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From: Steffen Knack (sknack#NoSpam.vaxff1.mpi-stuttgart.mpg.de)

                         Quantumtheory of Politics
                             by Steffen Knack

Abstract :

An introductory summary about failed attempts to employ quantitative
methods to social and political sciences is given. A new and hopefully
successful attempt will be presented by using theories and methods derived
from modern quantum physics.


It has long been seen as a major weakness of the social and political
sciences that they lack the mathematical precision, which has been the key
to the great successes of the natural sciences. As a consequence great
expectations [1] have been set in almost every new mathematical theory of
the last decades, e.g. catastrophe theory and chaos theory. Yet, while it
is from a intuitive point of view logical to try to adopt catastrophe or
chaos theory to politics, experience has shown that only the names but not
the mathematical substance of these theories are well suited for this task

Catastrophe theory deals with the structural stability and instability of
potentials. While no-one can deny that there are many instabilities in
world politics, the existence of a structure is by no means evident. Indeed
the failure of this theory gives prove of the total absence of any
structure whatsoever.

A first view at chaos theory, which deals with very complex systems, again
suggests a successful application in political science. A closer look
however reveals that chaos theory is only applicable to the so-called
determined chaos, which evolves out of a set of well defined rules. Anyone
who wants to try to establish a set of rules in politics, clearly lacks any
sense of reality. This means that chaos theory will turn out - and indeed
has already done so - to be a again a complete failure.

In this grim situation there might nevertheless be hope coming from a
direction the least expected : quantum physics. In the following we will
give a rough outline of the basic features of quantum theory. The main part
of this work consists of practical applications which show a first glimpse
of future triumphs in this field.

Theory of Quantum Physics

The overwhelming success of quantum theory stems from the fact that from
the very beginning it is concerned with probabilities rather than
certainties. These probabilities are mathematically represented by
wave-functions which are vectors of an abstract Hilbertspace or in the case
of many-particle systems a Fockspace. The time development of these
functions is given by Schroedinger's equation

                       i/h * d/dt(Psi) = H(t) * Psi

where H(t) is the so-called Hamiltionian of the system. Of the many results
which can be deduced using this seemingly simple equation we will make
mostly use of Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle which states

                     dX * dP > h/2  or  dE * dt > h/2

This shall suffice as a short introduction to the most important concepts
of quantum physics and we will proceed with the more interesting part of
applications in politics.

Application of Quantum Physics in Politics

The System of German Democracy

As it is always best to use specific examples for illustration, we will
start out with describing the German Democracy in terms of quantum
theory. The first step is to choose a irreducible base of our system, which
is given by |CDU>, |SPD>, |FDP>, |Greens>, |PDS>. Let us assume for sake of
simplicity that Germany is a closed system, i.e. we will at first neglect
the impact of foreign policy. A rather simple calculation then yields the
astonishing result that Kohl is an eigenvalue of German Democracy
(unfortunately the 1998 national elections have taken place meanwhile,
contradicting this and the following statements [3]. Yet, recognizing the
clarity and logic of the reasoning we prefer theory to reality). Given an
eigenvalue and the corresponding eigenfunction, which here evidently is the
|CDU>|FDP> coalition, one can always eliminate time dependence. This means
we have found a static solution which solves the time-independent
Schroedinger equation

                     H Psi(Kohl) = E(Kohl) * Psi(Kohl)

Thus we have derived very easily an explanation for the fact that there has
been no progress in Germany for the last 14 years.

Next, we want to analyse political elections. As an example, let us
consider the question of the probability of a political change after the
next election. (The reader is asked to keep in mind, that these
probabilities have already turned into certainties, which, while having
been very unlikely, are now certain.) It is evident to every physicist that
one only has to calculate the matrix element of transition

                            W = <CDU|E1998|SPD>

where E1998 is the election-operator of 1998 (which is of course hermite,
the outcome of elections being an observable). We now have only to consult
linear algebra and to remember that  |CDU> and |SPD> both belong to an
orthogonal base to see that


We want to remark here that the above calculation holds only if the system
is not observed, because only then can the time-development described by
Schroedinger's equation be applied. Any observation of the system will of
course lead to an immediate collapse of the wave-function. Thus as an
spin-off from our calculation we now understand why polls frequently fail
to produce correct predictions (and we have found someone to blame: this
damned pollsters ruined our nice paper) .

World Trade and National Politics

As we now turn our attention towards global economics we will find the
Heisenberg relations to be of great practical use. The world wide free
trade like it is set down in the GATT treaty [4] means an increase in dX
which infers an decrease in dP. As E is given in the non-relativistic case
as E = P^2/(2m) this means that dE also decreases, which again results in
dt getting bigger. Thus we have found a theoretical explanation for the
empirically well known fact, that in global trade delivery times tend to be
longer than in regional markets.

Another question of great interest is the problem of the influence of
national policies in a world of global markets. Concerning world trade
national governments can almost only resort to tariffs and customs. In our
quantum theory we can describe this situation in terms of potential
barriers which are setup by national governments. International trade now
means nothing else than the scattering of particles by these potential
barriers. Thus we are able to take the well established facts of the
quantum theory of scattering and apply them to our problem. The first
result that we obtain is the fact that the higher the potential barrier
(i.e. the higher the customs) the less likely are foreign goods to enter
the local market. This is in perfect agreement with the predictions of the
standard theories of economics [5]. But our theory does more than that : We
see for instance that not only the height of the potential barrier but also
its width is of importance, which means that import duties of big national
economies like the USA or Japan influence world economics rather more than
smaller economies like Costa Rica or Liechtenstein. Even such irregular
phenomena like smuggling and bootlegging, which the older theories
regularly failed to describe, are an integral part of quantum theory
represented by the well investigated tunneling phenomena. We see that the
whole variety and complexity of international economics can thus be
described with quantum theory.


We have tried to choose the most simple and vivid examples and generally
have kept mathematics to a minimum. Yet, even those few examples give a
glimpse of the vast variety of possible future applications of this
approach. When one considers that we didn't even use powerful concepts and
theories like quantum field theory, Feynman diagrams and the violation of
parity by weak interaction, one cannot be but awe-stricken by the thought
of what will become possible in the future. We personally set our highest
hopes in the CPT-Theorem and its consequences for politics. If policies can
be developed which show an invariance under time reversal this could be the
answer to the socio-economic and political problems of our troubled days


This work has been funded under no grant whatsoever [7].


[1] C. Dickens, Great Expectations, London (1861)
[2] C. Dickens, Hard Times, London (1854)
[3] B. Joel, Getting it right the first time, The Stranger,
    Joelsongs (1977)
[4] J. Irving, The World According to GATT, Random House, New York
[5]  O.V. Trebeis, Nationaloekonomologie, Tuebingen (1988)
[6] Supertramp, Crisis ? What crisis ?, A&M Records (1975)
[7] Beatles, You never give me your money, Abbey Road, Emi Records

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From: John Sergent (jsergent#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com)

from the Car Talk Mailbag...
William L. Roes sent the following letter (response sent from

Dear Tom and Ray,

I would like to discuss a subject that I am sure most individuals simply
take as a fact of our daily existence: losing things!

An example: on more than one occasion while working on the car, I would
drop something--a nut or bolt--and look for it in every location it
could possibly have landed, only to discover that it was just not there.
What would add to the frustration of the whole experience was that once
I had surrendered to the futility of the search, there the object would
be...in plain sight.

My mother used to say when something had strangely disappeared that it
had fallen into a void. Later, when the object was recovered, it had
somehow fallen back out of the void. That explanation did not satisfy my
need to understand this mysterious phenomenon. I am happy to announce,
after years of diligent effort, the answer is available.

The turning point in the investigation was the realization that certain
types of materials have a greater chance of being affected by this
phenomenon. (This was discovered only after the disappearance of socks
was found to be caused by an entirely different set of circumstances.)
While this temporary disappearance can happen to any object under the
right conditions, it occurs more often in metal objects subjected to a
great deal of stress in their formation (i.e., nuts, bolts, earrings,
keys, etc.).

What occurs is that when the object falls and strikes the ground, this
causes vibration at the atomic level. In objects with a highly ordered
crystalline structure (metals), it is possible to get all the atoms to
vibrate in unison if the object is below a certain limiting size. So
this usually happens only to small objects; the conditions required for
this to happen to very large items will be discussed later. When the
neutrons vibrate in unison it causes the subatomic gravitons to emit a
type of energy not yet fully understood. The phenomenon has been named
Graviton Oscillation Neutron Emission, or GONE for short. This energy
field actually causes the object to shift in relative time. The degree
of temporal shift is dependent on the amount of energy released It may
shift just a few moments, in which case you may find the object while
conducting your search. On other occasions it may take minutes, hours or
months, or you may never catch up with the item in the stream of time.

For larger objects the energy from the impact is not sufficient to cause
a shift in time. However, sympathetic vibrations due to resonance can
spread throughout the structure, causing the temporal shift to occur
later. This has been observed in mall parking lots where a car door had
been slammed, and after a few minutes have passed the car disappears.
This phenomenon is usually accompanied by a position shift as well, such
that when the automobile reappears, it is in a different parking space
than the one you are quite sure you left it in. In a few instances the
vehicles have been found miles away from the point of disappearance,
somewhat worse for wear from their journey through time and space. And
often missing tires and electronic components, oddly enough.

So, now that this phenomenon is understood, it should relieve us all of
unnecessary anxiety. When you can't find your keys or your car, just
wait--it's only GONE temporarily. It will pop up when it falls out of
the void.

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From deichman#NoSpam.cod.nosc.mil Wed Aug 05 04:20:00 1998


by Joseph D. Lykken
Santa Cruz Inst. for Particle Physics
Univ. of Calif., Santa Cruz, CA 95064

(Work supported by DOE, contract DE-AA03-76SF00010)


We report the observation of warm nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs catalyzed by a concentrated colloidal suspension of avian lipids. We present a simple theoretical model relating this process to superstring theory, quantum wormholes, fractal geometry, and high temperature superconductors. A straightforward scaling argument shows that the total annual energy requirements of the United States can be produced from approximately 137.03602 g of catalyst.


Recent observations of cold nuclear fusion of deuteron pairs, through electrolysis in solutions of metallic salts, has generated considerable excitement in the physics community and elsewhere. The fusion catalysis process described by Fleischmann and Pons does, however, have several drawbacks when considered as a putative means of mass power generation. The process is slow, requiring a continuous electrical power input of several hours before the onset of fusion. In addition, this process requires costly palladium or titanium cathodes, as well as highly toxic combinations of dissolved metallic salts.

The modified *warm* fusion process which we have discovered (independently) and which is described in this paper suffers none of these disadvantages. In our process, the salt solution is augmented by a concentrated colloidal suspension of certain avian lipid compounds, available in an inexpensive commercial preparation (i.e., Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup) in arbitrarily large quantities. This preparation is not only nontoxic, but actually healthful. Instead of requiring several hours of applied external current, our process induces fusion after gentle heating to 90 degrees Celsius, maintained for five minutes. The palladium cathode is replaced by an inexpensive chromium-plated utensil, which is given an approximately circular motion induced by elementary mechanical means.

Since our fusion catalysis technique is so simple, we will not belabor the description of the process itself, but instead focus on the analysis of the data and present an obvious theoretical model for the underlying physics.


Although, as we shall demonstrate, our warm fusion technique can readily produce a net power output in the terawatt range, our initial experimental setup operated at a more modest scale. Rather than resorting to direct detection of fusion product neutrons, we employed a highly accurate neutron calorimetry procedure. We first measured the total external power supplied to our system. This involved reading the electric meter on the circuit containing our (electrically powered) heating apparatus, and correcting for other power drains on the circuit, such as lightbulbs, radios, and video cassette recorders. We then corrected this power reading for the electricity/heat conversion efficiency of our apparatus, taken from an authoritative source (c.f. _The World Book Encyclopedia_). Further corrections were made for cosmic ray background radiation incident on our apparatus, energy deposition from proton decay within the apparatus, and additional heat from minor amounts of paprika contamination.

To determine the total energy output from 300 seconds of catalyzed fusion events, 400 cc of the solution was ingested by a 75 kg male homo sapien volunteer subject. After a short digestion period, the subject was led through a series of mechanical tasks ("The Jane Fonda Ultimate Challenge Workout") and the resulting power output -- estimated by sophisticated nonlinear biodynamic integro-differential hyperelliptic functional analysis, simulated numerically on a Cray XMP supercomputer. Details of this analysis will be presented in a future publication.

The results of our analysis for a 400 cc catalytic solution were as follows:

Total average external power input:	{hfill}1193.762 watts
Total average power output:{hfill}	1196.885 watts
Net average power output due to fusion:	{hfill}  3.123 watts

Although our experimental results may seem somewhat surprising to the uninitiated, there is a simple theoretical explanation of the underlying physics responsible for efficient warm fusion catalysis in lipid suspensions. As is well known, the principal obstacle to deuteron fusion is the Coulombic potential barrier induced by the electrostatic repulsion of the positively charged particles. A straightforward application of ten-dimensional heterotic superstring dynamics shows that deuterons can percolate through the Coulomb barrier through the spontaneous generation of quantum wormholes. One can easily see why this process is enhanced in the presence of suspended avian lipids by applying the Anthropic Principle. Obviously, if the laws of physics did not produce such an enhancement, we could not have observed it in our universe, and a contradiction of our material existence would result. The perforation of the Coulomb barrier by quantum wormholes is elegantly described in terms of fractal geometry; an analytic continuation to planar surfaces produces analogous electromagnetic anomalies in resonant spin liquids, thus explaining the behavior of high temperature superconductors. Details of this model will appear in a future publication.


We have considered the problem of scaling up our warm fusion technique to provide the commercial and strategic defense power requirements of the United States. The appropriate scaling law was obtained by repeating our initial experiment, but adding only half as much water to our commercial preparation as called for in the instructions. With this additional concentration of the catalytic solution, we obtained a net power output increase of 0.00016%. Clearly, by continuing to halve the amount of added water, we can obtain an arbitrarily high power of this enhancement factor, and thus any level of power output desired. We estimate that, by limiting the amount of added water to 3 micrograms (easily accomplished through national technical means), more than 10 terawatts of warm fusion power could be produced.

We strongly urge, and fervently hope, that the power of chicken soup will only be used for peaceful purposes.

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From: brun#NoSpam.tybalt.caltech.edu (Todd A. Brun)

This was my second Institute of Fuzzy Science bulletin. Readers of news:sci.physics, among others, should appreciate it.

Crank Unified Theories: The CUTting edge of Fuzzy Science

Quite recently the Institute of Fuzzy Science has announced the discovery of several bold new theories, providing a unified explanation, or at least excuse, for a broad range of natural phenomena. These theories are both extremely ambitious in their scope and modest in their assumptions. Their main trait is that they deduce a great deal from practically nothing.

The creation of Crank Unified Theories is an old and honorable tradition, dating back to prehistoric times, when our ancient ancestors looked around them and asked, "How the heck did *this* all get here?" The process was lent considerable prestige by such luminaries as Aristotle and Ptolemy, in the classical age, and continues up to this day. One recent idea by a worker outside the Institute was Photon Mechanics, which postulated that all fundamental particles were composed of photons. In an attempt to prove this, he tried to synthesize a meal from gamma rays. Unfortunately, the food immediately propagated away at 299,000 kilometers per second, leaving critics of the light lunch unsatisfied.

"Terrible," one physicist commented. "Much too bland." Others seemed to agree.

The CUTs produced at the Institute of Fuzzy Science are notable in that they all contradict each other, and sometimes themselves. Thus, few would argue that all, or even most, are correct. The most successful theory to date is that of Dr. Isaac M. Woozy, commonly known as Woozy Theory. Woozy Theory has proven capable of predicting practically anything you put to it.

What is Woozy Theory? In its simplest outlines, it is an attempt to describe nature by unifying three separate realms of observation: General Relativity, Quantum Mechanics, and Scrabble. By adopting a three pronged approach the theory is able to resolve the apparent contradictions between each of the sub-theories.

"I believe that the problems of earlier researchers," stated Dr. Woozy, "arose from treating the subjects piecemeal. A unified approach is required." He cites difficulties with Superstring Theory, Quantum Scrabble, and Scrabble in Curved Spacetime. In each case, he maintains, difficulties arose from neglecting a broad class of other phenomena. "My discovery was serendipitous," he recalls. "I'd been wrestling with various theories for weeks without getting anywhere. Finally, in my office, I picked up Merzbacher's Quantum Mechanics in one hand and Misner, Thorne and Wheeler's Gravitation in the other -- well, I touched it, anyway, it's too heavy to lift. Just as I was staring at both of them, my Scrabble set fell from the top shelf and hit me on the head."

With the blow came illumination. If one merely assumes that Scrabble must exist, the rest of nature follows. Gravity, for example, is necessary to keep the pieces on the board. Electromagnetism provides light, to see the letters with. One critic pointed out the possibility of magnetized pieces; Woozy pondered for hours until he had resolved the conflict to his satisfaction.

"One not only needs gravity to keep the pieces on the board," he explained, "but also to provide an atmosphere, so the players can breathe." When the critic began to suggest pressure suits and space colonies, Woozy silenced him with a skillfully thrown paperweight.

"I take my work seriously," he declared.

Most exciting of all, Woozy theory provides the first coherent explanation for the universe as a whole. If Scrabble is necessary, then so are players, and a universe to play in. Woozy calls this the "Really Strong" or "Scrabble" Anthropic Principle. Humans (or at least intelligent beings) are necessary, providing an order to biological evolution which has been lacking since the failure of the Chain of Being. This also suggests that if aliens exist, they may well play Scrabble.

"That doesn't mean that they will speak English, necessarily," Woozy added cautiously. "There are foreign language versions, after all. And the point values may differ, somewhat." He suggested to SETI that they listen for very long range Play By Mail games. At present, his suggestion has not been acted on. "They're just miffed that they didn't think of it," Woozy sniffed.

Rival theories include unifying QFT and GR with chess or checkers, or even tic-tac-toe. While the originators of these theories remain hopeful, Woozy is pessimistic.

"Those games are extremely difficult to unify with Quantum Mechanics," Woozy explained, "since they lack an element of chance. And tic-tac-toe doesn't even have pieces, so gravity is pretty shaky as well. Plus it's a drawn game (no pun intended). Who'd want to live in a universe that boring?" Woozy also recalled an early game of quantum chess: "After about thirty moves, black was both mated and not mated. It made for terrible arguments."

Are these, or similar theories, the answer to the riddle of the universe? Most observers doubt it. Still, as Dr. Woozy himself points out, "What the heck, it keeps us off the streets."

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October 17
From: "Richard L. Hoffmann, Ph.D." <profhoff#NoSpam.iaonline.com>
BULLETIN BOARD BIOMASS: An Energy Alternative for the 21st Century

Richard L. Hoffmann, Ph.D. AESOP
Loco Director
Division of High Entropy Chemical Physics and Nuisance Herbs,
Tuscarora,  75757


That we are enjoying a lull in the great energy wars of the past decades
must not diminish our commitment to developing a means by which our
nation may gain freedom from the threat of the oil embargo. Scientists
at the Loco Institute of Educational Synectics (LIES) have been working
diligently toward a solution to this imminent problem.  We are pleased
to announce a major breakthrough that we believe can meet our nation's
energy needs now and in the foreseeable future. It involves a heretofore
unknown violation of the law of conservation of matter. Though the law
states that matter cannot be created or destroyed, only changed from one
form to another, Loco research and management personnel, subsequently
abetted by various funding and government agencies, have discovered that
matter can apparently be created out of nothingness. The discovery is
remarkable in that the demonstrated process is able to generate huge
volumes of combustible cellulosic material with a single and quite
familiar transducer -- a bulletin board.


The biomass converters and the application described herein originated
in 1967 at our institution's satellite facility, Informational
Coprocessors Corporated (ICC) initially housed in temporary buildings
located on a bluff above the Illinois river near Washington, Illinois.
Though the staff was small, an astute member of our team noticed early
on that bulletin boards tend to fill spontaneously with bulletins. It
made no difference where the bulletin board was located -- if nearly
empty one day, it would be found full the next. No one was ever able to
observe directly a bulletin board in the act of biomass proliferation.
However, many have witnessed the
staggering quantities of sheet firewood that each unit was able to

Presently, we have a team investigating a possible inverse relationship
between the growth rates of bulletin board biomass and that of the
elusive Morel mushroom -- no one has ever seen one of them grow either.
We hope to publish that research at a later date in the Journal of
Manure Science.


Preliminary experiments indicated that bulletin boards under the control
of administrative personnel held the greatest potential as a source of
biomass. Theirs were emblazoned with colorful and varied biomass units
which were easy to see and harvest. Each fuel pod was affixed to the
substrate with a quartet of convenient and easily removed needle-like
units that bore a cylindrical plastic appurtenance designed to be
gripped with the fingers; a degenerate form of the device is recognized
as a thumbtack. On administrative terrain, at least, it appeared to
matter little if the bulletin boards were inside enclosures. Although
harvest was somewhat encumbered by an enclosure, it seemed to have no
retardant effect whatever on the rate at which the board was able to
breed copious biomass.

Field tests carried out on experimental plots throughout the Loco
Institute revealed that there was an optimum harvest-to-latency period
which influenced yields. Apparently, as biomass accumulates, the
supporting acreage is unable to maintain further production. This
clearly indicated that if sustained high yields were to be enjoyed, a
program of vigorous pruning must be implemented and maintained
throughout the useful lifetime of the biomass generator.


It is imperative that we insert a cautionary note for any who may
implement our proposal -- the process can very easily run out of control
and generate consequences ghastly to contemplate and impossible to
rectify. Kinetic studies indicate that the rate determining reaction is
zero order -- concentration dependent on nothing. It is a
hyperbolic-hypergolic chain reaction that is impossible to moderate once
it has proceeded beyond the induction period.  We refer interested
researchers to the seminal efforts of Shmidgall, et al, "The Paper
Blob", Helvetica Federal Expressica Acta, (7), 2.71828, 1983.  Loco
therefore suggests the exercise of extreme caution and it disclaims any
liability for attendant damage which may be caused by the imprudent use
of our schemata.



In theory, virtually any fossil-fueled power plant can be modified to
use biomass that might be harvested from bulletin boards. It is proposed
that we mount a national effort to place numerous bulletin boards
everywhere and harvest the biomass that is all but certain to appear
upon them. Small children could be trained in early life to harvest
small bulletin boards, thereby becoming accustomed to the endless work
they will face as adults in a world filled with these heretofore
unrecognized biomass generators. They would gain an early opportunity to
taste the fruits of stoop labor as they gleaned the floors for fallen
biomass. Unemployment would be cut drastically because, until fully
automated harvest machinery is developed, biomass collection would be

Like windpower, bulletin board biomass is best exploited where it is
found in highest concentration.  By coincidence, both resources are in
bountiful supply in Washington, D.C. and in any organization that deals
with governmental agencies. Washington windpower has already been
treated in our paper, "The Bicameral Ram-Air Effect: A Biometric Boom",
-- Journal of Kinetic Flatulence (37), Pork 3.14159, 1978. -- and is
beyond the scope of the present treatment.

Other promising locations for bulletin board biomes include areas near
the offices of safety inspectors, union chiefs, athletic managers and
their supporters, near time-clocks, plant gates, bureaucrats both major
and minor, staff mailboxes, and anywhere bulletin boards are found in
educational institutions -- it is well known that those sited there are
pretreated with a redolent spawn of academic humus which can attract
substantial biomass.

Because everyone represents a cog somewhere in a bureaucratic machine,
each has a capacity to make some contribution to the solution of our
nation's energy problem. Supervisory and administrative personnel are in
the best position to take the lead in this effort. Admittedly, their
biomass generators are state-of-the-art devices. That fact
notwithstanding, each of us has an obligation to make whatever
contribution we can by emulating their example; alas, to equal them is
known to be impossible.


We envision vast fleets of combines groaning across the limitless
bureaucratic veldt. Biomass from these sources alone appears to be
infinite.  Preliminary data suggest it is quite possible that a
nation-wide effort to establish even a few properly sited small bulletin
board biomass farms could produce annual yields that would easily
outstrip the accumulated tonnage of planetary copies of the National
Geographic Magazine, -- J. Irr. Results., (20), No.3, 22, 1974. For this
reason we offered the earlier caveat; the concept is not trivial and
merits all due caution.

Because it will be impossible to stockpile the overwhelming tide of
biomass that will result once such farms are established, the citizenry
must be carefully reprogrammed to abandon their misguided notions as to
the benefits of energy conservation.  They should be encouraged to raise
their energy demands by whatever means at their disposal.  This includes
building homes with extra bathrooms so that all children could be
retrained to leave the lights on. The scientific community is encouraged
to step up its activities in genetic engineering so that we may develop
humans with six ears and thus make it possible for everyone to own and
use more powerful portable stereo sound systems. The Sahara could be air
conditioned by use of a heat pump connected to the North pole.  Some of
the excess energy could be used to provide each citizen with his/her own
black hole and thereby solve the problem of litter, pollution, and
overpopulation in one fell swoop.


Definitive experiments have clearly established that there is no
theoretical limit to the size of the harvest that may be obtained from
bulletin boards. No one has ever seen an empty bulletin board. Large or
small, each is capable of a truly frightening fecundity only approached
in vigor by a congressman's relentless quest for perquisites in an age
of economic shortfall or by the academician's penchant for junketing.

Loco directors and staff scientists work tirelessly in the service of
our nation toward the end that one day our cracked organization will be
the first to overthrow the second law of  thermodynamics. After which,
energy will breed energy and all may enjoy the life they deserve.


This work was supported by a grant from International Drone-Lassitude
Enterprises (IDLE). The author wishes to express his appreciation to B.
Cook, a Loco staff scientist, for his helpful laboratory work and the
statistical data on which this study is based.

Dr. Verhagen,

Thank you for your speedy response regarding our paper on Bulletin Board
Biomass (BBB)-- and for your willingness to include it in your very
fascinating web-site.

Indeed, we are in agreement with your reviewer regarding the perpetual
motion aspects of BBB. Thus, our precautionary note that once initiated,
the process could have consequences too ghastly to behold.

Early on, before relevant experimental parameters were fully
established, a quite modest pilot plant experiment ran amok. To bring
matters under control we were forced to back-feed the excess electricity
from our generator into the power grid. Our local coal-fired utility
company was subsequently forced to cut itself from the national grid for
almost 13 days. Alas, ramifications spread. Trainloads of coal backed up
at the local deposition points snarled traffic for almost a month.

I would be pleased to send you full technical details of this incident.
However, documents regarding it were stored in an unused closet that
inadvertently contained a few coat-hangers. As you know, left
unattended, coat-hangers can multiply more quickly than a Cray. Though
this (storage) incident occurred some years ago, we are still entangled
in the process of untangling tons of coat-hanger tangles. Several
members of our team, unable to cope with the strain, have withdrawn from
our program and are now resting comfortably in the care of Dr. Anthony
Hopkins at a resort named "Wellville."

I hope these remarks are clarify our paper. Should you wish to append
them to its presentation we would be agreeable.


Richard L. Hoffmann, Ph.D.
Loco Director of Research
Parallel Universe Consortium

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From: rbaakk#NoSpam.att.att.com (Ronald S Baakkonen +1 201 949 7941)

Dear Mr. Templeton:

Due to frustrations I have experienced in recent months, I am forced to
turn to you for help. For you see, I have made a remarkable discovery, that
at present, I have had little luck in impressing upon a public made overly
skeptical by wild and unsubstantiated claims made by crackpot media hounds
posing as scientists. These imposters have sullied the public mind to true
and enlightened breakthroughs, and I have been unable to have my work taken
seriously at any of the well-respected scientific journals. I turn to you
in desperation, and I know that my evidence will meet with unbiased,
objective reason before your forum.

I have discovered that a simple organic fabric, liberally soaked in an
aqueous solution of di-hydrogen oxide, and then spun in a high temperature
superconducting gyroscope, will experience a anomalous weight loss due, for
the most part, to a cold fusion reaction.

I describe my experimental procedure: An ordinary, carefully sorted load of
all cotton fabrics was soaked in a distilled solution of di-hydrogen oxide.
This load was carefully weighed and then put into the high temperature
superconducting gyroscope. After a thirty minute exposure to a lateral
spin, the load was removed and carefully weighed a second time. In every
case, the second measurement indicated an anomalous weight reduction.

Due to the absence of the aqueous solution after the spin, I theorize that
this weight reduction is caused by a cold fusion reaction between the two
hydrogen atoms in the di-hydrogen oxide molecule to produce one helium and
one oxygen molecule. Since helium is lighter than air, perhaps this
contributes to the weight reduction. The fact that I was unable to detect a
noticeable release of heat confirms that this is in fact cold fusion. I
expect that the organic nature of the cotton fabric in some way provides a
catalyst for this reaction to take place. With this in mind, I attempted to
determine if live organic matter would increase the effect. Unfortunately,
the experiment was unconclusive as my cat, Fluffy, failed to remain in a
live state over the duration of the experiment. Four further experiments,
using various rodents, achieved similar results, leading me to conclude
that the anomalous weight loss effect is not a suitable diet technique for

I know that the gyroscope is superconducting since the metal casing is
clearly marked "Amana Superconvection Dryer." Now, as we all know,
convection is nearly the same as conduction, so this is what they must
really mean. I know that it is a high-temperature superconductor because
the temperature switch was set on "High" throughout the experiment.

The ramifications of this discovery are enormous. However, my every attempt
to describe this important effect has fallen on deaf ears. Please help me
spread the word about this earth-shattering breakthrough.

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From: atesli#NoSpam.aol.com (Atesli)

                  The Philogiston Theory of Electronics*

A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it,
realization of a Basic Truth came to me.  So simple!  So obvious we
couldn't see it!  John Kuivinen, Chairman of the Palomar Repeater
Committee, (an amateur radio group), I think has discovered what makes
intigrated circuits work.  He says that smoke (yes, you read smoke) is the
thing that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of it,
the IC stops working.  I was flabbergasted!!!  Why of course he's right!!!

Smoke makes all things electrical work.  Remember the last time the smoke
escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator?  Didn't it stop working?

I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth dawned.  It's the
wiring harness that carries smoke from one device to another in your
machine and when the harness springs a leak, it lets the smoke out all at
once, and then nothing works.  Can't you see now why motors have to be
large to handle all that smoke, and don't they have smoke all over the
inside when they quit working?  Think about it!

* Original author's name not available or he didn't want credit.

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From: "Mark Reynolds" <mar539#NoSpam.novell3.bham.ac.uk>
                            ELEPHANT COLLIDERS

It's very tricky & very expensive to collide sub atomic particles
together. CERN is such a drain, so perhaps we need a new method.  Lets
collide something bigger together. If we can see the particles, it's so
much easier.

Lets use elephants on rollerskates.

One elephant is launched down a ramp towards a stationary target
elephant. As they impact they can richoche off each other or merge to
become a compound animal. This will then emit other animals and decay to
something more stable, like a Giraffe.

Using this new method, Physicists have discovered that the wombat is
responsible for carrying the charge between electrons, not the
photons. They are now working with higher energies to create new heavier
compound animals. Once a blue whale is created, scientists hope that higher
energies will reveal new animals, perhaps dinosaurs.

It's also possible to examine the structure of the elephant. By firing a
smaller animal, for example a badger, at the elephant it will penetrate,
exposing the hidden fine structure.

The disadvantages are cleaning up afterwards. But elephants die off pretty
quickly in comparison to the biproducts of nuclear fission!

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From: mcripps#NoSpam.computan.on.ca (mervyn)

From an article in Physics Today by Gary Taubs:

                         ONWARD TO THE DESSERTRON

   The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a
colossal doughnut-shaped accelerator so immense that all the jelly and
cream in the world could not fill it.  Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will
create twin beams of ice cream, one vanilla and one chocolate, and will
smash them together at energies of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one
thousand times more powerful than any ice cream smasher ever made.  Because
matter and energy are equivalent in desserts, eternally linked by
Einstein's famous equation:

  (extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared

when these beams collide, they will do more than make soft yogurt.
Theorists believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be
elementary flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than
any known now.

   "Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says
high-calorie fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel
Prize for proving that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies,
strawberry rhubarb and French vanilla are both aspects of the same
fundamental God-like flavor) "we have discovered something new.  At one
sprinkle, we discovered the banana.  At one thousand, we figured out that
frappes, westerns, malteds and milkshakes were simply different variations
of ice cream and milk.  At a million, we discovered fudge and made
brownies, and were content.  The next big step was another factor of 1000,
and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack Horner
uncertainty principle.  It's clear that what we need to do is study
desserts at several trillion sprinkles."

   In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the
next two decades should be the ice cream accelerator officially named the
Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO).  The mammoth blender, as they have
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several
different speeds from puree all the way through whip.  It would take twelve
years to build and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice,
and make moist icing.  Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine
will find are the raspberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be
responsible for defining the caloric content of all fundamental desserts
during spontaneous symmetry breakfasting); those desserts predicted by the
theory techniflavor, which postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a
fundamental dessert but is actually a bound state of more elementary
desserts; and the particles of sugarsymmetry, which include spumpkin and
specan pies, banino splits and banino cream pies and several different
flavors of antipastries.

    Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum
     in science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and
      Sealtest have already put in bids for the machine and many more are
  expected.  The state of Texas has promised that if the machine is built in
   Texas, it will pay for the tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed
    to cool the ice cream down to a few degrees above absolute zero to save
     money on artificial preservatives.  When the SSO is finished, it will
   assure the U.S.  pre-eminence in desserts well into the 21st century, and
      says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzacist and discover of
  intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this machine is
       built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts."

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From: bobc#NoSpam.killer.DALLAS.TX.US (Bob Calbridge)

                                        By William Buvitt
[The Physics Teacher, January 1989]

April 1, 1988:  The heaviest element known to science was recently
discovered by physicists at Turgid University.  The element,
tentatively named Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons,
which means that its atomic number is 0.  However, it does have 1
neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111
assistants to the vice-neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass number
of 312.  The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force
that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which
it is present.  According to Dr.  M.  Langour, one of the discoverers
of the element, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction
that normally takes less than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which time
it does not actually decay.  Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange places.  Some studies have indicated that the
atomic mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr.  Languor angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all
of his papers into the intake hatch of the university's particle
accelerator.  "Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports,
grant forms, etc.  with the particles in the accelerator created the
new element."  Dr.  Langour explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere.  According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university
campuses, near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

[Ed:  By Thomas Kyle of M.I.T.]

An alternate version:
From: zdxc0d#NoSpam.amoco.com (David Crowson)

Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.

Administratum has an atomic mass of 311 1/2, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.

It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is

Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.

It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.

From: tornberg#NoSpam.netcom.com (Neal E. Tornberg)

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

From: Benjamin.J.Tilly#NoSpam.dartmouth.edu (Benjamin J. Tilly)

One major problem is that proximity to this substance tends to make the
process of getting anything done (such as getting grant money) more
time-consuming, which makes the experiments in question extremely

From: "david lowenstein" <animepc#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>

Administratium has no electrons, since it is not elected, but it has a =
new class of particle called the appointrons, which serve the same =
purpose as the electrons.

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From: acbul1#NoSpam.lindblat.cc.monash.edu.au (Andrew Bulhak)
                             New element names

Others which have already been named by the ISO department of 
redundancy department committee for nuclear atomic naming conventions
committee include:

137 finestructureconstantium
202 washdcareacodeium
212 fahrenheitwaterboilium
286 oldibmpcium
357 chevyengineium

but there is still some controversy about the decision of

666 barneyium

[pardon me, but my brain hasn't been the same since my last 
frontal la-barn-omy. I've just washed my brain and I can't do a thing
with it]

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May 9
Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost,
and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd
socks. One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures,
and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same
design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly
impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up
to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).

On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised
exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two socks to be in the same
eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to
vanish. Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time
you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be
sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at
your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise
becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and
Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.

From: eridani#NoSpam.scn.org (Martha K. Koester)

Theories about disappearing socks--the two you cited are wrong.  It has
long been known that the sock is the larval form of the coat hanger.

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From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn) 
Lightbulb list
September 4
Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb

The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of news:rec.humor.d

    For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise.  Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark.  Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

    The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

    First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark.  For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.  The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.

    So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever.  Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck.  This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.

    A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker.  A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it.  If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.  This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

    There are also portable Dark Suckers.  In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit.  When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

    Dark has mass.  When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat.  Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker.  Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass.  This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right?  So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires.

    Also, dark is heavier than light.  If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.  If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker.  When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.  This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top.  That is why it is called light.

    Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.  If you were
to stand  in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.

The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -
Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes?  That's because electrons are blue.

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UTC physics humor. http://www.utc.edu/physics/physicshum0.html
            More on darksuckers: THE DARKSUCKER CONSPIRACY (DC)
Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
September 4
Updated 8/7/88 W0PN

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe
they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for
which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of
secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive
research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the
massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power
companies. The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs
emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which
is then transported back to the power generation stations via wires. A more
descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name is for the
device is DARKSUCKER.  This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the
darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the
fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark is the fastest known
particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert
Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of
HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck
dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are. There is
much less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere, demonstrating
their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much
greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a
celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking
it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun
is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to
it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which
are far distant from the Sun. Occasionally, the Sun actually oversucks;
under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the
Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently
beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure
dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some of
actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark
frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to
collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space via the
black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime. Once they
are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed
by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached
maximum capacity... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds
a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck dark at

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will
notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the
dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick
of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way
of the dark flowing into the candle. Unfortunately, these primitive
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because
of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights.  The bulbs in these
devices cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and must be aided by a
dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before
the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a
battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is
actually a compact dark storage unit.

The darksuckers on your automobile are high capacity units with great
range, thus they require much larger dark storage units mounted under the
hood of the vehicle.  Since there is far more dark available in the winter
season, automobile dark storage units reach capacity more frequently than
they do in the summer, requiring 'recharging', or in severe cases, total
replacement.  Dark has great mass. When dark is drawn into a darksucker,
friction caused by the speed of the dark particles (called anti-photons)
actually generates substantial heat, thus it is unwise to touch an
operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special problem, as the dark
must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This
generates a great amount of heat, making it very dangerous to touch an
operating candle.  Because dark has such great mass, it is very heavy. If
you swim just below the surface of a lake, you see a lot of 'light'
(absence of dark, to be more precise). As you go deeper and deeper beneath
the surface, you notice it gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth
of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake, making it appear 'lighter'
near the surface.  The power companies have learned to use the dark that
has settled to the bottom of lakes by pushing it through turbines, which
generate electricity to help push the dark into the ocean where it may be
safely stored for their devious purposes.

Prior to the development of turbines, it was much more difficult to get the
dark from the rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this
problem, and developed means to assist the flow of dark on it's long
journey to the ocean. When on a river in a canoe travelling in the same
direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to impede the
flow of dark; but when they travelled against the flow of dark, they
paddled vigorously to help propel the dark along its way.

Scientists are working feverishly to develop exotic new instrumentation
with which to measure the actual speed and energy level of dark. While such
instrumentation is beyond the capabilities of the average layman, you can
actually perform a simple test to demonstrate the unbelievable speed of
dark, right in your own home.  All that is required for the simple test is
a closed desk drawer situated in a bright room. You know from past
experience that the tightly shut drawer is FULL of dark.  Now, place your
hand firmly on the drawer's handle.  Quickly yank the drawer open.. the
dark immediately disappears, demonstrating the blinding speed with which
the dark travels to the nearest darksucker!

The secrets of dark are at present known only to the power companies. Dark
must be very valuable, since they go to such lengths to collect it in vast
quantities. By some well hidden method, more modern power 'generation'
facilities have devised methods to hide their collection of dark. The older
facilities, however, usually have gargantuan piles of solidified dark in
huge fenced in areas. Visitors to these facilities are told the huge black
piles of material are supplies of coal, but such is not the case.

The power companies have long used code words to hide their activities;
D.C. is Dark Conspiracy, whole A.C. is Alternate Conspiracy. The intent of
the A.C. is not yet known, but the D.C. is rapidly yielding it's secrets to
the probing eyes and instruments of honest scientists around the world. New
developments are being announced every day and we promise to keep the
public informed of these announcements as they occur via this newsletter.

Les Dark, Editor

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From: "Steven Bergman" <bergmans#NoSpam.us.ibm.com>

Re: Dark Sucker Theory

  It is far more parsimonious to support the theory that dust is actually
dead light (as one can readily observe by the dust that is illuminated in
beams of light and by the dead light found under a bed) which clearly runs
counter to the dark sucker theory.

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From andrewt#NoSpam.cs.wisc.edu Tue Oct 19 04:20:00 1999

This is a mutation of a posting from one the net's most prolific fungi,
the B.S.  in PHYSICS from Eau Claire who posts long weirdness to most
newsgroups (fortunately, news:rec.humor.funny is moderated). It was
originally titled "Larsonian Physics and Astronomy."  Very little has
been changed.


GARY LARSONIAN Physics and Astromomy

Orthodox physicists, astronomers, and muffin manufacturers CLAIM to be
looking for a "Unified Field Theory" in which all of the forces of the
universe can be explained with a single set of laws or equations.  But
they have been systematically IGNORING or SUPPRESSING an excellent one
for 30 years!

The Cartoonist Gary B.  Larson's comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory
of the physical universe, which he calls the "The Far Side", is built
on several fundamental postulates about the physical and mathematical
natures of space, time and oreo cookies:

  1.  The physical universe is composed entirely of ONE element:  humor,
      in THREE EASY PARTS:  space, time, and FUNKY WEIRDNESS.

  2.  The physical universe adapts to the needs of humor in a
      non-predictable relation.

  3.  Pudgy-faced children with glasses are DANGEROUS.  They shrink
      their parents into MASON JARS.  This PROVES the existence of the
      Illumanti conspiracy, using the Masons as a FRONT!

From these postulates, Larson developed a COMPLETE Theoretical
Universe, using various combinations of squid, cows, scientists,
tentacled aliens, dogs, horn-rimmed glasses, and chocolate shakes.
This is clearly illegal.

At each step in the development, Larson was able to MATCH objects in
his Theoretical Universe with objects in the REAL physical universe,
(squid, cows, scientists ...).

All of this is described in good detail, with-OUT fancy complex
mathematics, in his cartoons.

BOOKS of Gary B. Larson

The following is a complete list of the late Cartoonist Gary B.
Larson's books about his comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the
physical universe.  Some of the early books are out of print now, but
still available through inter-library loan.

  1.  "The Far Side" (1981)

  2.  "Revenge of the Far Side" (1984)

  3.  "Beyond the Valley of the Far Side" (1986)

  4.  "Robert McElwaine" (1993)

[The last four chapters EXPLAIN Robert McElwaine.]

Several of them, INCLUDING the last one, are available from:  The
International Society of Larson Worship (ISLW), 1680 E.  Atkin Ave.,
Salt Lake City, Utah 84106.  This is the organization that was started
to promote Larson's Theory.  They have other related publications,
including the quarterly journal "E = mc squid".

Cartoonist Gary B. Larson's Background

Cartoonist Gary B.  Larson was a baby for several years, but then
retired.  He was five years old when he entered primary school, where
he was FORCED TO TAKE NAPS!  Western society is at a low point when the
napping!  He was 22 years old when he graduated with a Bachelor of
Science Degree (which makes him a scientist) in Zoology.  He developed
his comprehensive GENERAL UNIFIED Theory of the physical universe while
trying to develop a way to DRAW SQUID with only a BLUEBERRY MUFFIN!

Larson's lack of a fancy "PH.D."  degree might be one reason that
orthodox physicists are ignoring him, but it is NOT A VALID REASON.
Sometimes it takes a relative outsider to CLEARLY SEE THE MUFFIN
THROUGH THE RASPBERRY JAM.  At the same time, it is clear from his
books that he also knew ORTHODOX physics and astronomy as well as ANY
physicist or astronomer, even Einstein or Hawkings, well enough to

Larson did NOT have the funds, etc.  to experimentally test his Theory.
And it was NOT necessary for him to do so.  He simply drew his theory.

physicists and astronomers have!  They CLAIM to be looking for A
SELF-CONSISTENT CARTOON WORLD that works, but have been IGNORING one
for over 10 years now!

"Modern physics" does NOT explain the physical universe so well.  Some
parts of some of Larson's books are FULL of quotations of leading
orthodox physicists and astronomers who agree -- like Percival
Peewhittle, B.S.  in PLANT TOPOLOGY; and Robert McElwaine, B.S.  in
PHYSICS.  And remember that "BLONDIE", "GARFIELD", "ZIGGY", "ZIPPY",
etc., ALSO once SEEMED to explain it well, but were later proved

Prof.  Jethro Clampett, Professor Emeritus of UW-Superior, was/is a
STRONG PROPONENT of Larson's Theory, and was (or still is) President of
Larson's organization, "THE INTERNATIONAL SOCIETY OF SQUID", and Editor
of their quarterly Journal "Squid have NO FEET".  He moved to Tycho
Brahe after retiring.

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From: John Smith <hahabrotherhood2003#NoSpam.yahoo.com>
                          Discovery of the Farton
Based on intensive scientific investigation, I would like to report that
flatulence is not caused by hydrogen sulfide and other molecular entities
as previously believed.  In the course of my physics research, I have
discovered that it is caused by a previously unknown sub-atomic particle:
the farton.  The farton, produced mainly in men, is composed of two even
smaller particles: the beanon and the rawcabbageon.  I have also discovered
the antifarton, produced mainly in women.  The antifarton is also composed
of two even smaller particles: the yuckon and the notaroundmeyouwonton.
When the farton and the antifarton collide, they do not annihilate each
other like an electron and a positron, but the man does radiate pride.

Also discovered are the existence of the itwasntmyfartonyoujustheardon,
produced mainly in women, and the ohyesitwason, produced mainly in men.

Other newly discovered subatomic p! articles are the:

capon -- a particle that has been surgically altered to reduce its
propensity to interact with other subatomic particles

futon -- a place where subatomic particles can rest

moo-on -- a variant of the muon with bovine properties

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From: Internet Oracle <oracle-vote#NoSpam.cs.indiana.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> I have a passion for theoretical physics.  It is theorized that as
> we continue discovering/man making elements, they will again become
> stable.  The theorized element number when they will become stable
> again is 115.  The only problem, to create element 115, you would
> need to bombard element 114 with an infinite number of protons,
> for an infinite amount of time, with an infinite amount of force.
> The only place that 115 would be able to be produced therefore, would
> be in a white dwarf, or near a black hole.  So theorizing that this
> element could in fact exist, let's analyze the properties.  If such
> a dense metal were to exist, it could have many uses.  First of all,
> if you were to take element 115 and create a reactor that could pelt
> it with protons (much less needed in this process), it would become
> unstable element 116, thus.  It is theorized that this process would
> first create anti matter, and also as a bi-product create gravity
> waves.  The anti-matter created could react with the left-over matter,
> which would create a HUGE electrical reaction, causing mass amounts
> of electricity to be given off, able to be harnessed for the use of
> powering electrical equipment.  After that reaction, the anti-matter
> and matter would essentially cancel each other out (assuming this
> reaction took place in a vaccum), thus leaving only gravity waves.
> This would be a 100% efficient reaction, and source of energy.
> The gravity waves could be tapped off, and amplified, thus creating
> a gravity field around a ship.  This could allow your vehicle to
> literally "fall" any direction you want, harnessing Gravity A waves,
> instead of the much weaker Gravity B waves that the earth utilizes.
> Being able to go against earth's gravity as if it didn't exist would
> open up a whole new world of travel, including inter-stellar space.
> Why do I say that?  Because Gravity can distort time & space.
> So instead of travelling linearly, you completely by-pass Einstein's
> law of velocity (not being able to travel greater than the speed of
> light), because you would be not travelling towards something, yet
> you could have your gravity waves pull something to YOU, and then
> once you bring it to you, you snap back to it's original location.
> A good diagram of this is to put a piece latex on a table, and
> put one button on one end, and another button on the other end.
> Pinch the bottom of the rubber near the first button (which could be a
> planet), and pull it to the 2nd button (which could be your vehicle).
> Finally, release, and the "planet" goes back into place, and brings
> the 'vehicle' with it.  Your speed would be infinite, because you
> wouldn't really have a speed.  This concept is very outrageous, and
> possibly sounds insane.  However, physics says that it IS possible,
> given the right conditions, such as the element 115, and making sure
> it has these properties.  My question to you however, is could you
> please give me blueprints and specific instructions on how to create
> the reactor necessary for the 115 to be converted into element 116,
> causing the release of anti-matter and gravity waves?
> Thank you SO much,
> Supplicant #644a33312lmnop4146

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of the major hazards of space travel is those pesky clouds of
} an infinite number of protons you find near white dwarfs. Finally,
} someone's found a use for them! Good for you.
} <The Oracle picks up a jar labelled "Centoquindecium" and
} absent-mindedly stirs some into his coffee>
} Now, you're looking to leapfrog 100-150 years ahead of current science.
} One of the hazards of this is that you just won't have the support
} infrastructure in place. Sure, I can give you the plans, but where are
} you going to get a gluon compresser? Or a plasma de-linker? And those
} are just the little things. There are two new branches of Structural
} Engineering required to stop your electricity generator shooting
} off at right-angles to the local gravity, and you need a thorough
} grounding in Tachyon Physics to stop it travelling backwards in time.
} Of course, you never get rid of all the centosextadecium (there's no
} such thing as a 100% efficient reaction, a free lunch or an accurate
} economist), so you need a Waste Disposal technology several orders
} of magnitude better than the ones you have now. Unless, of course,
} you want the local wildlife to grow to 100 times normal size and head
} for downtown Tokyo.
} In summary, I think you'd be better off forgetting about building
} this reactor, and try increasing your medication instead.
} You owe the Oracle a non-dairy creamer better than centoquindecium.

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September 4
From: Greysky (greyskynospam#NoSpam.sbcglobal.net)

                  Theory Concerning Light Bulb Operation
OK, it is more a hypothesis at this stage.

There is a little old man living inside the light bulb, sitting cross-legged
in front of a post that has a bell hanging from it. He is holding two sticks
in his little old hands. The bell is attached to a string which runs down
the post and is attached to the house wiring through the socket. When
someone flips the wall switch, a wire which is attached to it and runs
through the wall, hooking up to the base of the light bulb, causes the bell
inside the lightbulb to jingle and this is a cue to the little old man
inside the bulb to begin to furiously rub the two sticks together, which
instantly begins to glow from friction, giving off both light and heat. This
continues until the wall switch is again flipped, which makes the bell ring
again and the little old man can then cease his furious activity and take a
rest until the bell again rings.

My evidence thus far:

1) It is not the position of the wall switch that determines light emission,
but the act of flipping it. The wall switch may easily be reversed (making
"on" actually be "off") and the little old man inside the bulb still gets it

2) There is a wire physically connecting the bulb to the switch. If the wire
is broken, the bell no longer rings and the little old man never rubs his
sticks together.

3) Past a certain age grouping, there is a sudden shortage of little old men
but not little old women. Someone is kidnapping the old men and using them
for this neferious purpose.

4) When the lightbulb is broken, the little old man instantly incenerates in
a puff of smoke and light, leaving only the glass post -and possibly the
rods he rubs together- as evidence.

5) The kind of light that lightbulbs emit depends upon the type of rod the
little old man is rubbing together.

6) in flourescent lights, when they are first turned on on a cold day, they
don't get very bright due to the arthritis and reuhmatism usually suffered
by little old men. You can also sometimes see their shadows running around
inside the long tubes in their vain attempt to keep the entire light bulb
lit up.

I could go on, but as you can see the evidence is irrefutable. I hope I have
not shocked and dismayed you too much by this posting. I just thank god I am
not a little old man. The question is, should we break every lightbulb and
free all those little old men on humanitarian grounds, or is this a
necessary evil we must live with at this stage due to the disruption all
that broken glass will cause to society?

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