Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:2.12 measure the height of a building with help of a barometer
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October 2 jotero#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com (Jose Otero) Astromers's pickupline: your telescope or mine? From: becker#NoSpam.hal4.usm.uni-muenchen.de (Sylvia R. Becker) ...my computer doesn't understand me anymore... might be a possibility, too.
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From: chirag jhala <jhalachirag#NoSpam.yahoo.com> a quantum physicist's pickup line : "your wave function or mine"
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From: chirag jhala <jhalachirag#NoSpam.yahoo.com> a kelvinist's pickup line: "Your thermometer or mine"
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Special Category: Nicolaus Copernicus Februari 19 May 24 From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit <wellsm#NoSpam.hsdemo.merit.edu>
Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!
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Special Category: Albert Einstein
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Special Category: Albert Einstein
From: spunk1111#NoSpam.aol.comQQ (Spunk1111)
I made these to be Einstein...
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-joan
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December 25 March 30 Special Category: Isaac Newton Special Category: Albert Einstein From: Rick <tinkety_tonk#NoSpam.yahoo.com> Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count upto 100 and then start searching. Everyone starts hiding except Newton. Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it, right in front of Einstein. Einsteins counting ....97,98,99,100, opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newtons out, Newton's out." Newton denies and says I am not out. He claims that he is not Newton. All the scientists come out and he proves that he is not Newton. how? scroll down... scroll down... further.... His proof: Newton says: I am standing in a square of area 1m square.. That means I am Newton per meter square.. Hence I am Pascal. Since newton per meter square = Pascal
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June 4 From: Edward Ruden <ruden#NoSpam.plk.af.mil>
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomer replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
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From: ale2#NoSpam.psu.edu (ale2) Special Category: Afterlife October 31 April 25 December 15 Special Category: Wolfgang Pauli
In Dec 1989 Physics Today ,page 9, David Gross wrote "...One of the best of the many Pauli jokes tells of Pauli's arriving in Heaven and being given, as befits a theoretical physicist, an appointment with God. When granted the customary free wish, he requests that God explain to him why the value of the fine-structure constant, alpha = e^2/(hbar*c), which measures the strength of the electric force, is 0.00729735 ....
God goes to the blackboards and starts to write furiously. Pauli watches with pleasure but soon starts shaking his head violently...."
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THE PHYSICISTS' BILL OF RIGHTS
(Author Unknown) We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious,
that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are
endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a
mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are
invariant under all linear transformations:
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From: ostrich_jokes#NoSpam.hotmail.com (KinkyOstrich.com) There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late. His story: "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home." She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"
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From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn)
Lightbulb list
September 4
Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb
Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
From:BRIAN6#NoSpam.VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (cannonical lightbulb collection)
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to
be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
From: Dave Borger <borger#NoSpam.ix.netcom.com>
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, once they have observed it is out it has already changed.
December 5
Februari 1
Special Category: Werner Heisenberg
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
From: Joao Batista <fbatista#NoSpam.cc.fc.ul.pt>
Q: How many particle physicists are necessary to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred: 136 to smash it up + 64 to analyse the tiny pieces.
Q: How many MIT students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: five --one to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing,
one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston using that nuked
lightbulb, two to install it.
From: Eugen Raicu (raicu#NoSpam.netcom.com)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs but they can run expensive computer
simulations which predict the lifetime of the bulb with order of magnitude
accuracy.
Q: How many experimental physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They don't replace the bulbs, they repair them.
From: Dave Nash (dnash#NoSpam.uxa.cso.uiuc.edu)
Q: How many physicists* does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the light bulb is a perfect sphere, one. The solution for a
light bulb of arbitrary shape is left as an exercise to the reader.
* (for 'physicists' read any physical scientists -- I'm doing P-chem for my
graduate studies, so I have no particular axe to grind here ;-)
From: Steven Timm (st0o+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmmm, let's see
Q: That's correct!
From: David Geiser (dag#NoSpam.col.hp.com)
Q: How many theoretical physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A theoretical physicist is one that is postulated to exist, but has
never been actually observed in the laboratory.
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September 4 Special Category: How many scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb From: "David R. Palmer" <mrmacro#NoSpam.starband.net> (original) Q. How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb? A. Depends on whether you look at it....
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From: Ken McLean (mclean#NoSpam.lns598.lns.cornell.edu) Q: How many experimental high energy physics graduate students does it take to change a light bulb. A: One. (but it takes him/her ten years). (Quoted from the introduction to a thesis of an apparently long suffering SLAC Ph.D.)
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June 13 November 5 From: Raymond W Jensen <rwj+#NoSpam.andrew.cmu.edu> Q:What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a nerdy physics major? A:A guy that has Maxwell's Equations tatooed on his chest.
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From: wiestt#NoSpam.rl.af.mil (Todd E. Wiest) Q.) What's the difference between a mathematician and a physicist? A.) A mathematician thinks that two points are enough to define a strait line while a physicist wants more data!!!
mathematics physics
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From: weishaup#NoSpam.carina.unm.edu (Benjamin Jones) After taking a course in mathematical physics, I wanted to know the real difference between Mathematics and Physicists. A professor friend told me "A Physicist is someone who averages the first 3 terms of a divergent series" Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
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From: "G - P" <GP#NoSpam.Girdle.Popper.Com>
Special Category: You might be a scientist if...
YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR...
if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
if you enjoy pain.
if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
if you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
if you always do homework on Friday nights.
if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
if you think in "math."
if you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
if you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down
its wave function.
if you have a pet named after a scientist.
if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the
Schrodinger's cat experiment.
if you can translate English into Binary.
if you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building
which says "Exit."
if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because
there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
if you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the
eventual heat-death of the universe.
if you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have
accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to
Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
if the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
if you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math
easier.
if you understood more than five of these indicators.
if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that
you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any
confusion.
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Special Category: Richard Feynman May 11 Februari 15 From: Keith Michaels <keith.r.michaels#NoSpam.boeing.com>
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From: Joachim Verhagen.
Special Category: Famous last words
Famous last words
Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
Nuclear physisist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
Physisist: And now we reach absolute zero.
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From: Prof. Rudolf von Steiger <vsteiger#NoSpam.issibern.ch> University XY needs to employ a new physics professor. The search committee agrees to select the candidate who gives the best answer to a single question: Which is higher - the speed of light or the speed of sound? Enters the first of three candidates. He replies: Well of course it's the speed of light. When I switch on my radio the power light comes on immediately but it takes a while until I can hear the sound. (This was back in the days of tube amplifiers.) The second candidate replies: Of course it's the speed of sound. When I switch on my TV set I can hear the sound first but it takes a while until I can see the picture. (This was a CRT set, of course.) The third candidate says: Ah -- thats a trick question! Of course I know that everybody claims the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. But in fact both speeds are the same. What makes us think that light is faster is simply the fact that our eyes are in front of our ears.
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