27) Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
 28) Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
 29) Door prizes and a raffle.
 30) "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
 31) "And now, a word from our sponsor..."
 32) Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
 33) Whine piteously, beg, cry...
 34) Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
 35) The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
 36) Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
 37) Fashion show.
 38) "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
 39) "I'd like to thank the Academy..."
 40) Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
 41) Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
 42) Pass the collection basket.
 43) Two-drink minimum.
 44) Black tie only.
 45) "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a
         Jew walked into a bar..."
 46) Incite a revolt.
 47) Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
 48) Release a flock of doves.
 49) Defense by proxy.
 50) "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
 51) Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
 52) "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
 53) "Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
 54) Bring your pet boa.
 55) Tell ghost stories.
 56) Do a "show and tell".
 57) Food fight.
 58) Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
 59) Halftime show.
 60) "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
 61) "OK - which one of you farted?"
 62) Rimshot.
 63) Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
 64) Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
 65) 3-ring defense.
 66) "Tag - you're it!"
 67) Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure
     that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
 68) Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the
      original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to
      Made-up non-existent room number)"
 69) Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
 70) Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
 71) Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me
         Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
 72) Have a make-your-own-sundae table.
 73) Make committee members wear silly hats.
 74) Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the
 75) Do a soft-shoe routine.
 76) Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and
 77) Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
 78) "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
 79) Tap dance.
 80) Vaudeville.
 81) "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'.
         You're out."
 82) Flex and show off those massive pecs.
 83) Dress in top hat and tails.
 84) Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and
         a bonfire.
 85) Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
 86) Shadow puppets.
 87) Show slides of your last vacation.
 88) Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in
         charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
 89) Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room
      making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
 90) "OK, everybody -
       heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
 91) Call your advisor "sweetie".
 92) Have everyone pose for a group photo.
 93) Instant replay.
 94) Laugh maniacally.
 95) Talk with your mouth full.
 96) Start speaking in tongues.
 97) Explode.
 98) Implode.
 99) Spontaneously combust.
100) Answer every question with a question.
101) Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
102) Rearrange the chairs into a peace symbol.
103) Refer to yourself in the third person, like Julius Caesar did.
104) Mention your professor as "my helper."
105) Say that you'd like to thank a few people.  Pull out the White Pages.
         Start reading.
106) Advertise it as "pot luck".
107) Talk in Klingonese.
108) Dress like your favorite character from "Star Trek".
109) Ask imaginary helpers to change transparencies; fly off the handle
         when they don't.
110) Wear a trenchcoat.  And nothing else.
111) Dress in a Wild West style.
112) Go dressed in scuba gear.  Use the oxygen tank.
113) Preface with the story of your life.
114) Wear a swimsuit from the opposite sex:  man - wear a bikini, woman -
         wear trunks.
115) Have bodyguards on your sides as you talk.  The bigger, the better.
         Have a questioner thrown out "as an example."
116) Have someone wheel in a big cake with you in it.  Jump out and begin.
117) Perform your defense as a Greek tragedy, kill yourself offstage when
         you're done.
118) Half way through, break down.  Go to your professor, curl up on
         his or her lap and call him or her "Mommy".  Suck your thumb.
119) Suddenly develop Turret's Syndrome.
120) Suddenly develop the China Syndrome.
121) "This defense has been sponsored by the fine people at (your favorite
122) Secede from the U.S.  Give yourself political asylum.
123) Talk in Canadianese - add an "eh" after every sentence.
124) When a professor asks you a question, argue with your imaginary twin
         over the final answer.
125) Videotape it ahead of time, and get someone set it up to show.  Come in
         the back and sit there.  When your tape is done, ask for questions.
         In person.
126) Have every person pick a "CB" handle.  Enforce their usage.  Talk in
       CB lingo.  End every statement with "good buddy."  End every question
       with "over."
127) Provide party favors.  Noisy ones.
128) Frequently ask if anyone has to go to the potty.
129) Mention that you have to hurry because "Hard Copy" is on in 15 minutes.
130) Dress like your school mascot.
131) Urge your committee that if they like your defense enough to tell two
       friends, and then they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on...
132) Show up in drag accompanied by the Drag Queens you met at last night's
         performance and proclaim your thesis presentation will instead
         discuss: "Blue Eyeshadow: Our Friend Or Foe?"
From: smitch#NoSpam.alcor.concordia.ca (Sidney N. Mitchell)

133) Plead the fifth ammendment if you can't answer a question.
134) Keep your back to the committee during the presentation and
      defense phases.
135) Answer only questions that begin with sir and end with sir. (tell
       your committe this beforehand).
136) Limit the number of questions that you will allow, and then when
      the limit is almost reached, go into aerobics terminology...
      four more...three more...two more..and...rest.
137) Ignore the committee and say "I think that young man/lady at the back
      has a question".
138) Have your parents call your committee members repeatedly the week
      before your defense to tell them how expensive it is putting a
      child through graduate school etc.
139) At the defense, have your parents sit directly behind your committee.
140) Burp, pass gas, scratch (anywhere repeatedly), and pick your nose.

141) "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at
142) Hand out 3-D glasses.
143) "I'm rubber, you're glue..."
144) Go into labor (especially for men).
145) Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
146) "I don't know - I didn't write this."
147) Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
148) Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
149) Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And
        the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail
        room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them
     (NOTE: This is an inside gripe, based on conditions that existed in
     the ME department at WPI while we were there. Sorry.)
150) Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
151) Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
152) Invite the homeless.
153) "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
154) Hide.
155) Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and
        "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps).
        Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"
156) Same as #154, except use real bullets.
157) "Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
158) Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And
        nothing else.
159) Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
160) Play Thesis Mad Libs.
161) Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
162) Do your entire defense operatically.
163) Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you.
        ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
164) Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
165) Mosh pit.
166) Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
167) Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
168) "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
169) Claim political asylum.
170) Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
171) Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut
        to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
172) Live radio and TV coverage.
173) Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
174) Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
175) Use a TelePromTer
176) "Take my wife - please!"
177) Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
178) Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a
        spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
179) Offer a toast.
180) Firewalk.
181) Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
182) Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each
        question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience
        as well.
183) Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
184) "By the power of Greyskull..."
185) Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
186) Stand on the table.
187) Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.
188) Hold a raffle.
189) "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you
        what I COULD have done..."

(FINAL NOTE: Depending on the subject of your thesis, some of these things,
such as tap dance, virtual reality, or reading from the Book of Mormon
might be entirely appropriate, of course.)

(FINAL FINAL NOTE: Circulate this list freely if you'd like, but please
remember to credit Peter, Jim, and Alison as the major authors.)

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From: grizzly#NoSpam.iastate.edu (Eric H Anderson)

The graduate student's prayer (with apologies)

Our professor, who art in tenure,
Hallowed by thy grant.
Thy method come.  They experiment be done,
in lab as it is in textbooks.
Give us this day, our daily enzyme.
And forgive us our contamination,
as we forgive our collaborators.
And lead us not into chemistry,
but deliver us from physics:
For thine is the laboratory, and the method,
and the glory, for ever.

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From: pclarke#NoSpam.waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)

Special Category: Top Reasons
The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students
(taken from the Harvard Crimson)

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making
    $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9.  I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8.  My work has a lot of practical importance.
7.  I would never date an undergraduate.
6.  Your latest article was so inspiring.
5.  I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4.  I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3.  The department is giving me so much support.
2.  My job prospects look really good.
1.  No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Special Category: Top Reasons
Top Five Lies Told by Teaching Fellows:

5.  I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4.  Call me any time.  I'm always available.
3.  It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2.  Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1.  My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

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Special Category: You might be a scientist if...
You just might be a graduate student if...

From David McKay <mckay#NoSpam.jvlnet.com>

 ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
 ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
 ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
    progress of your own joke across the Internet.
 ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
 ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
 ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
 ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
 ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
 ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
    researching a single paper.
 ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
 ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
 ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
    the library.
 ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive
    without the distraction of classes.
 ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
 ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
 ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
 ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than
    the actual text.
 ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are
    now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
 ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

From: david mckay <dmckay#NoSpam.blue.weeg.uiowa.edu>
You just might be a graduate student if...

    ...you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
    ...your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
    ...you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the
       progress of your own joke across the Internet.
    ...you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
    ...you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
    ...you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
    ...everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
    ...you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
    ...you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while
       researching a single paper.
    ...there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider "yours."
    ...you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
    ...you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at
       the library.
    ...you look forward to summers because you're more productive
       without the distraction of classes.
    ...you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
    ...you consider all papers to be works in progress.
    ...professors don't really care when you turn in work anymore.
    ...you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than
       the actual text.
    ...you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are
       now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
    ...you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

From: pclarke#NoSpam.waite.adelaide.edu.au (Philip Clarke)
 .. you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you
    realize that it's a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.
....you find yourself explaining to children that you are in "20th
....you start refering to stories like "Snow White et al."
....you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting
....you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry
....you have more photocopy cards than credit cards
....you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as
    "personal communication"

From: "Michelle Vaughn" <mireva#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

.... you have ever brought your tutorial marking to a rock concert.
(done this...a fellow TA and I spent some time marking papers at a Marilyn
Manson concert)

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From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
                             A DAY IN THE LIFE
Damn. 5:30 am. Time to get out of bed. Ah, I really don't need to get up
yet. I'll just snooze for a few more minutes. Dreaming now. I'm standing at
a conveyor belt and stamping the lids onto bottles. Stamp, stamp, stamp.
Boss is looming over me. Wants to see me in the office. No I'm on a stage
receiving the Nobel Prize. For what? What did I do? Rinnnnnnnnnng. Whew.
12:00 noon. That was an awful dream. Sure glad I don't work in a place like
that. You know, I sort of feel like baking some bread for breakfast this
morning. All I need to do is buy som flour and ... AH CRAP!! Broke again. I
forgot I blew all that money on photocopying yesterday. Ah well, Kraft
dinner sounds good...

Whow I'm at work before 3 pm today. I've got to stop being so hard on
myself like this. Wait a second - where is everybody? There isn't a soul
around here! Oh yeah! There's a seminar at 3! What does this notice say
about it? Yikes, who would go to listen to this talk? It sounds so *dull*.
Let's see here - yep, there's coffe and donuts served. That explains it.
I'm too late for it, so what shall I do? I know! I can do some computer
work! There has got to be a video game high score to break somewhere!

Okay, It's 6 pm. Perhaps I should go home and relax. Ah, alright, I'll
check yesterdays experiments.
OVERWHELMED WITH AMAZEMENT! The experiments failed again. Should have
guessed so. I tell you, someday that distilled water is going to have to be
tested. It really is wreaking havoc with my science...

Alright. Time to go home an do some reading. I always find it more
productive to read my journals at home in a relaxed environment, away from
the pressures of the lab. Let's see here. "The journal of Chemical
Biology". Nah. How about "The Biological Chemistry Journal". Read it. Okay
here's something new: "The Biological Journal of Chemistry". Yeah, this is
it. Wow, first paragraph and I'm lost. Feeling sleepy ... stay awake ...
can't ... Zzzzzzzzzz.

8 pm. A day of grad school concludes.
                                    (Not Andy Green's, however)

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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists
Q: Why did the graduate student cross the road?
A: He was writing his dissertation on the chicken.

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From: grem1999#NoSpam.suddenlink.net (Wilson Morris)

A Grad student said he wanted to go back to racing motorcycles.

"At least, when you are on the ground in mud blood and motor oil,
no one says 'You made a mistake.'"

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From: Aliquotes iv.i (journal) (rogerb#NoSpam.microsoft.com)
From the people, who brought you "The graduate game of life"
                        THE POST-DOC PERSONEL GAME

|START             |Send out |Sorry No |Send out |Not Hiring|Hot tip     |
|So you want       |resume   |Jobs here|C.V.     |Just Now  |On Job.     |
|A job?            |Advance  |Go Back  |Advance  |Go Back   |Advance     |
|Do you feel lucky?|One Space|2 Spaces |One Space|4 Spaces  |One Space   |
                                                            |So sorry    |
                                                            |Just a Rumor|
The game that challenges all post-doc's to find employment. |Go Back     |
                                                            |6 spaces    |
Just roll a die and move along the board accordingly.       |============|
                                                            |WAY TO GO!!!|
                                                            |Here's a job|
It's not as easy as it looks.                               |  designed  |
                                                            |just for you|

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         *************** GREAT OPPORTUNITY ***********************
         ***** EARN THE BIG BUCKS ********************************
         ************** GET A LIFE *******************************

At Lightner Associates we make these dreams a reality for thousands of
post-doctoral researchers every year through a patented process known as
Ph.D. expungement.

For a limited time Lightner Associates is offering our exclusive
PH.D. EXPUNGING SERVICE for a special LOW LOW PRICE only to members of Leftist
Leaning Underground Electronic Networks of Whiners, Pulers, and others who
should be spending more time at the lab bench (L.L.U.E.N.o.W.P.&O.  aka YSN,


        -creation of a false employment history at a now defunct
                biotech or defense contracting firm.

        -fabrication of business cards for said firm.

        -our special total"CV" ---> "Resume" re-engineering...

        ** INCLUDING ***
                -descriptive job responsibilities which
                bear some rational relationship to your

                -plausible training and professional experiences
                which explain your computer fluency with MAC,
                WINDOWS, PCs, UNIX, and your ownership of an RPN

                -Our specially trained staff of Human Resource
                Administrator Impersonators and a 3 month
                subscription to our "refusal to provide
                references due to liability" service (Most real
                employers no longer give references of any
                meaning because they are afraid to get sued).


                FREE POWER WORDS !!!!

All for the low, low price of $1500.00 US / PH.D. (+ $500 US / year for
post-doctoral experience > 3 years.  (While this may seem a bit high we've
observed that only people who truly want to have their Ph.D. (s) expunged are
finally successful and this small token of financial commitment weeds out those
who secretly wish to be tenured research professors)

Lightner Associates also has a trained staff of psychologists and psychiatrists
who for a small additional fee can provide intensive therapeutic services to
treat problems like...

                1.  Independent thinking.
                2.  Problem Solving and Analytical Skills.
                3.  Nervousness around beautiful people.
                4.  Inability to work and play well with others.
                5.  Pointing out the flaws in others reasoning.
                6.  Uncontrollable outbursts of laughter when
                        hearing others use POWER WORDS.

Our staff can also provide help with problems related to wardrobe and
hair-styling (or lack thereof).

                      A REAL LIFE CAN STILL BE YOURS !!!

                      Call Today for a free consultation:




                            LIGHTNER ASSOCIATES...

                     serving the overqualified since 1996.


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From: umucjonathan#NoSpam.yahoo.com (Jonathan D Loo)

According to the U.S. government student loan program's "Exit Counseling
Guide for Borrowers," I am required by the Federal government to notify my
school if I graduate.

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