Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:2.9 physical one-liners
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Special Category: Definitions and terms
From: Joe Fineman <jcf#NoSpam.TheWorld.com>
"To understand something means to derive it from quantum mechanics,
which nobody understands."
-- Proverbial among physicists; don't know if the origin is known.
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From: Gary Edstrom <gedstrom#NoSpam.pacbell.net>
Wanted: Good home for abused cat.
The Humane Society has placed up for adoption a lovable cat that was
recently removed from the laboratory of a noted physicist. The animal
was abused repeatedly, having been exposed to poisonous gas and also
being placed in close proximity to radio activity. Cruel experiments
like this can not be tolerated. The owner has been charged with
numerous counts of animal cruelty. Dr. Schrodinger's cat is
recovering nicely, however.
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From: "The Sophontologist" <sophontologist#NoSpam.look.ca> Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Schroedinger: What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!
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From: CroutonGuy <CroutonGuy#NoSpam.centuryinter.net>
If Schroedinger's Cat walks into a forest, and no one is around to observe it, is he really in the forest?
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From: bijl#NoSpam.optica.tn.tudelft.nl (R.J. van der Bijl)
Two electrons are sitting on a bench in the park. Another electron comes walking by and says:"Hi there, can I come sit with you?", to which the electrons reply:"Don't be ridiculous, we aren't Bosons."
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Sign on railroad station: These railroads are subject to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: Position and Velocity of a given train can not be specified at the same time. -- Sydney Harris Cartoon
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg I do not know what is wrong with Heisenberg. He seems so sure of himself lately. -- Sydney Harris Cartoon
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: "Graham Howard" <fidomusic#NoSpam.gmail.com> Graffiti on wall: Heisenberg probably rules ok.<br>
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From: alpham#NoSpam.icanect.net, Marc de Groot <marc#NoSpam.immersive.com>, Keith Bostic <bostic#NoSpam.bsdi.com> SCHRODINGER'S CAT BOX A fun project is the Schrodinger's Cat Box. You need a mild source of radioactivity (I use scrapings from old "luminous" watches I get at flea markets). I make a box out of plywood except that two sides are small celled Nomex honeycomb (<.125") cut to three inch thickness. One honeycomb side is covered with onion skin paper and the other is left open. A strong light is positioned outside the open celled honeycomb wall and is directed into the box. The radioactive scrapings are smeared across the light lens with a bit of glue. Inside the box I put the sensor to a Geiger counter (borrow one from your local high school). The counter is connected to a fast relay which, when closed by an alpha particle from the scrapings, lights the light. Now, a small, live animal (cat) is placed into the box. One stands behind the onion skin paper side of the box and plugs in the Geiger Counter. With no light the alpha particles are few and are not sufficient to turn on the light. The light is switched the first time with a switch which is in parallel with the relay. Instantly you can see the shadow of the animal on the onion skin paper. Then, as the cat moves, the light and rush of alpha particles turn the light on and off, strobe like, and you can see that sometimes the animal is not there, or some part of him is gone! It's quantum uncertainty can be measured. It proves that there are two states for the animal (and everything else) -- existence and non-existence. No harm comes to the animal, by the way.
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From: Johan Blixt <blixt#NoSpam.trantor.math.kth.se> I found this in "The Guardian." (UK) Disregarding the metaphysical aspects of Schrodinger's cats, (Letters, April 28) I must protest at the use of (possibly live) animals for experiments such as these. I urge readers to boycott whatever product this research is leading to. Roger Bisby, Reigate, Surrey. [Note - originally appeared in RHF during second quarter of 1990 - ed]
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From: "Anthony Coulter" <c17gmaster#NoSpam.earthlink.net> There is nothing wrong with the Schroedinger's Cat experiment! You aren't actually killing the cat until you measure it... When the Humane Society comes up and looks into your box, you can rest assured that the cat's death is their fault...
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From: kim#NoSpam.shell.portal.com (Kim DeVaughn) "Quantum mechanics, hmmm. You put a cat in a box, along with a hammer and some poison and a radioactive isotope ... I forget exactly how this goes. Anyway, keep some bandages on hand, because I guarantee the cat won't be happy." -Jack-Jack Snyder
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From: Bert de Bruijn <bob#NoSpam.tristan.arts.kuleuven.ac.be> "Wanted, dead or alive : Schroedinger's cat."
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From: "Katy Moe" <katy#NoSpam.moe.net> Wanted, dead AND alive, Schr५dingers Cat.
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From: "Rinaldo Zucca" <rz#NoSpam.cms.tuwien.ac.at> Wanted, |dead>, |alive> or 1/sqrt(2)(|dead> + |alive>): Schroedinger's cat.
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From: seashore#NoSpam.pirinen.demon.co.uk (Anetta Meriranta Pirinen) Schroedinger's Vet: Specializing in gassed cats and monkeys with Carpal-tunnel syndrome.
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Special Category: Erwin Schr५dinger Januari 4 August 12 From: wombat#NoSpam.tiggs.demon.co.uk (wombat) "Here Kitty,Kitty" - Schrodinger
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From: ogod <ogod#NoSpam.my-dejanews.com> The Schrodingers Cat experiment in Quantum Physics: Take one ordinary cat, one large box, a particle detector, a radiation source, a bottle of cyanide gas. Hook up the detector so that if it detects a particle from the radiation source, it will open the cyanide gas. Set it up inside the box in such a way that there will be a 50% probability of a particle being detected from the radiation source within a five minute period. Add the cat to the box. Theory says that the cat will enter a quantum state where it is 50% alive and 50% dead until the experimenter looks inside the box. However, reality teaches us that the severly pissed off cat cat WILL escape the box well before the 5 minutes are up, attack the experimenter and depart just in time for the severly lacerated experimenter to watch the hammer decend on the cyanide bottle one inch from his nose.
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From: Lemming <l3mst0r#NoSpam.bumblbee.demon.co.uk> Curiosity *may* have killed Schr५dinger's cat.
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From: "Leif Wahlberg" <passerby#NoSpam.swipnet.se> Do you knew what the cat said to Schr५dinger when it jumped out of the box? "Damn you! Now I have only eight left"
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From: "steve" <s.coldwell1#NoSpam.ntlworld.com> schroedingers dog..."thank god im not a cat"
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From: "Chuck Keelan" <CKEELAN#NoSpam.sternstewart.com> The Two Cat Experiment A panel with two slits is set up in front of a measuring device--a cat scanner. When numerous cats are fired at the panel, the scanner measures the expected interference pattern. But, when a single cat is fired through a single slit, the cat doesn't know if it's alive or dead.
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From: al698#NoSpam.torfree.net (Christian Base)
Why did Schrodinger sign his name this way?
..
o
r d
h i
c n
S g
e
r
Because the dots over the "o" are actually a lone pair!
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: emilsson#NoSpam.aries.scs.uiuc.edu (Tryggvi Emilsson) Historians have concluded that W.Heisenberg must have been contemplating his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle: -When he had the time,he didn't have the energy and, -When the moment was right,he couldn't figure out the position...
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: "piet geelhoed" <heelgoed#NoSpam.zeelandnet.nl> Heisenberg is stopped by a traffic cop who asks: "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies: "No, but I know exactly where I am"
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From: Joथःo Matela <boieira#NoSpam.gmail.com> December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg A cop follows Heisenberg at distance and tells his partner: "Damn, 205.2 mph". The partner says: "Let's take him". The first cop replies: "Impossible, I lost him in a cloud of uncertainty"
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From: "Chris Ball" <0cb14#NoSpam.qlink.queensu.ca> If a professor ever asks you where that assignment is that you didn't do, just say that you know its momentum so precisely that it could be almost anywhere in the universe.
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From: Giorgio Torrieri <orie0064#NoSpam.sable.ox.ac.uk> What did heisemberg say about sex? if you've got the position you haven't got the momentum & if you've got the energy you haven't got the time!
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From: shoulson#NoSpam.ctr.columbia.edu (Mark Shoulson) I heard this from a friend, David Kra. He says it's original: Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can get his car into the garage without opening the door.
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The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
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Special Category: Richard Feynman May 11 Februari 15 From: billyfish#NoSpam.aol.com (BillyFish) One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: J. Richard Jacobs (On the Science Jokes mailing list: http://www.egroups.com/group/sciencejokes Earlier today Dr. Heisenberg stated unequivocally that he may or may not have been responsible for the Uncertainty Principle.
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Special Category: Albert Einstein March 14 April 18 December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: "Fred Musante" <fmusante#NoSpam.connix.com> Einstein walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll take a beer, and a beer for my friend, Heisenberg." The bartender looks around and asks, "Is your friend here?" "Well," says Einstein, "he is and he isn't."
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From: Neil Barnes I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost... barnacle.
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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists Special Category: Erwin Schr५dinger Januari 4 August 12 From: Stan Kegel <kegel#NoSpam.fea.net> Why did the chicken cross the road? Erwin Schroedinger: (1) She had to get to the farm, or did she? (2) Since the wording of the question implies the absence of an observer (else the fowl's motivation might easily be deduced), it is evident that the chicken simultaneously did _and_ did not cross the road. In the face of this, any speculation as to the bird's purpose must be viewed as mere sophistry -- and as such is beyond the bounds of this discussion. (3) Chicken? Chicken!? Where's my cat? (4) Until the actual act or non-act of crossing the road was observed, the act remained a cloud of probabilities.
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From: "Raymond Reichelt" <raymondreichelt#NoSpam.mb.sympatico.ca>
Life imitates science
Original source: Jeremy M.Posner jposner#NoSpam.panix.com
You've got this somewhat feared ruler of a nation of several million people, and he's sitting in a bunker somewhere in Iraq. After several direct strikes at bunkers where he was supposedly sitting at the time, he's either dead or alive. At the same time, if you talk to the right people, he's neither dead nor alive and both dead and alive.
At some point, US forces will open the bunker, and as of that moment he will suddenly have been either dead or alive the whole time.
It took billions of dollars, but the US Government has finally created a real life example that can be used to demonstrate the multiple states of Schroedinger's Cat. And the best part is that the experiment can be easily reproduced. With, say, Geraldo
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg Special Category: Albert Einstein March 14 April 18 From: "Paul S. Szymanski" <sampunski#NoSpam.hotmail.com> Here is my attempt at a science joke: Albert Einstein and Werner Heisenberg were out walking in the country conversing at length on the subject of physics. After some time, Einstein said, "Werner, stop a minute." Both men stopped walking and Heisenberg asked, "What is it Albert?" "I have been so immersed in thought that I have not been paying attention, where are we?" Heisenberg replied, "I'm not sure."
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From: David Coble (david.coble#NoSpam.equinox.org)
How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?
A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit into a
generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently, so I decided
to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.
I. It has been proven successfully that chickens have a definite wave-like
nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous double-slit experiment of
1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas showed that chickens not only diffract,
but produce interference patterns as well. (This experiment is fully
documented in Sir Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through
Various Apertures in Modern Architecture", 1897)
II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas if one
chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible to
pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t. This
was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger brother) in
the equation:
d(chicken) * dt >= b
(where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl *
seconds)
III. Whatever our results, they must be consistent with the fundamentals
of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge must all be conserved.
A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was
discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with
chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.
B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the
kinetic energy of the chicken, given by
(.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).
C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know that
the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not enclosed
in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.
IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave equation
for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave equation will
allow us to calculate the probability of finding any number of
chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a non-relativistic,
time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional Pontiac is given by:
[V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P
P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative.
The wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in
fact quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula
we know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same
set of quantum numbers.
V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply the
integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length of the
Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum numbers
(when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac) different
wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum numbers.
It is important to note that we now know that there is no such
thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position and
velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each chicken
must be treated individually.
It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic
angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted to prove
this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying to spin them.
Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a
chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to want the
legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family conflicts
which are best avoided if at all possible.
The Prestidigitator, Drew Physics Major Extraordinary
24 March 1988
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From: scottd#NoSpam.cory.eecs.berkeley.edu (Scott Davies)
News From the Physics Frontier:
Murphy's Law Proven with Quantum Mechanics
--------------------------------------------
In a startling new development in the field of physics, U.C. Berkeley
professor Erwin Brodinger claims to have proven the validity of Murphy's
Law--the "law" which states that anything that can go wrong will do so, and
at the worst possible moment--with quantum mechanics.
"I won't go into the details," said Brodinger, "because it'd take you
50 years to understand them (if you're lucky). Suffice it to say that
computer simulation has shown that, given the universe's most probable
configuration, the quantum mechanical state corresponding to an intelligent
being saying 'Holy shit! I'm FUCKED!' in its native language happens to be
an extremely likely one. This is just one of several theoretical
predictions I've worked out which show the vailidity of Murphy's Law."
Perhaps the most significant of these other predictions is what has
become known the the physics community as the paradox of Brodinger's Dog.
"Basically, the idea behind Brodinger's Dog is that when a poodle takes
a dump, the resulting doodie isn't really here, there, or anywhere in
particular. It's in a quantum-mechanical superposition of locations,
smeared out exponentially over a 10-foot or so radius-- until, that is, an
observer steps into the general vicinity. Then, and only then, does it
decide where it really is. As it turns out, unfortunately, 97.4% of the
time it decides it's right under the observer's foot."
Does this only hold for poodles?
"Well, while doing the calculations, I made a minor simplification: in
the models I used, the dog was assumed to be about half the size of an
atomic nucleus. While I'm positive this assumption wouldn't prevent my
results from applying to small dogs, I'm not sure about really big dogs,
like, say, German Shepherds."
In collaboration with another Berkeley professor, Wiener Heifenburg,
Brodinger also helped to formulate the Heifenberg Certainty Principle,
which is stated as follows: the certainty that you are about to make an
incredibly stupid and embarrassing mistake is directly proportional to the
total importance of the people currently watching you.
Brodinger says his work was inspired by an instance last summer in
which he was maimed by a pack of rabid platypuses marauding the south side
of campus. "Right before a hot date I had that night, too," the professor
sighed.
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From: "G. P." <GP#NoSpam.GP.Com> A joke from Kevin L. Schwartz ( Kvschwartz#NoSpam.aol.com) Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existance and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"
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From: dmura#NoSpam.carlsbadnm.com (D'Mura)
IF A MAN ALONE IN THE WOODS SPEAKS...
The question was raised: "If a man alone in the woods speaks, and his
wife cannot hear him, is he still wrong?"
I have considered this question in light of the principles of Modern
Physics and offer my thesis, dedicated to my wife, who anchors me in
reality.
In the year 1900 Max Planck discovered that the energy of light is
quantified. In 1905 Albert Einstein used Planck's Constant to write the
theory of the Photoelectric Effect, that light behaves as a particle
when it comes to energy transfer. Louis de Broglie proposed that
particles can have a wave nature and this fact was later verified.
These discoveries led Neils Bohr to propose a radical theory of the
atom, which was partially successful in explaining the emission spectra
of the hydrogen atom. Neils Bohr was compelled to introduce the
Principle of "Complementarity," that light is both a particle and a
wave.
The modern theories were extended when Max Born showed that the
distribution of energy was a function of probability. Further, Warner
Heisenberg wrote the Principle of Uncertainty, which says that it is
impossible to determine the exact location of an electron and the vector
direction of its momentum at the same time.
This was followed with the master stroke penned by Erwin Schrodinger.
Using the "Psi function" of Quantum Mechanics, Schrodinger could map the
"wave field" of any particle, thus giving us a theoretical explanation
for the structure of an atom and the entire periodic table of the
elements.
The Quantum mechanics predicts that a wave of a single frequency would
stretch out to infinite proportions, the superposition of a narrow range
of frequencies produces a standing wave function which can be localized
to a much more precise location. Thus the electron and its position
within an atom becomes a cloud of probability.
From this I infer that there are such states as being right and being
wrong, within certain parameters of uncertainty. Applying the Psi
function, the more vague the statement of the man the greater the
probability of him being correct. The narrower and more specific his
utterance the greater the likelihood of his being wrong.
Also, the Principle of Complementarity assures us that if a man alone in
the woods speaks, and his wife can not hear him, he is BOTH right and
wrong until he comes out of the woods.
In the analogy of Schrodinger's Cat, the cat in the box is both dead and
alive until someone opens the lid. The act of observing the phenomenon
determines the outcome.
Thus, the inevitable conclusion is that it doesn't matter what the man
says only his wife can determine whether or not he is correct.
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: Damon C Capehart (dcapehar#NoSpam.utdallas.edu) "Heisenberg was an unfortunate fellow; he knew *exactly* how fast his car keys were going."
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From: "Patrick O'Reilly" <patrick.oreilly#NoSpam.uni.edu> Did you hear about the physics student who forgot his quantum physics homework, and explained to the professor, "Last night, I calculated the momentum of my homework so precisely, that it could be anywhere in the universe."
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From : tomas_thefox2003#NoSpam.yahoo.ie (Tomेs Fuchsbauer) An every-day explanatory version of Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle stumbled upon back in the mid 1990’s. I doubt that it will lead to acquisition of the nobel prize for physics however. Strange how it almost appears that Murphy had a key voice in this... Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle : The location of all bodies in the universe cannot be known simultaneously. Corrollary : If an object is located, something else will disappear. From: "Horst Kiehl" <h.p.kiehl#NoSpam.fz-juelich.de> Apparently, the corollary is under the precondition that the observer has maximized his/her knowledge of the locations of objects. Then, the corollary implies that the disappearance of another object is not due to a specific obliviousness of the observer. However, it does not imply further whether Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle causes the observer's knowledge of another object's location to change significantly - false obliviousness due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle - or another object, whose location was known to the observer, to change its location significantly - spontaneous acceleration due to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Some more thoughts - the discovery of one object might coincide with the creation of a number of locons and dislocons. If they get outside the observer's head then the locons fix the located object in its place (or more exactly shield it from acceleration or deceleration), while the dislocons go elsewhere and cause another object to get lost (accelerate or decelerate it). The observer's brain might act as a natural DASER (Dislocation radiation Amplification by etc.). Of course the reason that not all locon-dislocon pairs cancel out each other immediately would be Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. In summary, if you know "every thing" then you must be careful when you might learn "some thing else", maybe especially if the new thing would remind you of one you already know.
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September 15
From: Daniel F Boyd (boyd#NoSpam.cs.buffalo.edu)
Change notice -- Planck's constant upgraded
[This is the actual format which our Computing Center uses for
change notices.]
Effective: September 15, 1993
Product: Planck's constant 'h'
Version: 1.1 (Replaces 1.0)
Systems: The universe as we know it
Change: Upgrade to '2'.
Image: Every atom and photon in the observable universe
Installer: God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit
Contact: Richard P. Feynman
Notes: The referenced change to this physical constant will
end all life as we know it on this planet and in the
observable universe. From the equation E=hf which
denotes the energy of a photon as the function of its
frequency, we see that photons will suddenly carry
much much more energy. The emissions from your TV
remote will become as dangerous as gamma rays; you
would shoot holes in the wall with it, except that the
Uncertainty Principle says you won't be able to pick
up the remote because you won't be able to determine
its position (nor the position of your hand) to enough
precision to tell you if it's even in the same room
with you.
Users inconvenienced by this change should call the
Help Desk in 216 Computing center(645-3540) or the
Graphics Consultant in 204 Computing Center.
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Special Category: Why the chicken crossed the road according to scientists Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? Ren़ Blondot: My discovery the N-Chicken not only crosses roads, but also railroads, roadblocks, roadrunners...
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From: David Lark I just got off a plane where I sat next to a string theorist. I asked him how he was able to visualize things in ten-dimensional hyperspace. He replied: "That's easy. First I visualize it in n-dimensional hyperspace, and then I just let n equal 10.
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December 5 Februari 1 Special Category: Werner Heisenberg From: Erin Webster <erinkaywebster#NoSpam.gmail.com> Heisenberg was driving on the freeway in Boston, on his way to Harvard University to give a dissertation. Being used to driving on the autobahn, Heisenberg was speeding. He soon noticed flashing lights in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and rolled down the window. "What seems to be the problem officer?" Heisenberg asked. "Do you have any idea how fast you were driving?" questioned the officer, incredulously. "No," replied Heisenberg, "but I know exactly where I am!" The officer exclaimed, "You were going 105 miles per hour!" And then Heisenberg gasps, looks around, and says, "Where am I?!"
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From: Morgan Wade <texasmwade#NoSpam.yahoo.com> How does a Quantum Mechanic fix a car? By eliminating himself from the equation.
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From: <jrauhala#NoSpam.shaw.ca> Consciousness is the Trojan Horse that has entered Quantum Physics. Quantum Physics is the Trojan Horse that has entered consciousness studies.
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