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From: ken#NoSpam.capitalnet.com (Ken)


Daniel D. Van Hoy wrote:
>Just think: When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.
>Also think: When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with
>the buttered side down
>Now think: If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back
>of a cat, which would land first.

First the source of the forces must be understood. The force acting on the
bread is not the butter, as some may think. Without the bread, butter
wouldn't land bread side up, and therefore the force could not possibly be
in the butter. We know the force is not the bread because it has been
experimentally proven that bread does not land any particular side down
without butter. The bread/butter force is caused by the fusing of bread and
butter particles together. This fusion causes energy to be released in the
form of shifting gravity and anti-gravity energy to opposite sides of the
bread/butter continuum. The gravity energy naturally shifts to the butter
since it is denser then the bread, while the anti-gravity energy shifts to
the bread side.

The energy in a cat for landing on its feet comes from the feet themselves.
This has been proven experimentally. Cats without feet have a near zero
success rate of landing on their feet. We will call this energy cat foot

Considering the equal but opposing bread/butter and cat foot forces one
would expect the cat to spin violently about its axis. However the strength
of these forces must be considered. A regular cat is not structurally
stable enough to withstand the torque the spinning causes. I should not
have to describe the way the cat's limbs give way, the way the legs wrench
around until the feet are on the same side of the cat as the butter. And
thus the cat can then land on its feet, butter side down.

We are now researching the possibility of using structurally reinforced
cats for levitation systems, but so far the cost is too high to be
practical. Several attempts at producing economically viable systems were
made by separating the feet so that the instability of the cat would not be
a factor. At first there was dificulty because there was no cat to tie the
bread to. Later it was discovered that when not attached to a cat the feet
lost their cat foot force over time. It is hypothesized that the feet need
to be living to exert the cat foot force, and so far no practical method
has been found for keeping the feet alive other than a cat.

Attempts are also being made to breed flat cats with no legs (only feet).

There are many other problems related with this method of levitation as you
may well imagine, but they are beyond the scope of this discussion.

Harold G Sputsberry PHD
Institute for Alternative Energy Research

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From: Lizabeth Henderson
[The following question was originally posed by Steven Wright.]
Question: If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back
of a cat, which way down would it land?

[Well, here's an explication of that question...]

I'm glad you asked this question.


Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able
to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.

If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve
this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you
have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when
released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium point can be
modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to
drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard
by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread
off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land
on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right
after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and
pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

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From: "Laurence Elton" <laurence.elton#NoSpam.baesystems.com>

Further to the Henderson cat powered starship

The effects of propulsion cats ingesting the butter i far worse than merely
falling to earth and then being crushed by the starship crash.  Remmeber
the butter has been transferred from the outside of the cat to the inside
of the cat. Remember, topologically , a cat like all animals has the
properties of a cylinder. This means , butterologically that the cat will
topologically invert. Its inside will become its outside and its furry side
will become the gastrointestinal side. In any event there will be a nasty
mess in the starships engine room and the antigravitational field will

Incidentally cavers in the UK are known to use buttered cats worn inside
the oversuit while rigging rope access routes along traverses above big

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From: Paul Matthews (paulmatt#NoSpam.triton.u-net.com)

Q:If you dropped a cat with a piece of buttered toast tied to its back (
butter side up of course) Which way up would it land?

A:This is the secret of levitation. Toast ALWAYS lands butter side down,
but cats always land on their feet, so the combination will hover just
above ground level rotating, neither the cat nor toast able to land.

From: Daniel Marshall <9774327#NoSpam.Narga.Sun.ac.za>
Here is Physical proof from a Physics Student!

Well Acording to Newtons third law, a force acting upon an object will
exert an equal but opposite force on the adjacent object. The cat exerts
a force say C on the toast, which in mathematical notation is Ft = -C =
( Mass of cat )x g.

Acording to Murphys law of probability, any event in a constant time
frame is said to happen to the inverse of the most prefferable. In this
case, we have only two possible cases, P(T = toast) lands buttered side
up or Ti=1-P(T) (Inverse probability of toast) landing downwward.

But From our previous metion of Murphys Law, we can clealy see that P(T)
= 0( or 0% of it happening ) and P(T) = 1 ( or 100% of it happening ).

Thus this is an equilibrium problem as there are two forces acting in
two different directions namely T and C. If The Air resistance is taken
into consideration, and we have that C = T then if the toast is placed
only slightly to the side of the center of gravity of the cat then we
have a non-equilibral condition. So this then implies a rotational
tourqe ( call it t for short ). The t can be calculated by applying the
tangental force aplied multiplied by the cross product of the radius r
of the cat to the toast. So

t = Cos(theta)x r x ( Aplied force )

But this aplied force is quite weak as it's only reliant on air
resistance. But this then presents us with another problem. We have a
conflict of laws of phyics and phylosophy ( ie. Murphy vs Newton )
Ienstein in his thesis on general relativety however sshowed that
Newton's III law does not always aply to Objects nearing the speed of
light. So the only conclution that we can draw is that the cat with the
toast strapped to its back will rotate at near light speeds. However,
the closer one gets to the center of the cat the faster the cat will
have to spin. So the cat will not only spin, but be completely mangled
in the process by the fact that Its insides spin faster that it's skin
and outer flesh!

The law that cat's also land on there feet is also going to play a part
n this disscusion. Whe released, The two forces C and T will
simulaniously act opon one another, causing the cat and the toast to
iether shoot upwards indefenetly increasing in speed as gravity
decreaces the further one is away from earth or hover or plummet
downwards. The latter seems the most feesable, with a difference however
that it will not stop. The immence rotations of the cat and toast will
generate enormous amounts of heat as it comes into contact with the
ground through friction and tunnel downwards eventuall reaching the
center of the earth. By that time the cat's legs wil have been eroded
away and the butter will be off the toast and thus the laws which we
first used do not apply any more. So to cat will stop spinning somewhere
in the earths crust.

I hope that helps!

From: "Peter T Wood" <ptwood#NoSpam.dezzanet.net.au>
My seventeen hovering pussies are not amused.
Although I should perhaps tell you that after careful experimentation
regarding the thickness, composition, and density of the thread, I have
determined that the rate of descent of the pussy/toast-unit can be
accurately adjusted. This is particularly useful as a sort of timing
device. Since the combination eventually lands with such commotion (due to
the opposing effects of the toast/pussycat laws), ones attention is
invariably drawn to it. Events such as putting out the garbage, watching
the 6 0'clock news, or cooking eggs spring readily to mind. When the
frustrated, bewildered, agitated, and terrified pussy is finally coaxed out
from under the bed, the device can easily be reset by using the appropriate
thread for the time frame required, and then simply hurling it into the
air. I have also discovered that the rate of descent is also related to the
cost of the carpet. Perhaps Mr. Marshall could calculate the appropriate

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From: "Ed Murphy" <emurphy42#NoSpam.socal.rr.com>

The string (used to tie the buttered toast to the cat) will come loose, the
cat will land on its feet, the toast will land buttered side down, and the
string will land so as to cause maximum damage.

Simple application of Murphy's Law.

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Flaws In the Flying Cat Theory: A Response

Special to the Coastal Beacon

A logical analysis of the BFAD (Buttered Feline Antigravity Drive)
propulsion theory clearly demonstrates the impossibility of such a system.

Let us begin with a simple analysis.

1) Buttered bread must fall butter side down.
2) A cat always lands on its feet.

While both theorems are indisputable, the oracle offers no proof of the
construct. The oracle implies that anyone who 'would' test this construct
would immediately find the secret of BFAD.

This is clearly nonsense.

Let us assume a normal Einsteinian universe (although a Euclidean universe
would serve our purposes just as well, the Einsteinian is both cheaper and
drinks are readily available.)

To test BFAD, one must procure:

Butter (margarine, for some reason, will not work)
A cat
A strapping device.

Let us assume that all of these are readily available.

Attach the strapping device to the cat.


No cat.

what has happened? We have run up against an a priori universal law. By a
priori, we mean that it takes priority over either the Buttered Bread
Principle or the Law of Feline Landings.

What happens is that the instant a strapping device and a cat occupy the
same four dimensional space, the cat disappears.

Now, this can easily be tested, and has been repeatedly. There are two
schools of thought about this phenomenon.

The first holds that a cat and a strapping device are constituted out of
different fundamental building blocks. According to this theory, a cat is
constituted primarily of superquarks, (called meows by current theorists.)
These superquarks demonstrate qualities that are both atomic (constituted as
they are of groupings of normal quark particles) and feline (because these
quarks exhibit characteristic of "charmed"  or "lucky" particles.) Again,
according to this theory, strapping materials are fashioned out of
non-charmed particles. Bringing the two together causes one or the other to
cancel out. One aspect of this theory that has not been sufficiently
explained to date is the fact that it is always the cat, not the strapping
device, that disappears.

The second school of thought, and it is one that appears to be gaining
ground in academic circles today, holds that cats are, in fact,
super-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who exist in our four dimensional
universe only because there is plenty of good food and a lot of creatures
stupid enough to provide the food, along with plenty of attention. Whenever
a strapping device appears, the cat simply opens a door to a different
series of dimensions, and goes on an extended tour.

According to this theory, purring is a cat's way of maintaining a constant
balance cycling across multiple dimensions. This school holds that
antigravity is impossible, but that theoretically, a REALLY good grip on a
cat, while reaching for a strapping device, could result in our ability to
cross dimensions with ease (barring scratches, that is.) Pessimists argue
That if there was anything really interesting in those other dimensions,
cats wouldn't spend so much time here, so why ask for a good scratching?

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From: FLIX#NoSpam.CORNELLC.cit.cornell.edu ( John Voigt)

                      Cornell Information Technologies
                              (smirk, science)

*  *  *  *  *   P  R  E  S  S       R  E  L  E  A  S  E   *  *  *  *  *

April 1, 1992 - Itchyca, NY - For immediate release worldwide

In an unusual collaboration, scientists at the Conrell SuperNatural
Computer Facility, the USDA and the Conrell Agricultural College have
made a startling breakthrough in the gravitational physics field.
Using technology modelled on giant computers at Conrell and tested in
the laboratory, the group has succeeded in defying gravity.

Scientist Elsie Browncow explained how the break came about.  "We were
examining possible applications of Murphy's famous laws, and we got to
thinking about buttered bread always falling butter down.  We came to
the conclusion that butter must have some very special properties
related to gravity.  Reports of cows jumping over the moon lent support
to our theory.  Once we were on the right track the rest came easily."

Local dairy farmers, who have been scratching their heads over the
large butter orders from the research facility, are ecstatic over the
discovery.  Evidently, several hundred pounds of butter are required
to overcome gravity in a region of space of 1 cubic centimeter.  Asked
about this Dr. Browncow replied, "... well, yes, that's true, but we're
working on improving the process and are pretty sure we can reduce the
butter requirement significantly."

Rumor has it that the CIA and NASA are trying to limit access to the
process.  Dr. Browncow would not comment on the rumor except to say,
"The word is out now and if we could figure this out I'm sure others
will too - that's how science works."  Local dairy farmers have been
accused of discharging firearms at government vehicles seen near the
labs lately.  No arrests have been made.

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From: "GG" <testo#NoSpam.cableone.net>
A cat's antigravity force is propotional to the square of the jaw bone of
incoming hienz 57 and accerlerates exponentially as the distance decreases

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From: "Jerry marty" <cm9972#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

                                Cat physics

I hate to be a kill joy but the sollution is quite easy:

1) When you drop a piece of buttered bread, it lands with the buttered side

BS = Down to earth

2) When you drop a cat from a few feet, it lands upright.

Cat feet = Down to earth

If you strapped a piece of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which would
land first.

Law of cat Constraint (Symilar to the law of pill rejection)

 Any attempt to constrain a cat is equal or less than the potential energy
to reach escape velocity. (applies to strapping devises)

Firstly it is unlikely that the cat can be constrained without a
thermonuclear hyrdaulic restraining devise. Should such devise be obtained
another law will take over.

The second law of Cat Composition

 A cat will conform to the standard laws of physics relating to solids
unless such as the opening of food or dairy products occur - in which case
it's ability to stretch twist and mould are equal or better than that of a

The sollution is that in the case of a suitable contraining devise being
found the toast will not land prior to the butter being consumed by the

So the BS is consumed by cat + cat feet = Down to earth

If the cat doesn't survive it will come back and terrorise you in it's next

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From: "Archer, Chuck" <Chuck.Archer#NoSpam.genesys.com>
It's simple:
What you have to do is stick the butter on the cat's ass, that way friction
will decrease on the way down, and he'll accelerate to the speed of light
and cut right through the earth, come out through China and into the
atmosphere creating a black hole.

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From: "Dan Sheehan" <fredbobjoedangreg#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

For the questions of What would happen if you tied a piece of buttered
bread to the back of a cat? the answer is this:

First you have to look at the system scheme. The bread and the cat are not
one complete thing. If you looked at a side-view of the bread-cat, the
bread would stick out of the cats back. Because of this, the bread could
land first, allowing a tiny split second for the cat to turn and land
second, or vice versa. If you want to create anti-gravity, your going to
have to hollow out a space inside the cat for the bread to go, so that when
one lands, the other lands at the exact moment.

I haven't been able to hollow out a cat, and still have it live long enough
to land on its feet. There is going to have to be some major genetic

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From: Laurent Fourrier <lfourrier#NoSpam.magic.fr>

After reading so many contributions on this interesting subject, I could
not help to be intrigued.

First, I must recognize that I'm not a scientist myself, only an
engineer. So I decided to treat it as an engineering problem.

I was clearly disappointed by the fact that all the reported experiments
are thought experiment. So I have done a real experiment.

After fixing the buttered bread on the back of the cat with a rope, when
climbing upstairs to launch the cat, the butter lubrificated the rope,
enough for the bread to fall, butter down. The cat, that did not appreciate
the rope, followed shortly, feet down. Result of the first experiment: no
contradiction. no levitation. three scars.

Of course, the fact that I didn't release the cat with the breaded butter
on its back conducted me to do a retry.

This time, I managed to launch the cat, with the bread on his back. It
managed to land on his feet. At that time, the bread was not on the floor
(it was still on the back of the cat). The cat then rolled on himself, in
order of removing the rope and the bread. When the cat was on his back, the
bread landed on the floor, butter down. Result of second experiment: no
contradiction. no levitation. five scars and two bitings.

Conclusion: even if a scientist is able to refine the theory, I think that
engineering realities will prevent a rapid deployment of a safe solution.

PS: when my wife will come home from vacation, I think I will have some
problems if somebody can not give me very quickly a black cat with a white
left ear. Oh, and who know what is the best product for cleaning butter
from carpets?

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From: "derk" <derk2001#NoSpam.tampabay.rr.com>

From: "Ryan J. Consolver"
Your all completely wrong. I strapped buttered bread on my cat and dropped
it. Much to my surprise the cat and the toast landed side ways. When I
tried to remove the cat from the floor the cat and the bread where stuck on
a vertical axis. I tried to turn the cat feet down and the bread refused to
be turned. I tried turning the bread downward and the cat refused to
turn. I eventually cut the belt holding them together with wire
cutters. The cats feet immediately hit the floor and the buttered bread
also slammed to the floor. Both the bread and the cat could be removed from
the floor because the cat feet to buttered bread reaction force was
eliminated when the two where no longer joined. This discovery causes me
too wonder what forces act on Siamese twins when connected and when
disconnected. There's much to be learned on the matter and I'm sure
millions of tax dollars will be produced to solve this problem that no one
really cares about anyways.

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From: John Cooney / "We Are The One" <co1y943#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

1.  A:  He floats up.
2.  A:  You hear a sudden sound like 'viftiv' and the entire universe
        collapses in on itself.
3.  A:  Time freezes, and the computer that we exist in takes many years
        computing what will happen next.
4.  A:  the poor cat spontaneously combusts, thus frying the bread and toast.
5.  A:  the humane society will come after you for two reasons:
        1. for throwing the cat out of the window and
        2.  To save the fried cat in #4. 
6.  A: The cat would land on a side, face, or bottom.  use the logical part
        of your brains. 

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From: "alex y" <fluffle#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

Although all attempts to tie my cat to a slice of buttered bread have ended
in hurried searches through the first aid box for the antiseptic cream, I
hypothesise that there are two potential outcomes:

1. The cat lands on its feet. The buttered bread does not land at all, as
it is held off the ground by the cat.

2. If a sufficiently thick piece of bread is used, the bread lands
butter-side down and the cat, which is probably rather upset by this point,
is held off the ground by the bread with its paws in the air.

These two outcomes violate neither cat-bread law, as in both cases one of
the two items does not land at all. Of course, once the rope connecting cat
and bread is cut, either the bread will fall on the floor butter-side down,
or the cat will roll off the bread and land on its feet.

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From: "Randall D. Wald" <randy#NoSpam.rwald.com>

The outcome of this experiment would seem to be uncertain. This is
reminiscent of the Uncertainty Principle, which would suggest that this is
actually a quantum case. The cat-toast construct can exist in two states:
butter-side down, or feet-side down. Most researchers would have you chose
between the two states, but they ignore the most obvious of solutions: the
cat-toast construct will exist in both states at once! It will
simultaneously be butter-side down and feet-side down. This duality shall
continue until the cat-toast construct is observed by a researcher, at
which time the cat will panic and escape the bonds holding it to the toast.

Conclusion: Clearly, we have made an error in selecting the feline on which
to experiment; we were accidentally using Schroedinger's cat.

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From: "Zachary Fabert" <zfabert#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>

All of the preceding theories have been base on an incorrect use of
Murphy's Law. Jenning's Corollary states, "The chance of the bread falling
with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the
carpet."  Therefore the side on which the cat/buttered toast arrangement
will land is actually dependant on the surface over which the cat is
dropped.  If the cat is dropped over a brand new carpet, then the buttered
side must contact the ground, however, if the cat is dropped over dirt the
cat's feet will contact the ground.  There is one unexplained phenomenon,
if the cat is dropped over water a mysterious force causes the cat's claws
to be strongly attracted to the face of whoever dropped the cat, resulting
in several scratches.

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I thought I'd point out one quick problem.  If the cat lands feet first,
the bread has not landed. therefore, we can assume that no laws are being
broken, and no universal colapses will happen.  If one were to, say, strap
a piece of bread with a height equal to that of the cat's legs onto the
underbelly of a cat, buttered side to the stomach, (Assuming a way has been
devised to keep the butter from moving off, or you use really cold butter)
Said arrangement would quite easily (if perfectly centered) defy the laws
of gravity, and destroy physics as we know it.  The slightest distance off
to the side of the cat would cause a perfectly sideways cat, hovering and
spinning at angle and speed porportional to it's relative position.  The
most logical conclusion is that, even if humanity were to risk its finest
soldiers and scientists on such a fearsome task, we'd end up with a lot of
cat limbs and butter covering most of the lab, resulting from the
centripetal and cetrifugal forces caused by the spinning.  My 2 cents

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From: "Ana" <quesadilla35#NoSpam.hotmail.com>

This is the final answer: what actually happens is that the can and the
bread with butter are inside a box, so, until we open the box, we can 
consider the can fell on its feet and at the same time it didnt. this,
considering its alive.

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From: "Benjamin Miller" <_ben_#NoSpam.bellsouth.net>

Your theories are all wrong. I have a proof that, in fact, leads to a much
different conclusion.

1. Cat side down 
   a. Toast gains the BTF (Buttered toast force) from the conversion of the
      mass of the non-buttered side
        i.   E=MC^2 (engulfing=munchies*calories^2)
       ii.   The butter side of the toast contains all of the BTF
              1.  The force attracts the butter to the ground
              2.  The force has no effect on the un-buttered side
      iii.   Toast and butter both contain average amounts of energy
              1.  We donít turn into crispy human nuggets when we eat them

   b. The rate of food usage is inversely proportional to the amount left
        i.   Food is made out of electrons, with a creamy, high-density
             positron filling. 
              1.  Positrons cancel out electrons
              2.  There are fewer electrons in food than positrons
    Conclusion: When a cat lands on its feet with buttered toast strapped
    to its back, the toast will convert its mass into energy, which is put
    into the butter. Eventually, the energy will become infinitely
    powerful, so the toast and butter will drill through the cat and
    everything after it, unless power is continually siphoned off, which is
    naturally accomplished through the cat licking butter off the
    toast. The metabolized energy will then allow the cat to shoot energy
    beams out its butt.

   2. butter side down

   As of yet, this theory is untested, but what has been tested has shown
   that the cat vanishes immediately after landing butter side down. I
   believe that the cat reappears in china, where its spontaneous
   appearance causes the start of a cult. This cult eats many slices of
   toast every day, but it has forsworn butter in favor of milk, and is
   planning to destroy all sources of butter, thus solving the problem.


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From: "John Shearman" <john.shearman#NoSpam.gmail.com>
It is sad to see everybody trying to establish a principle using only
results from the low-energy regime.  Replace "buttered bread" with red-hot
toast slathered with lard and topped with a thick coat of chunky-cut
60%-sugar marmalade: if you can overcome the mutual repulsion between cats
and strapping devices long enough to get this onto the cat, you don't have
to drop the construct - it will leap in the air and ram itself
marmalade-side down even on cheap linoleum or a tent groundsheet.

By the way, cats ARE multi-dimensional - you must have noticed how much
they like string(s).

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From: Matthew Ellis <mellis#NoSpam.uow.edu.au>

It is well established that the probability of buttered toast falling
butter side down is directly proportional to the condition/cost of the
floor covering. Any self respecting test of the Buttered Bread on Cat
Problem should also account for this variable and provide for a diverse
sample of flooring materials in different states of repair. 

The matter of The Cat Strapping Problem while vexing is not unsolvable. We
might avoid the great spinning maw at this stage of our experiments by
delegating this dangerous procedure to the elders of the materials
engineering community, those who in the winter of their years, those who
have learned something of the feline predilections and have taken up wool

Upon knitting a vest for the cat out of bread, with little bread collar and
slices of bread for pockets, the kitty can be easily distracted in the
folly of play while it is fitted with the garment. When the cat regains a
measure of composure after making the realisation that it has been duped
and is now wearing a foppish bread vest, replete with a little bread collar
and slices for pockets. Now that the cat is clothed in bread butter can be
liberally applied to the garment with special buttering mittens. Here it is
suggested that the Butterer feign an attempt to remove the vest, thus
providing a natural enough back story for continued meddling. 

Now that the subject is prepared (and the betrayal is complete). The
Butterer must walk away from the clothed kitty and never look back
(...never) or certainly the accursed glare will be put upon them. The evil
eye is perhaps more dangerous than the razor sharp whirring of claws and
teeth through flesh. The evil eye is the promise, across extant time,
space...whatever dimension, that you will pay. "You Will Suffer As No One
Has Ever Suffered Before,  Be Certain Of That". 

Then all that remains is to launch the payload above the testing area and
watch the data flow . 

Yet at what cost this knowledge?...At what cost? 

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From: Fergus Johnston <fergusjohnston#NoSpam.me.com>

I don't have an answer, but I have an expansion of the original query. All
the solutions I've read have postulated the strapping of the buttered bread
to the cat, presumably in a gravitational field, prior to the launching of
the cat/bread complex into the gravitational field. My query is: suppose
the bread unbuttered is launched  freely into the gravitational field at the
same instant as both the cat, and the experimenter with a knife, butter,
and cat/bread strap, and in freefall, the bread is buttered, and then the
cat/bread complex is created, ie, the experimenter straps the buttered
bread to the cat in freefall, what then would be the result? Since it all
happens in freefall, without any gravitational frame of reference, would
the bread law and the cat law both still apply? 

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From: "Sunil Misra" <sunilmisra#NoSpam.msn.com>

I understand this is physics, but physics eventually breaks down, as I
understand it, when all things were or will become that single point of
full yet empty singularity, hence, I humbly offer this for your
consideration of the cat and buttered toast problem:
The cat can be conditioned using operant conditioning, a simple
stimulus-response training.  In other words, the cat can be reinforced
everytime it lands on its feet, which, fortunately, is its natural
instinct.  The toast is another problem.  It cannot be trained.  Training
toast would require sequestering a confirmed geek 24 hours a day in a room
with no other companionship than the toast, butter, and the knife to spread
it with, a chart to record the number of times it falls buttered side down,
which, of course, will be every single time.  These two experiments would
prove that each proposition is correct, i.e., the cat always lands on its
feet and the toast always lands on the buttered side, usually over a pile
of hair or dust.  Once the two are tied together, and after, as the
engineer has noted, substantial damage to the geek, the next step of the
experiment begins.  It would follow an AB design, as the spinning of the
cat and toast would prevent return to baseline.  The A phase, dropping the
cat and dropping the toast, has established baseline.  The first condition
would be the last, dropping the cat with the buttered toast, which, as has
been amply proven before, would result in an incredible spinning.  It is
quite clear, as Leonardo da Vinci noted and now we know, that many fluid
motions happen in a whirlpooling motion.  Hence the galaxies are nothing
more than spinning bathwater to the giant black hole at the center.  Such
holes start small and get bigger.  The spinning of the cat would quickly
begin to draw in matter, including the geek and all surrounding data, then
all interested observers outside the room, and their families, neighbors,
and eventually, their neighbors until all was sucked into the whirring
little greasy hole with the claws.  It would continue until two billion
years from now when the Andromeda galaxy collides with the milky way, one
arm of which had been by then sucked up by the silently meowing hole, all
combining to make a giant black hole, which eventually would sit,
hibernate, and when the big crunch came, or the universal black
discombobulating whimper into darkness, leave all meaning aside.  Hence,
philosophy is the real solution.  What is the meaning of the cat?  What is
the meaning of toast and how is its essence changed by the spreading of
butter?  Where does the Cat's Self begin and the Butteredtoast's Self end?
When it all combines, will there be a navel?  Will it dream?  How can we
become one with it voluntarily rather than by force?  Will we be one with
the cat, the butter, the toast, the buttered toast, or the unity of the
three?  When that vast blackness recoalesces, will it explode to restart
the giagantic cycle again, passing the sins of the previous on to the
subsequent?  Will we again have physics, cats, butter, toast, and geeks?
It's all in the strings. 

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From: Joshua Clark <neocommodore#NoSpam.gmail.com>

Upon complete balance of forces (cat size, bread/butter ratio, carpet
value, moisture content of landing surface, suffectent tethering
device, ect.); the moment the buttered bread unit is affixed to the
feline sheer forces rip through your universe (causing significant
physical damage).  High speed cameras have yet to catch any glimps of
the butter cat unit before it enters an alternate phase of
reality/universe.  What we do know is that in that reality, the
tethering device does fail and both the cat and butter suffer both
physical and psychological damage before being returned to our
existance.  For this reason we believe the entities in that universe
must be some form of water based "dogs".  Some psychologist note that
the feline shows increased anxiety to the experiementer.  This
behaverior is however not attributed to the butter/feline experiment.
In all control groups it is noted that any object that transits to an
alternate existance exibits this condition. 

 For the safety of the toast, cat, universe, and yourselves we feel it
is impairative that this experiement be ceased immediately.  Feel free
to continue safer experiements such as the"Black hole
Phaser/Lightsaber Shield".

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