Index | Comments and Contributions | previous:2.3 physics puns

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: ftp.cco.caltech.edu, maintained by Nathan Mates (nathan#NoSpam.cco.caltech.edu)

From: Philip Clarke <clar0318#NoSpam.flinders.edu.au>

                       Cartoon Laws of Physics
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
takes over.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely.  Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole.  The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyses this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole.  The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled.  A `wacky' character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

From: Isoperimetrosity <sjd100#NoSpam.york.ac.uk>
Cartoon Law X
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road
Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.

They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will
begin to fall, causing the neck to strech.  As the head begins to fall,
tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions
until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon
laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause
the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta are quite large
(stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic
forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see
Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use
said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter
and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang

From: Spud39#NoSpam.aol.com
Cartoon Law Amendment F
All objects do not  any mass until a small sheet of paper is added,
then all objects have mass. 

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Heather (z950257#NoSpam.oats.farm.niu.edu)

                              FELINE PHYSICS

Law of Cat Inertia

  A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by
  some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby
  scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

  A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
  reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

  All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
  proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

  Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case
  of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

  A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of
  the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

  All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position
  as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as
  possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

  A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any
  counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

  A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the
  maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

  A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and
  ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

  Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

  No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

  A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for
  her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

  Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and
  will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

  Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

  If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come
  along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

  Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the
  speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

  A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most
  comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

  All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within
  the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

  A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment
  times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

  A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he

Law of Furniture Replacement

  A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to
  the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

  A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the
  mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

  A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the
  amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

  A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the
  amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

  Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape

Law of Cat Composition

  A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Sandra Kallander <Sandra_Kallander#NoSpam.spe.sony.com>
Second Law of Cat Thermodynamics

The underside of a cat expands and contracts due to temperature changes
to a greater degree than its topside, assuring that the tightness of the
cat's curl correlates to the temperature of the room.


[Top of page] [Bottom of page] [Index] [Send comment]

From: Andrew Ray <aray#NoSpam.emory.edu>
                      THE LAWS OF AUTOMOTIVE PHYSICS:

1.  As automotive particles move through space, they travel along various
energy states.  Areas with few particles tend to have only 2 or maybe 3
energy states, while congested areas can have up to 6 or 7 energy states.
Counterparticles move through space in the opposite direction, but always
with the same number of energy states available.  Some areas are composed
of antimatter (see Nippobritish matter below) exclusively.

2.  Each auto is composed of several flavors - most autos are made of 4 or
6 flavors, but a fair number have 8 and a few smaller auto particles have
three.  The number of flavors determines both the size of the particle
(from compact to limo) and the acceleration of the particle through space.
Faster acceleration and subsequent higher velocities allow the particles to
move into higher energy states, arbitrarily called left lanes.

3.  There are three states to automotive particle matter - European,
American, and Mexicaribbean.  European matter is the most ordered, with
particles staying in their lowest energy states except when accelerated to
speeds faster than nearby particles.  American matter is somewhat ordered,
with some particles maintaining their lowest states.  However, some
particles, particularly older ones, tend to randomly drift into higher
energy states without the speed needed to maintain that state.  This
creates bottlenecks and can increase the viscosity of American matter until
it moves at the speed of molasses.  The most chaotic form is Mexicaribbean
matter (MC).  MC matter consists of poorly defined, meandering energy
states.  Particles move at random angles in all directions, arbitrarily
bouncing into various energy states.  Accelerations tend to be rapid and
velocities high, resulting in frequent collisions between particles and
their counterparticles, and rapid changes between highly viscous,
slow-moving matter and high-velocity, fast-flowing matter.

4.  American matter has been successfully reduced in temperature to a state
of near absolute zero - the point where acceleration and velocity are both
near or at zero.  Automotive physicists, being quirky, named this
low-temp. state "Rush Hour".

5.  American matter also behaves in odd, yet predictable ways.  For
instance, it is a well known fact that as the number of available energy
states expands, the number of slow-moving particles expands to match the
number of available energy states.  The result is that some slow-moving
particles will move into all the higher energy states available, creating
the molasses effect whether there are 2 or 6 energy states.  These
particles come in many different varieties, named "idiot", "imbecile",
"moron", etc.  The slowest particles have much more offensive names, and
can occasionally result in other particles firing small, yet powerful
microparticles at the slow particles - ending in the destruction of the
slow particle.

6.  American matter is also unpredictable in some ways, particularly with
regards to its reactivity with other substances.  Ethyl alcohol, for
instance, can cause particles to become frozen and clogged due to
collisions with particles in the same energy state, or can make the
particles reverse spin and jump into an inverse energy state, where they
can be annihilated in collisions with their counterparticles.  However, the
alcohol-treated particle tends to escape destruction more often than the
untreated particle.  Treating American matter with cannabinoids tends to
slow down the particles to a crawl, and impart a glassy look to them.

7.  American matter is increasingly being affected by electromagnetic
radiation in the "cellphone" bandwidth.  It tends to cause the particles
affected by it to move more randomly, especially moving into and out of
different energy states.  It also causes increased numbers of particle
collisions.  However, it can facilitate the decay of particles that
collided, to keep the molasses effect from being too great.

8.  There is a peculiar species of antimatter, called Nippobritish matter.
It moves in energy states completely opposite of European and American
matter, and most Mexicaribbean matter.

Any automotive physicists who are experts on European matter or MC matter
are welcome to share their insights into these forms of matter.

Prof. Andrew Ray
Wishing the slow particles would move out of the way

next:2.5 new physical theories | Index | Comments and Contributions


Member of the Science Humor Net Ring
[ Previous 5 Sites | Previous | Next | Next 5 Sites ]
[ Random Site | List Sites ]

Hit Statistics